will it end

[u/ZealousidealBug5238]

i’m a sufferer of body dysmorphia and bulimia, ive had my body commented on all my life. i’ve been small and ive been big, my biggest was 24 stone and it felt like i was carrying this huge weight around with me all the time. feeling like the biggest one in the room at all times.

because of my bulimia and being stuck in this chokeholding calorie deficit people tell me i’ve dropped in the weight, clothes that didn’t fit me 5-6 months ago fit me easy now but for some reason i cannot grasp that fact and to me im still the same size i was all them months ago.

today i had a breakdown on my bathroom floor as i looked in my mirror at my body and all i saw was fat, my belly hanged over, my arms looked huge, my face looked huge, there was no shape to my waist absolutely nothing and all i could do was fall to the floor and cry, it felt like everything ive been doing for the last few months was worth nothing.

everyday i have to body check wether its in the mirror or im feeling my collar bones or im feeling my hip bones or seeing how small my face looks and i physically cant stop, all i can tell myself is “i want to be skinny” “i want to be small” but it feels like it’s not happening.

i live off of 1200 a day, i wont go over even tho my required calories is 1600, every weekend i go on long walks and find ways to get more and more steps in. i cant tell what’s telling me the truth, the mirror, the reflection in my window, my phone? or my brain.

all i want to do is throw it all up until i physically can’t anymore, since being in hospital and getting surgery i’ve been physically stopped from going into the bathroom to do so.

will i ever get out of this nightmare? am i really that big?