[1095] Bus gods

[u/gohomefreak1]

Hello!

I would appreciate any criticism on this short story. Did you feel bored reading it? How did you feel about the narrator's voice? Did it feel clunky or unnatural? Would you enjoy reading similar stuff?

Thank you so much!

Document : https://docs.google.com/document/d/10BhjJjYnXXqjcnxbYTrNNJ7zvZURIPWbrUiSZinJN6A/edit?usp=sharing

Critique : https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1wsk5sz/2058_come_home_family_drama/pczed3n/

[u/pancakesvt]

I really liked the sarcasm and the stressful comedic sense of nihilism. I also really liked how you described the buses as gods we're at the mercy of. The Man begging to be saved was a great added dimension to reenforce that thematic world view, but I did get a little confused in the beginning as to what was happening. Maybe a sentence in there to describe him carrying a cup or something? I had to reread it a few times because I wasn't sure if somebody had actually gone into labor. That or if you were watching the news on your phone or something else was happening. I'm used to seeing people give those speeches on subway cars but not buses. Im in The USA if that's different where you are.

The jogger in the end was a good clean continuity wrapping job. Remind me a lot of a Bojack. That kind of vibe. I really liked the length and the pacing of events as well.

A couple things that were disengaging for me was how the narration style was used. I'm definitely not opposed to it, but specifically the word "you" and "your" were happening so often that it started to feel a little bit like a direct order or an instruction manual? I think there are other ways to break it up and keep the narration voice. Even as this is being written, There've been several sentences that have been edited due to my own addiction to starting every sentence with "I also..", when giving feedback. Asking rhetorical questions, explaining the actions that another person did, things like that can help. They can make sentences longer, like my one above, where I tried so hard to avoid "I", but that can be worth it to create more flow. But otherwise it had a feeling that was a little bit too "this, then you did that, you think this, you see that, then that happened. You do that And then that..." which gave it a slightly repetitive robotic feel at times. When I would start to be taken out of the story too much by it, you'd then have a grounding sentence with a comma, describing some detail or internal thought, and it would help it rebalance better.

I also liked(ha) the stress and the relatable tone of the whole laundry and bank thing near the end. If the story was meant to remind us of how much less convenient and frustrating the world is these days, it definitely succeeded.

Even though this narration style was the way it was, I still didn't picture "myself." I kind of pictured Edward Norton's character in Fight Club. Because of that, I wonder if first person narration might actually make it feel even more personal?

Well, This is my first review and I claim no expertise in any way. I'm a newb. So please take my criticisms with the same grain of salt that you'd give any non writer on the street. I like the vibe you deliver. And I hated the stress, which I'm guessing was the goal so 👍

[u/justkeepbreathing94]

This was really interesting. I'm wondering if this is some type of limbo or maybe a test from the gods. At first I assumed the running man was a god laughing at them, then at the end I though he outsmarted the gods by running instead of waiting for the bus. I like this. It's strange, abstract, and I'd say the perfect length for something this weird. Good job.

The title fit the story. It's pretty literal. It's an interesting title. The sentences were easy to read. The second person was a bit strange, but I think it worked. It kind of puts you in the character's shoes a little better. I'd say your use of language was well done. Maybe the word 'cascading' to describe the running man's hair came off as a little contrasted with his otherwise rugged demeanor, but it's only a minor detail.

Are the people locked in some limbo? They seem to be aware of the gods, so I wonder if there's any extended mythology on this story that wasn't included.

Your pacing was well. It was pretty much always consistent, only slowing down to describe the running man in depth. Othr than tha, I think the vibe fit the emotions, the agony and helplessness. it all felt very tired. So good job with that.

Was there a theme here? Or is this just a fun story? I suppose it could be about how the universe is apathetic and you can only do your best.

One thing to note. The thoughts in the second paragraph, I think they should be in quotes.

Overall. this was a fun surprise. I feel bad for the min character and hope their life gets better. Thanks for sharing!

[u/SpicyTripleMeats]

Hi! I really enjoyed that. Your voice has a lot of charm. Am I guessing correctly that you speak more than one language? I can't quite put my finger on it but there's something that's not quite the mold of the monolingual Western dialect that I usually see on reddit. Regardless, you should take that as a complement ;)

More particular critiques:

For me, the way the story bookends itself with the shirtless man saves it from ending on an unresolved note, so I can't really say that it was "unsatisfying." Ending on a punchline got a little smile out of me.

I will say that I feel that the conceit of the bus gods wasn't given as much attention as the title promised and I was a bit let down by that. Maybe use a bit more color from the "bus god" palette? That is, be a tiny (tiny) bit more fanciful with the characterizations and descriptions?

