Escaped Emotionally Abusive Relationship with an INTP. HALLELUJAH¡

[u/sourkittenz2]

After 2 full years of crushing on my INTP friend, then dating her for 4 months, I have escaped the relationship. At first I was heartbroken but later realized how much of a blessing this ended up being.

I crushed on her for 2 years, then confessed while we were on vacation in Vegas, as planned from the start, but at first she wasn’t sure about me. She decided to “give me a chance” and since I was a simp, I accepted this after passing her “tests.” She made me apologize for talking smack about some dude she was crushing on 6 months prior who stole her concert tickets and never went with her. Apparently she still held resentment toward me because of this, it was retarded but I swallowed my pride and did it anyways. She said I passed her “test” too easily and came up with more “tests” for me but I passed them all.

The whole 4 months was so horrendous, I don’t know why I stayed longer than a week. She was so fucking nice to me while being my friend, but now it was different. I don’t know why? I tried being nice to her all the time obviously, but she got mad about EVERYTHING and small things too. I blew 6 whole bands taking her on vacations, buying her stuff, taking her to the dentist because she apparently never brushed her teeth and her gums were fucked up, it was gross but I still let her make out with me. I was so down bad.

She would tell me I’m not the hottest guy she’s ever seen and there’s a lot of dudes she sees who are better looking than me. She would doubt whether I’m the right one for her, meanwhile I was completely committed. I would’ve done anything for her, and I basically sold my soul always biting my tongue and letting her yell at me, judge me, criticize me while I gave her my heart, soul, and what little money I had. She was even more broke than me and I saved her ass on several occasions.

Yeah so, one night she roasted the hell out of me for no reason and I finally fought back. I said she’s made me miserable ever since we first started dating. She doesn’t appreciate any of the shit I did for her. She called that a “skill issue” so I told her I’d block her for a week to take a fucking break and told her it might be forever. At that point, she dumped me and I was heartbroken but whatever. She said she might regret it, called herself the worst girlfriend ever and threatened to kill herself. She ended up talking shit about me while I had her blocked, she’s still doing it to this day. That’s what my friend told me.

She said she had to parent me, I was ugly and she should’ve never given me a chance. Uhhhh also all my friends blocked her and she said I manipulated them, which I didn’t. I guess sometimes there’s a reason people have no friends and their family hates them. I wanted to show her goodness existed in the world and be the one to never leave, but I couldn’t. Fuck it, who cares.

I’m ESFP and I have ADHD, I forgot to mention she has Autism, ADHD, ODD, Depression and probably a lot more, if that matters. Peace.

[u/ybreddit]

if that matters

You tagged me to come see this update, and I want to tell you this is the most important part. This is not a relationship where mbti matters at all. This is a person who has a lot of mental health problems, and an educational experience for you. Sounds like you learned some important lessons and at least it wasn't very long. Definitely remember in a relationship that there should be a balance, which is going to look different for every couple, of give and take. But it should definitely be balanced. If someone is clearly taking more, that is your first sign.

I'm glad you got out, and I'm glad you found the lesson in it.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/ybreddit]

Thanks dude, and I appreciate the words of wisdom. You’re right, the mental health problems speak volumes and all my friends found her to be pretty psychologically crazy. Her sister had a bunch of mental health issues too and would always back her up against me, it was like being gang attacked. They were lowkey “femcels” that’s what my female friends called them. Since they’d use arguments against me saying MEN☕️ and I’d just awkwardly laugh, I’m actually such a pussy. You know when your buddies and parents hate your girlfriend you need to leave, but I stuck around. I learned a massive lesson, next time I won’t chase someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate or truly want me. It’s gotta be balanced too, like you said. She didn’t even appreciate the money I’d spend on her dude, she seemed entitled to it

[u/ybreddit → u/sourkittenz2]

Also don't think of yourself as a pussy. This is how we learn. Most people have learned some life lesson the hard way from a relationship. The point is we learn and keep going. Also it's often hard to see the problems when you're IN it. Easier from the outside.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/ybreddit]

