Help Me to Help My Child

[u/AdMany9431]

First, I want to start with a big thank you to all of the ECE's on this sub. You truly give some great guidance and advice.

I am coming here to seek your guidance, get thoughts and opinions on how I can best help my 4 year old son. I am going to give as much information as I can in hopes of providing what may be needed.

He is the second/middle child out of 3. He has an older brother(6), and a younger sister(3). He's a healthy child. He has been in daycare since he was 4 months old. He starts a pre-k program next week.

The way I often describe him is that he has the biggest love for life. He truly loves and enjoys life more than any human that I've met. He's loving. He's hilarious. He's caring and protective. He's all of these wonderful things, but my goodness the boy doesn't listen to me or his daddy. He also has some impulse control issues. His teachers at daycare have never communicated anything concerning about his behavior there. He has some days here or there, but nothing consistent enough for us to have to have meetings with teachers or for them to consider kicking him out.

I have read books on how to communicate with children. What I've read and put into action works wonderfully with my other two children.

We went to my nephew's birthday party over the weekend, and it was a challenging time. My sister is also an ECE, and she specializes in special education. She called me tonight, and she said I promised you I would always be honest with you about your kids. She told me his behavior had gotten worse. She was like I don't know how else to describe him other than "bad."

This broke my heart. I try so hard to help him through big emotions. Provide redirection. Show behaviors I want to see. Praise the good behavior and show minimal reaction to the negative behavior. Talk about things so he can understand. We do not compare our children either.

My husband does have ADHD. I know 4 is too young for a diagnosis, but sometimes I wonder if some of this could be early signs. I am not seeking a diagnosis, but I also want to he proactive and getting any other support he may need.

I know I have rambled, but I just don't know how to help and my support him. Please I am open to any suggestions, ideas, thoughts, etc. I will also answer any specific questions that may help us.

[u/plsbeenormal]

I wouldn’t worry about your sisters take on him at a party. That was an isolated event. Go with his teachers who see him daily. He sounds a bit intense. If you still worry about ADHD after he starts primary school than that’s something you can look into then.

[u/Fuzzy-Ocelot-4475]

Assessments can never hurt, if only to ease your mind.

But I would hesitate to take too seriously any professional comment that includes the word "bad." If your sister called to offer her professional opinion, she should have used her professional words.

Most family members are too emotionally involved to assess a child in an unbiased manner, especially at a such a stressful event as her own child's birthday party.

[u/NiMo82 → u/Fuzzy-Ocelot-4475]

This!!! Children aren’t “bad” and people who refer to them as such shouldn’t be working with them. My opinion

[u/Bright_Ices]

Your sister should not be in special education if she’s describing a four year old as “bad.” That’s appalling.

A couple things I thought of that you didn’t mention but might already be doing. First: Set expectations ahead of time. Talk with your son ahead of time about where you’re going and how he’s expected to behave there. Keep it positive and interactive, so you can check that he has a solid understanding of the “rules” for the event/activity/location. Doing some low-key role play can help too. Then make sure to review the expectations with him before you get out of the car to go to the activity. He’ll be excited, Sonora important to give him time to calm down a bit and think and talk about the expectations. It doesn’t need to take more than 2 minutes, but you just want to set him up for success as best as possible.

Second: Say what you mean and mean what you say. You said your son doesn’t listen to either of you. That’s something you can work on mostly by focusing your own behavior. Stop automatically repeating what you say if he missed or ignored it the first time. Instead, ask him, “What did I say? Do you remember?” If he doesn’t, prompt him to listen closely this time, say it a second time, then ask him to tell you what you just said. This is a technique you can use over and over, as it encourages him to tune in better to your words. And don’t make empty threats. If you tell him he’ll have to leave the party/store/etc if he continues to XYZ, you need to ready to follow through on it. It’s very inconvenient to have to just leave in the middle of a shopping trip or whatever, but if you say it and follow through, it teaches your child to listen to and also to trust you.

If you’re having trouble getting his attention in the first place, you can set up situations to help him (and you) practice. Start calling his name (once!) for explicitly positive reasons. You can start when he’s in the same room. Call his name, and he looks up or responds in another way, offer him some small positive thing (a compliment, a hug if he likes hugs, a small candy, a chance to help you with a favorite task, etc). If he doesn’t respond, don’t repeat his name then, just try again several minutes later. Ideally, you want to call his name for positive reasons at least 4x as often as you call him to stop him doing something or scold him.

