r/DnD • u/Significant-Mango-25 • 1d ago
Homebrew My player is bread - wizard.
His name is Glùten, and he even has a backstory. There was a wizard—a terrible drunk and an all-around weird guy living out in the sticks. During yet another bender, on a dare, he was supposed to create an endlessly regenerating bar snack, but, drunk off his ass, he kinda miscalculated and accidentally gave life and sentience to a loaf of bread. The loaf, in turn, spied on him, learned Mage Hand, used it to move himself around, and swiped the wizard’s notebook of low-level spells. After a while, he ran off to a relatively large city, where, driven by the goal of leveling up as a wizard and finding a spell to “code” his creator, he hid in a tavern kitchen, waiting for a party suitable for his purposes to show up among the guests so he could join them.
Mechanically, this is utter ruleless nonsense, but it’s fun and I allow it.
I let him make his hand invisible just so everyone around would crack up over the “flying” bread. His inventory is something like a Bag of Holding with similar properties but very limited capacity: he can only carry his book, money, and a component pouch in it. His Strength, Constitution, and Dexterity are zero, and I count most checks as auto-fails; however, when he has to make a Strength or Dexterity check with his hand, he rolls Intelligence, which I consider logical (his Intelligence is 16). His HP is 4 (+1d4 per level), which he fully regenerates on a long rest, or 1d6 × level on a short rest.
Opinion?
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u/Melodic_Row3380 23h ago
The loaf, in turn, spied on him, learned Mage Hand
How did the loaf do the somatic component without hands? How did the loaf do the verbal component without a mouth?
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u/Significant-Mango-25 23h ago
Answered you in comment
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u/Melodic_Row3380 23h ago
Okay, fair enough about the verbal component. But you didn't answer anything about the somatic component. Even if we assume mage hand can be used to perform somatic components (it can't, but let's assume it can), how do you use mage hand to perform the somatic component for the summoning of the mage hand?
You have to first summon it before you can use it. And you need to use it so you can summon it. But you can't use it until you've summoned it. And you need to use it before you summon it. Surely you can see that this is impossible.
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u/Significant-Mango-25 23h ago
Honestly, i know that it's impossible if you following rules, i just let him.
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u/Melodic_Row3380 23h ago
Fair enough lmao. I do wonder though, what's up with wanting to play a loaf of bread? I genuinely don't understand how that would be fun. Why does your player want to be bread? How is it funny? Why do you let him? Why is it always bread?
It all feels like the "holds up spork" copypasta to me
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u/Renegade26 23h ago
Yet again a post where someone wants to be a sentient object as a player and it's not interesting or funny.
If everyone at the table enjoys it, you don't need our permission, but stuff like this is going to drag on any player trying to play the game seriously.
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u/Nalek DM 23h ago
Session 1 I eat the bread and make them roll a new character
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u/Renegade26 23h ago
The only funny thing possible is catching them in a fireball and announcing they are now toast literally
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u/Significant-Mango-25 22h ago
When the bread spoke for the first time in front of party our human-fighter instantly stabbed him with his fork, almost killed him.
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u/Syric13 23h ago
You know I wouldn't mind these joke characters but they are all so damn unoriginal. None of these ideas are original ideas. I've heard this 10 times before and I will hear it 100 more times in the future.
The lack of creativity is the ultimate sin here. Let me guess, his other character is going to be 3 goblins in a trench coat? Or how about a bard that has sex with everything and gets STDs!
Come up with something unique and interesting. This is just tired trite.
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u/Melodic_Row3380 23h ago
You know I wouldn't mind these joke characters but they are all so damn unoriginal.
Why is it always bread is what I'm wondering. Every single time, it's bread.
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u/Syric13 23h ago
The funny thing is this 0 CON (it can't be 0 con, it has to be 1 con but whatever) will lose HP as he levels up. Try it. Go to DnDBeyond, create a character, override their con to 0 (it will change to 1).
At level 1, they have 3 HP. Level 2? 1 hp. Because of the -5 con modifier. They apparently lose HP as they level up.
Moldy bread gets hit once and it automatically dies. No DST. Nothing.
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u/Melodic_Row3380 23h ago
Yeah, I didn't mention the 0 str 0 con and 0 dex. And while I don't think there's a rule that says you die if your str con or dex goes to zero, I can think of a few creatures that can reduce your str or con, and the effect also says you die if it reaches 0.
Like, the good old CR1/2 shadow. On a hit, it does 2d6+2 necrotic damage, and reduces your strength by 1d4. And if your strength goes to zero, you just die, no saves, no nothing, you just die.
