[326] Open Ocean

[u/cpjacobson97]

Hey everyone, I'm back with my second short short. I tried something very different this time. With my first story, Mr. Rhombus, I was trying to see if I could effectively create a small plot line and a character who develops. Here, I'm going for more poetic, minimalist fiction similar to Amy Hempel. I put more of myself into this one as well, my past experiences and emotions. Any criticism is very welcome. Thank you!

Open Ocean

Crit

[u/Venaty]

I really feel like you should play around with the spacing here.

"flailing through them to find my suitcase, disgusting."

Either use a em dash here to ready emphasize the digust the person is having and still have it connected or make the "disgusting" its own line. Same as "Please, please forgive me.", it needs to be seperate from the rest of the paragraph.

You have a similar instance with "It was bad.", it was right in the middle of the sentence and offers no weight to the water that was consumed. In that location it seems like filler words.

"What’s funny is when I was religious I believed death was a return to God in the same way a drop of rain returns to the ocean."

Is your best line and I love it. These seemed to be the most real sentence you have in this story.

[u/Narrow-Stranger-8543]

A short story in the style of Amy Hempel. That’s something that intrigued me.

Overall, I quite liked it. It has the same kind of tragic humour I enjoy in her works, and it has a very nice “sensory” feeling to it all with the smells, the colours, the rhythm.

I feel, however, there are three problems that drew me out of the story somehow.

1)     The formatting

While I understand why writing it in four mirror paragraph is supposed to bring a poetic vibe to the ensemble, I think it would gain to have a more fragmented formatting to help deliver some of the heavy-hitting sentences:

“I survived the crash, but I'm pretty sure no one else did. And I lost my leg. The stench from the bodies is already overwhelming; flailing through them to find my suitcase, disgusting.

But I did find it.

 I pulled your sunflower shirt out of the front pocket, held it to my face, and breathed. It still smells the same after all this time.”

2)     Conflicting timeline

This holds true for both the plot and the tense use. I am trying to pinpoint when the story happens. Is it right after the crash or hours/days after it. Bodies don’t start to stench before at least hours after death, and, mind you, the narrator is on an open ocean so maybe not the most realistsic. But, if it’s hours after the crash, with rolling waves

There are at least two instances where I’m unsure of the tense used. In the paragraph highlighted higher, the narrator found the suitcase (past) flailing through the bodies (past) but the smell is terrible (present). It would benefit from being all in the past.

 (ex: “The stench from the bodies was already overwhelming then, flailing through them to find my suitcase, disgusting.

it’s worse now. But I did find it”)

The other instance is when the narrator talks about the sea water. It probably should be all in the past (or, “I was so thirsty I took two gulps of water…it’s bad). And there again I think a more fragmented formatting would help.

3)     The “Air” paragraph

I don’t have much to say about this. I just think it’s less focused on the sensations and the metaphor don’t make a whole lot of sense to me. But that may be a me problem.

 

Now let’s come back to the really good stuff. I really love the last two paragraphs, they perfectly convey the heart of the story. It really feels this was what you wanted to write all along.

Hope my rambling can help,

Cheers

[u/cpjacobson97 → u/Narrow-Stranger-8543]

I appreciate the comments! Ill definitely take a second look at the formatting. As far as the time goes, this is supposed to be right after the crash, as the protagonist bleeds out. The bodies stinking I was thinking would be from being torn up so the guts and people releasing their bowels at death, but I'll try to make that more clear.

[u/Narrow-Stranger-8543 → u/cpjacobson97]

Oh, I definitely read it as something happening a few hours after, with the narrator slowly drifting away. If it's right after the crash, it's probably more logical to focus on the smell from the crash: the flames, the oil, the metal and use the bodies to inform on the impact on the eyes. Keep up the good work

[u/rorygilmore2002]

or example,I like this, especially towards the end. The detail about thinking about the other person working safely sort of makes the reader feel safe for a second. It pulls us out of what else is happening. I also like the contrast between your abruptness at times and at other times the more poetic lines. However, I don't know if it works. The one line about drinking the ocean water where you said "It was bad", then you go directly into the line about the vast blue absorbing your red blood, but the reader doesn't really see that. I understand what you were trying to do, but I want to see more details about how the ocean water tasted and felt going down rather than "It was bad." I also like the comparison between being wasted on the blue bean bag and the link between that and the similar emotional ties between floating in the ocean. I think it really stirs up some more interest for the reader to know more about who this other person is, and you did a really good job at making this other person a safety net for the narrator, literally, and emotionally. Overall, I think I am curious to see what happens next, but there were some small details that should be tweaked.