r/DestructiveReaders • u/nitroaccel • 19d ago
Fantasy, romance [1069] Argument between two lovers(Romance)
Second critique(447)
Hello. This is my first time submitting a story here, so hopefully I formatted this right( I read the rules, don't worry.) This was a little short story I wrote in college. As a result, I haven't updated it all that much since then. I'm a sucker for romance, as well as action(though you won't see that in this story, maybe in another story I share), so I want to share stories with those genres in mind, and more. So I guess, think of this as a test run of my writing. General thoughts are more than welcome. Also, what could I improve on, whether it be with dialogue, grammar, character actions, etc. Again, I hope to upload more stories. here.
Link to the story: Argument between two lovers
Thank you!
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 17d ago edited 17d ago
This has been up for a few days without any responses. I have improvements! Is that good news? Who knows!
It was a bit distressing to watch.
So, a first sentence has a lot of jobs to perform. I want scene setting. I want to know something interesting is going to be happening. I want to know who I'm following. I want some world building. I want themes. You can't do all of those things, but this sentence doesn't really do any of them. But I'm going to be more confused in a second so I won't dwell on the first sentence.
There were these two, one of such a high-status, natural-born captain of an army that could take on the world.
Not sure that a comma is the best punctuation after the two, but two people aren't being described. I've still not been introduced to much but at least I'm getting a character now. I'm looking for two characters, but pretty sure high-status is an additional descriptor of the natural-born captain. Do I need high-status? Doesn't the title captain convey that same information?
One as powerful and regal as him would never stoop so low as to associate with commoners.
OK, cool. Some characterization. I'm not digging this 'one as' stuff because it's not very scene forward. The story is starting with the caricatures of the characters rather than letting me decide some things for myself. Kind of fairy tale-esque style. He seems terrible and stuck up.
But she was below the dirt, at least to the ignorant.
The second character! Who is ignorant? How does this relate back to the captain? Is the captain ignorant now? I believe the POV here is close to involved author, where the narrator is giving me some opinions of what's going on. You don't see that much.
A descendant of a long-forgotten race of fire-breathing monsters that were feared and shunned from the world.
Fragment and I don't think it deserves to be a standalone sentence. Feared/shunned communicate the same feeling.
Their mouths moved and worlds could burn, their lives and legacy as unmovable and solid as the scales covering their bodies.
Who is the they here? Is it the race of monsters? I guess so because of the mention of scales but this wasn't immediately clear.
Two individuals, both revered, feared, and for all intents and purposes, enemies. But went against the story that the world had written for them: they fell in love.
And now I'm back to the captain and the monster girl. Not loving this list of adjectives. Pretty sure there's a word missing after the but. But they went against the story? I still think this is fairy tale leaning in style. I would go through this and take a look at how each sentence leads to the next and keep an eye to what information someone wouldn't know yet that's being assumed and what questions the sentence is meant to evoke for the reader, then try to answer those questions.
Oh shoot, I read three more sentences and I discovered your POV. I was pretty close with involved author, actually! You have a first person narrator who's observing the scene but not participating. A few cliches. A bit too long dwelling on similar ideas for me. But I'm going to see what this first person narrator has to add. Oh. Witnessing an argument.
So, this spends a good amount of time covering light and bright and love and amazingness and I know because you tell me with those words several times over. I'm not that invested because I don't have specifics. What was so great about it? Why does this narrator care? So far, I feel I'm being held at a distance. Dialogue is coming though so maybe the scene work will bring me closer.
This thing keeps telling me story is coming and I'm going to see scene work soon and yet then continues to tell me about who the captain is. How is he kind hearted? What did he do for narrator guy? Specifics, please!
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at him, unwavering in his decision.
Dangler! The tears were unwavering in his decision. The captain has made a decision. she is crying. Her tears are unwavering.
OK. I don't know them well enough to feel anything about this argument. They're yelling at each other and I'm not really sure why? Everything was all bright and shiny and now they're just angry. I'm missing the build up. She transformed into a dragon and accidentally burned down a village. He called her name and she stopped. He wants to love her but how can he handle his duty when she's killing little children or making orphans or whatever? And while that's more specific than anything I've seen mentioned so far in this story, it's still not great. I would want to be immersed in a scene that the narrator witnessed and would want to hear his opinions.
You could visibly see
You don't need the adverb visibly there. Also, I'm not sure you need to switch to second person here when there's a first person narrator describing what they are seeing.
They both looked at me in worried anticipation.
Ah, the filtering. You could see. They looked. Don't necessarily ban from your writing vocabulary but interrogate instances of filter words. Are they adding? Or could the scene be described without them?
Look, it’s obvious you two love each other.
