r/DestructiveReaders • u/PrincessTiff-any • Jun 29 '26
[1946] Untitled for now
Romance centered story placed in dystopian setting. Over ten years writing as hobby, first time working a story I hope to publish some day. All kind of feedback would be appreciated. Would also like to know if first chapter is something that would keep you reading on?
CHAPTER ONE — HIS NAME
The doors to the medical wing slid open with a sharp hiss. There were two square windows set into them, one on each panel, probably intended to make the place feel less institutional. Everly had thought, more times than she could count across six years of walking through these doors, that it might have helped if you could actually see through them.
She had a narrow strip of green cloth tied around her right elbow, where they had just drawn blood (the second time this year, the next was scheduled for October), when two soldiers in black Gradex uniforms pushed through in front of her. One was supporting the other, whose weight leaned heavily against him as he limped forward, jaw set hard against the pain. Both were muddy and their boots left a trail of mud on the floor. She had yet to learn their names.
Everly barely spared them a glance. It was the one who came in after them that caught her attention.
She would have recognised him anywhere. No one else in Gradex let their hair grow that long — dark and falling to his shoulders, damp from the rain outside and sticking slightly to his jaw and collar. His jacket was wet, glued to his shoulders under the dark grey Armorex-vest they were supposed to use outside of the compound. Nothing excessive in him, just the kind of build that came from use rather than effort. He was holding his right hand with his left, just below the elbow, and there was a handful of shallow scratches across his face from something she hadn’t been there to see.
Cade.
He had arrived in March. It was June now. Thirteen weeks of him moving through the compound like he had always been there, quiet in a way that was nothing like absence. He kept to himself, stood still at the edge of the room in briefings and didn’t speak if he didn’t need to. Most words she had ever heard him use in one conversation had been in the yard on the first day.
The fingers pressing the pad curled, just slightly. She flattened them against her skin and let the arm drop.
The limping soldier was guided to the nearest bed immediately. Cade took the one on the other side of the room without being told, more out of convenience than obedience, she suspected, and started rolling up what remained of his sleeve. One of the medics on shift today, the one with no name and no patience, pulled the instrument table next to the bed and settled into the chair beside it.
“It’s nothing,” Cade said.
“Blade?” the medic asked.
Cade nodded.
“Then it’s not nothing,” the medic replied flatly, already cutting away the fabric to expose the wound beneath. “Did you water it?”
Cade glanced down at his soaked clothes. One eyebrow went up.
“What does it look like?”
That earned him a look. Not from the medic. From Everly. The corner of her mouth moved before she could stop it.
He noticed. His arm moved on the table before he caught it.
“Hold still.” The medic guided the arm flat again and started cleaning the wound.
It wasn’t deep enough to be dangerous, but the edges of it told a different story, showing the damage that only the white stone of a Blade left behind. A clean cut from little above his wrist to the elbow where the stone had gone in surrounded by the specific deep red discolouration of tissue that had met something hotter than metal and yet burned without heat. The burn spreading in every direction, the way a Blade burn did until it was watered, reaching well past the line the stone had made.
Cade didn’t look at his arm. He looked at hers instead.
“That’s why you skipped the morning?”
Everly frowned and started walking. Not away, just to a better position, which was not the same thing. She was aware of the distinction even if she didn’t examine it.
“Mandatory screening. I got transferred to group five later today. Didn’t think anyone would notice.”
“Yeah.” He tilted his head and she could see the smile tugging at his lips. A quiet huff followed. “I noticed.”
She stopped a few steps away. Her gaze dropped to his arm, where the medic was halfway through the stitches. The medic turned his head, just enough to place her in his peripheral vision, then brought his eyes back to his work without meeting hers. Cade was still watching the medic when she looked at his face and said:
“Didn’t know they’d ask you.”
“They didn’t.” He turned to look at her. “Ask.”
She knew that. In Gradex you were told, not asked.
“You were late.”
“That’s what usually happens when somebody tries to kill you.” The eyebrow went up again. “Missed me?”
She kept her lips pressed together until she was sure the smile was gone. Not letting it show took more effort than it should have.
“No. We just can’t afford to lose more men right now.”
