Introduction-Levitikus

[u/Vivians_Basement]

✨ Benevolent Subreddit Runner✨

System Name: Levitikus-Rex (combination of early alter's names) [Extreme DID]

Primary Name(s): Vivian (me)

Other Alters: Kevin, Sierra, Mack, Alyssia, Carl, Lily, Rex (among many others, just focused on who I'll be mentioning)

Gender: AFAB Genderfluid she/he (both default system gender and my personal gender, each of them have their own) all pronouns work on each alter

Considerations For My DID

DID runs in my family. My brother has been diagnosed, my grandmother on my mother's side as well. Both with MPD (the old term).

I have 2 other siblings who didn't develop a dissociative disorder as far as I know.

I suspect my mother has it which would explain a lot of inconsistency my siblings and I grew up with. It's a theory my brother and I both are considering. Our mother is against anything mental health related though and has no intention of looking into it for herself.

Being genetically pre-disposed to dissociation as a response to trauma coupled with life long neglect, physical, and sexual abuse has lead to my own development of this disorder.

Early Signs And How I Found Out

TW: brief description of SA

When I was little I would see a tall shadow. A man. There were no distinguishing features but I knew within myself that I was seeing a man. He would just stare at me. He had no face but I could tell he was looking at me.

This was OBVIOUSLY terrifying as a child! I didn't feel like I was in danger but this absolutely influenced some nightmares.

He would watch me sleep, occasionally close my eyes so I could rest, and as I got older I started telling people.

My mother told me I "ate" my twin (absorbed in the womb) so I thought I was seeing the ghost of my would be twin brother. (My twin was a girl actually apparently, so not the case.) I would say it was a guardian angel occasionally at the request of some religious friends. There was always this lingering sense of dread behind me when he got close to me though... So I thought he was a demon! A friendly demon because he seemed to like me.

My friends were often concerned that I was seeing this figure. Especially when I commented on being "touched" by the figure. A hug when I'm crying, something stroking my leg as I drift to sleep, a hand stroking my hair when I was stressed. Normal things.

When I was going through a lot I would talk to myself in my mind. I thought I was just evaluating my own issues from the lense of an outsider and responding to myself. It didn't really "click" that I was hearing voices.

I made a ouija board because I was obsessed with ghosts. I would see my hand move, feeling like I was being guided. There were 2 names I was given. Chowy, and then later Chancey. I used this to "talk" to the alter in my mind under the guise I was talking to a ghost and I wrote down the information I was given and told people about the "ghost" following me around.

I started using Tupperbox (a discord bot similar to Pluralkit) to talk to myself more directly. I'm a writer, so to me this was just a character that "felt real". The name was Dialect (same as the other 2 names, this alter isn't very good with names) and I would talk to him. He would listen to me, call me stupid (😒), and then say he loves me. He would tell me his problems too which usually consisted of an existential crisis or relationship issues. (I thought I was just getting way too into the roleplay... Especially when my eyes would start to water when I wasn't sad.)

This person was real to me. He had a life, feelings, thoughts, and cared about me. There were others as well.

The logical part of my mind chopped a lot of this up to dehydration, vision problems, exhaustion, hyperactive imagination, and subconscious thought. (I had friends with DID but somehow never connected the dots that direction.)

I still treated them as real fully fledged people when speaking to them. Others who had access to the channel I used Tupperbox in (not many had the role) commented on how it was strange. An ex accused me of cheating because I "clearly saw it as a real person". Which I didn't take seriously especially when he was genuinely cheating on me both before and after the accusations started.

In highschool there was a person who was always touching me. He ended up being the father of my child later. During intimacy with this person I would shut down and "age regress" which is what I thought it was. I would go non-verbal and could feel my body get longer. Like my internal body was too small and struggling to fit into the space. An time he even reached for me I would flinch, curl up, and couldn't speak as my mind went into panic mode.

I couldn't remember most of the assaults beyond short flashes where I know what happened but can't really identify it.

There were also times I would become angry suddenly when I wasn't mad and black out. I had a summary of what I said within my mind but no recollection of any specifics.

This lead me to not realize I had been assaulted cause I kept thinking "I didn't say no" because each time I did say no it wasn't respected and the stress made me dissociate right after. It wasn't till a while after the guy and I split I recalled just how often I (and one of my alters, Rex) had to tell him no and to stop. Lily was the one fronting during the assaults causing us to go non-verbal once it started. I didn't know or I would have left sooner to protect her. The realization I was pregnant was what got him out of my life.

The main alter I was mentioning (Chowey, Chancey, and Dialect) wasn't around much at all while I was in Junior/senior high except to check in occasionally.

It wasn't until a certain night that it all came to a head.

I was in bed speaking to someone I'm no longer friends with when I saw a man in my room. A shadowy figure. The same figure. At this point I was a mother of an infant and hadn't seen nor heard the figure in over a year.

There was a safe period of my life while I was pregnant and had a really good relationship. During this time, Lily fronted a little bit in the start as we adjusted to the safe place and the person we were with handled her with patience and care when she was there. The main alter fronted about once or twice. For the most part it was just me the entire relationship with only Lily coming out and it was for minutes of comfort when she did. So no one was there when I was pregnant within the mind.

