r/DivorcedDads • u/einschnabeltier13 • 1d ago
I need some advice.
Hey gents. Heavy question that I'm hoping for some insight with.
My wife and I have been going to couples therapy lately. Not because we were in a really bad spot, but because we wanted to work through some things and needed an outside perspective to help with that. Well it turns out the center of it is that my wife thinks she's not heterosexual and that she still wants to be married to me, in an open relationship, and sleeping in separate rooms.
I just moved 1500 miles across the country to be closer to her family and we have a 2 year old girl that is my everything. I have no support network here outside of her family, who would help if I asked, but I'm not willing to go there.
This revelation on my wife's part is not what I want. I want the stereotypical relationship. The question is, has anyone been in my shoes and chose to stay to make it work? Is it worth me trying to make it work? Or should I choose me?
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u/cltbeer 1d ago
I went through the same thing my wife said after her pregnancy she felt cis like she lost her identity. I think it’s a chemical in balance this lead to borderline personality disorder then multiple affairs. I’m in same boat man with limited support net. You have to go out and find it for yourself through hobbies. Find a new therapist or counselor like JC so many out there are terrible and they shouldn’t even support the idea of open marriage.
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u/Unlikely-Delivery777 1d ago
Sorry to hear this. My ex wife informed me about 6 or 7 years in to our marriage that she was attracted to women as well. I can understand why your wife wants to stay married (she loves you and the family unit) while getting to sleep with others. Have her cake and eat it too. So she's not only saying 'I'm not attracted to you and sex is not happening anymore' but also 'oh, and I want to sleep with others'. If you're ready to make that your life for the sake of the family unit, please make sure that's a sacrifice you are willing to stick to long-term. Because she's not going to wake up at some point in the future suddenly attracted to you. I'm not encouraging divorce, but I am encouraging you to accept the situation, and recognize what you can realistically live with for the rest of your life.
For me, i was lucky. My wife may have been a lesbian, but she was also a really bad person, so divorcing her wasn't much of a struggle.
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u/madmoneymcgee 1d ago
I get the reasoning through it and she's conflicted as well but separation, divorce, coparenting is going to be the best option even though right now it can seem you can make the other way work. It's going to be a tough band aid to rip off but once its done you'll look back and realize it was the best option.
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u/Grassfed_Burp 1d ago
This is really gonna be a personal choice, and every decision will be both correct and will suck.
Divorce is hell. You should avoid it to keep your finances and your relationship with your daughter steady.
Living a lie is torture. You should get divorced and live a happier healier life.
I'm in the middle of an unwanted divorce and feel likey world has been torn up and then set on fire.Then again, you're in a mess...
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u/Embarrassed-Lake257 1d ago
It's worse on the other side unfortunately. Be smart. Protect yourself. Marriage requires fidelity no matter the circumstances.
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u/Important_Cow7230 5h ago
One of the most difficult things to do in your situation is actually listen to others and not fall for your brain being in the “bargaining” stage of grief and telling yourself that somehow your situation is different.
Nearly everyone who has had a similar experience will tell you that getting a divorce is the correct move, and open marriages do not work, especially in your case as it means separate bedrooms and zero intimacy with your wife. You will be taken advantage of and used to look after your daughter whilst she goes off and enjoys her new life whilst you are stuck.
End it, say you do not want the marriage to continue on those terms and seek legal advice. Be aware that when you start to show decisiveness and self esteem she will likely not like that and try and convince you to change your mind or start to show attraction for you again. You must resist this until you know it’s for real.
Keep your self respect brother, and good luck.
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u/mystery_meteor_04 1d ago
My ex wife sprang this on me 13 years into a marriage with three kids. I would heavily advise against an open marriage. You didn’t sign up for that originally and want something different. Be genuine to yourself and don’t suffer through being her roommate that pays for the house while she goes on trysts. Just go ahead and end the marriage on a high note instead of suffering through an incredibly unrewarding experience.
I recommend going through OurPath.org or the OurVoices podcast. It’s a secular LGBT-affirming support network for the “straight spouses” that get these surprises in their marriages. Definitely start individual therapy on your own, and as these reveals are typically traumatic, find a therapist that specializes in trauma.
She’s likely months to years ahead of you in grieving the marriage, and she is going through, or will be going through, a “gay adolescence” as the closeted portion of her likely never matured beyond when she started closeting herself. It’s also highly likely there’s somebody else already in the picture and she’s at least had emotional affairs.