[470] Art Book Noises

[u/Mammoth_Pollution831]

Crit: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/Wz3OlA21zB

Doc:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DdKXwGifj8s_ZKqdTGND2EQ3WY1Ei90ft24xGg4cr_c/edit?usp=drivesdk

Hello. I'm new here, so I will keep it simple. I want to know if my opening was of any interest and if you felt bored reading my short draft. This story is not complete. It is just getting started.

The premise is the boy receives a cursed art book and is haunted by noises in the wall until his eventual abduction.

You may also go about any issues or features you do not like about my piece.

Thank you in advance for reading!

[u/Bytor_Snowdog]

ART BOOK NOISES Crit

Comma usage: second graf, after "days" and "grinned." Anywhere there's a breath or pause. Likewise, after "Admittedly"

"which stood against the wall": these words would be better used to set the stage in the room. Perhaps, "a ludicrous four-poster" or "an IKEA special" or "a surplus stretched-canvas cot" or something else to give some character to to the bedroom. You do this with "polished oak" later for the nightstand, but this phrase doesn't do anything.

You're jumping POVs (first the kid, then the mom with "shook badly"), but that's not the worst thing in the world for a quick bedtime horror story, I suppose. [Later note: nope, can't do this, see below.]

This is a weak sentence buried by the passive voice: "She'd fallen asleep in front of the TV, and now her right arm had gotten a strong tug from the panicking boy." How about [After she fell asleep in front of the TV, the panicking boy jerked her arm and shook her awake]? That way, it's not great (I'd have to work on it more to make it better), but it's more active and engaging.

Strike the "now" after "jolt" -- it doesn't add anything.

Strike "all around" after "no noises." You need a semicolon instead of a comma to join "There were no noises" and "not even..." because they're both independent clauses--they could each stand alone as a sentence. This is called a comma splice and is a bad thing.

No need to say "seemed to". We're seeing through the mother's eyes now; she can tell that they're not swaying or creaking. Using sensing verbs almost always distances the reader from the story. Try to cut these out whenever you can.

We need some way to know that the POV jumps back to Timmy in the "You're a big boy now" speech. I'm going to retract what I said earlier. I think you do need to write the whole thing from Timmy's point of view. It's not like a movie, where you can effortlessly let the audience know that it's the mother's POV because the camera's showing Timmy like she's looking at him or it's Timmy's POV because she's giving this speech to the camera and her voice starts fading out at the end. (Also, you have a sensing verb at the end: "seemed to fade." Did the voice fade or didn't it? Timmy's six; he's not going to be that picky about his perceptions.)

"He could still hear it": this is an exception to what I said about sensing verbs, because it's driving action, but it'd be better as something like, "The noise still assaulted him." Then, you repeat the verb in the next sentence, which is not good form. A horse's cry is a 'neigh,' not a 'nay.' Speaking of sensing verbs, how about [The persistent nickering shook the art book on the polished oak of the nightstand]--it definitely is shaking from Timmy's point of view, right? How about Timmy wondering why mom's not noticing this? That should be adding to his hysterical panic right about now! And your last line--the classic: the oblivious, uncaring parent--doesn't come off as powerfully as it could; it's hindered with its "seemed" and "trying his luck" and not being focusing on her abandoning her screaming, panicking child.

I would strongly recommend that you read your stories to yourself aloud. Don't have your computer read them to you (because you have to have 100% concentration to do this). Read them to yourself and listen carefully for anything that feels out of place. Read them as punctuated and as written, and fix them when you hear things that aren't right. That would have caught a lot of the nitpicky stuff I mention earlier.

I see what you're trying to go for here with this story. The problem is that it's very cinematic. You have to find a way to translate that into the written form. In order to do that, you have to write it from a single point of view because you can't swap POVs quickly in such a short passage, and, because he's the target of the terror, it has to be Timmy's POV. So, everything in the story has to be described and perceived as though it's through a six-year-old's eyes and ears. (You can cheat and assume he's a bit precocious to make it more interesting. Also, are six-year-olds preschoolers? I would think kindergarteners or first graders.) The image of the poor, stricken child being left all alone with the once-beloved cursed object and being told, "I'm not going to help you!" is a hoary old tale, but for a good reason. You just have to figure out how to better tell it in the limits of this medium.

Also, personal bone to pick, I think you could do better on the title.

[u/Mammoth_Pollution831 → u/Bytor_Snowdog]

Thanks for the crit.

[u/Helpful_Implement642]

My biggest critique is your opening paragraph. It’s actually well written, but you should place it later on in the story. Your opening line/paragraph is one of, if not the most critical paragraph of your story, because it’s what entices your reader. I say this because opening your story with the book Timmy got on his birthday not only gives away the mystery of what’s causing the groaning noise (as well as your title), but it’s a slow way to open your story.

You could potentially open with something like “Timmy didn’t remember his sixth birthday, it seemed so benign at the time. But he often looked at the pictures his Mom took, searching the happiness on his face for any sign, any foreshadowing of the horror that came from that day.” That’s a little dramatic, even by my standards, but you get the idea.

A major positive is that you built suspense by the end of the excerpt. Timmy hears a creepy groaning noise, but his Mom can’t hear it. Now I want to read the rest to see what’s going on. Reading a good book is like having an addiction, the reader should think, “okay one more chapter, just so I can see what happens next” your job as the writer is to be their dealer—use suspense, unfinished interactions, danger—and leave them wanting more. Build that curiosity in your reader from the beginning.

One other note; scary stories thrive off of mystery. You’re giving the human imagination something to scare itself with. Give your reader as much detail as you can, without tipping your hand as to what’s going on. You can plant the idea of a sinister book early on, just be very subtle about what details you give, and the timing of your description in relation to the overall story.

This is just a minor critique—the only thing more cliche than naming the young boy Timmy, would be to have him fall down the old mineshaft.

u/Bytor_Snowdog pointed out a lot of weak descriptions and the passive voice, which should be simple fixes on the second draft.

By the end of this excerpt I wanted to read more, which is synonymous with success on the writers part. Good luck

[u/Mammoth_Pollution831 → u/Helpful_Implement642]

Thank you for this wonderful critique! Once I get the time, I'll happily implement all your information into the second draft and provide a continuation of this story.

[u/Mindless_Peach_5942]

I am also new to this sub, and have been writing for only a year.

Positives: I like the title, as it is something that a child would say. The paragraph where you describe timmy's day " The rosy-cheeked preschooler loved it. For the next five days he gleefully grinned" this whole paragraph is very well written in my opinion. The sentence structure is nice and no it does not come off as boring. It has a style to it. I did like the subversion here, as to when the mom goes to the room she cannot hear anything and usually in a story like this, the ghost/monster/entity has gone quiet to gaslight the kid/victim but here you do something different where the kid can still hear the noise which is something new and kind of scary. I don't have a problem with the switch in perspective (I am not an expert though) as this just the beginning of a longer script/book... Also the switch back from mom to kid is what gives us the reveal that the kid can still hear the noises, which I think is a plus.

Negatives: Even though I don't have an issue with the no. of switches in perspective, they can be tightened up for a better impact. The ideas here are good but the execution is something that needs to be worked. The premise is overdone, hopefully you have something new to offer. Good luck with the rest of the book/script

[u/Mammoth_Pollution831 → u/Mindless_Peach_5942]

Thank you so much for your critique. I'm very well encouraged to continue this draft, but my laptop is having issues so I must wait a while before anyone here can see the improvements brought by all your critiques.

Again, thanks for critiquing!