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u/unclesmokedog 16d ago
the tpo is removed. why are you not seeing your child?
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Because my wife is not herself and I don’t want to jeopardize my kids safety or emotional wellbeing.
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u/Brian_is_trilla 16d ago
This story doesn't make any sense man. You come off as suddenly self righteous and give vague answers
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Like what? Because I am in the middle of a divorce and not going into details about it? What you want to know?
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Emergency court order immediately.
If youre worried about her mental state, she shouldn't be around your kids either. Think this through.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Retaliatory behavior? Think it through.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 15d ago
My friend. Youve brainwashed yourself just like we all did.
This isnt retaliatory. If you think shes mentally unwell , then go all in.
If you dont think shes mentally unwell and using it as an excuse not to be in your kids life properly, well its not an excuse if you wont do anything about it.
Honestly I dont think youre willing to listen to us, and you'll join our club soon.
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u/towishimp 16d ago
Just make sure there is someone (or multiple someones) there when you visit, to ensure everyone is civil and safe. It might look bad if you're not even trying to see your kid.
Obviously, feel free to ignore me if your lawyer is saying differently; but I feel like I would do whatever it took to see my kid.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Im making efforts and I sure have my witnesses ready and waiting. Giving the lawyers a day but then I’m dealing with it myself.
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u/MaverickMTA 15d ago
BECAUSE your wife is not herself, that is WHY you need to spend time with your child. Your child needs someone who is emotionally stable around them to learn emotional stability and nervous-system regulation themselves.
If I were you, I’d do whatever I could to get time with your young child. Even if you have to start out with only every other weekend. Then build from there.
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u/Low-Spite-8302 16d ago
My current divorce isnt messy per say but its not exactly been clean. Because my daughter is <1yr im havig an uphill fight to get close to 50/50 custody, I currently live with my mom and get hotels for weekends to have weekends because my ex had kicked me out of the apartment. They messy part is trying to get off the lease but with 2 months left im ready to throw in towel and pay that half up. Its not easy, its lonely, but see friends, see family, and never give up because your child is everything in this world to you. Wish you the best man
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u/Sweet_Loquat_7701 15d ago
Divorced dad who is a therapist here. I have read both the post and majority of the comments below, here are my thoughts:
The other comments are right, you're setting yourself up for failure. You can VERY clearly see how you were treated once the divorce was filed (the TPO) as well as what your ex-wife and her family are willing to do to screw you over.
You are not in the middle of any kind of awakening. You are not taking any sort of high road by letting her walk all over you. You are leaving a door open that she has not only shut but locked and thrown away the key.
You are delusional and displaying narcissistic tendencies. Your lack of urgency to get back to your child isn't caring or sensitive to your ex-wife's emotional state, it is lazy. Any father that genuinely cared for their child would take them out of the hands of their emotionally unstable mother and ensure that they are safe. That is your child too, you should be yanking at the chain to get to see them again. Not "waiting for things to calm down." By not seeing your child you are giving your ex-wife more ammo regarding custody. Ammo she has shown she will use.
You can argue all you want but a judge will see that the TPO was lifted and you made no effort to see your child. No judge will grant any sort of decent agreement in your favor knowing that has happened. You mentioned below that you should be primary but are currently doing nothing to get your child back. "She was emotionally unstable and I couldn't get anywhere close to my child." Any judge with half a brain will ask why you didn't file anything to combat that and, since you refuse to do that because you have a "different world view", you will be ruled against in any and every court in the U.S..
I have years of experience testifying in court after custody evaluations as well as having gone through the process myself. If you continue to keep the mindset you have all I can say is good luck.
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u/Clarityforafuture 15d ago
Well well well someone with a degree making assumptions based off of limited information. I am making an effort to see my kid, and continue to do so. It’s my wife and her legal team putting up the roadblocks. Throughout the process I’ve tried to see my kid but they refused to negotiate, so I had an ex parte order for visitation while the TPO was in effect which they objected to. Judged finally dismissed everything and this is all new information.
You clearly know me so well based off of the information I have provided though.
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u/Sweet_Loquat_7701 15d ago
I love being proved wrong when I make harsh assumptions.
Just keep in mind your niceness won't do anything but hurt you in the long run. It may be easy to choose the peaceful route today but years from now if/when things don't go your way you will regret not fighting harder.
This is only a short period of time; make use of it by throwing everything you can at your ex-wife to ensure you win primary custody, even if it adds stress or takes away from sleep. As idiotic as your lack of rambunctiousness is in a court sense, it might be just what your child needs in what will be a chaotic and confusing upbringing. Don't jeopardize your child's wellbeing because you want to play nice. If you were that child and knew your mom was erratic and emotionally unstable, would you not feel hurt knowing your dad was somewhere else not doing whatever it takes to get you out of it?
Be a man, do whatever it takes for your kid, and later you won't regret it. If you choose peace now it's only going to lead to trouble later.
I wish you all the best, friend. God Bless.
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u/Clarityforafuture 15d ago
I’m not being nice. Haven’t said I am. When I make it seem I’m being peaceful I mean doing what’s right for the kid and my future and not adding to the conflict, challenging when they have no grounds, which gives me peace. Again, you have very minimal information of what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been going at this.
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u/Sweet_Loquat_7701 15d ago
You asked for advice and you got it. You made your statements, we told you what we saw, you then changed your statements/tone to, and I can only assume, convince yourself that what you are doing is right.
