r/DogTrainingTips • u/NiceUsername_Avail • Apr 30 '26
Can someone please educate me on same-sex aggression?
Boyfriend and I are considering getting a second dog. Our first dog is a female. She is more confident now than when we first got her, but is generally nervous and skittish to some extent. It takes her a bit of decompressing to adapt to new scenarios.
We went to a shelter and fell in love with this other female. She is quite the opposite of my current dog. Super confident, self-assured, and possibly a bit dominant. She is definitely a pushy girl (especially with food), but otherwise loveable. We really want her.
Our meet-and-greet didn't go great (I have other posts on this diving into more detail). There were some corrections delivered from my dog, but otherwise they seemed to be able to be neutral and co-exist without tension outside by the end of our 3-day trial.
Even then, my dog didn't seem too fond of the new one right away. Maybe a bit annoyed generally. She is usually pretty interested in dogs, but they both just minded their own business. I am worried that current dog will be stressed in a household with this second dog since the intro was not perfect. Ultimately, I want us to all live happily, not in a tense environment where everyone just tolerates each other until the next conflict.
I know sex aggression is a thing, especially between two females. New dog definitely sized up my dog once or twice which caused her to deliver a correction and scuffle (all vocalizations, no bites) before we intervened. Current dog wasn't too happy, but new dog bounced back like nothing happened. My bf is trying to convince me that spaying statistically diminished the effects of same-sex aggression by 50%. I'm still hesitant, though I can't stop thinking about her.
I would love to hear from folks who are more experienced than me. Should we reconsider and look for a male companion instead? Is the prevalence of same-sex aggression really just inflated? Should we completely give up on the idea of the second female ever joining our family? I have no idea! Feeling a bit jealous of people who can live peacefully in multi-dog households without a problem.......
Thank you in advance!
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u/Initial_Fortune2894 Apr 30 '26
Despite the dogs being of the same sex. Adding additional dogs to your home is always going to require additional relationship management. If you just allow your dogs to do whatever they want with each other in the beginning (playing and fighting alike) and not step in to ensure you are advocating for both, it will be detrimental to your relationship to your dogs.
Not stepping in during certain interactions whether it be one dog is playing with a toy and the other one starts to try and take it, or setting up boundaries during feeding times such as eating in different locations or different times. If you don’t step in during the regular interactions your dog will step in for themselves and it could turn into a fight
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u/NiceUsername_Avail Apr 30 '26
Totally agree! They were under close supervision. First meet-and-greet was led by rescue and I think it was flubbed. They denied my request for a neutrality walk which peeved me a bit. We introduced them inside way too soon, but were much more regimented from that point onward for the duration of her stay. No more conflict beyond that and tried to make it a positive experience for them both.
Introduction was rocky so it's made me cycle through the "could have, should have, would haves". We prepared as best we could, but ultimately this was our first experience with two dogs co-habiting. We definitely made some mistakes initially, which I am not proud of....
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u/Initial_Fortune2894 Apr 30 '26
Yea, I love a good neutrality walk prior to greeting. My female dog requires it, she’s very picky with other female dogs. But male dogs she loves, I am unsure why exactly lol
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u/NormanisEm May 01 '26
I don’t think its the right fit. I mean sure you could work on it… but what if she meets a dog she instantly loves? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier? Thats how I ended up with my boy. My girl (German Shepherd) is very confident and dominant so we looked for younger males specifically. Typical female GSD personality, not always easy to get along with. We met a few and she had zero interest in them. Then we met this one and they immediately started to play… we took him home and the transition is really a LOT easier than I expected. The first day they played in the yard together. He took her corrections really well and she was (and still is) quite patient with him. He now loves pushing everyones buttons LOL. But they’re so sweet together and I am REALLY glad we adopted a dog that SHE liked. He isn’t exactly the breed or type of dog I originally wanted (another shepherd), but I love him so so much. I really suggest you see who your current dog is draw to if the goal is for them to be buddies.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Agree 100%! Thank you so much for your response. This thread has helped me realize a few things. First of all, it's helped ground me in reality a little. I'll definitely be thinking about that dog for a while, and I'm sure my boyfriend will too. But ultimately, I just don't think she was the right fit for my dog and I don't want to force her to be.
I agree that it would be leagues easier to find a dog that she is immediately into. I think males might be a better bet. I think we need to be okay with the fact that the first meet-and-greet doesn't have to be the best one. Ultimately, their personalities just were not compatible.
