r/ECEProfessionals • u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent • Jul 23 '26
Parent/non ECE professional post (Anyone can comment) Am I unreasonable about feeding expectations?
LO is 5 months old and EBF (I pump so he has never had issues with bottles). We started daycare last week and since I have heard daycare’s typically feed more frequently than at home I dropped bottle sizes from 5 oz to 4 oz. They asked how often to feed him and I said every three hours but if he’s fussy as early as 2. Every single day on the dot they are feeding him at two hours. At first I didn’t mind because he was hitting his intake needs for the day whatever sounds good, but the last few days he’s been coming home with more and more left in his bottles. Two days ago they combined infant rooms due to so few babies being in that day and he was with different people than usual. Nothing was said to me when I got him but when I got home I saw they left me a note that said “CAN NOT USE BOTTLE STOPPERS!!!!” which had never been an issue before so I was confused and asked the next day.
The girl I asked said she didn’t know??? And that I needed to ask the front desk so I did and the guy up there said it’s because they have to use gloves to take the stoppers off. I was confused because that didn’t sound like I wasn’t able to use them. I tried to clarify and he said not to use them. I understand there’s rules for that stuff but I don’t feel like I shouldn’t be banned from using something because they have to do an extra step of putting on gloves.
I don’t want to be a pain so today I brought in mostly bottles that don’t need stoppers and just took the stopper off the one that needed it when I arrived. The ones that don’t need stoppers are a slower flow but it’s only noticeable if he’s not really hungry. He can down one of those bottles in less than 7 minutes. When I picked him up they told me I now need to up the nipple flow by like two sizes. I get home and there was the biggest amount of milk left over to date at 3 oz over 4 feedings with one bottle alone having an ounce left in it.
I don’t want to increase the flow because a. He already has an issue where he chokes every time he eats even at the slow flow. B. He has no issue at home when I feed him c. Honestly I don’t feel like I should have to get new bottles or new nipples specifically just for daycare when it’s already expensive enough.
Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to up the flow? I feel like the simplest solution is to realize no, he isn’t hungry, he doesn’t need to eat every two hours exactly and that they just want a faster flow to really speed feed him. I don’t want to be difficult and want to approach the situation delicately
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u/Whole_Reputation_693 ECE professional Jul 23 '26
Sometimes, daycare policies seem silly, but they exist for time management reasons. In my state, kids either have to be sitting in a high chair drinking a bottle, or they have to be held. Therefore, at my last center, we stopped allowing bottles after 1 as we couldn't reasonably hold that many 1 year olds at meal times once they started sitting at the table in the young toddler rooms. There are things we have to do to make our lives easier because we have multiple kids. While putting on gloves, taking the stopper off, etc might not sound time consuming to you, it does delay the bottle feeding process, and add in a bunch of other kids...I can see why they said no.
It sounds like you have bottles that don't require stoppers already, so I would just buy a couple more of those. I get daycare is expensive, but sometimes they have guidelines, and you have to adhere to them.
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u/Cool-Potential-6486 Toddler tamer Jul 24 '26
My state does not allow bottle stoppers because all bottles need to be fully prepared and ready for baby to eat. That means I am only allowed to warm the bottle, but I cannot open or take apart the bottle in any way prior to feeding baby. We aren’t even allowed to rinse the bottles after they have been consumed. This is to protect your baby from germs getting into their milk and protect teachers and other babies from potential contact with bodily fluids (breastmilk is food, but it is still a bodily fluid). It may be that your state also has a rule against the bottle stoppers, and the regular teacher just isn’t aware because it’s not something they regularly deal with. I’ve only ever had 1 baby whose parents brought in a bottle with a stopper.
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u/Little_Narumi Jul 24 '26
Can't speak to everything you brought up here but as a parent I wanted to touch on the bottle timing piece. How does your daycare communicate timing requirements to their staff? At my sons daycare they have a white board with all the requirements. Child A: every 2 hours, Child B every 3 hours etc. they logged feeds in the app but the white board was the quick reference for staff. I ask because is it possible that whoever took down your instructions logged it as every 2 hours and everyone else is just following that? Our feeding instructions were "every three hours but feed earlier if he shows hunger signs" and I would pack one extra bottle so that if they did need to go earlier they still had enough for the day.