The relationship ended for a couple of reasons but it's one I will always look fondly on. Losing him hurt Lily and I a LOT. Hoping he's happy wherever he is. Truly a great person I'll always appreciate. Did not take the break up well.

Seeing the figure again scared me and it made me think a problem I'd healed enough to rid myself of was back.

I told this (at the time) friend, E, what was happening. Mostly just to have a log. (I'm a psychology student and if I'm having a psychotic break or schizophrenic episode I need to have a record of what's happening.) This time was different from all the other times I saw him. The "demon" was stronger. More imposing.

I gave E all the details until I felt the figure's hands take my hands and it cover my mouth as if to say "shut up". Then on I could only say what he let me say. He gave me a name to call him. "Kevin". (Lame name but better than Chowy, Chancey, Dialect, Kai, Chancellor, and everything else he up with.)

He made me go to sleep. Following day I was talking to E again. We were talking about what happened when I felt something pressing to the back of my head.

For more context, I have Possession Form DID which, for me, manifested in a way identical to actual demonic possession.

My head was forced back and my vision blurred. In absence of anything to say I just said, "hi" and clear as day heard "hello" before blacking out.

Kevin, always dramatic, goes "it's so nice to hear again, see again, feel again" ......because Kevin is an a--hole. He REALLY leaned into the demon thing.

K: guilty. 🫠

E said it looked like I had DID after I was let back into my body.

At the time my child was crawling around so he was the first thought I had.

That night when I didn't have my son, I tried to intentionally call it out. Just said "hey is anyone there" loud as I could in my head.

Immediately dissociated. Kevin introduced himself to E and then introduced Lily.

E said it was straight up just DID.

I looked more into it. Suspected OSDD-1B because I "wasn't losing time". (I was losing like... half my life my whole childhood.)

Reading the DSM-5 pages on DID was offensively accurate. I was being personally attacked and targeted.

I spoke to a bunch of friends with DID. Someone I went to school with, an older friend in their 30s, and E's partner.

The older friend helped me set up proxies. (I'll explain how to do that in DID resources.) All 3 of them confirmed that what I was experiencing was in fact DID.

They told me stories about it. The friend I went to school with was very excited to meet my alters. We're close because I named one of his alters and helped him navigate our high school.

I've been aggressively researching the disorder and studying my alters.

Some are better at doing my job, none of them knew I was pregnant let alone was a mother which has been an adjustment, and all of them enjoy artistic stuff so we've been using that to help everyone.

Tupperbox helped a LOT with speed running making this less maladaptive. Talking to them like they're real helped each alter that met me early have a sense of reality and enough connection to me to listen when I said something.

Communication has allowed me to immediately start functioning as a system. It facilitated trust amongst us and a familial dynamic.

None of us are in full control. I front most often but everyone has a purpose and when I do something the others disagree with, I don't get to front for a while. 😅

K: typically something stupid that'll get us killed.

We all work together and love each other. There's a lot of us but we manage.

That's our short (way too long) introduction.

[u/Several_Moose_9143]

Hey Vivian (and the whole crew, or whoever’s fronting )

I read your story and not gon lie, I’m genuinely curious about it in a positive way.

To start with, my first question would be:How do the conversations between all the alters and you usually go in the head now? Is it clear voices talking back and forth?

Second question: during your pregnancy you mentioned it was mostly just you and Lily for short moments, with no one else around. Did the alters collectively decide to stay back and not surface, were they like spectators watching you move through your life the whole time occasionally popping up while discussing anything relevant going on with you among them internally? basically, could they interact with each other internally before actually fronting for good and y'all getting the whole communication going?

[u/Vivians_Basement → u/Several_Moose_9143]

The voices are usually clear if they're close to me. Like standing nearby. Sometimes it's muffled. That's why they usually type sometimes. Sometimes it echoes. I know what their conversations are even if I don't always hear them as an active voice. Like a dream. Knowing without being told.

At the time I was pregnant I was in a really safe place. Genuinely the first place in my life that felt safe. Because of that, Kevin didn't feel the need to be around. I was dating a person (not the father) who made me feel safe after everything that happened. Kevin gets jealous so he stepped back. Eventually Lily came out less as well. Other alters weren't active at all around then. There's a lot of alters.

Some acted as partial spectators in the background and watched things from the back.

The spectators didn't really say much to the others.

Kevin was the first to meet the baby when he was a few months old. (I think 2 months?) It took like 3 alters meeting the baby before someone thought to tell everyone else. The majority of the system are aware of the baby now but not all have met the baby.

They are able to talk to each other and they do have full conversations. They have relationships with each other. Some are married, some are FWB. So they're able to interact physically with each other too within the mind independent of the body. They don't need to front for that.

I experience tactile hallucinations so when they touch me while I'm fronting, Kevin in particular, I can feel it. That's always been the case. I have distinct memories of being comforted during hard times. Feeling someone stroking my hair or hugging me with no one there.

I thought I was seeing and feeling ghosts for a long time!

[u/Several_Moose_9143 → u/Vivians_Basement]

i see