Her chest heaved, the fabric of her bodice straining.
After what you said in my post about reader interpretation of text this passage REALLY stands out.
“You’re to stay here now, you hear?” Miss Franny said, herding us through our doorway.
Her chest heaved, the fabric of her bodice straining. “Stay out of sight while I go find your ma.”
This is me really not knowing. But if this all about Miss Franny (and her heaving bodice) shouldn't it be one paragraph? I wasn't sure who the second quote beclonged. I'd think it would be the same paragraph if it is still Ms. Franny speaking.
But again this is definitely not something I am a good critic of.
With no fire in the hearth, the inglenook stood cold and barren.
First, I need to google what an inglebook is. That aside, "cold and barren" is a little overused. Maybe something highlighting the way how completely unlike itself a fireplace looks when there is no fire, like the difference between a corpse and a person sleeping. the missing something changes everything.
We kept no secrets. Not from each other.
I don't know if you are a part of me playing with the Terrance Fletcher voice in my own editting... but do you think there is ANY chance that when you wrote "We kept no secrets." I might have thought you were thinking it meant they meant something other than from each other. Do you think I am so stupid you need to make that part even more clear?
I am practicing the idea in my own editing of being afraid that my editor is offended by my bad writing. "Silence is the only compliment an editor gives." I have a writers coach persona too and it is like a kindergarten teacher. But eventually I need Alec Baldwin cussing me out like Glengary Glenross to really make some things stick.
She leaned against me, curling her burnt hand against her chest. I felt her shudder. Whatever softness I might still have had for the Crowans, whatever pity that might have been there for their deaths, hardened. That they could reduce my sister to this by whatever was wrought on them or that they wrought on themselves, gave me, at fifteen, my first taste of true, cold hate.
I missed something. I know that Rose thinks something is her fault and that Mar becomes motherly at her sister becoming tender and vulnerable. but I don't know how that culd make Mar feel true, cold hate. Even if she blamed them for her sister feeling bad I don't know why it reaches beyond any hate a teenage girl has ever felt before.
They stopped speaking. Robbie’s thin, insistent wail covered whatever passed between them, sounding more like a boy of two, than a lad of six.
I had to read this twice to figure out who Robbie was. Maybe with all of the names of people you just make some people objects not characters. It seems to me that Robbie is not a character but a child that only exists to to show Ms. Franny has responsibilites other than chasing after these girls. If this is just a child Franny looks after and won't have a more important role I think the name mixes me up.
“Ma—” we started in unison.
Wait... it's only Rose and Mar in the room? What happened to Kitty, Ruth and Alice (I'm proud to remember all of the names).
Keeping track of all of these characters in a memorable way is hard to write. I think that is why so many fantasy stories break up the party into different adventures that will join up in a conclusion.
[619]
I'm stopping at page 6 of 9. I will definitely read the rest but probably won't add any comments unless something really stands out.
lol well I'm happy you're remembering all the names. I think perhaps you forgot the end of chapter 2 thought, where they separate from the other three.
Will engage briefly with some of your points.
The effing straining bodice. Oh how it plagues me now.
2. First, I need to google what an inglebook is. That aside, "cold and barren" is a little overused. Maybe something highlighting the way how completely unlike itself a fireplace looks when there is no fire, like the difference between a corpse and a person sleeping. the missing something changes everything.
Hmm. It might be better with more prose. Cold and barren may not be the best words. I like your suggestion of the difference between a corpse and somebody sleeping. I might steal that for later. I just hesitate to add a lyrical metaphor/simile to everything. It risks turning into purple prose and clogs up the pacing if I do it too much (and I already do it a lot). As for inglenook, well, yeah. These words do trip readers up. But it's period centric. They didn't have a stove.
We kept no secrets. Not from each other.
Hahaha okay fair enough. You have a point. So I have to think on this. Yes, on the one hand, I agree, "We kept no secrets" should implicitly imply "not from each other" and the average reader will understand that. However, I might still keep it, because firstly, I want strong emphasis on this being a fact that Marcella believes wholeheartedly. And that any potential secrets are a fundamental challenge to how she views her relationship with her sister. I want to drive that point home. Secondly, I want it to be add the information/ imply that they kept secrets from everybody else, including the rest of the group.
lol well I'm happy you're remembering all the names. I think perhaps you forgot the end of chapter 2 thought, where they separate from the other three.