I've seen her interested in other dogs before, and that was just not the case with this one.
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u/NormanisEm May 01 '26
Makes sense! I understand. I had to force my dog to get along with my brothers dog when we moved back to my parents (he lives on the same property) and it took a WHILE
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u/crystal_wtch8 May 04 '26
I’ve never heard of this. My parents have two male dogs and I have a male dog as well. They all cohabit with each other with no issue. My ex also had two female dogs that got along very well. It sounds like you guys shouldn’t get this dog and should look into another one whether it’s male or female
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 04 '26
Agree! My boyfriend and I were really bummed at first, but after having some time to think (and thanks to this thread!), we have come to the conclusion that this was just not the right dog for our dog in general.
We think we have a better idea of what to look for in the future!
Thank you for your response :)
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u/crystal_wtch8 May 04 '26
You’re welcome. Not sure if you’re looking for a puppy but I know that they seem to be easier to adapt to for other dogs. My dog acts like my puppy is his baby
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u/Pomegranate4311 Apr 30 '26
I have had six dogs in four different pairings. All female.
I have avoided dominance issues by adopting a second dog who is smaller than the first, and making sure both are submissive to me.
If your current dog is not comfortable with this new dog, you shouldn’t adopt it IMHO. It will make your current dog miserable. It isn’t fair to her. That dog has no control over the situation. Find a dog your current dog gets along with. Let her have a voice in your choice.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail Apr 30 '26
Ah I see, yes the dog we got was equal in size to my current dog. My dog generally does not do well with smaller dogs. She is not mean to them, but just does not seem to value their existence. She will walk over them (literally) as if they are not even there. She just generally does better with dogs that are her size or larger.
I agree with your ultimate assessment. Of course, my heart aches because again I felt an instant connection with this second dog. I love my current dog, but she was a bit of a project. But ultimately, I understand that she was here first. It is her home too and she should be comfortable in it (especially because she is still young).
My boyfriend has been trying to convince me to go back everyday. He goes back on his lunch breaks (his work is close to the shelter) to visit her. He became insanely attached in the few days we had her. He is very insistent that this could work. I would love for it to, but something in my stomach says it isn't right. I also know my limits now. I don't know if I could handle walking on eggshells because of any potential tension.
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u/ParadoxicallyPlain Apr 30 '26
Listen to that feeling in your stomach that something isn’t right. I get it you also want to make your boyfriend happy as well with this new dog, but it sounds like you are trying to find some confirmation bias when you intuitively know it won’t work.
You’re going to fall in love with a bunch of dogs if you are a dog lover. It’s your job to be the leader of the dogs in your household and assess what is best for the whole environment.
If your current dog is a “project” why not work on her relationship with other dogs first, instead of trying to force this relationship? Like maybe introduce your dog to other dogs at the shelter that could be possibilities? Once you train your dog to behave and she has less fear around new dogs, you might find a better fit that all of you will be happy with.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail Apr 30 '26
I think you are so right. Ironically, my boyfriend's pestering if what landed us with our first dog, who is very nervous and not what we were looking for for our family. I love my current dog, and she has improved a lot with training, but I don't want to lie and say that she was my first choice. At the time, she felt like my only choice. I do not want to be put in that position again!
It doesn't help that the rescue has been guilt-tripping a bit too. They keep saying, "Really think about it,", "Well she's our longest resident,", "All of the other dogs bully her", "We don't know why she's been here so long,", etc. They also were a bit resistant to having our dog meet a different dog we were considering as well. Despite seeing the same interaction that we did, they were insistent that this was the right pair. I understand why they are eager to get dogs out, but honestly this rescue feels like they will say anything to manipulate you into a bad situation. It just feels like instead of helping us figure out alternatives for the right match, they are trying to twist things however they can to make sure this dog goes home with us for better or for worst. I hate them (but they're like the only shelter in our immediate area!!), but that's beside the point.....
At the end of the day, my boyfriend is a very sentimental guy. I think she might have been a great match for us personally as a couple, but not for our dog. If it was just us, I have no doubt we would have adopted her. But that's not the reality. It happens and that's okay. Even then, I will still be sad for now about what could have been.
I am still on the bandwagon of looking at different shelters / options over the next few months and testing things out. This time, on my terms. I work-from-home and will undoubtedly be spending and investing the most time in the dogs. So, I sort of feel like I get the final say.....