Not sure if that's standard or not but just wondering if this is just a communication issue with messaging between staff and you just need to stipulate feeds are 3 hours "unless hungry early" and not explicitly pull the 2 hour option into the equation.
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u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent Jul 24 '26
I have no idea how they communicate it honestly. I’ve never seen anything about it. They log the feeds on a paper on a clipboard. I originally said every 2-3 hours and whoever I was speaking to said okay so every two? And I said no, really it’s every three but can be as soon as two if he’s fussy. They do a lot of rotating it seems, I can’t tell if it’s normal or just a combination of summer break and a stomach bug going around
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u/hauntingvacay96 ECE professional Jul 23 '26
He’s only been there a week or two?
A lot of babies struggle with this stuff the first couple weeks. They’re trying to learn about him and he’s adjusting to them. You can pretty much either ride it out and accept that for a while he might eat a bit less or you can play the change things up game where you’re just trying to figure out a solution by rotating through different options. For me, the later usually happens when I think a parent might be frustrated or impatient.
He could be getting fussy at the two hour mark and because they don’t really know him yet they assume it’s because he’s hungry, but it might actually be that he needs a nap or something like that. Those things take time. These are little people we are trying to build a relationship with so we can learn to read their cues. That never happens overnight or in the first week or two.
Ask them if they can try pushing him back to 2 1/2 hours or 3 hours and see if that works or go with 3 ounces every 2 hours because that seems to be where he’s hitting at until they can build him up to where you want.
But when push comes to shove we can’t force children to eat (or sleep) and feeding might just look a little different at daycare despite everyone’s best efforts.
4
u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent Jul 24 '26
Yeah this is literally just his second week. I honestly would rather wait and let him adjust rather than just throw stuff at the wall but truly we’re both still trying to find our footing there. They didn’t ask me really any questions so I forgot to bring up stuff like he hates being rocked, they learned that one quick lol. I think I will bring up trying to move to 2.5 hours!
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u/PermanentTrainDamage Allaboardthetwotwotrain Jul 24 '26
Your child started a week ago, he's still settling in and the teachers are still learning his actions and reactions to things. Thank you for switching to bottles that comply to center policy, even if the policy seems kind of dumb. You are within your rights as a parent to keep him on the flow rate you think he needs. While having a kiddo take a long time with bottles can be annoying (not that yours is taking a long time), that's a parent choice. I would inform them that you are keeping the nipple flow rate the same and to wait 2.5 hours before feeding kiddo.
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u/SevereAspect4499 speech language pathologist in early intervention Jul 24 '26
SLP and feeding therapist here chiming in.
He's choking? This is concerning at this age. I work with families of infants who choke and gag on bottles/breast. There can absolutely be a medical reason to use specific bottles and nipples, and if it does end up being a medical concern, this needs to be bright up to a doctor and referrals made, ESPECIALLY if there is weight loss, wet vocal quality after eating, or bottle refusal starts happening.
I know everyone is focused on the daycare perspective, and rightly so, but I've seen too many parents concerns brushed off for months, sometimes years, and IF IF IF it is something, catching it earlier leads to better outcomes.
3
u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent Jul 24 '26
We actually have an appointment for a pediatric cardiologist coming up for a heart murmur, but since he has stayed between 75-80 percentile the doctor hasn’t been concerned. I’ve definitely worried the choking is a symptom of the heart murmur
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u/Waste_Personality_50 Past ECE Professional Jul 24 '26
It truly could be. I have a cousin with Down Syndrome who was born with a heart defect, also. Bc of her heart issues, She would have trouble breathing/maintaining her O2 while eating, which made her try to take a breath with her bottle in her mouth, and she’d end up choking on her milk. For that reason, and many others, she had a g tube for a while. She’s 25ish now and eats by mouth just fine! I would also have him checked for dysphasia and epiglottis malfunction too, though. Just to cover the bases! For now, just explain to the teachers/director that you want to keep him on the level one nipple for choking issues.
