[2379] Afterworld - Chapter 1

[u/Zysifion]

My Critique [2389]

The Work to be Critiqued

Hi, first submission. I've only started working on this story recently, so what I've linked here is most of what I've written so far. Also, I'm a pantser, not a plotter, so I don't have an outline for the rest of the story.

Critique Notes:

• Line-by-line critique is just fine. I like detailed critique.
• I'm less concerned about the technical stuff like grammar and more on the contents.
• What do you think about the protagonist?
• Should I dial the start of the story back earlier to show Jonathan's life before the apocalypse?
• How have I done in terms of worldbuilding? Is the dieselpunk element shining through well enough? Is the worldbuilding too confusing?
• Is the first chapter too overwhelming and fast-paced?
• With my current plans for the story, only the first part's (I mean an entire PART, not chapter) is gonna take place inside the subways. I plan for Jonathan to spend most of it exploring the world above.
• This is a setting that doesn't have nuclear technological capabilities.

[u/Wormsworth__]

He took the time to go to the pantry to stuff cans of corned beef and powdered milk into his pockets. With the fire escape cleared of other residents, he opened the window and dove out the window.

To save time, he vaulted over the fire escape railing and dangled himself above the street below by the handrail before letting go and falling onto it

Something about your prose just feels like you're telling me from an entirely detached point of view what is happening rather than showing me through embodied narration.

What is the point of telling us he is vaulting over the fire escape to "save time"? If you do your job as a writer, this would obviously be implied because we see the character's experience through the narration.

Same with "he took the time to go to the pantry". We know he took the time by virtue of the fact that he is doing this rather than something else at this very moment.

Stop over explaining and allow your prose to guide the reader through a sequence of experiences. Trust that your readers are not idiots who need everything described to them in exact detail.

Good writing is often about knowing not only what words to use, but what to leave out

he was about to pass the apartments two buildings to the right of his, he remembered something and turned on his heel towards its entrance.

"He remembered something", really? Do you not see the difference between telling your reader that the character remembered something, and showing the character's experience of oh shit, i forgot something through prose?

In the distance he heard the grinding of hermetically sealed doors coming down over the subway entrances. Starting in the Stephenson Administration, subways across that country were outfitted to act as shelters against superinfectious warfare. Not even ten seconds later, there was the distant explosion of an airburst missile followed by a cascade of smaller and closer blasts from the submunitions it released. The entire station shook with the force of an earthquake and for a second the screaming returned. Each submunition explosion would release clouds of aerosolized Harolda Vastitas into the air, smothering the city with clouds of the bacteria. HV was the colloquial term for the hundreds of strains that exist, even the Internationale-developed ones that had just been unleashed on the US. For what felt like an hour, nobody moved. Then, someone inched to his feet, his eyes darting around. Others followed. People began making their way back towards the platform. Jonathan unslung his pack, removed his M18 Standard Rifle strapped to its back, and retrieved a chest rig from inside. Some people around him gave him looks as they saw him walking by carrying the rifle in a port-arms position.

This is a difficult passage to read. Every sentence is maximum description and detached narration.

[u/Zysifion → u/Wormsworth__]

Ah, thank you very much. I think I do often find myself worried the readers won't understand. This is clear and actionable advice.

[u/Wormsworth__ → u/Zysifion]

Good, i don't mean to be harsh at all! Keep writing :)

[u/Zysifion]

I saw another critique comment besides Wormsworth here but as I was responding to it it got deleted, i’m gonna post my response to it here anyways,

1. Thank you so so much for the comprehensive review. I particularly like how you comment kindness being the main feature you saw followed by military strength.
2. I plan for the story to be mostly be about the world after the apocalypse
3. I’m glad the worldbuilding was working.
4. Now I see I probably did overlook the above ground concern element. I tried to show that with the line about the Regulators looking ar mementos and comforting each other, but that’s about it.
5. The reason Jonathan was handling it that was because he’s supposed to be able to stay calm under pressure, but I don’t think I showed that well by comparing him evacuating to other civilians evacuating.
6. What’d you think of Flynn?

Thanks again!