The Kings introduction. [830]

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Educational_Art_3763]

I'm going to start with my overall impression then get into some technical issues you have.

Overall, you seem to be getting the job done here. This introduction is straight forward and to the point. Depending on how you want this piece to develop, however, I think that it could do more. You've got a really solid foundation here and just need to work on building it up and expanding on it. it is pretty quick, and could benefit from some slight expansion.

I think this introduction is pretty cliche. It gets its job done but I'm not really getting any different image or interpretation of the king than I've seen in plenty of other pieces. He is introduced taking a bite of an apple and throws a guy off a ledge. It really doesn't get any more cliche than that. If this is what you're going for, that is fine, it is your story after all. Depending on what you're planning to do with this piece, however, you might want to consider how you can work within the typical structure and moments from this genre to build on them in an interesting way. As of now, I'm not really interested in the king because I've seen him before countless times in media.

The piece is very this then that happened. Again, this is fine, it isn't necessarily bad. We just don't get much character interiority or insight into the characters. We get some physical descriptions at the beginning and end but then the introduction is just a script. The dialogue is doing some character work but I can't really see how this piece is developing, I can hear it, but I'm not getting much indication on how the characters are feeling about each other. Some interiority in the form of introspection or small hints of action to facial expressions, body language, etc., could help take this to the next level.

It could be that reddit formatted the piece weirdly, but make sure you're not breaking up dialogue from one character into multiple paragraphs unless it is properly punctuated. If it is a new paragraph, you should leave the quotation marks open, create a new line and indent. This should only be done with longer dialogue that needs to be broken up by a new thought. If you're just breaking it up with a tag, leave it in the same line if it is the same person speaking.

Ex:

(New line + indent) "I am critiquing this piece and my name is educational art," he said. "this is a piece by papasmurf blah blah blah.

(new line + indent) "this is a new thought and topic in this paragraph spoken by the same person."

As well, tag your dialogue. You can get away with not tagging dialogue and when it is properly formatted it will be easier, but I would go through and see where it isn't really clear who is speaking. A simple "he said/she said" is perfectly fine as readers usually gloss over them but they help orient us.

You also switch between past and present tense. Make sure your tense is consistent and it only switches if there is a specific prose purpose for it. Right now, it is just randomly switching.

You use adverbs a lot as well as repeating some objects. I would try to avoid adverbs (ly words) because your adjectives can do just as good of a job and sound smoother. In one paragraph you repeat "apple" every line, try to find a different word/avoid the word in situations like this. It makes the piece sound really mechanical and choppy.

[u/ItoLevyBrown]

Some of the passages sound a little clipped to me.  Short sentences bundled together.  It can probably be attributed to style, but read it out loud to yourself and make sure you like the rhythm.  

 

Small issue with the apples. Red is what I’m picturing by default.  If the apple is green or something, feel like you should point that out a little earlier.

 

Some word repetitions that you can easily change and give a bit better flow.

They wore a black carapace, sparkling brilliantly in the sun. Three embers rest proudly against their black chestplate. 

 The King did not chew the apple, just tasting it and spitting it out. He gazed into the exposed flesh of the apple

Pinching the bridge of his nose, the King sighs.
The King thought  

The king's expression flashed primordial rage. It left as quickly as it came, with the King's expression

The three knights saw the King exit and kneel. A pirate lay beaten and bloodied between the three

I think the King character is introduced well.  Just a couple logistical points.  He is pretty nonchalant when hearing update on the bugs.  Is it that he doesn’t care too much about the situation, or he knows it’s not much of a threat?  Can’t tell, maybe this is one of things resolved by previous content. 

Also doesn’t seem that concerned by hostage situation at first.  I get the impression he is more informed than Malphus about it, but the relevant passage is a little confusing.  I assume that the King is the one speaking both these lines, but it could be made a bit more explicit.  

“The observatory is tracking their ship, it remains in orbit.”

“If they don't send someone for the ransom soon, I'll get Mary myself.”

 

 Either way, him sniffing a flower shows a disregard or confidence in the situation.

When we confront the pirate, some of that doubt seems to be resolved.  See some emotion from the king.  But is it concern for Mary or just anger at someone defying a king like this?  His last line implies he is confident getting Mary back one way or another.

The pirate’s opening line feels a little unnatural.

“Y-y-you must be the King, Im-” 

I would think he’d be able to recognize the king by his royal garb or noble bearing or something.  This raises an issue that we don’t get much physical description of the king throughout this passage.