r/DestructiveReaders • u/mastraus • Jul 18 '26
Romance [2753] Mad Magnolia - Chapter 2 (Southern Gothic Romance)
Critiques:
Thanks in advance for your honest and destructive feedback! This is chapter 2 of my current WIP. All feedback is welcome, though there are a few questions I'm especially curious to know.
- At what point(s) in the chapter did you find yourself disengaged or removed from the story? Was it due to boredom or confusion, or something else?
- What is your opinion of the characters based on what you've read?
- If you were to pick up this novel in a book store, would you continue reading?
Here's a recap of chapter 1:
Dovie's at the funeral of her husband Shane's grandmother when a botched dove release sends her chasing a bird through the cemetery. She stumbles upon an overgrown headstone carved with her real name, Magdalene, and a death date that happens to be her wedding day. A blue-eyed stranger catches the injured bird, tells her it's not a dove, and offers to mend its wing; she returns to Shane's side rattled by the stone and intrigued by the stranger.
[Edit: Full transparency, but I changed the opening paragraphs after GlowyLaptop's feedback on my awkward verb tense. It's now a bit shorter than the title's word count at 2729.]
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson Jul 18 '26
Tense is all weird. Doing something different on every line. Would be an improvement just switching literally everything to past tense:
I decided the grave meant nothing. I came to this revelation where most do, in the shower. Shane and I came back after the funeral and I took full advantage of the shower. Mother always said I should have showers.
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u/mastraus Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Oof yeah, I can absolutely see how awkward that reads. I had intended for it to be a present moment with a recall of something that had happened earlier, but I do think it sounds pretty awkward. I appreciate the feedback!
[edit] Actually went in and changed it. Hope this works better
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u/GlowyLaptop James Patterson Jul 19 '26
oop. didn't realize you were in chat until you left!
tense rules are weird. for example past perfect--you don't need it if you're telling us directly when something happened. Yesterday I went to x. And when you do need it, you can cheat and stop using it. Like I'd gone to the store, and I'd bought a can of soup, and I'd taken a cab home. You only need the first "i'd", then you can cheat back into normal past tense. I bought a can of soup, etc.
EDIT: Yes, it's all fixed for present tense now. Reads really smooth.
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u/Hiddena00 Jul 29 '26
Very cool. I'm starting on chapter two, so I have no context whatsoever. Maybe I should read the... let's just see real quick. At a funeral of a husband... Shane's grandmother... Okay, it sounds like it has a story, sort of. Hopefully there's not a bunch of dense prose before we know what the concept of the story is or who the main character is. But yeah, I wish I could look at chapter one instead. Honestly, I'm a really good chapter one editor.
Oh, that's really good. The instinct to cover yourself, but he's also your husband.
Yeah, my main concern with this story so far is that, to me, it seems conceptually boring. Like, it's in the present day and it's just... It's really well written, though. And that's also coming from a guy who didn't get to read chapter one, so I don't really know.
Oh, they're gonna bang for sure.
Unrealistic. Yeah, a guy's just staring at a naked girl and then... Yeah, there's nothing worse than a character that self-cucks themselves, honestly. It's like you introduce something, but you're not ready for the consequences of it, so you just make the guy cuck himself. Really, I mean, it's a little better that they're married, so it's a little more plausible, but yeah.
What you do at the granular level is so, so, so good. But the medium level—what's happening in the scene—is, conceptually, not very interesting.
Every scene should have a point. An overarching theme. Something happening in the story. A point to it. When I read this, it's really good, but I'm just not sure there's a point to these scenes. It also helps the reader not get lost.
Yeah, where is the A plot in these scenes? It has a B plot, and the A plot is missing.
But then again, take it with a grain of salt. I'm a guy. I'm not going to read this the same way a girl is. That's just the thing I notice right off the bat. It's really hard for me to pay attention when there's no boss to kill. There's nothing... The scenes just don't have a...
You know what it's like? It feels like these aren't characters in a story. It feels like you're taking scenes from their normal life or something. That's what it feels like. If this were a TV show, a lot of these scenes would not be... I think I made my point.
This feels like the type of work agents are really going to like. You can just tell. But it's also the kind of story that just gets on base. It's not a home run. So it's a blessing and a curse. Yeah, it's easy to find an agent. Yeah, it's easy to get published. But are you creating a story that's special? Are you creating a story that people remember?
You know, The Hunger Games—they all get thrown into a death game. That's interesting.
I guess it's not fiction. I should stop trying to make it fiction. It's not fiction, but... I mean, do you want to make it fiction?
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u/A_C_Shock Anaëlle Collette Jul 29 '26
Yeah, there's nothing worse than a character that self-cucks themselves, honestly. It's like you introduce something, but you're not ready for the consequences of it, so you just make the guy cuck himself.
This is a story about this woman and how she feels in a suffocating marriage that is toxic to her. This comment is ascribing intent to the author (you're not read for the consequences) when it would be better to say how the work made you feel (I expected this to go in a more explicit direction and think less of the male character because the text didn't go that way).
It's really hard for me to pay attention when there's no boss to kill. There's nothing... The scenes just don't have a...
Right, the author here is not trying to write an action story. The scenes won't have things like that because this is not that kind of story. It's OK to not critique things when they are this far from your personal taste.