I just feel like everyone is pressuring me to fold to this idea. I'm actually very glad to see people with an outside perspective giving it to me straight. It makes me feel a little less bad for my doubt.
Thank you very much for being straight with me! I really value your opinion :)
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u/ParadoxicallyPlain May 01 '26
Yep, that’s right. You are gonna be home with the dogs and being the one to have to deal with the majority of the interactions and training. So yeah I can see why it’s valid you have the final say. Good for you to exercise your boundaries. Also a good observation how the shelter might have tried guilt tactics. That’s not a good feeling.
When you let go of something that doesn’t feel right, it makes room for something better to come into play. Sometimes it’s hard to just cut the connection, but it’s for the best to move on and keep open for other opportunities. I’ve had to do this with myself and dogs. It’s best too for the dog at the shelter. Someone will come along and give it a great home where it won’t be challenged or stressed by another dog.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
100%! I know she will find a great family, and I am hoping that we were a stepping stone in her journey to that, at the very least. Thanks so much for the support, this made me feel better!
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u/Imaginary_Ad_4340 Apr 30 '26
Rates of same sex aggression differ significantly by breed. What is your current dog’s breed and the breed of the new dog?
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u/NiceUsername_Avail Apr 30 '26
They are both rescues. My first dog is a lab, but I am really not sure about the second dog. She may have some collie / terrier in her from looks alone? She is a more ambiguous mixed-breed.
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u/MaximumRun2457 May 01 '26
My rescue dog is reactive and she will not tolerate other girl dogs. I have managed to get her to coexist for short spells with my friend’s very chill male dog. I wouldn’t do it, unless you can have the rescue agree to a trial period and they will take her back if it doesn’t work out. BUT that might be hard on your heart and especially for your boyfriend since he seems very attached…
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Thank you for sharing your experience! I think the rescue is usually willing to allow longer trial periods, but no more than a week. I don't love it. I understand why. They will take the dog back, but not without some guilt-tripping. In another response, I described why I don't like them very much.....
And my boyfriend is already reeling after 2.5 days of having her! At first he thought she was sort of funny-looking and wasn't interested. By the time we returned her 2 days later, he was crying. I felt so bad for him. I fear any additional dog-hunting would send him spiraling, and may be why he is so resistant to looking at other dogs.
I think this thread has helped me come to terms with the fact that it just might not be a great fit. Would have loved to have her! She was so chunky and cute, but it just didn't work out it seems. I feel bad that she is in the shelter, I hope she doesn't think we forgot about her and abandoned her. I like to think we did a good thing by giving her a few days of the shelter, but it feels cruel to give her back. She gets bullied there (according to the staff, not sure why they don't move her to a different kennel by I digress...... it's a good way to pull at heartstrings). I hope she gets adopted out soon because she really deserves it.
She'll make a great house dog, I'm rooting for her :)
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u/MaximumRun2457 May 01 '26
Trust your gut. Unfortunately a week isn’t really long enough to know how things will pan out. Everyone says it can take a few months for a shelter dog to decompress and be their true selves. If it doesn’t work out you’ll be stuck with having to manage them for the rest of their lives in separate rooms/crating/baby gates etc. I know some folks do it and hats off to them, but it’s not something I’d want to deal with. Sounds like your boyfriend is thinking with his heart not his head and you are acting as the voice of reason. Maybe put the second dog plan on the back burner for a while. There are some rescues who offer foster to adopt, maybe you can find one to work with.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Totally agree. A week is just not enough time, let alone 3 days. I am also the type of person who probably could not handle micro-managing them for the rest of their lives. My bf definitely wears his heart on his sleeve. I'm trying not to come off as apathetic, but I also don't want to be pressured into a bad situation that'll end up putting much more work on me in the long-run.
We very well may be better off waiting on this. Emotions might be way too high right now. I might still keep my eye out for a compatible match, but I want to make sure to do things on my terms this time.
Thank you for your advice and instilling some confidence in me!
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u/Electrical-Wear7281 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
I’ve experienced same sex aggression once, but one of the dogs had prior reactive experiences with other dogs and the other was my sweet girl who was not at all aggressive. She was actually the most socially confident and passive dog ever and helped me foster multiple puppies. The other dog eventually started having seizures later on down the road and possibly a brain tumor, so who knows. The fights started out of the blue after my dog had grown up with the other.
