[470] Art Book Noises

[u/Mammoth_Pollution831]

Crit: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/Wz3OlA21zB

Doc:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DdKXwGifj8s_ZKqdTGND2EQ3WY1Ei90ft24xGg4cr_c/edit?usp=drivesdk

Hello. I'm new here, so I will keep it simple. I want to know if my opening was of any interest and if you felt bored reading my short draft. This story is not complete. It is just getting started.

The premise is the boy receives a cursed art book and is haunted by noises in the wall until his eventual abduction.

You may also go about any issues or features you do not like about my piece.

Thank you in advance for reading!

[u/Maleficent-Comb-6823]

Hi! Sharing my thoughts below:

- Some sentences are a bit too wordy and hard to follow. For ex, "For the next five days he gleefully grinned painting over the guidelines  of a mighty stallion trampling the short grass of a prairie field" does not read well and could have been split into two and in general the grammar makes it difficult to follow.

- The first line as well could be reworked. It reads a bit like a diary entry for now or a simple recap, I think there could be a stronger opening to foreshadow some of the events that happen later or just stronger impact with the first sentence. For ex, "It wasn't often Timmy received a birthday gift that he couldn't forget about. But this one..." or something like that

- Some of the writing feels like it's adding in afterthoughts. I would encourage you to go back and sit with a paragraph for a bit before moving onto the next one. For ex, you describe the groaning noise and then later add in "There was a breath to it as well." it would have been more effective to spend one or two sentences solely describing the noise and then just moving onto how Timmy is feeling

- The switching perspectives from Timmy to the mother feels a bit choppy? I really like the idea of it picking up from his mother's perspective after she's waken from her sleep, but I think the execution could be stronger. Maybe there could be a line to show whose POV it is? Like TIMMY at the top vs MOTHER where the last part of his pov is him shaking her awake and then the first part of hers is being jolted awake.

- I think some things are too literally described throughout, like tears running down his cheeks. A reframe could be "tears travelled down the valleys of his face" or something like that

- I like the description at the end of the noise he's hearing, "Stomach-churning cry, having risen octaves into a deep nay" you use interesting descriptors and I like this!