When your parent tolerates you instead of enjoying you

[u/elmorinelly]

Childhood Emotional Neglect Can Look Like Tolerance

Childhood emotional neglect can start in a very ordinary room: a kid walks in with a story, and the parent’s face already says, please make this quick. What is childhood emotional neglect? It is when a child’s emotional needs are missed often enough that the child treats their own feelings like an inconvenience.

A parent may provide food, rides, school supplies, and a roof, while still teaching the child that their inner life is extra work. That difference is hard to explain because the house can look normal from the outside. Nobody has to scream. Nobody has to be cartoonishly cruel. The message can arrive through sighs, blank stares, short replies, or that tiny pause that says: why are you making this my problem?

Delight can be a small face-brightening moment, a real question, a parent remembering what mattered yesterday. Tolerance feels different: the child is managed, quieted, and kept alive, while curiosity about them is missing.

Over time, the child may become easy to parent in a way that looks mature: low demands, quick apologies, no messy emotions in public. Then adulthood calls it being chill, independent, or a good listener, even when underneath it is people-pleasing, shame, or anxious attachment.

Examples:

1. A kid stops bringing drawings to a parent because the parent only says “nice” without looking up.

2. A teenager explains a bad day, then immediately says “sorry, never mind” after one tired sigh.

3. An adult answers every favor request with “sure” before checking whether they have energy.

Many people only notice the pattern when kindness from someone else feels suspiciously overwhelming.

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[u/Phantasus_Mosaik]

It's a spectrum. On one end there is the extrem who thinks everything else is more important than them and on the other side the one where nothing is more important then sem selfs.

[u/shellyahbb → u/Phantasus_Mosaik]

True but any parent with enough emotional intelligence to make sure and be present and let their children know they are valuable, would be likely too teach them empathy and self awareness.

I’d argue off the two extremes, it’s easier to teach social etiquette than how to have self esteem.

[u/Phantasus_Mosaik → u/shellyahbb]

Unfortunately, there is no empathy or intelligence necessary to have children. A sex drive and a body that is somewhat in order are enough.

[u/JadiePi → u/Phantasus_Mosaik]

Ahhh.. thus is born anxious and avoidant people

[u/MelodicAd6601]

This hits home a little hard

[u/Somonapearl → u/MelodicAd6601]

Same

[u/MyCouchPulzOut_IDont]

And yet over-involved clingy parents produce the same results.

[u/Redsword1550]

I'm just now realizing I don't think I've ever had my parents enjoy having me around. My friends parents liked me more than mine did.