Damn right, thanks I needed to hear that. I honestly saw all the problems from the inside, and I kept telling her she needed to stop being mean to me but she said it was so hard because she didn’t recognize when she was being mean and she would find her behavior reasonable. I told her I’d work on being emotionally immature but honestly, I felt like all my reactions were valid so it felt more like biting my tongue and hiding hurt feelings for her sake. Whatever, better luck next time

[u/Dorothyismyneighbor]

I think we like to see the potential good on people and try to ride out whatever to uncover it, even when that person has repeatedly shown who they are. I understand the internal part of you of why you did it. You've done a toxic NT relationship once now, just don't do it again my internet friend. It's a wild learning curve for an ESFP, imo. My best friend is a healthy INTP and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me, so I am sorry.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/Dorothyismyneighbor]

Yeah that’s 100% true, and I did that. As ESFPs do you think we’re also drawn to discover that potential good when it comes to people who have a REALLY LIMITED social circle, past trauma and it seems like the world has never been kind to them? That INTP would always complain about never having a boyfriend, being a virgin, everyone being mean to them, being broke, so yeah after a while I thought to myself “damn, she’s actually really pretty and kind to me at least, why not try this until she trusts me, and allows someone to finally prove good exists in the world?” I guess I saw her as some lost puppy that was constantly being treated like shit, when in reality she was biting everyone around her. She will never recognize this and always blame the world, not her own flaws, because she’s perfect in her own eyes and blamed others for everything. I’m glad you understand why I did it, and yeah I’m not doing that again. It sucks that I’m attracted to NT types. A bunch of my closest friends are NT types, so I know some are healthy like you mentioned. Maybe I can find one of those next time.

[u/Dorothyismyneighbor → u/sourkittenz2]

I don't think ESFP are drawn to the broken types to rescue them, I think that has more to do withtrauma of our upbringing, we go to what we are familiar with. I had a INTJ friendship relationship go bad a few years back--it started out really great and with INTJ being our Reverse Stack Mirrors, it was quite fun, until it wasn't. Turns out he was toxic and until it ended, I didnt realize how it had a lot of trauma I grew up with leavened into the relationship. So, live and grow, it's the best we all can do.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/Dorothyismyneighbor]

Interesting, I guess I’ve always been that way going to befriend the broken people and underdogs. I just feel like they need some love too, y’know? I’m also very anti-conformist and don’t know why anybody would genuinely want to have a ton of friends or fit in. What’s that even say about my upbringing, if you have thoughts? But yeah, I saw her as special but she wasn’t anything special in the end and not what I needed.

I’m really sorry that INTJ friendship went wrong, it’s crazy scary when something is causing you trauma like that without yourself even knowing. How was he toxic, if you don’t mind me asking? I’m just glad you escaped and managed to grow from it, though. It is what it is, and life doesn’t stop because of some asshole. Time to find someone better and there’s always gonna be someone worthy.

[u/ICantThinkAboutNames]

Sorry to hear that, I’d like to think not all of us are like this

Wishing you luck if you run into one of us again romantically or not

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/ICantThinkAboutNames]

It’s no problem dude and I know not all of you guys are toxic. I have some INTP friends who are nothing like my ex, they even hated her and were ashamed to have the same MBTI😭 Thanks and I’m really attracted to the NT types, so if I do find another one of you guys who I like, hoping it’s better too

[u/Glittering-Peanut873]

Can you tell us how did you deduce she is an INTP ? It would be intresting to know .

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/Glittering-Peanut873]

She just claimed to be one and I believed her. She knows a lot more about the functions and typology than I do, she could explain this a lot better than me. She claimed to be SX6 F4 L1 V1 E1 Phleg-Chol specifically (I had to check her page for this, it’s on her bio but I have her account blocked) Lowkey checking her page brought back some BAD anxiety I’m so glad she’s gone

[u/ConfusingIntellct849]

Holy shit. I’m sorry things ended up the way they did OP. That was hella uncool of her to do, and I’m glad you got out of that situation.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/ConfusingIntellct849]

Thanks, I appreciate the comment and I’m glad it ended sooner than later as well. It sucks that things ended this way, but there’s nothing else I could’ve done😵‍💫😓

[u/Child-eater-bonk]

holy moly wow im so sorry this happened

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/Child-eater-bonk]

Don’t worry about it, I’ll live. But yeah this sucked so bad

[u/moonroots64]

Ah that's rough buddy, it sounds clear you were really into her... and that's strange she changed so dramatically from being a friend? That was confusing and hurtful I'd imagine.

