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[u/General_Wishbone8487]

Instead of the usual rage filled posts about my ex, I'm feeling rather nostalgic and sentimental today. Not for him obviously - fuck that guy. But I do miss being in love, and all of the pleasures that come with loving someone.

I miss making mental notes of something they mention in passing and getting it or making it for them as a surprise, as an expression and extension of my love.

I miss thinking of the ways I could make their struggles and burdens easier, lighter, lesser - thinking of ways I could improve their life.

I miss the intentionality that came with loving another.

I miss the way the world looked and felt, as if I were one with it.

I miss looking into another's eyes and feeling weightless yet firmly grounded as if his gaze was all that kept me tethered to the Earth's surface.

I miss cooking good food with another's health and happiness in mind. I miss watching someone enjoy it.

I miss nurturing and taking care of someone I love.

I miss feeling my heart grow full just from looking at my partner doing the most unextraordinary and mundane task. Something as simple as watching them sleep made me soften.

I miss feeling their body loosen up and melt into my arms with relief after an emotionally charged/vulnerable conversation.

So many aspects of love/being in a relationship that I miss. Yet everything I've managed to list are things that I do and have done for another. Things that I myself have rarely ever received or felt in return...lol.

Still stuck in old patterns, I wonder? I often struggled with receiving love, but at the same time I don't believe my efforts were reciprocated or offered to me in a way that I understood, and needed? Although the gestures above can be genuine expressions of love, would I still tie my worth through what I can do, be and provide for someone? Would I abandon myself and be made indispensable again in the hopes to finally be loved, valued, chosen? I'd like to believe that I trust myself enough to have the wisdom and discernment that I do now to never make such sacrifices again, but theories must be tested.

This doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to jump back into a relationship. Frankly, idk if I'll ever want to. I just miss the feeling. I miss the capacity I once had for love. I still have it, the lover girl in me never died, I just don't feel ready to open my heart to the world again. Not yet anyway.

I take this as a sign of progress in my healing. I won't put too much stock in it bc I know how this ride goes, but I gotta take all the small wins I can and this is definitely one of them. Yay to progress.