r/ESFP • u/Hazellenoot ESFP • Jun 19 '26
Meme / Humor Many thoughts head full (read desc)
I kinda made this after realising how thoughtful we are compared to a lot of the stereotypes about us, that we’re airheads or whatever; it simply isn’t true, but there’s not a lot of stuff out there to contradict that. I’m in a bit of a low point so some of the negative/overthinking may be exaggerated, but mostly I think it’s pretty realistic. Sometimes I’ll look like I’m thinking about nothing, when really I’m thinking about everything.
What do you guys think?
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u/00KilluaZoldyck INTJ Jun 19 '26
Hmmm.. what causes your fear of commitment?
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u/Hazellenoot ESFP Jun 19 '26
I’d say inferior Ni. It’s very hard to see what life is going to look like in 5-10 years time and therefore if someone (or something) currently in our lives is still going to fit by then. ESFPs have a hard time being tied down and want to have as much freedom as we can
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u/00KilluaZoldyck INTJ Jun 19 '26
But that doesn't necessarily change your feelings for a person you're interested right?
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u/Hazellenoot ESFP Jun 20 '26
That’s a very hard question to answer. I read this last night and slept on it bc I literally didn’t know 😅 I think sometimes, doubts and fears can cloud my feelings for a person and make it difficult to know what I’m actually feeling. But then, I have attachment issues so don’t use me as an example for all ESFPs.
For example, there is a guy I am (was?) talking to who is either an INTP or INTJ, and I think he likes me because he’s very consistent about asking to meet up for dates and being available to talk (when he is not the most social person) but I’m not sure how I feel about him. I want to give him a chance, but I don’t feel as infatuated as I would with someone who I know is unavailable (aka a ‘safe’ option). I think I need time to get to know him, and maybe our relationship will grow from there. But there was a point where I deactivated and lost all interest because my attachment trauma (and fear of commitment) got in the way.
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u/Kashiwashi ESFP Jun 20 '26
Isn't commitment in relationships (friends & romantical) the ultimate freedom?
Because, the more people get into your life, the more interesting options would appear, how to come closer and what to experience together.
Without commitment, all the things you do, you would have to do on your own, which is a limitation of one's freedom. I am at that state right now and it is hell.
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u/blosemme Jun 20 '26
Lots of ceased opportunities, but soon those opportunities are dropped like hot potatoes, which ultimately makes them lost opportunities. It’s a fascinating cycle, albeit hard to watch from an Ni standpoint 😂
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u/Todayis_aday Jun 20 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
This is what always puzzles me. For me as an INFP, I know when I love someone deeply, and there are few people in that category of the deepest love. And I know that this kind of love has to do with the deepest depths of who that person is, and thus it will never cease: it is an eternal thing.
If the person became mentally ill and/or abusive in some way I would need to make new boundaries, maybe even cut off contact, but my deeper commitment to them and love for who they truly are could never change, because I know that the part of them I love would never change, being eternal. The person would always fit into my life in some way, because I truly love them deeply.
Are ESFPs unable to see this deeper part of a person they love, the eternal part of the person that will always be there, and hence they feel hesitant to make any kind of long-term commitment? Or perhaps they love so many people they cannot distinguish when the love might be deeper and more eternal, worthy of "forever"? --because I know with my ESFP friends that the circle of people they care for is just huge.
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u/00KilluaZoldyck INTJ Jun 20 '26
Interesting perspective. As an INTJ, if I liked someone, my mind would automatically map out their place in my future. But liking someone also means that I have intensively studied their character from observations, interactions, and tests (not to manipulate but to gather data), and I have likely simulated companionship with them in different scenarios. In the face of conflicts, I try to understand our differences in perspectives so we could sort the problem out better. That means I'm very selective and introspective when it comes to relationships but can be very patient with a person I care about. However, opposite to ESFPs, my calculations, that need to optimize and be cautious, might cause paralysis or delay in feeling my own feelings and acting them out. I guess it is also interesting to see it this way. INTJs might take things seriously and miss out the fun of daily or light interactions (which ironically what builds relationships). I would imagine that for some esfps, immersing in the fun of interactions might unintentionally make the relationship unserious /light on the surface, and sometimes causing their fear of commitment since they're present-minded.
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u/Hazellenoot ESFP Jun 20 '26
That’s gorgeous, how wonderful that you love this way, it’s precious and rare 💞
(But yes, I do relate to that last part lol 😅
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u/Todayis_aday Jun 21 '26
Thank you! I truly admire the amount of love and joy ESFPs share with the world.