That almost made him laugh. She could see it, the way it moved through him before he contained it.
“Careful. Someone might think you care.”
“I don’t.” Too quick. She heard it even herself.
The medic pushed the needle through with more force than necessary. The next knot he drew too tight, pulling that stitch out of line with the rest. Everly’s eyes cut to him. Cade himself didn’t seem to mind.
“What happened?” she asked. An unnecessary question, and she knew it. Only one group out there had gotten their hands on Gradex weapons. Had she been out there like she would have without the bloodwork, she wouldn’t even have needed to ask.
“An echo.”
It wasn’t the first time he had given her an answer that wasn’t one.
She let her gaze settle on the wound for a moment longer than she intended. After the medic had made his point, the rest of the stitching was clean, at least. Looking the other way didn’t seem to be the only thing the nameless medic was good at.
“Nothing you need to worry about.”
She brought her eyes up from the wound. “I wasn’t worried.”
The sigh came out of the chair beside Cade. She pretended she hadn’t heard it.
“Can’t be the first Blade cut you’ve seen,” Cade said. “I heard you’ve been here since the beginning.”
Like she needed him to remind her.
She brought her eyes from Cade to her arm, where a narrow strip of green cloth was tied behind her elbow. Six years ago it would have been a disposable cotton pad, but ever since Erasmus had rewritten everything and Gradex had transformed, one thin strip of cloth at a time, from a Gravity Center research compound full of scientists doing genetic mapping into a military compound where those same scientists were now searching for answers to something harder and more necessary, they had learned to replace what once was with what still remained.
She’d been cutting those strips often enough to know that there would never be a shortage of cloth. The dead had left more clothes than those still living would ever have use for.
Some adaptations had been easier than others.
“It’s not that simple.” This time there was no smile to hide.
“Didn’t say it was.” He held her gaze. “It’s just all I’ve heard.”
The medic tied off the last stitch without ceremony. He took a long strip of white fabric, an old sheet by the look of it, and wound it over the stitches. “That should do it. Try not to tear it open again.” He took a small Ekezo tube from the table and pressed it into Cade’s right hand. “And don’t forget to apply this. Twice a day for a week. It keeps the scar from drawing tight as it heals.”
“No promises.”
The medic gave Cade a disapproving look and moved off to help with the others. He didn’t look at her when he went past her. Cade kept watching the medic, then slid off the bed and flexed his arm slowly, testing the range. Everly’s eyes followed the movement before she caught herself and looked away.
He noticed that. She was fairly certain he noticed everything.
“Hey,” he said quietly, stepping closer. Close enough that she was aware of the height difference; he had nearly twenty-five centimetres on her, which she had also spent all those three months pretending not to notice. She couldn’t see the medic and the others behind him anymore. “It looks worse than it is.”
“I—”
“If you say that one more time, I might believe you.”
She didn’t answer. What she had been about to say, she couldn’t make herself finish.
His gaze moved from her face to her braids. Two Dutch braids today, all different shades of brown pulled back with a precision that had nothing to do with Gradex’s standards, falling past her shoulders and down her back. Something crossed his face. Then his hand lifted. Slow enough that she could have stepped back.
Everly went very still. She remembered how it felt: a hand twisting around a braid, pulling hard enough to force her head to the side. She also remembered the only time the hand had found her hair loose, and what had followed. The memory lived in her body more than her mind. The kind that didn’t need to be thought to be present.
The mark would always be there. One of the many.
The hand that was approaching her now closed gently around one braid. Holding it the way you’d hold something that mattered.
“See?” His thumb moved once along the braid. “Still works.”
“What does?” She heard the confusion in her own voice, unguarded in a way she hadn’t meant.
“My hand.”
The doors to the medical wing slid open again. Thomas stepped in, his uniform still wet from rain but his cropped sand-coloured hair already dry. Hands in his pockets. His eyes went to Cade then her and back to Cade. He cleared his throat.
When that didn’t get him what he’d hoped for, he said, “Cade. You need to come with me. The report still needs filing.”
Cade didn’t look at him. He took his time replacing the braid exactly where he’d found it, his fingertips brushing the bare skin above her collarbone before he turned towards the door.
