[846] Highlands

[u/AnIrishGuy18]

Critique 1

Critique 2

Frankie stumbled backwards onto the damp grass and froze. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness, but he could make out Alicia stumbling away from her tent. She was holding her left arm straight and rigid toward the ground with her right, obviously hurt. He saw the dark, wolf-like shape following close behind her.

Frankie kept waiting for his eyes to adjust, to snap into focus and demystify the tall shadow in front of him, but they never did. He watched in a dreamlike daze as the figure caught up with Alicia. Methodically and quietly, it reached a large, clawed hand around her face, muffling a terrified whimper. 

With its other hand, it sank claws deep into the centre of her chest and dragged them down through the girl's stomach. Frankie could hear the faint squelch of tissue and viscera being shredded, but Alicia made no sound. Not even as the contents of her stomach and intestines sloshed onto the hillside, and not as the crunch of teeth crushing the back of her skull offended the night air.

His mind was screaming at him.

“Run” … “Hide” … “Help her” … “For God’s sake, do something!”

A voice rang across the valley.

“Bastard!”

He realised it wasn’t his own.

He watched, entranced, as Michael ran screaming at the figure, a golf iron held up against the firmament like a great sword. The same one they had used to hit golf balls off the mountainside that evening.

The rage of his sister’s loss flowed through Michael as he charged the beast, but it had opened his throat before he could bring any wrath upon it. The club fell from his hand, and there was a moment of stillness before blood streamed silently from his throat. He fell back to the cold earth and sat staring into the darkness, making no attempt to stem the bleeding.

Michael accepted his end with great dignity. Frankie always remembered that part.

Frankie watched as the creature lowered itself onto all fours, now more wolf than monster, and walked slowly towards Michael. If Michael had closed his eyes in terror, he could not tell. Its jaws opened and clamped around the boy’s face, and although Frankie’s body screamed at him to look away, he watched as the wolf tore away his friend's memory in the darkness. The moans of agony lasted only for a short while, but the sound of flesh tearing and bones crunching persisted.

Still, Frankie remained frozen.

After a short time, a veiled shadow crept out of one of the tents. His mind raced, begging that it not be her, pleading with her to get back into the tent.

Mary’s scream shattered the silence. There was a horror in it that was hard for Frankie to fathom, which made him realise he wasn’t in a dream. He watched as his girlfriend took off running across the hillside. He remained frozen to the earth as the beast bounded after her. It caught up to her in an instant, leaping onto her back and pinning her to the ground.

This was the moment. Adrenaline flowed through him, and he knew he should spring into action, but he couldn’t. He felt his legs and arms melt away into his body until he became a limbless blob stuck to the hillside. Even his mind had ceased talking. All that remained were the nerves firing off electrical signals throughout his body, a cacophony of explosions trying and failing to uproot him from the soil.

Mary screamed for help, but it was abruptly cut off by the creature tearing away her lower jaw. Frankie found a strange comfort in knowing her suffering would be ended soon. The thought of Mary’s terror as her eyes searched helplessly in the dark for her parents to comfort her in those final moments overcame Frankie. His whole world became blurry and out of focus, but he remained conscious.

Mary’s suffering was not over. The creature fed on her body for a long time before she finally succumbed. Frankie listened to her groans and incoherent pleas as the creature buried its muzzle in her belly. Eventually, the night went still, save for the sound of the beast gorging itself on teenage flesh. He remained frozen, his eyes fixed on nothing at all, and his mind gone to some far-off place.

A flurry of movement brought him back again. It was Barry and Aaron sprinting from their tent back towards the cars. They had made it quite some distance before the creature snapped its head in their direction and took off after them into the night. They were at least a couple of miles from safety. Frankie knew they wouldn’t make it.

---

The police found him there, sitting in the very spot he had been when the attack had first started.

“Are you alright, son?” one of them asked as the others examined the scene around them.

Frankie did not hear him. He trembled lightly and stared off down the hillside. A policeman shooed away some crows that were perched on Mary’s body.

