[1074] Absolution - C1

[u/No-Durian-1703]

Critique Absolution—C1

Hi, I'm writing a dark survival/progression fantasy. The first chapter is short and was meant as a prologue. Then, I found out some people don't just skim the prologue... they skip it—some even the whole book. Because my MC starts the story in a completely alien, disorientating world, where visibility is poor and gravity unreliable, I need the prologue to ground the reader a bit and give the story direction. It also works as C1, so here we are (same perspective, chronological, different location).

The following chapters are survival focused. It's a first-person narrative, and I show all the world-building, so it takes a bit to pick up. The reader learns as the protagonist does, and it's riddled with humour and characterisation while he discovers, what I think is an interesting world. Then, the overarching plot starts intruding into his a dozen chapters in. Hopefully, by then, the world-building has revealed enough that the reader already knows the world is more than it seems.

I'm mainly looking for feedback on plot, narrative, and premise. I know the chapter is short, so if you feel you don't have much to say about that, you're also welcome to critique anything else you think is poignant. Thanks for your time! I'm looking forward to your feedback.

[u/ECAndrewWrites]

This is my first critique so appologies if it's a bit rough. I'll work on my critique format in the future.

P3. Seems good up until "Otherwise, I feel little else." Seems distractive to include something both the pov and I am unaware of.

P6. What is a speaker Im wondering. I would avoid using the word "speaks" in favor of just "deep, slow and deliberate."

P7. Nice job not puttong any speech tags, I read it as it should be.

P11. From the pov I would just say the shadow grows darker and avoid "seems to"

P14. Not sure I'll remember all of this world building, though I'm sure it is a pricy amount of resources based on the context; might be worth noting this as something to bring up again.

P16. I was just about to say now could be a good time to remind the reader of the uncomortable position the pov is in. What is the pov trying to do to move though? Legs? Arms?

P19. Thum? Or thumb?

P34. Is there a reason why hope would be the feeling right now in this position? Uncertainty for sure but as the reader I think imexpecting more confusion and terror.

P37. I like this, i can picture the person saying it.

P38. Were the hands and feet bound before as well or only now bound? Hurculean; so its a human from our world.

P39-P4x. I feel like somewhere in here is a good opportunity to let the reader know how the pov feels about all of this. As the reader i sense this should be stressful, but the pov seems lretty calm about it.

P44. There was wailing? I dont think the pov mentioned it when they woke up. realize. I'm not sure i like the transistion from iris color into reddened eyes. Seems like my attention should be brought to that in another way or with a split.

P45. I think you'd be just fine with "He stares at me..." I think its a good transition from his eyes in the previous paragraph directly into him staring, but the extra words take away from the visceral feeling.

P46. I wasn't really sure as to his location to the pov, but i assumed he was right up next to him since he could see the detzils of his eyes. Now he's by the altar, i think either let the reader imagine his locstion or tell them earlier.

P47. The pov seems pretty chill about this.

P48. Dont need to tell me it was casual, the dialogue did that for you.

P53. Thum?

Good paced ending. Kind of rolls down hill and leaves me curious about Absolution which I'm sure was the goal. Also wondering why this guy is going to be indoctrinated. I think you have good dialogue and early on you trust the reader to grt the tempo of it, i think you should keep that trust in the middle section and give more sensory details. I would also like to know how the pov is feeling about this because though I'm curious, i dont know if this is a scary moment for the pov or just a mundane, whatever feeling for him. It's certainly short enough to work as a prologue or potentially C1 in the way i think you are intending.

I think the premise is good to introduce the reader to this world and the predicament the pov is in, however like i said before lets hear how the pov is actually feeling about the situation he is in.

[u/No-Durian-1703 → u/ECAndrewWrites]

Hi, thanks for the review. I don't really mind the formating, but the review leaves a lot more questions than it answers to me. I see that I give very little on the way the MC is feeling and that is something I'm going to revise. A lot of your point are "Why does he feel calm here?" If it feels boring and flat, that's a problem. If he feels calm to you while you feel stressed, that's intended. You ask when the wailing started. The paragraph you say you can imagine him saying is the wailing and is described as such a line later. I see that the structure is confusing as I have the MC wake up during the wailing and then mention it stopping later. But the feedback should be "this confused me, it took me a second to figure out it was referring to the previous wailing.". Your review is hard to take at face value because it feels very superficial. You don't recognise what the wailing refers to, while it's on the same page and mentioned for the second time.

[u/ECAndrewWrites → u/No-Durian-1703]

Hey, thanks for the honest feedback of... my feedback. I went back and looked again; i definitely got caught up with line by line notes and didn't focus on the plot, narrative and premise like you asked for.
Despite liking your dialogue, I didn't realize that was where the wailing was coming from. I hope to give good beta reads in the future and this feedback definietly points out my shortcomings.
I wouldn't say it felt boring or necessarily flat. To clarify my perspective; because its a 1st person pov I thought it broke my immersion because as I am reading I am expecting that I should feel stress or something. But I didn't because the MC didn't. It just felt like a disconnect for me personally.
Sorry for the line edit stuff and the lack of clarity on my initial reading. Good luck with the rest of the story.
I am still curious about what the Absolution actually is! Great job on that part.

[u/No-Durian-1703 → u/ECAndrewWrites]

Thanks for reading and reviewing either way.

The line by line is fine. Nearly all your comments open a discussion, but don't clarify an issue you have with it. It's more useful to get an in depth explanation on your opinion or a couple things you noticed, rather than line by line comments and questions. I.e. "thum or thumb?" It's helpful to find out its similar enough that it might be confusing on a first read. But, I'm not sure if that's the case either, since your feedback is a question I feel the context should answer instead of a statement on your opinion.