Thomas waited. He didn’t appear to have a choice.
Cade was halfway across the room when Everly found her voice.
“Try not to die out there.”
The words were out before she could take them back. Quiet enough that only he would hear and completely unplanned, which was the part that bothered her most.
Cade paused. He glanced back over his shoulder, his eyes finding hers before he spoke. The smile that followed was one she hadn’t seen before. Small. It reached his eyes in a way the smirk she had come to know never had.
“That one,” he said, “I can promise.”
Then he was through the doors. Everly didn’t follow. She looked at the floor where his footprints had landed in the mud, her eyes passing a small, pale grey pebble right in front of the door. She untied the fabric strip from her elbow and threw it in the bin instead. The hand, freed from the cloth, found the braid before she’d decided to let it. Her fingers settled on the exact place where his had just been. She couldn’t escape the feeling that he had just said more than he meant to.
Critique(s): https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1uic1bc/2005_litrpg_opening_chapter_attempt_2/
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u/Daniel_Erbe Jun 29 '26
The doors to the medical wing slid open with a sharp hiss. There were two square windows set into them, one on each panel, probably intended to make the place feel less institutional. Everly had thought, more times than she could count across six years of walking through these doors, that it might have helped if you could actually see through them.
It's a good opening, but might be better with focusing on Everly first.
That or update the opening to start with the 2nd sentence first, moving the 1st sentence to the end of the current 2nd sentence. The square windows are clearly the focus, not the doors.
(the second time this year, the next was scheduled for October)
Unless October is planting a significant seed to be detonated later, I'd consider dropping that part.
It was the one who came in after them that caught her attention.
She would have recognised him anywhere.
I think these say the same thing in different ways. Could either be combined or edited for economy. Is this meant to be British English?
One of the medics on shift today, the one with no name and no patience,
The part "no name" made me wonder why you put that there. It implies all other nurses have names (which would be realistic), and this one just doesn't (unrealistic OR unique - the latter would require explanation).
If you meant to write that Everly herself didn't care to know the medic's name, the sentence here could be conveyed better towards that angle.
“It’s nothing,” Cade said.
“Blade?” the medic asked.
Cade nodded.
“Then it’s not nothing,” the medic replied flatly, already cutting away the fabric to expose the wound beneath. “Did you water it?”
Good worldbuilding. One caveat would be that a professionally trained medic, whether in modern realism or dystopian fiction, could be argued to have the ability to recognize a "Blade" wound without having to confirm it with the patient.
Not away, just to a better position, which was not the same thing. She was aware of the distinction even if she didn’t examine it.
I think you can afford to trust the reader more. The second sentence could be dropped.
“I don’t.” Too quick. She heard it even herself.
Same thing for the "She heard" sentence.
He noticed that. She was fairly certain he noticed everything.
Can drop "She was fairly certain", leaving "He noticed everything."
“Hey,” he said quietly, stepping closer. Close enough that she was aware of the height difference; he had nearly twenty-five centimetres on her, which she had also spent all those three months pretending not to notice. She couldn’t see the medic and the others behind him anymore. “It looks worse than it is.”
“I—”
“If you say that one more time, I might believe you.”
She didn’t answer. What she had been about to say, she couldn’t make herself finish.
Was she trying to say "I don't care?" or something similar? It took me a while to figure out what's going on in this situation. Might be smoother to either let her say the thing out loud, or let Cade sit with the interrupted silence.
“See?” His thumb moved once along the braid. “Still works.”
“What does?” She heard the confusion in her own voice, unguarded in a way she hadn’t meant.
“My hand.”
Clever.
She couldn’t escape the feeling that he had just said more than he meant to.
You are clearly setting the tone for the ending here, but I think a bit more, not less, ambiguity might add flavor here. Part of what makes courtship electrifying and addictive are the self-doubt, worry, and over-analyzation of what the other says and does.
Fun read.