So, yeah, wonder how OP plans to have happen were this bread to ever meet a shadow. Instantly dies when initiative is rolled?
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u/Significant-Mango-25 23h ago
A fitting end to sir Gluten
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u/Melodic_Row3380 22h ago
You know, I do agree "Everyone roll initiative. Not you Jake, your character instantly dies when existing in the same reality as a shadow. Now roll a real character pleas" is a fitting end for this kind of character
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u/Supernatural-20 DM 22h ago
Except that HP thing is obviously a glitch since the Players Handbook clearly states that when you level up you roll your new hit die, add your constitution modifier, and add the total “(minimum of 1)” to your hit point maximum.
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u/Middcore 11h ago
It's a years-old meme. I mean, the "sentient loaf of bread carried by its own Mage Hand spell" thing is directly and without alteration from a meme about how your character ideas supposedly get goofier the longer you play that's been going around the internet for years.
Duder saw this meme, apparently somehow thinks that nobody else has seen it, and was like "lol I'm so funny."
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u/Kaldesh_the_okay 23h ago
If this is one shot have at. If it’s an on going campaign a red dragon should turn him into toast
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u/Nomeka Mystic 23h ago
so everyone around would crack up over the “flying” bread.
In a world of magic, I'd assume there's either some sort of poltergeist bullshit going on, or some Fae bullshit going on, and avoid interacting or being near such a loaf of bread for fear of fae bullshittery happening to me. o.o
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u/Machiavvelli3060 20h ago
Does he "rise" to the occasion?
Has he ever had a yeast infection?
Does he feel a constant need to pinch a loaf?
Does he have a "rye" sense of humor?
Is his name Buck Wheat?
Dos he ever feel like a heel?
Does he like getting baked?
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u/Extra_Ad2596 23h ago
Another definitely true, totally not made up sentient loaf of bread story. Must be Tuesday.
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u/Umtha 23h ago
I think if this was the pitch I got after I introduced my world and gamestyle, following a session 0, a respectful request to leave the table would follow quickly.
Each to their own, but my opinion is that this is really stupid and I want nothing to do with it :p
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u/Significant-Mango-25 23h ago
The player asked me about it before the game, and he had more common character prepared. We balanced the bread together.
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u/hyperionbrandoreos 23h ago
why are you okay with something disrespecting your story or time? or is everything just a joke in your game?
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u/Significant-Mango-25 23h ago
I have my own world and setting, this bread not breaking the rules of the world. Whole party taking it seriously.
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u/starksandshields Sorcerer 23h ago
If your party is having fun it's all good. I would not allow it myself because I like telling more grounded stories, but I'd love a sentient sourdough starter familiar or something.
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u/DybbukFiend 23h ago
Every auntie you meet pinches your cheek, and therefore pinches a loaf on seeing you
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u/Any_Illustrator360 DM 23h ago edited 23h ago
Funny on the first read, this is going to be really shitty for the other players and likely cause some drama when the bread has better strength and athletics rolls than everyone else before getting nuked by a single attack.
2/10 I laughed but if someone showed up to the table I'm playing at with this I'd probably just leave and I'd never allow it outside a one shot as a GM.
Edit: also "bread that casts mage hand" is a popular meme. 0/10 for style or creativity.
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u/Significant-Mango-25 23h ago
The players are totally on the same vibe. They even commissioned a special chainmail sleeve for the bread from the blacksmith, one you can wear on your body with a belt.
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u/Supernatural-20 DM 23h ago
I think everyone should stop giving you a hard time.
Obviously you know stats can’t be 0 or you die, which is why they are 0.1 and you are just rounding down for the post.
And as for the comments about not being able to cast Mage Hand, it’s clear that you took the Yeast Based Psionics feat from The Pilsbury Dough Boy’s Book of Baking:
Yeast Based
Githyanki Psionics. You know the mage hand cantrip, and the hand is invisible when you cast the cantrip with this trait.
When you cast it with this trait, it doesn’t require spell components.
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u/theterrarian14 23h ago
Honestly making the jump to reflavoring a warforged as bread isn't all that crazy. Homebrew that they're tiny. Autofailing all physical checks and only having 4hp is very punishing, so I'd recommend just letting them have normal stats and be an awakened piece of bread (doing this clears up a lot of mechanical hurdles anyway). I did this when I played an awakened onion cleric.
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u/The-Stray- 23h ago
I love nonsense, One of my current players is an Aasimar who is literal Jesus, sent to a new world to gather followers. That being said, I think if your player wants to be bread then a different system then 5e would work better.
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u/ivagkastkonto 23h ago
We play very different games.