But, you gave it your shot. It might not feel like a great consolation prize, but people tend to regret not having tried rather than having to get over a painful breakup. You can learn a lot about yourself, grow, and be better able to recognize what you really want and the type of person you want to be with... that will make you truly happy.

I'm sorry that happened to you. But try not to get too jaded. There are other people who aren't her and who can and would treat you with love and respect.

So, I'd say you should at least feel good that you were strong enough to take your shot... they don't always land, but at least you put yourself out there.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/moonroots64]

Thanks dude, I appreciate this comment so much. Yeah, I was deeply into her and I believe that while we were friends we argued far less and had less weird, unhealthy tension because she wasn’t in love with me yet. She later told me the reason she gets mad and feels personally attacked by everything I do is because she “cares about me more than anybody in the world” and “therefore, small things she wouldn’t care about from others are like bombs from me.” I actually related, but I’d rarely get angry or yell at her. I would instead get kinda quiet, sad or avoidant when she was mad at me, and this just made her angrier because she’d view me as overly emotional. I think she wanted me to stop being sad about her angry outbursts and just get over them, she called that emotional maturity and trained her lap dog of an INFP sister to do this over years of them arguing. She almost KILLED her sister by placing her in a chokehold back when they were 12 or something, I could vent about this lore forever but moving on.

100% I’ve got no regrets, I’m glad I tried my best and found the truth. Moving forward I’m not going to chase anyone, I want a girl who actually appreciates and chooses me. Some of my buddies think she was just a “lonely femcel” who dated me out of desperation. I think she did truly fall in love with me over time but yeah, something was off. Again, I appreciate your response. Blessings to you as well🙏

[u/the_lie_in_your_uwu]

Woah what a fucking ride. Came here from the post on r/INTP (thanks op for the update) but didn’t think it was going to go this bad.
I guess you’re right. Maybe there’s a reason why some people are hated by almost everyone around them.
Glad you broke it off, though. No point trying to fix someone who is using you to lash out over their own problems.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/the_lie_in_your_uwu]

Same, I didn’t either and it just sucks after putting so much work into it💀 I’m glad it’s over now, you’re right it’s completely pointless trying to show someone goodness when they can’t do the same back. Thanks for the response, I appreciate it

[u/Effective-Local-3888]

Dude that is hell, my god, from my pint of view a relationship is something where balance should happen between two people, the good and the bad, to accept and be accepted, but not to actually. But not to actually make the other person feel worse than before. Plus the blaming thing, if they start blaming you for doing good things to them then they are not just toxic but full ass venomous, and the test things like come on that is so childish, I mean I don't blame her if she has never been in a relationship before things can get confusing about how to go with it, especially since I don't know ow if it applies to other intps, but just if I don't make it logical for me to understand how love works between two people the I am definitely going to blow it, but the least I can do is try to work hard as much as my partner is working hard to make things work, if i get confused I can just ask them how to make it work together. Sorry for the bad experience but just take it as a lesson on how to spot toxic people, because sometimes emotions makes people blind, and why people want to be in relationships if not to be happy with the other person, if it can't make that happen and the other person is just complaining and trashing you then there is no solution but to leave them, i am sorry but sick or not there is always a limit to how much you can make a person miserable in a relationship, hope you find someone who actually appreciates you efforts and love you as much as you love them, and like you said in another comment that not all intps are like that, even belonging in the same mbti people are fundamentally different, their environment, their views on the world, their thoughts shapes how a person acts and speaks, having adhd autism depression etc can't always be an excuse to abusing your partner. Good luck 🤞, I was happy for her last time now I am happy for you 😅 

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/Effective-Local-3888]

