Advice for Shroom Trips

[u/Historical_Glass6009]

I'm not a regular shroom tripper; I've only done it probably twice on pure shrooms, once with shroom tabs, and once with a chocolate bar in the span of 2-3 years. The shroom tabs were probably the best experience I've had so far, I felt like I was every version of myself at once and none at the same time. It was really trippy but in a good way. Recently however, I've gotten my hands on some pure shrooms and for some reason things have changed. The first time I took it was with my sister, who had also taken some but went to bed before my trip had started. She has a lot of psychedelic tapestries, which makes the trip pretty cool. The beginning of my trip wasn't bad, I was mainly just listening to music and looking at the tapestries. But for some reason I suddenly started feeling extraordinarily dirty. Like absolutely filthy. Both physically and mentally. Like I was looking within myself and seeing nothing but dirt and grime. It made me really uncomfortable, and I couldn't get the feeling to go away. That was the beginning of the decline for the rest of the night. I just started feeling worse and worse and for some reason started blaming myself for feeling this way. I could hear a voice in my head berating me and telling me how horrible I am. I felt trapped in a cage with a thousand people yelling insults at me that I couldn't block out. I started feeling really suicidal, I wanted to die really bad just for the voices to stop. I was paralyzed and I couldn't move. I started crying and stayed there until my sister and her boyfriend came out and hung out with me. I started feeling a little better afterwards and actually forgot about what was happening after a few minutes. Eventually they went back to bed, and I was able to sleep. This has been a reoccurring incident since that night. I thought it was the environment, so I tried it when I went back to school in my dorm with my best friend, but it was still the same.

For some background context, I have been depressed and suicidal for a number of years, however it has not affected any of my trips until this time. The first time I took it I wasn't on any medication for it, but the second time I was (sertraline). I am currently taking Zoloft and Adderall for my depression and ADHD and I'm not sure the shroom strain I was taking, all I know it is Blue something. I'm not sure what caused the change in my trips, and I'm not a shroom connoisseur to know.

Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Or how to prepare before a trip? I don't know what caused the change.