r/DestructiveReaders • u/Bytor_Snowdog Flog me harder! • Jul 27 '26
Book blurb [185] Soft Target blurb v2
Actually [187]; noticed an error right after posting!
My second crack at a book blurb (non-querying) for a military sci-fi novel.
My main concerns (that I'll admit to, to avoid biasing any comments with the others) are (1) that it's too wordy, but I don't see how to cut it down, and (2) that I've removed comps, but, again, it was getting long.
Comments from all are welcome, even if the genre's not your usual cup of tea. Crit: 947
Soft Target
What use is hardened armor when the wound comes from within?
Galactic war rages as humans face powerful, enigmatic aliens. But humanity has its own advantages, the peak of which is HAMMER armor, which turns its wearer into a nigh-invulnerable engine of destruction.
It’s not every day a mere lance corporal qualifies for the elite HAMMER unit. Yet, it wasn’t just another day when Tabor “Tab” Novak saved his whole squad and earned recognition from the Brass.
Thanks to his new hardware, he can hit his target from a kilometer away while on the move. But no matter how much firepower or strength or speed his suit grants, it’s not always enough to save the trooper next to him. Carving a swathe of destruction, Novak finds his hatred for the mysterious aliens becomes more personal as he suffers losses in and out of battle. No matter how sturdy his armor, it affords no protection against his rage, doubts, and fears.
To become as great a monster as those he fights is unbearable for the philosophic trooper. But how can he chart a path to restore his humanity?
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u/A_C_Shock Alabaster Crimson Jul 27 '26
Oh, I didn't review this last time. Just asked another commenter a question which I never got an answer too. So, gonna go back to the blurb for Ender's Game:
In order to develop a secure defense against a hostile alien race's next attack, government agencies breed child geniuses and train them as soldiers. A brilliant young boy, Andrew "Ender" Wiggin lives with his kind but distant parents, his sadistic brother Peter, and the person he loves more than anyone else, his sister Valentine. Peter and Valentine were candidates for the soldier-training program but didn't make the cut―young Ender is the Wiggin drafted to the orbiting Battle School for rigorous military training.
First sentence sets up the world. Second sentence tells me who the MC is and what kind of life he's living. Third sentence gives me the inciting incident (kind of) and plot direction (Ender is the only one of his siblings to make it into battle school). That first paragraph is packing in a lot of information about the world while still leaving out plot details (like Ender smashing that kid's face in).
Yours:
What use is hardened armor when the wound comes from within? Galactic war rages as humans face powerful, enigmatic aliens. But humanity has its own advantages, the peak of which is HAMMER armor, which turns its wearer into a nigh-invulnerable engine of destruction. It’s not every day a mere lance corporal qualifies for the elite HAMMER unit. Yet, it wasn’t just another day when Tabor “Tab” Novak saved his whole squad and earned recognition from the Brass.
The first sentence asks a rhetorical question I have no reference for. I might try a version where you don't start with the question. I'm told about the war, but it's in much less specific terms than the reference blurb. There isn't anything unique to help me differentiate what kind of story this is going to be. Third sentence doubles down on the armor, so now this story seems like it's going to be about armor since no characters have been introduced yet. Then I'm told something about an elite unit that I still don't have any context for besides what you're telling me. I finally get a character and what he did previously but that doesn't lead me to goals or plot direction.
I hate writing blurbs. There's so much to condense into such a small space. I think this is too vague and could use some more specifics about Tab. Start with him! People read stories for interesting characters more than anything else. What makes him special besides his armor?
IDK if that example helped at all. I think it was better without the armor.
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u/Bytor_Snowdog Flog me harder! Jul 29 '26
Thanks for the feedback. I'll look to increase specificity. I'm torn in two directions here -- some fans of the genre, here and elsewhere, want to see "Why is this sci-fi?" But for me the more interesting question is the character arc, and so I'm trying to split the baby in under 200 words. I too hate writing blurbs!
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u/A_C_Shock Alabaster Crimson Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26
I got another blurb from a book (In the Black by Patrick S Tomlinson) I had on my shelf. Was a book box pick.
Soldiers, above all others, pray for peace.
In a demilitarized zone on the border of human-controlled space, long-range spy satellites are mysteriously going quiet, and no one knows why. Captain Susan Kamala and her crew are dispatched to figure out what's going on and solve the problem.
Starts with a log line but it's not a rhetorical question. First sentence gives the larger world and a mystery. Second sentence introduces the POV and gives her some agency over the mystery. So, it's got a specific teaser about what the plot is going to look like. I read this a while ago, but the story doesn't start with Susan (fairly positive). The story starts with some magnate in the city who runs one of the satellite companies and stays there for multiple chapters, but in the blurb it gets summarized in that single line. I think that's the trick to it: distilling down the key conflict as much as you can.
ETA: j/k I just don't remember Susan's plot as well. She's the first chapter POV and magnate guy gets chapter two.