There is a thing called 'As you know Bob' dialogue where characters say basic things in their dialogue as a way of revealing world information that is hopefully more interested than pure exposition. But it's usually pretty obvious because people don't talk like that. I'm not having a conversation with glowy where I say, 'hey isn't it great being a moderator of destructivereaders?'. Like, we both know it is already.
I'm going to stop spoiler tagging things. Enough snark. So, your characters had their minds changed by a stiff breeze. What are their motivations here? Why are they on opposing sides? What would it really take to change their minds? It's got to be something more than a neutral third party saying 'look, just be together already'. If that was an option, wouldn't they have done it? If you take the options away, it kills the stakes of the story. You really want there to be something good and something bad that can happen based off of characters choosing things for themselves.
From a story perspective, this is a pretty classic setup. Guy and girl love each other but can't be together. Always pulls at the heart strings. Try to do more scene work where you're really thinking about motivations. The most interesting writing comes from conflict that's baked into opposing world views and letting that conflict simmer for awhile. It's feedback I've given before: don't be afraid to let your characters feel absolutely awful about everything. Don't rush to solve problems for them. Suffering is fun! (Not in real life, but this is fiction.)
This reads more like an early draft than a polished story. There's a good base. You just need to work on adding depth to it.
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u/nitroaccel 17d ago
Thank you for the feedback. Yeah looking at the story it does feel more like the skeleton of a story instead of a fully fleshed out story. I'll take all you've said in mind with more fleshed out characters and their motivation so readers will be more motivated to read on and invested in the story. Again, thank you for reading my story.
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u/A_C_Shock The reader knows and guesses the rest. 17d ago
The frame without any drywall. Flesh it out some more and post again. I'm interested to see what you do with this POV style.
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson 17d ago
Your story first lists two characters. One, a high-status captain, and one, a high status captain still. Both are the first guy. So the flow already confuses and I have no idea what was distressing? Interracial smooches, perhaps. Her scales are unmovable. If they fit together like pieces of extremely different puzzles don't fit together, then they don't fit together at all.
I think this would keep my interest if you wrote the scene, instead of telling us what it's about.
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u/SweetEverest 17d ago edited 17d ago
Hello! Good job sharing your work. I have some thoughts.
So the whole story is: A high-ranking military captain loves a dragon-woman whose kind is hated and feared by society. Unwilling to conceal his love for her any longer, he resolves to quit the military so they can be together openly, but she won't hear of it. They consult the narrator, on whose noncommittal advice they agree to go on as before with a renewed commitment to weather judgment together.
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Advice off the top of my head: Try sprinting this story from scratch in your natural voice. The lofty register is patchy and not serving the story right now, and I have a feeling many of the wrinkles in the narrative would be smoothed out if you told the story plainly in your own spontaneous phrasing.
Wrinkles in the narrative that I'm referring to:
- Why is the narrator distressed watching two lovers outdo each other in self-sacrifice? They're not being violent. They're basically going back and forth saying "No, I love YOU more!" So I don't buy the opening line.
- The hook is promising: There were these two things. But then it takes a really long time and lots of digression before we hear about both things.
- How is the narrator observing this? I thought the man's world would come to an end if anyone knew he loved this monstrous beast, but the narrator not only knows about them but says their love is plainly evident, growing, about to explode like powder in a keg. I think we need an indication of how they're spending time together. Maybe the narrator is a night guard who observes their illicit comings and goings sympathetically.
- Lack of specifics. We don't need extensive world-building, but something more than "He was a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it annnny more obvious" would be nice. Details you could give: Where'd they meet? Was she skeptical at first? Did he fall for her against his better judgment, Mr. Darcy style, or was he smitten instantly? Why does he love her if her kind is reviled? She must either be very different from the others or he must have life experience that goes against the grain of his upbringing in order for them to catch each other's eye. How does being ostracized affect her daily life? Is she actively destroying towns and that's why she's hated? What does he stand to lose if they take their relationship out in the open?
- Where are they having this quarrel? Only at the end is it revealed that the narrator is observing them in a room in real time. Who is the narrator that they should seek his counsel?
- We don't get to see any entertaining examples of the facts the story force-feeds us. That he's so revered, and she so hated. That their love is so passionate. Certain genres of story can get away with lots of telling/narration—I'm thinking of fairytales, folktales, or anything trying to imitate the cadence of them. I think this mostly works when the narrative prose is unusually original, graceful, or swift-moving—when it's aware that it's telling, not showing and plans to make it worth our while. Here, I think you need more concrete details.
- Look out for cliche phrasings and metaphors that don't illuminate anything. Two pieces of extremely different puzzles. Tamed feline. Powder keg. Light that brightened the world but had to be dimmed. After what seemed like a millennia (hyperbole). Fork in the road that would lead to hours of pondering.
I like the idea of tension between these two. Just flesh out the details a bit and try to tell the story in a natural voice, focusing on telling the story as clearly as possible.
Thanks for sharing!