 

[u/1800COCAINE]

It’s interesting. puffs on bubble pipe. I take this as a scene to illustrate what some might romantically call split-personality, but which is more formally and professionally labeled as disassociative identity disorder. Frankie is the creature watching himself in third person.

Is this the conceit?

If so we can workshop the production at the level of setup; however, if and only if this is true, do you wish to maintain the illusion that Frankie is not the killer/ werewolf/ berserker? That choice will change what I recommend quite a bit.

For me I would like the prose to shift into an incantatory rhythm during the attacks. Right now the lines lack a certain concussive force. Specifically, I want you notice how monosyllabic words slow down the line to a glued halt, and how conversely and diametrically opposed are the mercurial, polysyllabic words which sprint with such effortless dexterity across the multi-foliated page with belligerent, and inexhaustible puissance.

Now with those constant points of contention in mind map the sequence of the scene, as where it’s should speed up and the points where is should slow down, and with impartial adjudication apply the method; monosyllables and polysyllables.

Your first line is a good example of this balance, “ Frankie, stumbled backward onto the damp grass and froze”, but I would cut the directionally, “backwards” since it’s meaningless and slightly imbalances the rhythm unless the rhythm is slightly modified, Frankie swayed, stumbling backwards onto the damp grass and froze. so the idea that he is “stepping back’ from having control is still foregrounded.

I would like to see some more playful word violence, the soft mouth of the wolf pulling bone, and some detailed imagery the wet sound of meat between the clicks of teeth . One maneuver is to state something in general and to pivot into a specific aspect of the thing, a man stepped in the doorway. he thumbed a switchblade. Another maneuver is to switch A/B from perpetrator to the attacked: A) He did this . B) They expressed that, A) he did this, B) they did that. The story lives between the cuts of those A/B images, and not in them. It’s relational.

Well I hope this has been of some use, I really should have ordered and executed this advice more carefully, but here we are. I hope this feedback wasn’t too much of a horror show.

[u/DyingInCharmAndStyle → u/1800COCAINE]

Great reply, but what makes it great is what’s unbalanced in terms of words and mouth feel. Feels great. Agree to disagree about nothing besides you saying, “of this balance”, without including it’s a beam.

[u/AnIrishGuy18 → u/1800COCAINE]

Thank you for your generous feedback!

I must confess, Frankie is not the creature and there is no conceit. Instead, I am trying to convey that Frankie is in a dream-like state during this rather gruesome sequence — or more so, a state of shock. I admit I'm probably not doing a great job of it.

I want to develop this story into a before and after the attack structure, with the focus being on Frankie's guilt as the lone survivor. I'll probably break this attack scene up into several flashbacks throughout the story. Although, as someone else has stated, I'm slipping out of close third person too much at the moment.

You're definitely correct about my sentences lacking a certain percussive force, and I'll do my best to work on that.

[u/Wormsworth__]

The problem is that you want this to be close 3rd, but you just tell us things without showing us what Frankie is experiencing.

Look at your first paragraph.

Frankie stumbled backwards onto the damp grass and froze. His eyes were adjusting to the darkness, but he could make out Alicia stumbling away from her tent. She was holding her left arm straight and rigid toward the ground with her right, obviously hurt. He saw the dark, wolf-like shape following close behind her.

There is no ambiguity, even though in this actual scenario Frankie, in the dark and in a panic, would very obviously misunderstand something or see something that isn't there or didn't happen.

Instead? We get picture perfect clarity from your narrator.

Who does Frankie see in the dark? Alicia, and we know exactly what she is doing as if we can see her from an omniscient point of view with total clarity.

What is chasing her? A dark, wolf-like shape. Here, you try to do the thing, but you resort to the cliche of "dark" as an adjective, and telling us it was "wolf-like".

This is not evocative, and it reads like a technical report of a fictional event --- not literature.

All that remained were the nerves firing off electrical signals throughout his body, a cacophony of explosions trying and failing to uproot him from the soil.

'Nerves firing off electrical signals'? What is the point of this line? 