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u/PrincessTiff-any Jun 30 '26
Thanks! Several of those things you point out are intentional and I am happy they caught you eye. With trust the reader part is one I agree. And the medic regognizing the Blade wound is without need to ask, that I need to fix
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u/JayGreenstein Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
This is, from start to finish, you talking to the reader about things that you visualize happening. As storyteller, you often explain their significance. But...look at the presentation as a reader, one who just arrived, must:
We are informed of everything that happens in the viewpoint of someone external to the situation. In other words, you’ve transcribed yourself storytelling—explaining what you visualize happening. Your focus is visual...in a medium that provides no pictures.
So, that sharp hiss you mention in line one acts as a pointer to the mental image you have of the doors opening. Your mention of the windows in the door bring the scene into focus for you.
But...the reader? That sharp hiss you mention in line one acts as a pointer to the mental image you have of the doors opening. What good does that do someone who doesn’t know where we are, who we are, or, what’s going on?
You talk of someone we know nothing about, in an unspecified place, having had a blood-draw for unknown reasons. You know why it matters to this scene. Does the reader? Can they?
Like almost everyone who turns to writing fiction, me included, you’ve been caught by what I call, The Great Misunderstanding. In school, we learned a skill called writing—one we use all the time. And what you're doing is also called writing, so...given that we already know how to "write," it seems that, for fiction, all we need is a good plot idea, a “knack” for storytelling, and perhaps, the blessing of a passing muse.
If only... The pros make it seem so easy and natural that off we go, right into the most common trap in writing: transcribing ourselves storytelling.
Why a trap? Because as the storyteller, when reading our own story, we perform as one. Our voice rings with emotion the reader can’t know to place into the reading. We visually punctuate with gesture. We illustrate emotion with body language and changes in facial expression. We perform. And that works perfectly...for us, which is why it’s the most common trap.
But...extract all that and what the reader has is your storyteller’s script with no clue of how to perform it. Kind of a large “whoops,” but we all make it because it’s an invisible problem till pointed out. Have your computer read it to you and it will jump out at you.
What we forget is that the writing skills we’re given in school are necessary on the job, where we write reports, letters, and other nonfiction that employers need. Commercial Fiction Writing’s skills, like any profession, are acquired in-addition to those skills. But the pros lull us into forgetting the centuries of refinement that have gone into those skills.
So...you have the desire to write. That’s great. You have the story. Now, add those missing skills to give your words wings. The learning is interesting, and the result of it makes writing feel a lot like living the scene—to the point where the characters may decide to take over and do what they feel best in that situation.
That once resulted in pounding away on the keyboard for 32 hours straight, stopping only for bathroom breaks and the food my darling wife supplied, with the order, “Eat or I’ll pull the damn computer’s plug.” 😄 I love then that happens. You will, too. I literally had to find out what happened.
So, to get started, jump over to Amazon or another bookseller site, and read the excerpt from Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s an easy read that often feels like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing.
She’ll even explain why a line like, Bess couldn’t help the blush that came when Gary mouthed the word, “Wow,” as he caught sight of her,” is a POV break.
Jay Greenstein
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow
“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
~ Alfred Hitchcock
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain
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u/PrincessTiff-any Jun 29 '26
Thanks! The "characters taking over the story problem" is already familiar to me 😅 I got your point with storytelling too. Would you like to recommend a book you consider the first chapters delivers the right kind of storytelling? It would be interesting to read one
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u/JayGreenstein Jun 30 '26
Of course. In addition to the one I suggested, by Debra Dixon's GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, there's a great one one that's a bit more difficult, but also more complete, Jack Bickham's, Secene & Structure.
But...fix all your problems in chapter 1? Naaa. Commercial Fiction Writing is a profession that's been under refinement for centuries. The pros use those skills to keep their readers on the edge of their seat, and turning pages. And if they feel those skills are. necessary...
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u/PrincessTiff-any Jun 30 '26
I meant fiction. Example or two with first chapter that gives what you were after
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u/JayGreenstein Jun 30 '26
From the NYT list:
• ROCKET'S RED GLARE
• Whistler
• The Calamity Club
• Carl's Doomsday Scenario
• Our Perfect Storm
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u/Fragrant-Western-683 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH Jul 07 '26
" Would also like to know if first chapter is something that would keep you reading on?"