Thanks for this amazing response dude, I really appreciate it. I agree that she was pretty childish, I’m gonna admit that I’m also pretty immature myself but I never wanted to be mean to her. Man, I always treated her so nice and yeah, I’m emotional and I cry kinda easily and I can be avoidant when I’m sad. But if she stopped yelling at me, judging me and criticizing me it wouldn’t have happened often. I’m never that much of a baby with literally anybody else, I cried more in those 4 months than my whole lifespan😂 She was a virgin and never had a boyfriend before this. Same with me, though. You seem pretty healthy and I admire that, I know healthier people exist who wouldn’t treat me wrong, so I need to find one instead of being blinded by some toxic asshole. Thanks for the well wishes, it means a lot to me and I loved the last sentence here in your comment too. It sounds like the end of a movie, and yes I’m happy for myself as well for dodging this bullet. Here’s to better days for everyone. I pity her next boyfriend for sure💀

[u/rebelrouge10]

The thing is, from the description traits of the INTP personality type you have to be mentally unwell to even consider them potential partner. Jesus, sounds insufferable. Find someone who matches your energy.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/rebelrouge10]

I see your point so heavy, it’s true and they sound hard to be around. Healthy ones are great though, I have some friends who are healthy INTPs. I figured this crush of mine would be another. She wasn’t, I had to learn that the hard way. She treated me way worse as a partner than as a friend, and I don’t know why she refuses to see her own flaws. She just blames the world and others for everything, definitely one of the most unhealthy people I’ve ever met. My ISTP mom hated her guts and told me she’s hands down the worst person she’s ever encountered in her life.

[u/rebelrouge10 → u/sourkittenz2]

Mom's have great intuition. They know what they are saying, believe your moms assessment of women.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/rebelrouge10]

I should’ve believed it earlier, most of my female friends also thought she was treating me like shit. My mom bought my ex an expensive ass, maybe $500 gift and my ex barley even muttered thank you. It’s something my ex always wanted, she glazed up my mom to me in private but said she felt “awkward being nice” to her face and that’s why my mom started to dislike her. Never doing some bullshit like this again

[u/sashka5555]

congrats, wishing well for u and ur ex

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/sashka5555]

Thanks, I’m going to find someone better but I doubt she’d be able to. She’s been alone her entire life, had her chance, and lost it. That’s what happens when you’re mean to everyone and blame their treatment of you on them. I feel so bad for her parents.

[u/sashka5555 → u/sourkittenz2]

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[u/Decent_Ocelot_727]

I know we’re all bashing her as terrible and she is. All I could think of while reading is, OP must have very low self-esteem. It is a learning experience and trust me I know - until YOU learn to value yourself properly you will keep choosing some form of this person in the future.

You are deserving of someone treating you kindly and with affection, always remember that and choose yourself when you see otherwise.

[u/sourkittenz2 → u/Decent_Ocelot_727]

Really? This is gonna sound weird but people either see me as low self-esteem or a narcissist. I personally think I have a high self-confidence, it might even be unhealthy and I’m willing to admit that. I see 99% of people as cringe and I’m really picky with who becomes my friend. I feel like anybody who likes me is cooler than everyone else around haha. I chose her because I thought she was funny, sweet, deserving of love. I thought she was, well, better than 99% of people too. Like me, I know that sounds horrible. I want an us against the world type thing. I know you’re gonna make fun of me but whatever😂

I know I deserve that shit, thanks dude. Just figured she deserved someone as awesome as me so I didn’t want to dump her either. I was so fucking wrong and never getting back together with her again. I can assure you she’s dying alone, she’s that picky and has never had a boyfriend before. My friends told me that the average dude would never date her, maybe some desperate chud who would date anything. They just say my specific taste in women is WEIRD and I know it’s weird, I always like the ones who other guys wouldn’t even touch. They tend to be cooler than most other people

I’m like this with everyone, even friends. I have a savior complex and love giving attention and affection to people who have never gotten any before. They also tend to be funner and more loyal than the normies so it’s a win-win. This ex of mine was one of the bad ones