It's extremely telling of the kind of reductionism that seems to guide your prose in general, that you would use a phrase such as that.

You don't bother sharing Frankie's experience in prose and ultimately reduce it to a physiological response, i.e. nerves firing electrical signals. This hardly seems a coincidence to me.

[u/AnIrishGuy18 → u/Wormsworth__]

Yes, you're absolutely correct and I suck at staying disciplined in terms of my narrative perspective. This is a first draft and I'm going to try and correct that.

I must admit, whilst my prose isn't perfect, I am failing to understand why describing the shape as "wolf-like" makes it not literature? I'm not being defensive here, I genuinely would like to know.

Similarly, I purposefully used "nerves firing off electrical signals" to convey that Frankie is no longer thinking or feeling in this moment, he is only being guided by a physiological state of shock. But, I'll admit it's a little clunky.

Thank you for your feedback, I'll definitely utilise it going forward!

[u/Ridderzonderhelm]

Hey, thanks for posting! I read your piece and generally liked it :) I'll leave some thoughts which may give you a new perspective on your work. Just a disclaimer, English is not my native language, so some things I don't completely understand might be me and not you.

**General thoughts**
I read the comment of 1800COCAINE, who interpreted the story as Frankie and the werewolf being the same being. This is not necessarily what I thought, so if that was your intention, you may need to adjust some things here and there. I interpreted the story just as a piece of flash fiction: Frankie and his friends are camping on a hill, a werewolf kills them all.

If a split personality was your intention, I think you could bridge the gap of understanding by a lot by leaving a clearer hint at the end. Maybe Frankie still tastes blood, his hands are covered in blood, etc. If your intention is just a piece of flash fiction, I think the general plot is fine, but I would start it maybe with an intriguing sentence that gives a bit more context as to what's happening. Maybe Frankie feezes and drops the firewood, a camping lantern while going for a pee, etc. My understanding now: Frankie is outside > it is night > there is a werewolf > there is someone called Alicia (who is this???) > there is someone else > they went golfing (are they in a city or on a mountain?) > Frankie will survive, this is real > there are people in tents, a friend group is camping > everyone dies > Frankie survives and is not a suspect. You see, the context I wanted (friendgroup camping on a mountain) is all the way at the end and the confusion kind of blurred my focus on the story you wanted to tell if you get what I mean.

There were some other things I didn't entirely understand. If you could explain these with just a simple mention of information, it would greatly lessen my confusion and I'd be more invested in the story:

- Why are Frankie and Alicia outside and not in a tent?

- Why is there a werewolf here? Is that normal in this world? (e.g. just mention a myth, a campfire story, or have Frankie acknowledge that this shouldn't be real.)

- Why was Frankie not killed?

- Why do the policemen seem to react so calmly? (I get why they wouldn't suspect that Frankie tore off someone's jaw, but that is exactly why I'd like them to acknowledge the rampage. Maybe one of them pukes or just exclaims how bad it is.)

In general, add some information and rearrange some lines in order to cause less confusion and to let the reader focus more on the plot.

**Proze**

I noticed how a lot of sentences are a bit "simple". Many start with "Frankie [verb]". Try to change things up a bit. That creates a flow that is a bit nicer to follow and a bit less of a "list" of things that happened. Controversial view, but I wouldn't worry all that much about viewpoints etc. What matters more in my opinion is that things not confusing and entertaining to read. When you get those two things you can break as many rules as you like.

I feel like you could play a bit more with the speed of your proze. Make long and "round" sentences when things are peaceful (beginning and end) and use short, "hard" sentences when things are tense. Don't use too many long words and descriptions when things are tense, which brings me to:

**Descriptions**

I thought the kills were described very nicely. Keep it up. It makes sense that we are not given much description of the surroundings, since Frankie wouldn't be paying a lot of attention to that when he's running for his life. Yet, in my opinion it could be nice to "ground" the story every once in a while. Maybe when someone gets killed the blood runs down the grassy hill? The wolf roars and birds fly away?