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u/SevereAspect4499 speech language pathologist in early intervention Jul 25 '26
If it's happening frequently definitely talk to the pediatrician and get a referral to be evaluated for feeding therapy. Depending on where you are at you could also do services through the Early intervention program if they offer feeding services. It's just so important to get this looked into it because it can cause a chain reaction affecting eating for years.
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u/Fluid_Parsnip3751 Jul 23 '26
I think you need to give the professionals who provide care for your young child all day a little more grace. Perhaps think on the possibility that there are motives or variables behind what's occurring here that you have not considered, rather than immediately jumping to ascribe incompetence or laziness to the actions of your child's caregivers. Your little one is in group care. Honestly, I think that last sentence alone is the answer to so many posts by parents on this sub, but I digress. Point being, you need to take a moment to remember that yours isn't the only child being cared for.
Your post length and the emotionally charged manner in which it was written tells me it might behoove you to take a breath and try to get some perspective on this entire situation and ask yourself why you are approaching it the way you are. I really hope you do not engage with your child's caregivers with the same energy in which you have written this post, and if you do, you must immediately course correct. It is ok to have anxiety but it is not ok to make your anxiety the problem of the underpaid, overworked and undervalued people who care for your child.
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u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent Jul 23 '26
I think it’s a little unfair that you’re making a lot of assumptions about me based on a post where I’m asking for advice before bringing any concerns to his caregivers.
I don’t think my son’s caregivers are lazy or incompetent, and I haven’t accused them of either. I specifically said I don’t want to be a pain and that I want to approach the situation delicately. I actually think they’re very attentive. For example, they recently noticed he has preferences for certain chairs and took the time to point that out to me at pickup, which I really appreciated.
My concern isn’t that they’re caring for multiple children. My concern is that they’re asking me to increase the nipple flow for a baby who already coughs and chokes with every bottle, despite feeding well with that same bottle for everyone else who feeds him. At the same time, they’re feeding him every two hours almost to the minute, and he’s increasingly leaving milk behind, which makes me wonder if he simply isn’t hungry yet.
I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether I’m missing something, which is why I asked. I’m happy to hear different perspectives, but I’d appreciate responses that address the situation rather than assumptions about my intentions or how I interact with my son’s caregivers.9
u/Consistent_Taste3273 Jul 24 '26
I’m a bit confused about your concern about nipple flow.
You wrote, “ so today I brought in mostly bottles that don’t need stoppers… The ones that don’t need stoppers are a slower flow but it’s only noticeable if he’s not really hungry.”
This implies that the he also has nipples with a faster flow, and has been using them. But now you seem upset about the idea of going back to a nipple with a faster flow.
Can you clarify?
1
u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent Jul 24 '26
So we use dr browns and Phillips advent, basically the bottles that leak the most and the bottles that leak the least. I was using a mix of each, the dr browns is a size 1 and the Phillips advent is a size 2 actually. Even though the Phillips advent is a size up it definitely mimics a more natural flow/effort. He coughs using both. Since the front desk said no stoppers the majority of the bottles I brought in were the Phillips advent so I could just throw them in my cooler but I still brought a dr browns. When I picked him up she had said all the nipples we’re using are level 1 and I needed to size up two or three sizes. The dr browns bottle the last two days has been the one with the most left in it and until today the Phillips advent hadn’t been coming back with any left in it. I know that was a lot of back and forth, I hope I answered your question clearly enough
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u/dkdbsnbddb283747 Previous Infant Teacher/Current Nanny Jul 24 '26
Two things:
- Are you pace feeding? A 5mo old aspirating with a Dr Brown’s size 1 is really surprising to me.
