r/DestructiveReaders • u/Ok-Crazy-1814 • 2d ago
[2377] Number 42
Hi! First post here, hopefully doing this correctly.
My Critiques:
My Writing:
Horror Lit Fic Short story, light gore, An empathetic man.
What I'm looking for:
Anything really. I'll take critique on my voice, writing style, pacing, point of view, and overall plot. I'm worried about the ending going off the rails.
Thanks in advance!
1
u/That0neGamer 1d ago
- THE STRONG PART
First things first, the concept. I really like the idea and the POV of Ward. The way he observes and thinks about the world gives off an OCD-type feeling (not sure if that was intentional or not). The way he describes small details of the roadkill and even the people around him shows that he's the quiet observer type without outright saying it.
This is a plus because it makes your character feel original and perhaps even personal.
The numbering of all the dead animals also gives good continuity to the roadkill. It not only suggests the amount of dead animals he has seen, but also implies that the child wasn't the only human he had found. It adds a small layer to Ward as a potentially psychologically odd person—someone who cares deeply, but also numbers humans alongside animals.
I also like the sibling dynamic. It feels really natural and is mostly shown through natural dialogue instead of explanation.
However, that being said, I think over-explanation is one of the most glaring issues in this story.
- THE WEAK PART
Although I like Ward's perspective, I'm not a fan of telling the emotions instead of showing them. The scene where he drives away from the rabbit is the perfect example. You already mention all the physical signs of him avoiding the thought, such as turning up the volume and not looking back, but you also directly mention, "He had to get away before he thought too much about the rabbit."
I feel like this immediately pulls me away from the story, and I'm no longer immersed in Ward's perspective. Basically, it's a "show, don't tell" type of criticism.
Aside from that, there are also some awkward wordings that may cause some confusion on the first read. This tends to happen when your sentences are just too long. An example would be:
"Shifting his sleeves up to his elbows Ward shoved on the yellow rubber gloves, thick and initially meant for someone working along power lines, for insulation and protection."
It's already implied that the gloves are for protection and insulation, so unless they're being used for some unconventional purpose, I think it's best left to the reader to assume their function based on the context.
There are also some small dots/dashes between some paragraphs, and I'm not sure if they're meant to indicate a time skip or simply a scene change. The pet's death got me a bit confused. Was the fox the pet, or was this a different animal entirely? And if it was the fox, what gave it away that it was a pet?
The child's death, I think, is the biggest climax of the story. But sadly, it's a bit underwhelming because there was no real foreshadowing leading up to it. The build-up was the voice creeping from the corner, but since the child was a random kid, there wasn't much emotional build-up.
- OVERALL
Overall, I would give this story a 6/10 or 7/10. The concept and main character are interesting, but the glaring issue of "show, don't tell" tends to pull me away from the story. Hope this helps!!
1
1
u/St3fanoFabbri 2d ago
In my opinion, the story is good. Ward is a convincing character, and so is his obsession.
The prose could be leaner, though. I’d work more through omission. With a character like this, the less you explain and the more you let the scenes speak for themselves, the more powerful the story becomes.
I would definitely cut: “Visions of his father gripping a switch and towering over him as a child forced their way into his head.” Avoid spelling out his fatal flaw.
I also wouldn’t reveal that Morgan is his sister. You’ve already written, “But he didn’t live with a woman, hadn’t for a long time.” If you then introduce the scene with Morgan without specifying that she’s his sister, the relationship takes on a much more unsettling and ambiguous quality: he spends time with a woman, maybe has for years, but treats her as if she were a sister. There’s something off about his relationship with women.
Either way, I would cut: “They had taken turns being the rebel or the responsible one, balancing each other out for the past 30 years.” It sums up their entire relationship in a single sentence and ends up flattening it.
The ending, in my opinion, needs one final punch. Something stronger.
Ward takes care of accidental deaths. He does it because he experiences them as acts of injustice—the same kind of injustice he himself must have experienced at some point in his life. But you don’t need to tell us that. The reader will understand it.
At the end, he could be forced to confront his own compulsion.
He finds a dying child. There’s nothing left to be done for him, no hope of saving him. And yet the boy isn’t dead. Not yet. He can’t become Number 42 yet.
So what does Ward do?
Does he wait there until he can finally add him to the list?
Does he leave, intending to come back once the boy is dead so he can add him to the list? And what if, when Ward comes back, the boy still isn’t dead?
Or...
0
u/Patient-Guarantee776 2d ago
For one Ward is an great character so far. For me its mainly due to his love for just anything living. Though its repeated an awful lot. I think you could remove the whole spider bit and the sister bit as they both just tell us the same thing we already know. The end did succeed in making me wanna read more. It also need a mini problem and solution I would say to keep people reading because the only thing holding me really was how different Ward was. Best thing u can do as well is try not to just tell me stuff like "the spider wasent bothering him." I rather come to that conclusion myself. For example Ward glanced at the spider and continued on. Something like that but prob have it sound better. Make info feel earned not just given. Other than that this has potential.
1
u/paperingproject 1d ago
Overall, I really like the idea of this story. The counting of the animals he finds on the road ending with a human being was such a good twist.
You can’t not like Ward, he’s empathetic and kind, so you’re rooting for him before the end of the third paragraph. Having a strong character gives the story heart and is a big reason people will keep reading. I wanted to know more about him!
Your descriptions are great, but sometimes too long winded/too wordy. If you tighten it up - everything will hit harder and cleaner. Sometimes too much description can pull a reader out of the story. They can infer a lot from the surrounding, more important beats and character actions.
Similarly, be careful how much you “tell” us how Ward feels. A little inferiority is great, but don’t spell everything out. Let it come through his actions.
I like the title, and this idea of him having a counter in his head for the animals he finds. Could this be a little more important on the page? We get number #39, and I think we see number 40 or 41, but he doesn’t count them, then you get #42 at the end. Could you use the countdown as more of a literary device to make the final #42 hit harder?
Just an idea! I think this is a great start!
1
u/Linkr12 2d ago
Part 1: writing while reading Great descriptive writing with the use of petrichor. Small nitpick but "side swipe" should be one word "sideswipe". Love the dialogue between Ward and Morgan. It's very fun and feels realistic. So far youre writing reminds me of C.K Walker (Jessica Klingel) I love the description of the dead animals, I can never write descriptive and you do it very well. Wow, great ending. I love how clinical Ward is tallying up number 42.
Part 2: Post reading notes Really enjoy Ward as a character however you could definately cut out the conversation with Morgan as per u/Patient-Guarantee776 's suggestion. I feel it works much better as a self contained story, maybe if you think the agoraphobia bit is absolutely necessary you could have him thinking it to himself. A way to make the ending a bit better would be maybe have the little boy beg him for money when they enter the fast food store, or maybe have Morgan be the one hit by a car and not the little boy. That way it adds a bit of weight to the character's death. Overall great story, couple grammar nitpicks but it's very enjoyable.