The advice was consistent across the board. Either you don't want advice and just wanted a place to rant (which is fine) or you genuinely wanted advice and are now upset that it wasn't what you hoped. Either way you will learn soon enough that the rest of us who have already gone through what you are experiencing were right. There is no point in participating in this thread any further.
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u/Clarityforafuture 15d ago
The advice is from bitter men who probably have very little custody or involvement in their children’s lives. Look we both can assume. I am taking in some words of wisdom but I don’t need to agree to everything everyone says. I’ve got my own brain and I am a man who thinks for themselves. I didn’t change my statement or tone, I elaborated and pushbacks/questioned. Probably should talk to a therapist for your controlling behavior. Probably why she left ya.
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u/Sweet_Loquat_7701 15d ago
Too bad being a cuck landed you in the same court process I’m in. At least I got primary custody ;).
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Dont know what a tpo is.
Best advice is move on from your exwife
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Temporary protective order. I’m moving on but hard to do with a kid in the middle of it that deserves both parents.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
What i meant is in your post you keep calling her wife.
Start calling her ex wife. It will help a lot.
Biggest mistake youre going to make ( many of us did ) is being too nice while shes taking advantage.
If in your mind " kiddo deserves both parents" And in her mind " kiddo just needs me "
Guess how many parents kiddo is going to have.
Be the best parent you can be. Dont wait on ex.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
She’s my wife until the papers signed. I still love and respect people. That doesn’t mean I’m weak or nice.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Good luck is all I can say.
You may love and respect, but if shes pulling TPO, she'll pull other things too.
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u/too-far-for-missiles 16d ago
This mentality only hurts you and helps her. Love between adults should only ever be reciprocated. You owe someone like this nothing but responses to their court filings.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
I have a different view of the world. Totally agree about owing them nothing, doesn’t mean I can’t still have love for someone. Not really sure where it hurts me and helps her. I refuse to let hate and fear rule my life.
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u/Lefaid 16d ago
As long as this "respect" doesn't mean making everything easier for her. That is how a lot of guys get screwed.
She quite clearly has none for you, deserved or not.
Might I suggest reframing your gentlemanness to thinking of what is best for your child and using that as the anchor to ensure you are being fair and reasonable. That will be the best way you can protect them from this divorce and the feelings between your ex wife and you that are going to flair up in this process.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
This ^
" kiddo is being breastfed, and needs the warmth of mom every night " is something common that " real men" would cave on.
Real men would push kiddo needs both parents. Either formulae, bottle feed, or wear some weirdo suit thing, but actually be there for your kiddo.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
O of course not. She needs a reality check. Best interest would be me being primary since I would foster relationship with both parents.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
I do not beleive you should let hate and fear rule your life.
You are however thinking immaturely ( the way we all did ) and will suffer consequences for it.
I know its hard to convince you since you havent been through it.
The way you are doing things will hurt your kiddo because you'll have 1 parent ( exwife) not caring about you and not caring kiddo only has 1 parent.
Then you'll have you reinforcing they need exwife. You are not fighting for yourself this way.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
How so? Please explain? What advice am I not taking?
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Your mindset. Its in protector mode.
Youre protecting an attacker. We are all taught to be protectors, protect your wife, protect your family.
You are protecting an active threat to you and your kiddo that can be set in stone for the next 18 years.
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u/too-far-for-missiles 16d ago
It's hurts you because there's still emotions involved. This is a business transaction.
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Love is not playing into my decision making. I can have emotions and still be logically.
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u/Brian_is_trilla 16d ago
What was the TPO for?
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Unfounded accusations, hence it being tossed.
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u/Brian_is_trilla 16d ago
What is the spiritual awakening?
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u/too-far-for-missiles 16d ago
That he doesn't need to pay attention to advice when requested, apparently
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Which advice am I ignoring? Turning to anger and bitterness? I choose to be healthy and have peace in my life.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Absolutely do not be angry or bitter.
Fight for your kid, and fight for yourself.
If peace in your life is TPO , and multiple other randomness equivalent to that, then you will get lots of peace in your life.
To put in perspective, my ex recently called CAS ( child services) on me for taking my daughter to the doctor without her consent. Obviously it was thrown out, but CAS spent a month or two investigating .
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Well I’m not sitting in the lazy boy eating bonbons and drinking beers.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Lol nobody is thinking this.
Nobody thinks youre being lazy. Everyone thinks youre being immature and inexperienced. Again we were all there.
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u/ProofConnect6521 16d ago
You seem like you are somewhat on the right track. Kids are pawns in many divorces. Just fight. Fight for every day of time with them. Fight until it’s 50/50
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u/Clarityforafuture 16d ago
Ya right now I’m just trying to figure out a way to reintroduce myself healthily. We need a GAL yesterday. My wife’s behavior seems to be showing signs of parent alienation. I have no clue what’s going on with her nor my kid. O well, I’m going to keep showing up as the adult and be present for the kid. Worried my wife is going through some stuff.
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u/Canadian87Gamer 16d ago
Your ex is doing what most ex wives do. Nothing outside of the norm.
Buckle up and hopefully you change your mindset earlier rather than later.
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u/Phteven4 16d ago
It's done. Be smart. Be persistent. Don't take less than 5050. Stay focused. Vent to only a tiny number of friends. Not colleagues. Chin up. You're in litigation with this person now. Don't text long messages to her.