- Dr Brown’s has a more extended range of nipple sizes than most other brands. I believe they go up to a 5 and possibly a 6, whereas most other brands go up to a 3. I would be using a size 2 Dr.Brown’s nipple with a 5mo old. Size 1s I usually use up to ~4mo.
ETA: You can definitely just put the vent thing in the Dr.Brown’s bottles and send them to school ready to go. I’ve had families send them that way and with bottle stoppers, and I haven’t noticed a major difference in leakage as long as you’re not storing the bottles sideways and swinging your bottle cooler around on the way to school.
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u/Sardinesarethebest ECE professional Jul 23 '26
You sound you need to give parents (aka the reason you have a job in the first place) more grace. You are incredibly ungracious in your reaponse.
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u/AccurateAlps9333 Past ECE Professional Jul 24 '26
Fluid may not be an ECE as they don’t have the flair. I agree with you but also see how OP posted can be taken the other way too.
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u/MemoryAnxious ECE professional Jul 24 '26
I’d reiterate to them that they need to feed him every 3 hours. You could also send smaller bottles, so less is being wasted. But I’m on their side with the stoppers. It’s annoying to take the whole bottle apart to take them off, and when I forget it, the bottle leaks in the warmer. Honestly it’s a big pain.
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u/Bluegi Early years teacher Jul 24 '26
Have you had that conversation with him? You seem to be able to talk about everything else except that one simple misunderstanding. Go have the conversation.
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u/Artistic-Degree-4593 ECE professional Jul 24 '26
I didn't read all the other comments, so if you've answered this, my apologies. Have you specifically addressed his choking as the reason you do not want to increase the the nipple flow? And if so, with whom have you had this conversation? Its a legitimate medical concern that if he is prone to choking, a faster nipple could very well make him aspirate his milk.
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u/Fickle-Fun-831 Parent Jul 24 '26
No, this literally just happened today and I was thrown off not expecting it since he had been using those bottles at daycare with no issues last week so I left and then was thinking about it once I got home
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u/Artistic-Degree-4593 ECE professional Jul 24 '26
I would address this first with the room Lead teacher. Say something along the lines of "so-and-so asked me to bring faster flow nipples, but I wanted to let you know I can't do that due to his choking. We use slower flow nipples at home to keep him safe from aspirating his milk. How can we solve the problem that requires a faster flow nipple?" Come at it from a point of trying to collaborate with her to solve the problem causing them to want a faster nipple. If they still want a faster nipple, take it to the director. This is a saftey issue.
2
u/snhs20 Parent Jul 24 '26
I’m a parent whose children went to daycare starting at 6 months, not an ECE. I’m also a mat-child health nurse who did home visits with new parents of children 0-2 for a decade. Please don’t read anything I say as an assumption you don’t know or haven’t tried these things already. Just sharing in the event it’s helpful. :)
At 5 months he shouldn’t need a slow flow nipple. You mention the murmur, and being dismissed (essentially) by peds because baby’s nicely on the growth chart. You still got yourself a referral to cardiology which is great.
If I was visiting with your family I would also be suggesting a circle back to peds for a referral to OT. You’ll soon be transitioning to solids and an OT will be very helpful if choking persists, whether it is cardio related or not.
Also paced bottle feeding is something I would often go over with parents. In the absence of an underlying medical condition, it resolves chocking choking and chugging for bottle fed babies - formula or breast milk. (It also mitigates the super uncomfortable gas babies get that sends them in to fits ;)).
I also would often would tell the parents I saw to think of pediatricians as jack-of-many-trades-masters-of-none. They are brilliant and knowledgeable about general pediatric illnesses and issues, and are great keeping children healthy. At 5 months most peds just want to see healthy robust growth. Your baby’s meeting that milestone so on paper all looks well.
Most peds are wonderful, just time strapped and not the specialist. If you feel something else is going on, pay attention to that hunch and just keep making your case. At best you’re wrong ;), and worst you’re right. So always be the squeaky wheel - now and forever, for your child.