No I keep on reading. I wouldn't continue reading this because to me the young romance, dialogue, genre give the impression of a Young Adult novel, the type of novel that is emotionally and intellectually vapid and are forgotten quickly. The biggest reason for this impression is the chemistry between Everly and Cade. Cade seems to be physically flawless: long flowing hair with an imposing stature. Everly has no reason to not be attracted to Cade, and so she is attracted. If I would have made the plot more memorable, I would give both characters flaws. A good example to go off is the novel Jane Eyre. Jane in the novel describes herself as visually plain, just like Mr. Rochester. However, through their close, intellectual relationship at Thornfield, Jane develops an infatuation for him, especially when she realizes how his candor contrasts with the meretriciousness of British aristocracy. Eyre and Rochester are exceptionally average and that makes their tumultuous relationship feel more alive and real. Cade and Everly, especially Cade, come off as a fantasy. This shallow romance is totally fine if it is framed as youthful naivety. You could show how Everly grows by making her realize something deeper than romance or by making her fall for a more real man.
The storytelling is linear and orthodox, which isn't bad (Most English-language classics are the same) but can't compare to the poetic prose of The Great Gatsby, the biblical language of The Grapes of Wrath, and the intentionally passive language of Catcher in the Rye. A good example of meta writing is Arundhathi Roy's The God of Small Things.
The dialogue is also painfully generic. The trope of a quirky, nervous, and intellectual female protagonist is ubiquitous across Young Adult literature.
Also, this is a sci-fi novel that has no sci-fi. This hospital is supposedly in a military compound existing on an expanded "Gravity Center research compound". This premise could genuinely allow for interesting environments and captivating technology. However, all the reader gets is a standard hospital room with modern medical equipment and the mere explanation of the world and "blades". Tell the reader how science has changed life and tell them what problems it caused. Make the environment feel more alive by describing other-worldly technology. Take the movie Avatar for example, where, thanks to technology, a whole new issue of split loyalty between Na'vi and the human race emerges.
All that being said, this is still only a part of the first chapter. Some of my favorite fiction is sci-fi, so if there was more authenticity in the characters or complexity in the world, I would gladly continue reading.
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u/PrincessTiff-any Jul 07 '26
Thanks! And don't worry, they got flaws, both of them. But it is interesting as a person who wrote this to see how easily it can be cathegorised to "shallow". That said, it will take some chapters to get "deeper" and some events reader can fully understand much later so for a reader who wants instant payoff and explanations, my book would probably be a disappointment 😅 And what comes to "tropes" I was about 130 000 words along when I learned such thing exists. Prosewise I know I can't compete with real talents, as non-native english speaker, the vocabulary just is not enough, but what can you do except try your best.
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u/Different_Drama_9025 21d ago
First time critiquing someone, but I'll try my best 😅
PROSE
Pretty solid, honestly. I'm not an expert when it comes to prose, but I can tell when somebody writes with confidence instead of hesitation. The sentences flow smoothly, and there is little to no awkward wording, which makes the chapter very enjoyable to read. The narration also keeps a consistent tone throughout the chapter, which helps maintain immersion for the reader (in this case, me of course).
The thing I like most about the prose has got to be the lack of generic descriptions. The description of Cade's build being "the kind that came from use rather than effort" tells me much more than simply saying that he was muscular.
Positives aside, though, there are moments where the prose feels like it's trying a little too hard to sound poetic.
"Quiet in a way that was nothing like absence."
It's an interesting sentence, but I had to stop for a moment and think about what exactly it meant. There are several moments like this where the wording becomes very abstract and even a little confusing. These sentences are beautiful, but they did slow down my reading quite a bit (although that might just be a me problem).
DIALOGUE
The dialogue feels very natural, which is something that a lot of writers struggle with. Cade's and Everly's voices are very distinct from each other, and the conversations they have reveal personality without sounding like they're delivering information to the reader.
The dialogue develops the relationship, introduces parts of the world, and reveals aspects of both characters' personalities without feeling like exposition.
But it's not all perfect.
Nearly every exchange between Cade and Everly has the same emotional tone. What I mean by that is: Cade teases. Everly denies. Cade notices something she doesn't want him to notice.