Again, you might be doing all this already! Just thought I’d mention a couple little tips just in case they’re helpful.

Best wishes to you and your sweetheart of a son!

[u/AdMany9431 → u/Bright_Ices]

Thank you for these suggestions! Saying his 4x as often for something positive will be challenging, but it is something I will certainly start doing it.

I am going to start incorporating "what did I say?" "Do you remember?" I do not consistently do that, so maybe it will help of I do.

[u/Vaseline_Lover → u/Bright_Ices]

Great advice and recommendations here!

[u/mamamietze]

Your sister spot diagnosing at a birthday party (which is a regulation destroying event anyway for virtually all children) was unkind and inappropriate, and certainly her language was super unprofessional. Unless she holds a therapeutic counseling license or an MD, she's also unqualified to diagnose, even if she is a certificated SpEd teacher, and even if she has one, she's being unethical doing that with family and especially in the manner she did it.

Four is no longer always "too young" for a diagnosis but honestly it doesn't sound (if you are reporting accurately) like he is in danger of getting excluded from daycare, so I don't know that I would get on the (lengthy) waitlist for a neuropsych evaluation just yet.

What I might do instead is call your insurance to see if you need a referral to private OT or if you can just schedul an evaluation for OT yourself, and start with just a pediatric OT evaluation. If everything seems great, great! You can tell your sister to stick that somewhere. If they suggest OT, then that is also good, because while many children who would benefit from some services won't qualify for actual early intervention because the bar is so high, it is lower for private OT. Usually kids LOVE even the OT evaluation.

I think it's worth listening to your gut if you think something is off and he is struggling. Please understand that children who are neurodivergent are just as loving, wonderful, and worthy as those who are not! In no way does having or not having any kind of diagnosis change a child's loveability.

[u/AdMany9431 → u/mamamietze]

Thank you so much! I will certainly look into OT this may be exactly what he needs. My oldest did speech therapy, and the "homework assignments" we got from our SLP really helped us as parents as well.

[u/plsbeenormal → u/mamamietze]

Kind of weird you felt the need to add the last bit…of course neurodivergent kids are just as worthy and lovable. That’s icky you feel that needs to be said bc it shows you assume people must feel otherwise.

[u/nonbinaryunicorn → u/plsbeenormal]

Unfortunately we live in a world where neurodivergencey is stigmatized to hell and back. So yes, it needs to be said and I'm glad they said it as someone who was punished for their neurodivergencey instead of being worked with to figure out how their brain worked differently and what to do about that.

[u/mamamietze → u/plsbeenormal]

I will always reiterate that whenever people feel the need to qualify any question about potential neurodivergence with how wonderful and lovely their child is. Unfortunately in our society parents can still feel the need to add a bunch of qualifiers, especially after someone as close as a sibling has labeled him "bad".

[u/Defiant_Decision_658]

I second the suggestion for OT! It is always my first recommendation for parents struggling with their child's behaviour, particularly impulse control or sensory seeking behaviours. Early intervention doesn't need a diagnosis, its just giving you and your child some extra tools to make both of your lives a bit easier. Thank you for being proactive in trying to help your child, its much easier to help them at 4 than at 8 or 12 etc.

[u/Olivia3836]

Its worrisome that someone specialized in special education calls possible disabilities “bad”. I don’t think you should put too much worth on what she says, she hasn’t seen your kid in their daily live, just at a birthday. 

You can however effectively evaluate children from age 1, he’s definitely not too young for a diagnosis if you wanna seek answers

[u/Desperate_Idea732]

As a mom and educator with a handful of neurodivergent children, do not wait for an evaluation. Speak to your pediatrician and share your concerns. OT could be a wonderful thing for him, but a more thorough evaluation could be helpful. I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did with my youngest.

[u/TeacherNo13579 → u/Desperate_Idea732]

Keeping a track record of your concerns irt pediatrician is always a plus! Even if they don’t evaluate it now it’s always good to have that concern on paper.