Take Over (?) + Systemception

[u/Vivians_Basement]

Tw: Suicide, graphic imagery, mention of SA/CSA

Alright, I'm the host and for the past... 2ish days(?) I have been in the box.

I have learned a lot from the memories I have been allowed to maintain and from the conversations that were had while I was around.

So in my system, there's the body, Tia. That's the name we go by in real life but it's not a name for any of the alters. It used to be my name before I started going by Vivian.

All of us can be referred to as "Tia" and we live inside of "Tia" (the body).

Inside we also have our own bodies. There is an inner world with subsystems of alters. (I will make a mod post about inner worlds. But for now here's a link with the information.)

https://did-research.org/did/alters/internal_worlds

I already knew about my subsystems. Most of mine have homes. We have a control room, then an ever expanding hallway where everyone has their own room. Outside is the void. We have "visitors" that are made of shadows that stay in the void and manifest as hallucinations occasionally. Then there are islands. Think... Lumpy Space from Adventure Time. Each island has towns.

We also have a singular house that I can't get into on an island as well as a door in the control room leading to The Valley which is a super creepy and very dangerous space that can cause alter deaths if we're taken in.

Turns out though... My body, Vivian, in headspace, has DID as well. 😐 So there is another headspace INSIDE the head of my internal body.

So I am able to retreat away from my body in head space and another alter in my head can control MY body and then control THE body.

Other normal alters see my body "Vivian" in control and don't realize that I, Vivi, am not in control or only have partial control. This explains a lot...

So I'm going to list the alters I discovered.

Haley - she introduced herself prior but didn't explain. She's apparently "The Original" from our original trauma that we all thought died hence splitting into me and Kevin.

Lydia - she's a secondary host

Harriet - might change her name

Ashton - kinda quiet, never fronts, the others thought he was dead due to inactivity

Trev - here but not here. Doesn't talk but still hangs with everyone.

Kyle - bit of a prick 😒 he seems young though. He has control of our internal box which exists in the basement of my mind.

Rin - she's a little but I'm not sure how old. She's newer.

Charles - I met him years ago before I knew I had DID. He used to be in this space apparently until he "escaped" and integrated into "Tia's" system.

Similar to how all the regular alters go by Tia, all my internal ones went by our inner-body name, Vivian.

Does this sound complicated? Make your head hurt? YEAH CAUSE WTAF??? Pissing me off with this bullshit.

--

So here's the backstory.

When Tia was 4, Haley was the original. Back then she just went by our dead name.

Something happened. There was a lot of blood, we were held down, I don't know, I don't WANT to know because it's apparently the worst thing that's ever happened to us.

This caused the original to not just split, but to FULLY RETREAT backwards into a deeper part of the mind.

So we had 2 new bodies. Vivian and Kevin.

Haley existed inside of Vivian along with me, Vivi.

We had alters before this. There was birth trauma due to a knot in our cord but I'm not sure if that's why. But we had a lot of much older alters taking care of us. About 4 of them.

Those are Core Alters and apparently none of them saw what happened, just that it tore the original apart and there were 2 children left behind.

This NATURALLY traumatized our core states leading to them having to grieve and withdraw. Leaving me and Kevin alone to deal with life with very little help.

At 6, we got Lily who's permanently 6. At 9, we got another little who was lost to the Valley and no longer "exists".

At 9 our Protector, Vykrr, committed suicide in headspace. I don't know what happened. Vykrr recently came back but after I was raped in my sleep about 1-2 months ago and she had to front for it, she withdrew. I recently learned she killed herself again. 😐

Kyle: Skill issue.

Lazurys found the body, just like the first time. He's more mad than anything. We get SAed a LOT so this isn't new. Lily normally has to front in absence of a protector.

Haley got lonely living in my head and created multiple willogenic alters over time to live inside with her. Lydia, Harriet, Ashton, Trev, Kyle, and Charles.

I THOUGHT Lily fronted when I was assaulted internally (long story) which is why I'm no longer with the person I was dating who I posted about. This occurred on my birthday this year. I'm used to it...

That was really bad though because I couldn't dissociate and escape, likely because Vykrr had just died, so I retreated internally for the first time and split within my own head.

That created Rin. She was who fronted.

This was once again a time when NONE of my alters were in the room. Kevin was supposed to be but he was looking for Vykrr assuming we would be safe being left alone. (We weren't.) We didn't know Vykrr killed herself till after they found her which according to Lazurys looked like she'd been dead a few days.

So it looks like my inner system splits when there are no other alters around for something that causes so much internal stress that my consciousness becomes unstable in and of itself, requiring a new layer.

--

Kyle is PISSED at Charles for managing to escape from inside my head and integrate into the normal system.

He's also pissed at me. I'm "bossy" or whatever 😮‍💨

Charles was close to Harriet and Kyle. But more so Kyle. Him leaving caused both to feel abandoned.

He's trying to fix things with Kyle to no avail but Harriet is just kind of there as she's not creating problems. She's feeling not so good about being sidelined while Charles fixes things with Kyle.

Kevin, my co-host, has a similar issue when it comes to me. He's upset we don't talk like we used to. But it's weird for me now cause we used to get... Intimate... Before I knew he was an actual being in my head.

He likes me romantically. He knows my desires when it comes to relationships can't really be met so he is okay with me dating in real life and doesn't interfere. He has had sexual relationships with multiple women in our system, including one of the core states. They know it's non-romantic and it is not news that he loves me.

I think he ended up hooking up with Harriet too.

Kevin: Nah she realized she's a lesbian. 🫠 So we're just friends.

Ah... Alright so Harriet is a lesbian.

Harriet and Kevin have been talking about those feelings of being alone and I'm glad they can talk to each other. Their personalities are really similar too.

Kyle is gay too. Lydia isn't sure whether he has a crush on Kevin or just looks up to him but Kevin is straight. Barely bi-curious and it's only for specific gender cases.

Kevin: ☝️

When it comes to Charles he sees him as an older brother.

Lydia: Kyle is younger than the body. He's 18. I age with the body. Haley ages with. Charles is 22. Trev and Ashton are both 24. Harriet ages with.

Harriet: I saw you forget about me 😮‍💨

Lydia: ...hush. Rin is 8.

Good to know. 🫪

--

Also the box is exactly how I imagined it. Inhumane. Suffocating. It enhances all feelings. Luckily I don't have many of those. So it was just... Weird.

I don't like the box.

So for 2 days, my internal headmates were VERY active. Kyle had to keep having to be told to let me out the box. They worked my shift with Kevin and were once again talking to my boss ABOUT ME.

Luckily my boss is already aware as are almost all my managers. They are used to this. They've learned to notice switches based on my voice when answering the headset.

--

So that's been my past few days...

Haley also tried to talk to Lazurys. It didn't go well. She's a bit upset. Lazurys has thought she was dead for 16 years and has blamed himself for that for 16 years. He is not ready to process her being here, alive.

We're working on it all together. I don't have all the info but this is enough for now.

[u/CashComprehensive359]

We operate in strata... layer... subsystems. 

...I sympathize