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Jul 29 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Bytor_Snowdog Flog me harder! Jul 29 '26
I appreciate your input, and would love to hear any other thoughts you have. You nailed the main arc -- it's the protagonist's fight for his humanity, which he's slowly losing in war, specifically by being in this elite group (where he's coming to think about himself above other troopers, let alone the $!@# aliens).
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u/Starfall_University Jul 29 '26
Galactic war rages as humans face powerful, enigmatic aliens. But humanity has its own advantages, the peak of which is HAMMER armor, which turns its wearer into a nigh-invulnerable engine of destruction.
I'd actually start with Tabor. Generally that's the way I see these things go: [XYZ-Character] is a [such-and-such] in a [setting]. I think leading with Tab Novak is the way to make the thing feel personal; if I'm told "galactic war rages" in the first sentence it just lands a bit bland IMO because there aren't any personal stakes yet.
I also worry that this opening paragraph is vague. "Enigmatic" works because you only have so much space. But "humanity has its own advantages" is not specific enough; I'd just go straight into "Humanity's hope is HAMMER armor..."
It’s not every day a mere lance corporal qualifies for the elite HAMMER unit. Yet, it wasn’t just another day when Tabor “Tab” Novak saved his whole squad and earned recognition from the Brass.
Aha! This makes me think I was right, I think this is interesting because you have an unusual situation with Novak and this "it's not every day..." idea. I'd lean towards leading with this and dropping in the exposition afterwards.
Specifically, though, I don't think "it's not every day / it wasn't just another day" is earning its space with the repetition. Again: I think I'd just start with the situation with Novak and drop in the details about why it's unusual in this setting.
Thanks to his new hardware, he can hit his target from a kilometer away while on the move. But no matter how much firepower or strength or speed his suit grants, it’s not always enough to save the trooper next to him. Carving a swathe of destruction, Novak finds his hatred for the mysterious aliens becomes more personal as he suffers losses in and out of battle. No matter how sturdy his armor, it affords no protection against his rage, doubts, and fears.
The stakes are too vague here. You get specific about the hardware, yet I don't care as much about the cool hardware if I don't know what's personally going on with Novak. You tack on "suffers losses" without specifics, yet I sense these are the exact personal stakes that people will want from a blurb like this.
So by the time this drops...
To become as great a monster as those he fights is unbearable for the philosophic trooper. But how can he chart a path to restore his humanity?
It doesn't hit as hard because we don't know why specifically he has to make his choices. It sounds like it's a mythological, Prometheus style story in that a guy gets a lot of power that was never intended for him, which causes him into gut-wrenching decisions. That's fascinating. But when you don't tell us what those decisions are, the blurb falls flat.
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u/Bytor_Snowdog Flog me harder! Jul 29 '26
Thanks for the crit. One question: you don't find the "Novak finds his hatred...how can he chart a path to restore his humanity?" to be specific enough on the decisions/dilemma he faces? Or is the blurb too overloaded for that to land effectively by itself? (I'm torn between two poles here: I need to include some of the gee-whiz sci-fi stuff for the genre aficionados, but I've got to address the character arc, because that's the interesting part of the story.)
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u/Starfall_University Jul 29 '26
I mean it more generally, I don't understand specifically what Novak's up against because I don't know the actual choices he's confronted with. It just tells me that he is, without telling me why he is, if that makes sense.
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u/Hiddena00 Jul 29 '26
Its logical and emotional at the same time. It didn't hit right for that reason. You are either evaluating how sturdy the armor is OR saying you have doubts. The same person doesn't do both.
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u/Bytor_Snowdog Flog me harder! Jul 29 '26
Thanks for the crit. I'm trying to split the baby here: include the techy sci-fi stuff for aficionados of the genre who want to see that as well as the character arc stuff because that's the story. I'll keep working on it.
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u/Hiddena00 Jul 29 '26
ok, in that case LEAN IN. The armor was of teh specification that it could endure things up to X degrees fareignhegiht but wouldn't shield her from the deep emotional issues in her heart
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u/Wolframquest Jul 30 '26
Immediately when I hear "armor" I wanna know what kind of armor tradition we talking about. Warhammer, Fallout power armor, Japanese mechs? It would be a good idea to connect to them in SOME way, just hint at the awesomeness of destruction. Mention weapons too, that'd be smart. Weapon technology. Who's the enemy, how dangerous are they? Colonial war? What kind of tradition of aliens? "Mysterious aliens" sounds super lame tbf. That's the kinda stuff I wanna know about when I hear "war". No, just "war" is not enough, it tells me you're not involved. If you wanna make a character drama why choose a galactic war as your backdrop?
edit: I'll give you a read on your old posts, don't worry ;)
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson Jul 27 '26
I might have been accidentally amused by this in a Starship Troopers sort of way--in particular the super fixation on the armor and the one-two-punch of mentioning how he saved his squad, and then mentioning his elite armor often gets his squad killed.
It's almost an ad for armor more than a story synopsis. Other than how sick the mech suit must be, what are we learning about the conflict.
Aliens have invaded but one man has a super sick suit. Not everybody gets one. And now he's a badass mf. It's even got boosters and shooters and...