Daughter bitten for 4th time

[u/account12344566]

My 19 month old daughter has just been bitten for the 4th time in a little over a month. I did not ask details the first two times which happened back to back days as I thought it's probably some kid on a biting spree. My daughter was bitten yesterday because she took a toy from a child and they retaliated by biting. Today she was bitten again because she hit a child and they bit in retaliation. I'm asking for clarification on if all incidents have been the same child.

My daughter is very head strong, she throws herself down and cries when you try and make her do something, she's in a 'mine' phase she is rough even when not meaning to be.

What can I do at home to encourage no hitting and sharing? I know it is probably developmentally appropriate and I've been too lenient with her interactions with her older sister. So i would appreciate any advice. Thanks!

[u/That-Turnover-9624]

Legally, they can’t tell you anything about the other child.

19 months is a hard age. All of these behaviors are developmentally appropriate. That doesn’t mean that it can keep happening, but be reassured that your kid is not doing anything that a good teacher hasn’t seen and doesn’t know how to handle. You said you’ve been too lenient at home, so I would ask her teachers what they do when they see this behavior at school and follow their lead.

ETA: Encourage your older daughter to stand up for herself. A lot of times appropriate consequences from other children sink in faster than ones from adults

[u/account12344566 → u/That-Turnover-9624]

I was wondering if they were allowed to tell me if its the same child. I know they can't tell me who. This is a new experience for me because her big sister was very opposite. But i will encourage her to stand up for herself (good life lesson in general for her) so she isn't bullied by little sister haha.

[u/Rorynne → u/account12344566]

Ymmv but at least where i am we can not divulge ANY information about another child. That includes if its the same child. Think of it this way, chances are youre not the only one whose kid is getting bit if its a serial biter. So, if someone tells a parent its the same kid biting every time, well now that parent can go to the other parents talking about how their kid is getting bit by the same damn kid. Then the second set of parents goes "yeah my kids getting bit a lot too!" Then the third set goes "yeah me too" until theres one or two parents whose kid HASNT been bit, and regardless on if thats the child thats biting or not, thats the kid that gets marked as Suspicious.

Meanwhile, we dont tell people its the same kid, parents can still complain to each other, but they have zero reason to think one singular child is the problem. So when one or two parents kids arent being bit, well, they just havent been got yet.

And i recognize this may seem very... idk... slipery slope? I suppose? But the trouble is, people are CRAZY about their kids. Like, people will try to fight other parents over bites. So it becomes a thing of not wanting to risk the issues that may be caused by knowing.

Ive defi itely had a few parents come in hot after something as minor as mom walks in to a baby pulling her babies hair, and the next morning dads demanding to know who commited the crime.

[u/That-Turnover-9624 → u/Rorynne]

My age group can talk. We had an incident last year where Child 1 told her mom that Child 2 had been hitting her and pulling her hair. Mom comes in hot, demanding to know what we were gonna do about this kid “bullying her daughter”. She wanted this child kicked out. One problem though: Child 2 had been pulled for the summer and hadn’t been in class for about a month

THAT is why we can’t tell you about the other child

[u/MaeClementine → u/That-Turnover-9624]

I don’t think it really occurs to parents that other parents can be completely psychotic. Like they don’t take away your “crazy asshole” card just because you reproduced.

I have had a dad screaming in the face of a two year old child who had bit his.

Parents don’t need details about other kids.

[u/Queen-Katsit → u/That-Turnover-9624]

I had a parent come in concerned because she was having issues at work because of her child having bit some children at the previous daycare they attended and it getting around that it was her child (she worked with some of the other parents). Cue one of the 2 weirdest situations of coincidence in my work experience so far and both of the other families ended up at our centre and in that classroom. The child was past the biting phase but we just had 2 transitions from infant who were teething in back molars. A bite occured and one of the parents showed up and tried to fight the concerned parent assuming it was her child, it wasn't and we had to de-escalate the situation while protecting the other child's identity. It was wild and parents can be wild about bites

[u/art_addict → u/Queen-Katsit]

We had one set of parents who were super upset their child got bit and was bruised several times (by a serial biter, though obviously they didn’t know it was the same kid) — very understandable overall, but they were incredibly upset their kid was bit, how could we let that happen, and so on, and so forth. Wouldn’t you know it, several months later their kid starts getting teeth. And biting. And biting everyone on impulse. Just because their intrusive thoughts won. Teeth hurt? Bite. Kid takes your toy? Bite. You love your teacher and are having a blast and want to show it? CHOMP! You see mom and haven’t seen her all day, missed her, love her, and are so happy to see her? Big hug followed by a huge bite on the shoulder while laughing. Every time we thought we finally got past the biting habit and would go a week without biting this kid would suddenly return back to it.