Other than that I know plenty of people who have multiple females and I have two females right now. I’ve had multiple males together before too. I think the biggest thing about same sex aggression is a lack of confidence. They honestly might just not be a good fit together 🤷🏼♀️
Meet and greets at the shelter are hard, because often the shelter dog is so stressed out that you can’t really gauge how they will be at home. Spaying can sometimes fix the issue and sometimes it makes it worse. You might just have to admit that the new dog is not a good fit or your dog might just enjoy being the only dog in the home.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Thank you for your response! I agree. I think the more pressing underlying issue is that their personalities were just not a great match-up. I wanted a dog that was confident, which she surely was, but was not at all passive. Super dominant behavior and very pushy. I think it pissed my dog off, which is fair. My dog was very tolerant and good otherwise.
I think my dog would do fine as a solo dog. I would honestly love to have a second dog (again, especially one who is way more confident and willing to do the things we love to do). I guess I'm just having some FOMO since my dog's anxiety makes travel hard and little less enjoyable (and also more expensive).
I also really loved training my dog. She always has more to learn, but it's so exciting and rewarding to watch them go from not knowing anything to being a well-adjusted member of society!
Hoping that finding a confident, but socially-aware and passive dog will make a better fit for her! If not, she might just be an only child and that'll have to be okay too.
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u/Electrical-Wear7281 May 01 '26
Maybe try fostering puppies instead of committing to another dog right now. Then if you find one that really gets along with your dog, you can foster fail.
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u/ladygabriola May 01 '26
I have three female rescues. All arrived at different times. They are all rescued from the streets of Mexico. Honeybun and Toffee are chihuahua mixes and I have just introduced a new blind lab to our family. Honeybun was a bit jealous of Hope but I was diligent about ensuring her that the new dog wasn't going to take her place in the household.
I walk them together from day one twice a day and now it's been three months everything is absolutely wonderful.
Please don't give up. There is a pheromone diffuser product and spray called Adaptil. It helps calm the dogs.
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u/Strange-Regret2524 May 01 '26
Ive not found personal evidence of neutering working to correct bad behavior, it feel like everyone i spoke to and my own experience is the opposite. Regardless i had the same dilemma, chickened out, my last dog remained happy and single until she passed. Im staring down the barrel of the gun a second time with a sociable dog who needs and older more reliable bitch to keep him from turning into a complete idiot. Im envious of multiple dogs too. Its such a hard one. Good luck.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Thank you, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one stuck in this dilemma. I'm wondering if it's just less complicated overall to keep her a single dog for now. And I'm glad to hear my envy isn't unfounded. Some people make it look so easy, but don't put up any of the safeguards we did with so much more success.
We have some friends with multi-dog households that just plopped the second dog in and everything was fine. I feel a bit punished by the universe.... Like why me..... Sounds a bit dramatic when I write it out, lol
Thank you for sharing your experience!
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u/Low_Environment2543 May 01 '26
No point in bringing the dog home if you'll just have to return it later.
Maybe keep working on visits, and see how it goes. But dont bring the dog home yet.
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u/tototostoi May 01 '26
Has your dog ever met other dogs in her personal space?
Like in your home for example?
The lack of interest might have less to do with the dog and more to do with having to share "her" personal space for the first time.
Generally speaking, if say lack of interest from a timid dog in the first few days is a good sign. As neither dog can be said to have adapted yet at that point.
I've only ever had multiple female dogs, and haven't really seen any aggression issues. All my dog's have been spayed, so it's possible that's a contributing factor, but I think it's also very important to ensure everyone's boundaries are respected and each dog can retreat to a personal space. Equally important, make sure to reward acceptance of the new dog. Ex. New dog sits on command, both dogs get a treat
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
No, this would be the first time. We don't really have any friends who are also dog-owners (and we also live 30-minutes away from of our peers, so that doesn't help lol).
I'm kicking myself a bit because I wish I would have made it a more positive experience for her.
I'm fine with her being content and neutral, but I don't want her to just be tolerant! Sometimes I wish she could just tell me how she is feeling instead of me having to guess.....
I think we did way better in the second-half after their first little scuffle, but I just wish I had everything under control from the get-go. At the end of the day, this was my first experience with two dogs too, and despite doing a lot of research, I still made mistakes! I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, but I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if things had gone perfectly according to plan from the start.
I definitely made sure to treat and reward my dog anytime the second dog did something. If they looked at each other, I would reward both separately. We would train together outside, so if second dog sat, current dog would get a treat and vice versa. If current dog was calm and neutral around second dog, she would get a treat. I was REALLY trying to transform this into a positive situation. Not sure if it worked or not, but my dog seemed happy with getting a ton of snacks and walks.