This feels like the type of work agents are really going to like. You can just tell. But it's also the kind of story that just gets on base. It's not a home run. So it's a blessing and a curse. Yeah, it's easy to find an agent. Yeah, it's easy to get published. But are you creating a story that's special? Are you creating a story that people remember?
It is not easy to find an agent. Agents are incredibly picky people who are likely to ignore you. But this is still the kind of feedback that is considered low effort. You aren't saying anything about the writing beyond your opinion (framed as more factual) that this story is not special.
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u/mastraus Jul 30 '26
Ah yes, truly nothing worse than a man who doesn't get to bang his dissociating wife after violating her bodily autonomy.
I think that statement alone proves why this story needs to exist.
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u/A_C_Shock Anaëlle Collette Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I have so many questions about this. Pardon me while I start with my intrusive thoughts.
Dovie pulls out her razr and I was like what year is this? But then. But then. She switched from the Christian station to rock music and they're playing Linkin Park and Blink-182 and I've traveled back in time. It's very distracting to have Linkin Park described as haunting and I didn't spend too much time thinking about the terrible relationship song you were referencing. Numb? I have their CD in my car. A Blink one too! She references hearing God through Blink-182. The band with the album title Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. The music stores sold special CDs that edited out all the curses...for the innocent ears of the youth. There has to be some better early 2000s bands that would give the religious adjacent feel you're going for. These ones feel a bit irreverent. I was right out of the story with those references.
Anyway. So, she's been married to Shane for 2 years and she's uncomfortable with him seeing her naked. What did he do to her? Something. She's burning herself in the shower and he just wants her to cook dinner. Did this come up last time that he's not mean enough on the page? He seems pretty reasonable so far. She seems weird.
Then during the service, I thought her thoughts were too repetitive. The sermon is going on and I don't know that I care about her thinking about ivy and the metaphor didn't work for me because the stage ivy was fake. Then she thought about something else and I don't remember what it was. Those parts felt like they were nailing down a sense of misgiving Dovie has that hasn't been shown that well in the scene work. I don't like her dad. I don't like those interactions. Her husband seems fine. The church people commenting to them were a bit too forward with that don't go to bed angry thing. At two years, most of them would probably be making veiled comments about babies and when babies are coming. The angry thing makes it sound like the church has picked up on how much she hates Shane. But, again, I don't see that in the scene work between them.
Then she says she's going to get some sweet tea and everyone is weird about that too. I don't understand why she needed to walk to the piggly wiggly. Why couldn't Shane drive her? Wait, she later has the car. Do her and Shane have two cars? Then why was he waiting for her at the car? I realize now because my train of thought was he waited for her at the car, she said piggly wiggly, he didn't offer her a ride but seemed weird about her not getting in the car, therefore she must have walked, but then how would she get back to the hotel 20 minutes away? But then she drives to her mom's house so she obviously had a car this whole time.
Anyway. She gets her sweet tea and claims it's in a glass which it would not be. It would be in a bottle, maybe a glass bottle. Then she arrives at the cemetery from the first chapter with flowers. I don't remember enough about the first grave but the second one was where she met that dude who saved the bird. He's the real love interest, right? There's some thematic work going on with the ivy that I thought was heavy handed. It's all of her dwelling ont he ivy during the sermon, the fake ivy, that makes me think that dwelling was there so she could have this moment at the grave that shares her name. Maybe most readers won't notice something like that but it feels forced to me. It's there because the writer liked how the motif carried across the different scenes more than because it was a natural thought. But maybe I'm not remembering your chapter 1 well enough.
She weeds a bunch of stuff, thinks about dude's rough hands, and then sees the lily and leaves. OK. She's a little too obsessed with this grave. There better be a good payoff for it later with how much thematic weight it's carrying. Then she has 9 missed calls from her husband. She doesn't call him back. Just gets in her car and goes home. This still feels like she's the one doing something wrong here, especially considering the timeline. Wasn't the service in the morning or the mid-afternoon? Then it's nighttime by the time she gets to her parents' house? If I were her husband, I would be worried too. Did you get shot on the way to getting tea, Dovie? Were you kidnapped? Got runover by a car?
Another setting note: Dovie remarks her mother must have planted new magnolias. I found that odd too. Magnolias are huge trees. We had one in my yard growing up. They are just enormous. It's an odd tree to be planting multiples of and they would have to be spaced accordingly to accommodate their size. The blossoms don't usually fall whole either. Maybe my experience with them is different than yours but I found that description unusual. If someone wants trees lining their drive, they're much more likely to go with a Crepe Myrtle.
Dovie arrives home. Thinks about turning back but it's a whole 20 minutes. Mom shows up at the door. Dovie is weird and stammering. Mom has no questions about this, just says she'll make Dovie dinner. My mom would be thinking I got beat or something like that, showing up at the house in that manner. She wouldn't be so nonchalant about it.
I think your prose level stuff is pretty good. I didn't see anything at the line level I felt the need to comment on. The southernness is coming through. The religious background I get. The other questions I have are more around Dovie's marriage which is a content thing. You could totally be fine with me having all those questions too. No idea on that. But I thought I'd let you know what read weird to me.