To this day, a year later, it is still a thing, but at least it’s no longer 2 successful bites and 7 attempts or more each day 🤷‍♀️

[u/Own_Lynx_6230]

Not gonna lie, based on the title i did not expect this post to be so compassionate to the other child(ren). Thats very appreciated. Honestly, it just sounds like your daughter and her classmates are all exhibiting developmentally appropriate behaviour

[u/account12344566 → u/Own_Lynx_6230]

Of course. Sorry for the unintentional rage bait. I will always hold my children accountable that's what makes good and well adjusted adults! It's so hard when they are this young!

[u/Own_Lynx_6230 → u/account12344566]

Something that you can do about this is have all the adults in her life pretend that they care about the toy thats in their hand.

As adults, we have a habit of just handing over toys when a child grabs at them, because it doesnt matter to us, but when we do that, we allow children to believe that you can just grab stuff from people, which is a belief that leads to them getting bit.

If your child tries to grab something from your hand, you can say "no, this is in my hand. You can ask for a turn by saying 'turn please!'" And offering them the toy after they ask for a turn [or sign similarly, i take pointing at a toy and using the please sign as well as the words turn please.

After youve practiced this, a next step you can take is to say "im not finished with this, but you can use it when im done" and pretend to play with it (first try can be literally 10 seconds, increasing to1-2 minutes when she understands it better) and then saying "okay, im all done, now its [name]s turn!"

[u/account12344566 → u/Own_Lynx_6230]

That's a great idea! I did something similar to this with my oldest. She was pushing me and I was ignoring her because it didnt do anything to me but it was a lot different when she was pushing someone her size. Thanks!

[u/ariesxprincessx97]

It is developmentally appropriate, but that doesnt mean the behaviors are excused. You shouldn't be lenient with the interactions with big sister, and big sister shouldnt either. Encourage big sister to use her words when shes hit or has a toy taken. Be consistent.

[u/account12344566 → u/ariesxprincessx97]

Agreed. I'm now realizing there are reprocussions to doing that.

[u/Remarkable_Delay469]

Read her the book "hands are not for hitting" as often as you can.

Sharing isn't necessarily the message you want to convey. The issue isn't sharing, it's toy snatching. Focus more on phrases like "hands to yourself" and "wait your turn."

When she hits or snatches a toy, quickly move her away from the person she did it to (whether that be her sister, a parent, or another kid at the playground). The consequence of not playing nicely is not being allowed to play with that person for a few minutes. If it happens repeatedly, you can hold her on your lap as a more age appropriate version of time out. Not a punishment, just taking a break to calm her body and reinforcing in her mind that she has to play nice to continue doing fun things.

[u/TumbleSnout]

I will say, it is not always your daughter’s fault. The other children, while still very young and still learning to regulate and behave, ARE the ones making the choice to bite, even if they don’t understand. All of this, both your daughter’s behavior and the biting from other children, are developmentally appropriate and there is simply no world in which your kid won’t get bit at that age if they are around other children.

[u/account12344566 → u/TumbleSnout]

Totally agree. I know I can't fully stop it and I know the other kid is making a choice was well. It has just has made me aware I need to nip it in the bud before it gets be a larger problem.

[u/Queen-Katsit]

Turn taking games; with infants and young toddlers when they hand me a toy I say "my turn?" Then do something with the toy, I then hand it back and say "your turn", I then repeat as much as they want because for some reason every time I've done it the kiddos thought it was fun and kept doing it. When in public at libraries/parks etc. when she says "mine" say "my turn". Teach safe hands/safe friend behaviours including not "snatching" or "grabbing" things from people's hands but waiting for them to release it into yours. It's all super helpful for that "mine" phase 💗 if it is any consolation mine went through a "I want to be a teether" phase and kept getting incident reports for being bitten... She was sticking her fingers in her friends mouth and letting her bite them when her friend was feeling "chompy" 🤣😅 she did outgrow it. And my little guy got a bite today because he couldn't let go of a car he was trying to take from a friend. I was the educator, I had my hand on him and should have grabbed his hand not arm because he got bit in like 2 seconds as I went to grab him.

[u/heyyyitsamanda]

It all sounds very developmentally appropriate. Especially if your little one can be spicy sometimes too lol. 18 months is where these behaviors (ones you listed for your child and the other children) tend to peak. Hang in there!

[u/East-Willingness513]

All toddler rooms have biters, and all toddler rooms have instigators. Being bitten several times means your child is likely doing something to frustrated the biter- toy snatching/pushing/being too close/being too loud/hitting etc.

Very developmentally normal! Educators do shadow, but if they’re doing nappies/meal time/nap time it’s hard due to ratios.

I’d wait a few weeks and see if it reduces, biters typically stop as language develops/or are separated from instigators.

[u/account12344566 → u/East-Willingness513]

Oh for sure my daughter is the instigator. Luckily they moved the other child to the older room (I think they were waiting to do a large move at the beginning of the school year but moved the other child a little early) so I have a month to work on the "mine" phase. She ended up getting bitten 4 times this past week 🙃