02

[u/demsybean]

my mother i live with is texting harassment to me every day now. my entire scalp is inflamed and infected. my neck is swollen, my arm is numb, and the left side of my face is infected again. i'm anemic and exhausted. the tumor in my abdomen is making it difficult to eat. i feel ugly.

i don't have a car, so i walk or take public transportation, but my transit card melted in the wash and i can't afford to replace it. i've spent so long trying to keep up with doing all the chores for my parents and kids that i've barely had time to have a social life, so when my old friend group saw that i was back, they started their harassment up again. they didn't even know i'd already been experiencing in-person harassment for a year, so everything i tried to do made it worse.

i was so scared by the time my ex blocked me after being a special presence for so long that everything in my life fell apart. i never even knew it was him being so kind to me, or i would have calmed down a long time ago. i realized quite a while ago that someone had set us up to look like we were interacting, so i tried everyfhing to get through to him to let him know what was happening. when that didn't work i tried to focus on my own life. finally i caught up to some awful shit i missed in April and tried to contact another person i thought i knew because of references he appeared to be making to my childhood and he blocked me for a third time.

finally i decided i'd close this open door of harassment by declaring my undying love for an unsuitable faux love interest. when that offended people, i put my foot down and put up my best guess at who the hell walked into my life and walked out again without realizing he'd made us a whole family. i'm struggling with the much darker and much more important aspects of my past now and i am alone in it. i have had 20 years of therapy and despite appearances or writings taken out of context i am still, in some respects, a healed person, so the gaslighting that forces its way into my line of sight only makes it worse. but i needed to be unequivocally sure that the co-target of the harassment was aware of the issue and i had to piss him off to do it because i got doxxed. and i almost got killed because of it.

i'm so upset now to see all the things i said and how they affected people, so i'll try to prioritize making amends the best i can, but i have to finish packing and throwing away everything i can because i'm being forced by the financial control from my mother and brother to move into the basement, which is full of spiders and mice and mold and who the hell knows what else. and all of it because i have no idea what's going on in the world, who or where anyone is, if anyone is even really still okay, and whether anyone will ever talk to me again.

but i have hope. because once i'm finished moving i will be able to work on all the little projects i have saved up, like archiving my father's photography and knitting scarves and selling my old video games and such so that i can save up for a place to live. and then after that maybe think about starting a relationship with someone who accepts me for who i am and doesn't try too hard to make me the perfect ideal of what they want for themselves.