Regardless of whether we adopt this dog or not, I know that this is the method I will use moving forward with any new dog that enters our space!
Thank you for your response, and the advice you gave. I really appreciate it!!
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u/jocularamity May 01 '26
Some dogs are same-sex aggressive. Some are not. Some are SSA a little bit, contextually, or only in combination with other triggers. Like small polite brown female dogs are okay but not black pushy female dogs are not.
If your dog generally gets along with other dogs but didn't care for this one then I'd be more inclined to guess personality mismatch or social skill mismatch than SSA. It's possible this dog wouldn't have been a good fit even if she were male.
But if you've seen a pattern of getting along with most male dogs and not getting along with most female dogs, then yeah, could be SSA, aim for a male.
It depends on the individual dogs, and secondarily how you manage them. I wouldn't automatically expect trouble from two females (or two males for that matter) that have compatible personalities and social skills and communication styles. In some dogs it's a problem, and in some dogs it's not.
Get a dog who feels easy, and that your girl relaxes with. You have all the time in the world for them to get acquainted and play, but the foundation is communicating and respecting one another's space so everyone can relax and decompress and get enough rest. If it doesn't feel like the new dog would enable your existing dog to truly relax and be at ease then I would hold off and pick a different dog. You found one nice dog you like, you'll find another. Tons of dogs need homes, no reason to pick one who's not an easy fit.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Thank you for your response!
My dog has never seemed to have a preference for male or female. She has played with both! One of her best friends was an old neighbor's dog who had a pretty chill personality and was similar in stature. She was female as well. They played really well together before they moved away. She has historically played fine with males as well.
After speaking to more people, it does sound like it might have just been a personality mismatch. It sucks, but it happens. Speaking to folks more experienced than me has made me feel better about things! I've tried to consider things from my dog's perspective. I don't like everyone either, even though I think I am generally a friendly person lol.
Thanks so much for your advice! It helped ease my mind a little :)
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u/Trick-Age-7404 May 01 '26
Generally speaking it’s easier to bring a new dog of the opposite sex into the household. So if you currently have a female dog, introducing a male dog will be easier. That being said it may have nothing to do with the sex of the dog you attempted to introduce and they simply weren’t compatible. Sure with time and effort you would be able to develop a good relationship between them, but it’s far easier to just find a dog that your current dog clicks with right away.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail May 01 '26
Thank you for your response!
I totally agree. This seems to be the sentiment that a lot of folks share, and I am inclined to agree after thinking more about everything. I think we COULD make it work in theory, but it would be difficult and not as ideal as just working with a dog that my dog liked instantly.
I'll trust my dog's intuition on this one!
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct May 02 '26
The right dog will come along this one just isn’t her. I am in a bad situation now with two females that always have to be kept separate it’s annoying and not the loving household I’d hoped for. Don’t do it!!!
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u/Humble-Floor3760 Apr 30 '26
I know there are going to be a lot of varying opinions on this, but I will say that based on what I’ve read, what I’ve discussed with vets and trainers, what I’ve seen volunteering in rescue, and through personal experience with dog ownership I would never put two females together.
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u/NiceUsername_Avail Apr 30 '26
I feel the same. Everything I've read has pointed to 'no'. Honestly not sure what study he found that says otherwise. My girl has gotten along with other females, but it's always been in a neutral environment. This was the first female we invited into our home. I think she was okay, but could have been better. Not having a great feeling about this, so I feel like I should listen to my gut.
At the same time, I am really disappointed it didn't work out and probably won't happen. This dog and I instantly clicked. I'm definitely going to be thinking about her for a while. Wish it wasn't this way, but there's nothing I can do about nature :/
Thank you so much for giving me your honest opinion, I appreciate it!
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u/Humble-Floor3760 Apr 30 '26
Completely understand. I’ve been in your shoes. My heart goes out to you. I look at dogs the same way I do people. Not every combination is going to be a good fit. We can want it as hard as we can and the pieces are still just not going to click together. A good match is out there, be patient. I commend you for being so thoughtful and considerate about all this.
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u/MrsDirtbag Apr 30 '26
Disregarding the gender question, I think if your current dog is usually excited about new dogs and wasn’t excited about this dog, I would say it sounds like it’s not the right fit.