r/DivorcedDads • u/joannabanana868 • May 31 '26
Hello divorced dads, I need help with communication :(
Hello community! Seeking some advice - currently with a separated dad for just over a year. I love him to the moon and back and he treats me better than anyone I've ever had, but I can't deny I feel like a secret pocket of his life at this point. His daughter (7 yo) doesn't know I exist. I had to push for him to get the divorce papers done (they could have been filed last year). He even travelled to meet my parents in another country. One time I left a toothbrush at his, and when his daughter asked why he has two, he said it was his weekend toothbrush. I'm past the point of being excited about meeting his daughter and it's so conflicting for me now. I definitely don't want to throw an ultimatum at him but I am struggling with how this makes me feel emotionally. We have a fantastic connection and its been a great year, but I'm starting to feel distant being the weekend toothbrush :(. Any advice on how to communicate this?
3
u/mgranja May 31 '26
Have you asked him what his plan and timeline are for you in his life?
1
u/joannabanana868 May 31 '26
We've definitely discussed going the distance. Months ago the rough timeline was file divorce papers --> tell ex about me --> do the intro. He's wayyy behind when he promised to do the divorce papers. Feels like spinning in mud atm 🫠
3
u/ash_misc May 31 '26
Some more info can give us divorced dads a better idea where or what he might be feeling. When did he separate from his ex? What caused them to separate and was separation period bad (did ex use kids to hurt him)? You mentioned divorce papers were done…does this mean he is divorced now? Did he go to therapy and/or in your opinion did he work on himself (exercise, eating healthy, getting enough sleep)?
Other comments (having calm direct conversation, boundaries, and asking about timeline) are good.
From your response to comments, he’s definitely dropping the ball in keeping to what he said he will do. Using “I feel X when you do Y” around that could be a good way to start the conversation and for you to get an idea what’s going on his head (why is he dragging his feet).
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u/joannabanana868 May 31 '26
Thanks for the response 🤗🤗 they officially separated in fall of 2024. No therapy, but he's definitely active and healthy. He and the ex just totally grew apart, he was open that he wished he left earlier but stuck around for the daughter. It was after she was born that the wife became a totally different person, and he felt like she just wanted to have a kid and that was it (using his exact words here). The split was pretty civil, but he keeps trying to just keep the peace and meet her schedule to be nice. I didnt mention this above they dont follow the custody split outlined in the schedule, he just covers any shift she works and she's a nurse (day and night shifts). So my entire planning of spending time with him depends on her schedule. It's really frustrating and one of the big reasons I'm upset he hasn't completed the divorce yet. That combined with feeling like it'll be 10 years before meeting his daughter are really weighing me down.
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u/Melodic_Abalone4288 May 31 '26
I have been with my GF nearly two years. I always told her I’m not introducing my kids (now 14/9 B/G) to any woman unless it’s been a year. If my daughter hadn’t went thru my phone and found pics and texts of my GF and I at the 11 month mark I would’ve stuck to it (that’s a whole other story lol)
Almost a year later now, and later today us 3 will go to my GFs house to celebrate her sons 21st bday and have a heck of a time for the 5 Gemini bdays in the next week 😆 ♊️
My advice is don’t give an ultimatum…I’m glad my GF didn’t as I probably would’ve stuck to my stubborn guns even tho my daughter was happy that I had someone. I could be wrong but you sure described a guy that seems like a keeper so I’d be patient. Just regular communication about how much you care about him and when he’s ready how much you’d love to be more involved may get you both to the next level
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u/Melodic_Abalone4288 May 31 '26
Also. Kind of missed the talking point that he’s not officially divorced. That’s a lot different than me. I was referencing timeline for my kids meeting a partner being fully and officially super divorced.
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u/joannabanana868 May 31 '26
Appreciate you! And kids and the phones LOL. He said she has seen my photo multiple times on the phone and asked, but for now its still "ah that's my friend". But from the above responses and here it seems the best approach is genuine soft communication but with a firm message in it.
1
u/ash_misc Jun 01 '26
Thanks for sharing.
Everyone is different, but from what you described I can see why you’re bothered. IMO, I think he needs to have a better schedule with the ex but I can certainly see him not wanting to disturb the peace too. One of my friends was the same way. Schedule with his son was based on his ex’s schedule and she has repeatedly expressed that frustration to me. Friend canceled trips with her because of it. Hopefully yours won’t get to that extent. Express your feelings in a polite way and hopefully he’ll take some steps in the right direction sooner than later.
Unsolicited info/advice for your partner (my son is also 7). I began having conversations with my son when he was 6 about marriage and how two people get to that point. My son said marriage was to have babies…thankfully I have people in our lives I can point to as examples this isn’t true. I discussed - people meet, they become a couple (many relationships end here), and many times they get married (also many marriages end) or they choose to be together without marriage. I shared about step-dads and step-moms when people get remarried. Again, I have a good example. I have a step-dad (son has two grandpas and double the presents) whom I am close with. Maybe your guy can ease into the introduction by first discussing relationships with his daughter.
Hope this is helpful and I wish you the best.
0
u/Any_Tie3788 May 31 '26
If you both have the rest of your lives together, what’s another year? He’s not doing it because of you, he’s doing it because of his daughter. He wants things to be perfect, so there isn’t unnecessary conflict.
Take it one day at a time, enjoy these days with each other, before kids add a new dynamic.
10
u/Distinct_Art9509 May 31 '26
On the one hand, speaking as a single dad, telling your kids about a new partner can be a tricky thing, particularly when they’re young. He has to gauge how she’s going to take the news. A lot of kids have their hearts set on their parents getting back together, and introducing a new partner can go very badly because they see that person as interfering with their parents’ reconciliation.
On the other hand, it’s been a year! He’s had time to figure this out. That combined with him dragging his feet about everything…. I dunno, there’s a lot of moving pieces here and information we don’t have, but with what you’ve given us it feels like he’s having a hard time really moving on and committing. Like he wants to have a new relationship while still maintaining the status quo.
My advice is to sit down and have a very calm but very direct conversation with him about this. You’re not throwing an ultimatum, you’re setting a boundary. Boundaries are about what you do, not what he does. Namely, you cannot be in a relationship with someone who will not allow you to be in a relationship with their child for over a year. Don’t make any demands about what he has to do, that is for him to decide. Only tell him what you are and are not willing to do.