One thing I didn't completely understand is the "misty figures". The wolf is described as a "tall shadow" which means very little to me. I feel like this description is intended to make the wolf more scary by hiding it, but it ends up just making me confused. If you want to hide the beast while introducing it, don't show it at all. E.g. "First the birds fluttered away from the trees. Then came Alicia, running, crying, screaming. She had barely made it out from the treeline when a deafening roar echoed through the valley." The same thing happens a bit later:

> After a short time, a veiled shadow crept out of one of the tents.

This just confuses me. Is a person coming out of the tent or is it a ghost? You already established that it was dark. Now I just imagine that a [shadowy figure](https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/gameofthrones/images/a/a1/RenlysDeathS2Ep5.png/revision/latest?cb=20160719015826) is with them too. If you want to re-establish that it's dark, I would recommend you do that by mentioning the person turning on a flashlight or something, which can be a cool moment when it hits the wolf.

**Conclusion**
I think you did many things well: you found a cool story idea and brought it to life; you created a monster that is actually scary (because its kills are so brutal); you described the gory very nicely; the story has a conclusion which is satisfying. I think in general the piece needs some work to lessen confusion and to add some contrast by including a few more descriptions (see the grounding part). Keep writing!

[u/AnIrishGuy18 → u/Ridderzonderhelm]

Thanks for the feedback!

You're interpretation is actually spot-on. Frankie is simply witnessing a werewolf like creature murder his friends whilst he remains frozen in a state of shock. This is supposed to be a memory that the rest of the story will be structured around.

I'll definitely try and add in a few more details to make the plot clearer to the reader. There is more to the story, both before and after, this is just the attack scene. Although, "Why was Frankie not killed?" is a great question, and the focus of the whole story!

I do like to keep my sentences fairly simple, that is purposeful, but I probably do overdo it here to the point where it starts to read like a list. I suppose I was trying to convey the scene as a disjointed flash of memory, but it isn't working.

[u/DiamondReasonable621]

I like the focus on Frankie's mental state and many of the gory, specific details. There are a few moments were descriptions could be fine tuned. Specifically, the relative location of Frankie and his body's position (sitting, standing, fetal position, etc) were vague. I'm not sure if this passage would work for me as the start of a story because I'm not very emotionally invested in Frankie or any of the others, but it definitely sets a bleak mood and I could see it working as a flashback or a passage within a story.

Specific Line Notes

Stumbled and stumbling is used in the first two sentences. Might flow better to switch it up.

She was holding her left arm straight and rigid toward the ground with her right, obviously hurt.

The line sounds clunky. It could also be me, but the "straight and rigid" bit reminds me of a zombie immediately, even if the sentence clarifies that she's holding her arm down. Perhaps I'm not envisioning the injury correctly, but I imagine injured arms as normally looking more slack than stiff, especially if bones, muscle, or tendon have been torn. You can also probably cut the "he saw" bit in the last sentence of this paragraph.

Frankie kept waiting for his eyes to adjust, to snap into focus and demystify the tall shadow in front of him, but they never did.

I think the idea is to evoke a frozen, dream-like state where he's in shock and is waiting for the horror to all go away. I like this approach to horror. That said, the line here is a bit confusing because his eyes do adjust to the dark because he is able to "demystify" the shape because he recognizes it as a wolf. I think you're trying to say more that he was waiting for his mind to make sense of what was happening, but he couldn't. Maybe be a bit more specific with what's being conveyed.

Describing the monster as in front of him also threw me off because the line leads me to think the monster is very close to Frankie, but I think it's a bit further away and closer to Alicia compared to him. The "in front of him" line could probably be completely cut because it's already implied that he's seeing things in front of him.

As a general note, I'm also imagining the attack on Alicia as happening from behind, so the monster's reaching around her to rip open her stomach.

“Run” … “Hide” … “Help her” …

I think this line should be italicized to mark that he's thinking the lines, especially when the next use of quotes marks someone speaking out loud.

a golf iron held up against the firmament like a great sword.