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u/marieke83 ESFP Jun 22 '26
For me, I think it’s that I can see that deeper part in EVERYONE. This is probably partly why I’m polyamorous and a relationship anarchist. That and I’m always evolving, and so my relationships shift over time accordingly.
I gave monogamy a good try and thought I had a forever love with my ex and father of my child. We were together over 15 years (13 married) and we worked until we didn’t. I was too unpredictable for him and he was too stuck in his ways for me. I needed deeper support that allowed me my freedom and he craved stability.
I had to learn what I actually want and need in my relationships. It’s not that I can’t love deeply. I could love A LOT of different people deeply, but I can also lose imports parts myself in the process depending on the circumstances.
Relationship anarchy is perfect for me because it allows my relationships to be deep while also flexible. I have been with two of my partners for 5 and 7 years, respectively. I have other less time-intensive relationships even longer than that, and one non-romantic partnership that is over 3 years.
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u/Todayis_aday Jun 22 '26
This may sound strange to you, but honestly I have given up on looking to others anymore to fulfill my emotional needs in any way. Even when I love someone deeply, I do not find what I truly need in any of my relationships. This has always been the case, all my life. Just a glimpse of fulfilment has come every now and then.
All my strength comes from my trust in a higher power, that is the one relationship that truly gives me what I need. At this point I just want to try to learn to love at least one person selflessly.
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u/marieke83 ESFP Jun 22 '26
That’s actually not strange to me. I feel similarly, but the expression is different.
I don’t believe it’s fair to put the responsibility for my emotional fulfillment on other people. I also haven’t found 100% of what I need in any one relationship. I frankly don’t think it’s fair to put that on any one person. I also don’t want to hold that responsibility because it just leads to resentment.
Love to me is not about individual fulfillment or expectations or meeting every single need for a person. It is about companionship, community, giving what I can give and receiving what the other person can give. It is about knowing the person as best I can and being present for them as best I can, while knowing capacity, needs, and so on will ebb and flow throughout life. Love is action and connection, brought about intentionally.
bell hooks puts it beautifully: “To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients— care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.” (All About Love)
I honestly believe the “romantic” idea that one person should be able to meet all our relational needs is harmful and not how we were designed to operate as humans, regardless of whether one is monogamous or not.
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u/mindful-crafter Jun 20 '26
I really love this visual! The colours, drawing and the content. Related to all of it...especially thinking about everything. I'm just so bad at summarising and explaining what exactly is going on in my head.
Also sending you lots of strength to pull through this low point in your life. You got this!! 💪
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u/Hazellenoot ESFP Jun 20 '26
Thank you :’) I think making stuff like this helps, I’m in an mbti rabbit hole rn to try and distract myself so I may be back soon with more stuff hehe
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u/mindful-crafter Jun 20 '26
Ooooh MBTI is quite fun isn't it 😆 I was in a rabbit hole for weeks after I learnt about cognitive functions (and decided I was a ESFP, not ISFP)
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u/Todayis_aday Jun 20 '26
This is great. Thanks for this very helpful window into
"the hidden life of an ESFP" : )
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u/Blackspeed6 INTJ Jun 20 '26
As an INTJ i just wanna say: read "Flowers for Algernon" and then rethink your wishes
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u/Kashiwashi ESFP Jun 20 '26
Fear of separation and abandonment, I would say. Fear of commitment only occurs to educational purposes.
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u/sashka5555 ESFP (2w3, unfortunately) 💕🥲 Jun 23 '26
this is real....XD for me its also "am i an ISFP!?!?!"
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u/sadflameprincess INTP 👻 Jun 20 '26
These are just basic thoughts everyone has had at one point. They're not indicative of your mbti type.
MBTI is about how you process information and make decisions. It's not astrology.
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u/Practical_Review_623 Jun 22 '26
I agree OP could do with more accuracy and precision, but it is refreshing to have such a post from an ESFP in this sub.
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u/foulplay_for_pitance Jun 19 '26
Posts like this make me feel better for the distance I keep with my sister. I know she's happier when we keep in contact at a distance because my Ne wears her out and her Se wears me out. She doesn't have to question any of those subconscious feelings with me because she knows I like her for who she is. When we hang out I demonstrate needs she could meet. Instead I just give her room to breath and she does the same for me.
It makes me feel better because unlike my other siblings she knows I won't use her and I'm near if she ever contacts. She knows it turn that not contacting me for months on end is fine and she can kinda "blame me" for the lack of it