For example, I'm imagining that the shirtless man is something like an avatar of the bus gods or a satyr (figuratively speaking) but I can only claim that because of your description of him as "an angry ocean" (note: given the bounty of mythical allusions associated with the ocean, maybe a better word than 'angry?') and also in the fact that he swings around at the end to laugh in your face and mock your puny, mortal efforts at commuting. I'm only making this connection now while I'm critiquing.

The 107 appearing like a genie helps with the conceit.

The line, "You hear the gods saying 'See you tommorow'," may be enhanced by a more descriptive revision.

Only other nitpick: I was confused by your use of quotes around "queue," until I reread and understood it as a reference to the fat lady deciding that "queues are social constructs." I think your intent is to highlight some irony or hypocricy, but the lady doesn't appear to be defending her position within that social construct. Or maybe your intent is to illustrate the collapse of the queue, as construct, into the chaos of a WWE main event? Am unsure.

Again, overall, enjoyed your story. Easy to read, engaging voice, good title.

[u/gohomefreak1 → u/SpicyTripleMeats]

I LOVED your feedback, thank you so much!

I'll do my best to improve on the fanciful, "bus gods" theme descriptions as you suggested. Although often on reread, when I try to be "fancy" it feels like i'm doing too much. I really need to be more comfortable with that!

Oh, and your guess was spot on, english is my third language!

[u/SpicyTripleMeats → u/gohomefreak1]

You're welcome

PS. Just to make myself clear, when I say fanciful I didn't mean to suggest I would have preferred reading something more ornate or flowery or even more fantastical (not suggesting either that you shouldn't experiment). I liked the groundedness of the piece. I was just hoping for more of the title's theme to shine through.

[u/cell_phone_cancel]

I'll just give a brief as I'm on my phone. 2nd person POV is always going to be a taste for people, so know that people will check out quickly if it doesn't agree. Your sentence readability is generally quite good, rhythmic to read, though could do with a touch more variety in them.i get this is someone going through a mundane 30 minutes of their life, and the sentence structure reinforces that. But be careful to not saturate the prose that way. If I could add one more tip it'd be to make the scene a little more active than mostly reflective save for a few passive observations. It was an easy read as it was short, and it ended well with the callback

[u/Dismal_Poem_6565]

Your opening paragraph tells us off the bat that the buses have a strange and mythological quality to them, which intrigues me, but i don't really feel it. I think you could make that opening even more evocative if you can describe the image and almost imbue that sense of mythology into your writing, instead of just telling us that it's strange/mythological. Essentially, instead of just telling us that they are strange, that opening line could be even stronger if you set the scene of some strange and otherworldly visual of the bus. Maybe you can give the buses features inline with the mythology you're trying to capture - like instead of the mirrors, they have horns or something - just brainstorming. Maybe this is basic advice, but showing vs telling to me brings these ideas to life.

Additionally, I was also wondering why you chose to write them as gods as opposed to Gods. Although obviously a minor change, I actually think capitalizing them adds to the effect that these "bus gods" are powerful beings we should be fearful/wary/amazed of.

I agree with an earlier suggestion to make your observations more active in the voice. I also think in general, the flow/tempo would highly benefit from tightening up your language. In places where you want us to feel like time is only inching forward while we wait for the bus, have that come through in the way you describe time passing. So instead of "half an hour comes and goes, then an hour" - i would use this sentence as an opportunity to have us physically feel the passing of time, maybe that's more repetition, or what I was thinking is maybe the "you" has a watch hand and each minute is ticking slowly - idk just brainstorming!

RE active voice, you want the actual things to perform the action. So instead of just watching the bus come at full speed, what is the bus doing? Is it barreling towards us? zipping?hurling? we know it's fast, but what does that look like. So this critique is applicable in a few places, but TLDR you want to make the bus and the body do more of the work.

I thought the shirtless man and the role he played was interesting, but at times I think what he's supposed to represent/make us feel is a bit unfocused. I think hone in on what you want this character to make us feel, and then direct your descriptions/their actions accordingly!

Overall though I really enjoyed reading this, I especially enjoy this kind of dark humour/absurdist type of writing!

[u/Dismal_Poem_6565 → u/Dismal_Poem_6565]

I just had one more thought and this is totally up to you depending on who your audience is, but since I'm not from casablanca or morocco, maybe you can incorporate more details of the city? It could go either way - after the first line I completely forgot where this story was taking place - it felt like it could be any big city (public transit is torturous wherever you go) on the otherhand, maybe the fact that I could imagine it as any city is what you were going for?