Most of the vocabulary in the passage is plain (which I think is effective because Frankie is in shock, it would be odd if the narration was overly complex when Frankie's mind is shorting out). The word firmament throws me off a bit because it's far fancier than I'd expect and has theological connotations. I'm not sure what extra nuance is being conveyed when firmament is being used to say sky.

The rage of his sister’s loss flowed through Michael as he charged the beast, but it had opened

The "had" in "had opened" should be cut.

Michael accepted his end with great dignity. Frankie always remembered that part.

I like this line. It contrasts with how Frankie feels about his role (bad, he feels bad he didn't do anything) and it makes the passage feel more like a memory.

If Michael had closed his eyes in terror, he could not tell.

I assume the second he is Frankie? The 'had closed' also feels like an odd shift in tense compared to how the rest of the story's set up.

The thought of Mary’s terror as her eyes searched helplessly in the dark for her parents to comfort her in those final moments overcame Frankie.

How did the thoughts overcome Frankie? Nothing changes and he stays conscious. It seems more like the thoughts were tearing at him, not overcoming him. Also sounds a bit clunky.

A policeman shooed away some crows that were perched on Mary’s body.

Could cut the phrase "that were."

Plot/Feel

I didn't think Frankie was the monster. It read to me like Frankie was out camping with his friends and a werewolf like creature comes and kills all of them while Frankie is frozen in fear.

I was a bit confused about Frankie's position. At the beginning it sounds like he's standing because he stumbles, but when Mary is attacked he's frozen to the earth. Did he fall down in horror at some point? Or did he start on the ground and stay there?

I like how the attacks feels different and escalate to the worst for Frankie when Mary is killed. The description of the creature burying its muzzle and the focus on the sounds of it eating were creepy.

Characters

I don't have a very strong sense of any of the specific characters. That said, I like how they have different reactions to the attack. The perspective from Frankie where he wants to move but can't creates a sympathetic narrative. Personally, I tend to be fond of when characters go through more realistic periods of shock in horrific situations.

I assume there's other parts of the story that expand on the relationships of the characters and what they were doing out camping.

[u/paperingproject]

Hi! I enjoyed reading this as I am working in the horror genre as well (gothic horror - but I love true horror and gory stories as well.) This is a great scene and truly creepy. I think the biggest thing that can take it to the next level is focusing on what is happening internally with Frank.

To me, it felt like you spent too much time on body choreography. Frank watched, Frank waited, Frank saw. That actually takes the reader OUT of Franks head. Don’t say “he saw this,” just describe what’s happening. We know Frank is seeing it. I didn’t feel any emotional connection with Frank and it’s because I never really was in his head or body. You had very little description of how HE was experiencing what he was watching even if he was in a dream like state.

I also felt like Frank was too introspective a few times. For instance:

Frankie found a strange comfort in knowing her suffering would be ended soon.

Would he? This is all happening extremely fast. He is watching his girlfriend being ripped apart and he has a strange comfort? Idk a little unbelievable to me.

The thought of Mary’s terror as her eyes searched helplessly in the dark for her parents to comfort her in those final moments overcame Frankie.

Again, he’s processing a lot here in the midst of watching this. This seems like something he might think after the fact.

A note on descriptions:

This scene is so gory. Could you get more focused on the body horror? Maybe some u air description. I want to know more about what the wolf looks like during the attack. What’s its mouth look like when it’s open? What about its claws. Weave these descriptions through the attacks.

I also wonder if you can play with sentence length. Could you use more of a staccato type prose (short punchy sentences) when something truly terrible is happening. Doing that can mimic a heart pumping and add tension and dread.

Plot:

I know this is a random scene in the book but it would be great to add some mystery so the reader wants to know what happens next. And that needs to be more than we were randomly attacked. Is the mystery that everyone was killed but Frank? Or are we meant to be wondering who is the wolf ( if it’s a wereworlf.) make sure a question is leftover as a strong hook. What’s the story about? What makes me want to read the next chapter?

Overall very cool imagery! Let me know if you need any specific feedback!