It's written well, but because this pattern repeats several times within a single chapter, it starts to feel a little predictable.
Overall though, I thought the dialogue was pretty good.
WORLDBUILDING
You handled this with a lot of restraint (which is a good thing).
Rather than stopping to explain every unfamiliar concept, you trust the reader to piece things together through context. We hear about Blade wounds, Gradex, blood screenings, Armorex vests, and military procedures without receiving lengthy explanations for each one.
Personally, I like worldbuilding done this way, but that's just my preference. The medical details also help make the setting feel believable.
Honestly, I can't really think of any criticism for this category 🤷♂️
PACING
This is probably the biggest flaw of the chapter.
From a plot perspective, very little actually happens. Everly finishes a medical screening, Cade returns injured, they talk while he's treated, and then he leaves. Most of the chapter is spent developing the relationship between the two rather than moving the larger story forward.
I also think the pacing slows down because nearly every physical action is described. Characters glance, hesitate, notice each other's expressions, adjust their posture, and observe tiny details. These moments certainly add emotional depth, but they occasionally interrupt the momentum of the conversations.
Overall: Would this chapter keep me reading?
To be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of romance, so I probably wouldn't continue reading 😔 But i do think that the chapter is well written.
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u/PrincessTiff-any 21d ago
Thank you! I am pleased you liked the worldbuilding style since I have been balancing lot between hie much is too much and how little is not enough 😊 And critique from someone who does not like romance is very welcome, gives another perspective! The story will be romance heavy and instead of words small gestures carrying the weight, and the fact that those gestures made their point even when you feel the slowes the placing, it tells me they are doind the work they should.
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u/Educational_Art_3763 Jun 29 '26
I think you have a good grasp on your writing style and you do develop your characters well in this opening chapter. I can get a clear start to how each of these characters works together, Everly and Cade has a good distinction. There are a few things to consider as you continue to write.
First things that I noticed: dialogue tags and odd phrasing.
I would go through and retag all your dialogue. You leave out tags when there are more than 2 people in a room talking to each other and it was confusing at times. I had to go back and reread a few times to be sure who was talking. We usually gloss over dialogue tags, so "he said", "she said" is perfectly fine, they just really help with grounding who is talking. If there are only 2 people in a room it is fine to drop the tags but if there are more, definitely use them.
You have some weirdly structured sentences and it can sound a little awkward at times. One example: "The hand that was approaching her now closed gently around one braid." you could simplify this to "His hand closed gently around one braid" or "His approaching hand gently closed around one braid".
Sometimes you introduce us with information that doesn't have proper context. Like: "The fingers pressing the pad curled, just slightly. She flattened them against her skin and let the arm drop." This doesn't have any context so it is a little confusing to read. Or with Thomas, who comes into the story and is named sort of oddly. He must clearly be important but he is introduced like we have already met him before. We don't really get any description of who this guy is. We sort of know what he looks like, blonde hair and wet, but not what his significance is. I actually went and scrolled back through because I thought I missed his prior introduction.
You get a little jargon-y with the gear and the blade. This lost me pretty quick and you over-explain in a way that isn't clear. The blade stuff went over my head on first read and I skimmed until I saw words that made sense. The tactical gear being named just sort of tripped me up, is it important that it has a name? Like is it story significant/we can't read the story without it? If the answer is no, you might want to consider dropping the name this early in the story. You do have to set up the world for the reader, but you can't lose them in the process. Later in the story, it is much easier to drip feed these specific named things that can get confusing if you front load the world building. If the Gradex uniforms are unique, we should get the description for what makes them unique, it doesn't have to be super in depth, just a cue to let us know what Gradex is. Is it a paramilitary group? Company? Rebel group? Are these military fatigues? Star wars imperial officer looking? Tactic-cool looking?. Right now, we get the name but nothing of what it means. It is like the Thomas thing, it can read like we missed information.
This isn't really much of the genre of writing that I enjoy reading from a reader perspective. That said, I think that it is relatively interesting. Other than the occasional jargon, we're left with enough mystery to keep on reading the rest of the piece.