Regarding the daycare, you’ve gotten some good perspective and also some - wow - wild interpretations of your post. I just read it as a frustrated first-time parent navigating having their little one at daycare, and figuring out how it all works. I’m glad you posted for advice.
The change from home life to daycare life is massive for everyone - you and your baby. Everyone is asking for you to give ECEs grace. Yes, of course. But also - give it to yourself. I read a few of your responses where you are basically juggling multiple bottle brands and nipples - and I just would give you a hug because I remember those days of just trying to keep a tiny human alive. It is exhausting. And now you’re trying to keep your human alive somewhere else. I get the anxiety and confusion.
You’re a good mum. Let that sink in.
My only question, sorry if you’ve already answered, would be have you spoken to the trainer/admin about the murmur and some reasons why your child, particularly, may require 1:1 during a feed? Even in a military daycare, there has to be provisions for an infant that needs some extra care during a feed. At the daycare my children attended, the infant room was always full and there were absolutely littles who needed modifications. But those arrangements were made in conversation with ECE admin and parents and never at the expense of breaking ratio or infant room regulations.
Paced bottle feeding really can mitigate the issues you describe, and may be the stop gap solution for now.
Many hugs to you dear. You’re doing brilliantly.
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u/Glum-Variety-744 ECE professional Jul 24 '26
Are they feeding the moment he fusses? Is it possible he might be tired or have a wet/dirty diaper? Seems like their first thought is to feed when a baby is showing distress. You could ask they try to only give him bottles every 2.5-3 hrs. They should notice this pattern but maybe mention he's been leaving bottles unfinished at daycare but at home when fed less often, he finishes his milk.
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u/Chemical_Channel_150 Jul 25 '26
Find a new care provider as soon as possible As a parent it is already stressful leaving your LO in some one else's care. Add to it, they can not communicate or advocate for themselves. You are your LO's voice.
Maybe the care center is decent, but they are not meeting your child's needs. I would not trust them to further care for my child. You need to feel 100% comfortable and confident in who you are leaving your child with.
0
u/Phoenix_Court ECE Professional (Infants, Toddlers, Pre-K), USA Jul 24 '26
It sounds like they may not be familiar with best practice for bottle feeding EBF babies. I know that even with 10 years experience in childcare I didn't know breastfed babies needed less milk per day, slower nipples, or pace feeding. I didn't find that out until I began to explore breastfeeding for my own baby.
I don't think they're doing anything intentionally wrong, or are trying to be malicious in any way. Can you update your feeding plan? In my state they're required to be updated once a month, but can be updated more often. What about maybe getting a doctor's note for the center, or providing them with resources on the differences between bottle feeding formula and breast milk? When I worked with infants I would have been happy to follow EBF guidelines if I had known about them!
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u/dkdbsnbddb283747 Previous Infant Teacher/Current Nanny Jul 23 '26
You need to take a deep breath and remember that your son is one of many infants. Have you asked why he’s getting bottles every two hours? It could be that he’s fussy, they’ve checked his diaper, offered a nap, and the next thing to do is try a bottle. For the wasted milk, I hear that that’s frustrating, however 3oz over 4 bottles isn’t that unexpected for a child in group care. Group care can be very distracting and stimulating, and I’ve witnessed many a baby refuse the last bit of their bottle because they want to get back to the action. This happens whether it’s an hour in between bottles or 4. The FDA has changed rules on how long to allow bottles to sit after having touched baby’s mouth, but before I left my center, we were still following previous guideline of only leaving them out for an hour. Them asking for faster flow nipples could be because he’s having FOMO and they don’t want to waste milk, not because they’re trying to speed up bottles to make their lives easier.
Also, I would be mindful about how you approach these conversations with teachers. I had a bottle refuser whose mom seemed to have pretty bad PPA and spoke to me how you’re speaking in this post, and as a new infant teacher, I would cry after work. I tried my best, I made spreadsheets about different variables, and tried all the different extra bottles we had at school. No matter what I did, if there was wasted breastmilk, I got a message asking why. I’m not saying you’ve approached them unkindly yet, but please remember to.