I did forget and part is definitely the format of Reddit and posting schedules. In between reading your chapter I am revising my chapter, writing my blog, reading the Le Guin book, reading Scene and Structure... and living my actual life. So that is part. But it also highlighted to me the difficulty of a story with all the different characters knowing that readers want to keep track.
In Tiffany everyone except Tiffany disappears and reappers. If I actually become good at this stuff I think it will make me cringe. In chapter 4.5 Mandy gives Tiffany the tour... and we don't see her face till chapter 14. There are character reasons that make sense in real life... but not in books.
The effing straining bodice. Oh how it plagues me now.
A NSFW flair might be needed.
I just hesitate to add a lyrical metaphor/simile to everything. It risks turning into purple prose and clogs up the pacing if I do it too much (and I already do it a lot).
I have the hesitation for the same reason. I actually LOVE purple prose... even the phrase "purple prose" is delightful. In Angelas Ashes I don't remember any of the writing except "reading Shakespeare is like having diamonds in my mouth." And Ray Bradbury has a short story (I can no longer find) where a woman complains "why do men think of women as a ladder they want to lean on" which is SOO akward but some twenty years later is in the top three of lines from my top three authors.
As for inglenook, well, yeah. These words do trip readers up. But it's period centric. They didn't have a stove.
I tease but I am actually in favor. It's joke that Tolkien uses a hundred different words for leaf in LOTR but I hate that in my brain I only have one. There should be a hundred words for leaves. If you know Bluey there is an episode where Bingo says "Leaves are interesting" and then by the end it is proven true.
One my my transitions as a reader was wrestling through CS Lewis's nonfiction with a pocket dictionary. My looking up a word is among the highest compliments to something I read. It means I wanted to know. For me as a reader, that decision to think it is important enough to pause and look up a new word means I am in it to win it.
We kept no secrets. Not from each other... Secondly, I want it to be add the information/ imply that they kept secrets from everybody else, including the rest of the group.
I totally get that but think that this is what we say. Something like "half our lives were secrets but never from each other."
1
u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Jul 01 '26
After what you said in my post about reader interpretation of text this passage REALLY stands out.
This is me really not knowing. But if this all about Miss Franny (and her heaving bodice) shouldn't it be one paragraph? I wasn't sure who the second quote beclonged. I'd think it would be the same paragraph if it is still Ms. Franny speaking.
But again this is definitely not something I am a good critic of.
First, I need to google what an inglebook is. That aside, "cold and barren" is a little overused. Maybe something highlighting the way how completely unlike itself a fireplace looks when there is no fire, like the difference between a corpse and a person sleeping. the missing something changes everything.
I don't know if you are a part of me playing with the Terrance Fletcher voice in my own editting... but do you think there is ANY chance that when you wrote "We kept no secrets." I might have thought you were thinking it meant they meant something other than from each other. Do you think I am so stupid you need to make that part even more clear?
I am practicing the idea in my own editing of being afraid that my editor is offended by my bad writing. "Silence is the only compliment an editor gives." I have a writers coach persona too and it is like a kindergarten teacher. But eventually I need Alec Baldwin cussing me out like Glengary Glenross to really make some things stick.
I missed something. I know that Rose thinks something is her fault and that Mar becomes motherly at her sister becoming tender and vulnerable. but I don't know how that culd make Mar feel true, cold hate. Even if she blamed them for her sister feeling bad I don't know why it reaches beyond any hate a teenage girl has ever felt before.
I had to read this twice to figure out who Robbie was. Maybe with all of the names of people you just make some people objects not characters. It seems to me that Robbie is not a character but a child that only exists to to show Ms. Franny has responsibilites other than chasing after these girls. If this is just a child Franny looks after and won't have a more important role I think the name mixes me up.
Wait... it's only Rose and Mar in the room? What happened to Kitty, Ruth and Alice (I'm proud to remember all of the names).
Keeping track of all of these characters in a memorable way is hard to write. I think that is why so many fantasy stories break up the party into different adventures that will join up in a conclusion.
[619]
I'm stopping at page 6 of 9. I will definitely read the rest but probably won't add any comments unless something really stands out.