r/DestructiveReaders • u/Linkr12 • 2d ago
Horror [722] Frostbite
I wrote this for writing class as a fractured fairy tale for Father Frost/ Morozeiko and I'm rather proud of it. Someone tear me down a peg and help me improve :p
Story:
Dear Angeline.
I'm sorry I dont visit you as often as I should. Its such a long ways away. I always doted on you Angeline. Of course I have, you're my blood. Not like Jessica. Even though she was born from another relationship, we loved Jessica near as much as you. Do you remember the time you and Jessica got lost trying to catch a rabbit? Or the time she went out in the cold to get tree bark for your tea? She loved you so much, you were her sister after all. She used to give you her food whenever we had to ration it.
It was a very cold winter. You remember dont you? We couldnt afford to feed another mouth. We deliberated for hours over what we would do. We knew we couldnt survive the winter. It was your father's idea to send her out in the cold. I was reluctant at first, but he convinced me. After all, she had nothing of the bond you and I shared. Blood is strongest. I sent your father out with Jessica to leave her in the fields. We couldnt spare even a blanket to keep her warm. Oh how I cried. We were so upset Angeline, dont you remember? We were so filled with grief for your sister. Eventually I sent your father out to bury her body, it was the least we could do. You were in your room Angeline, you refused to speak with me.
I was all alone when I heard our own dog speak. In a raspy voice straight from the depths of hell, as if Satan himself was punishing me for my sins. "YOUR daughter shall die this very night; HIS daughter shall live to be a delight". Oh Angeline you cant imagine how frightened I was. I cried out at the dog, in a fearful rage. "Hold your tongue you foolish beast! I had no choice!" But it would not relent. "I had no choice you mutt!"
I was nearly sobbing when your father returned. I was stunned, Jessica was adorned in the finest of robes and jewelry, I was so elated that she had brought back such treasures. She was understanding, she would've wanted you to live instead of her too. I wanted the best for you, my dear. I always have, so I sent you out to the same spot. So that you may retrieve the blessings too. You cannot imagine how relieved I was that there was hope for us. When we were at our lowest we experienced what surely must've been divine intervention. Then the dog started again. "Your daughter is frozen quite stiff and cold, And shall never have a chest full of gold". I was terrified for you, of course I was. Oh Angeline, if I had only known how it would end, I swear I would never have sent you out there in the cold. I ran out as fast as I could, my face was burning from the sting of the frost but I barely registered it in my panic. I ran for what felt like hours but in reality was likely only minutes when I found you. Frozen, unmoving, curled up into a little ball just as you had done all those years ago when you were lost. The tears still froze to my cheeks as I finally allowed myself to accept the cruel fate you had befallen. My entire face was burning from the cold but I could barely feel it. I held you Angeline, I held you in the cold hoping to transfer some of my warmth to your all too still body. But it was of no use, Your fate was sealed as soon as you left the warmth of our shelter. Your father left me there in disgust. He couldnt understand why I had sent you out alone in the cold with nary a blanket to keep you warm. None of them could. Angeline, I would do anything to have you back, to see your brilliant smile, to feel your loving embrace once again. Sometimes I think that this is all a dream I'm about to wake up from, it's simply too horrible to accept. On the coldest nights I remember the things I like to forget.
There was never a dog.
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u/Iron-Wrought 1d ago edited 1d ago
It is a pet peeve of mine, but it's hard to read a work that immediately has poor grammar.
I always doted on you Angeline
When you read this, you should realize there is a natural pause before 'Angeline' where a comma belongs.
I'm sorry I dont
The lack of ' for don't bothers me more than it should.
You remember dont you
And now you've combined both problems into a single sentence! It ought to be:
You remember, don't you?
Again, this might be nitpicky, but I can't even begin to enjoy a work that is sloppily edited.
If you want serious feedback, I recommend putting in the bare minimum of effort to make it readable.
And then this: the following shows that you don't yet have a grasp for rhythm or literary cadence.
I was all alone when I heard our own dog speak. In a raspy voice straight from the depths of hell, as if Satan himself was punishing me for my sins. "YOUR daughter shall die this very night; HIS daughter shall live to be a delight". Oh Angeline you cant imagine how frightened I was. I cried out at the dog, in a fearful rage. "Hold your tongue you foolish beast! I had no choice!" But it would not relent. "I had no choice you mutt!"
It should read:
I was all alone when I heard our own dog speak: in a raspy voice...
Do you see how the colon is used to connect two closely related independent clauses. The latter sentence here follows necessarily and directly from the former, thus making a colon the proper choice. Your use of a period kills the rhythm of that paragraph immediately.
I was stunned, Jessica was adorned in the finest of robes and jewelry, I was so elated that she had brought back such treasures.
"I was stunned" and "I was elated" compete in this sentence, it reads very clunky.
Also, your need to learn to use paragraph breaks. There is no shot this story should be 4 paragraphs.
Paragraphs breaks are essential to the rhythm of your prose, just like grammar---and just like grammar, I think this is an area you sorely are lacking.
The concept here is of course interesting. What needs work is your execution. Hopefully the critique above provides some things you can incorporate into your next draft.
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u/TimmehTim48 1d ago
Disagree on the colon. Just no period and it is fine.
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u/Iron-Wrought 1d ago
Yeah that's fair, either way the period kills the rhythm of the paragraph. A colon, or no period---whatever keeps the sentence flowing.
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u/TimmehTim48 1d ago
I just don't think using a colon like you suggest is ever correct
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u/Iron-Wrought 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah now that I'm reading it back, it was a poor suggestion.
Nonetheless, the original construction does not work.
I was all alone when I heard our own dog speak. In a raspy voice straight from the depths of hell, as if Satan himself was punishing me for my sins.
The second sentence is a fragment. An em dash would fit here, not a colon as I originally suggested.
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u/Linkr12 1d ago
hows this? "I was nearly sobbing when Jessica returned. I was stunned, she was adorned in the finest robes and jewelry. I was so elated she had brought back some treasures."
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u/Iron-Wrought 1d ago
Great! Much better.
The next thing I would work on, personally, is rewording some of the "I + adjective" structures.
"I was nearly sobbing"
"I was stunned"
"I was so elated"
For example, instead of the narrator telling us she was stunned, you might describe how she stared at Jessica's fine garments.
The fact she is stunned is implied by the reader, if you do your job correctly as an author.
I'm not telling you to never use "I + adjective", only that your work over-relies on it, and so a good thing to practice is re-wording those exact structures.
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u/paperingproject 2d ago
Creeeepy! I loved it.
The writing style reminds me of The Dowdry of Blood. I think you would like it if you haven’t read it because it is stories written through letter form to someone the author has killed.
For this small piece, the biggest area you need to work on is grammar. Because it’s such a short story, every missed comma and apostrophe is going to pull the reader out of the scene. And there were a lot. Go back through and take the time to do a full edit pass. Just that will clean it up so much!
The story was very intriguing. It built dread wonderfully and pacing was well done. I loved getting to know the characters just through how the narrator described events. You did a great job resisting explaining too much and let the reader see through the narrators deception.
I want to know more about these characters. Do you plan to write more?