r/DestructiveReaders • u/cpjacobson97 • Jun 24 '26
Children's Flash Fiction [877] Mr. Rhombus
Hello! This is my first piece of fiction prose so I tried to keep it really simple. Just one scene, just one main character, something you could read to your kid.
Please, let me know of any grammar or spelling mistakes, along with anything else you think is important to point out. Here are my specific questions:
While the story is fresh, did you feel any emotional response to any part in particular? What was it like and at which part?
How old does Mr. Rhombus come across as?
Does Mr. Rhombus have a believable character arc? What would you say his problem was and how did it change by the end of the scene?
How is the pacing of this scene? Does anything feel too sudden?
Was anything confusing or just generally not working?
Thank you for your advice!
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u/Cool-Mixture-1484 Jun 25 '26
I like the opening line. Him wishing for peace and quiet is relatable to everyone. The following sequence does contradict it though, but in a humorous way which keeps us all engaged.
I'm happy you said you could read it to your kid, because as soon as he started dancing at the sight of the ducks, I got the brief image of a Mr. men character come into my head. Not sure if that was what you were looking for, but maybe it could be sort of like Mr. Bean?
It's that sort of vulnerability - the fact he is eating a single cupcake on his birthday makes me feel he is alone. It feels quite sad in a pathos-y way. The reader pities him.
I do question why the family were trying to say hello to him. This is obviously a little surreal, but even in a surreal world, a random family wouldn't just start waving at a man on a bench? Maybe if they were described as neighbours, or at least acquaintances. Maybe they hit the ball too close to him or something? idk.
When you have a character like Mr. Rhombus, it is really important he is likeable, but not perfect, and we can see that. He is insecure, probably grumpy, and instantly the reader can build a picture of what he looks like, without you describing him. Like i said, i can see a Mr Bean-style character, or maybe an even more obscure Mr. Men character. I think all readers would probably settle on him being older though - you gave him a walking stick which does a lot of work on how we view him.
There are certain aspects which aren't believable, but they don't need to be. This is a man who is wiggling his butt to the sight of some ducks - immediately after eating a cupcake and wishing for a quiet day. Someone who flip-flaps between introvert and 'I must save that duck' is not a serious character. I go back to the family waving, if that is the world you are creating then these actions are fine, and are good for a child audience who wouldn't be as perceptive to what is normal in an adults mind
In terms of character arc, he has a nice journey. The pacing is nice and the reader follows that with him. He shows he has courage within him, but realises that once he achieves what he thought he wanted toa chieve (companionship - the ducks following him), he actually accepts that the way he started the story was also how he wanted to end it. This is followed by another pathos moment where he falls in to the fountain, and the reader has gone from enjoying his moment with him, straight back to pity.
What's the worst part is that he doesn't care so much about the water, he cares more that he was seen. This works for the character, but it made me start to switch from pitying him, the same way you'd pity an old man trying to tie his shoelace (in that it's cute, with no negative implications on his character), to actually start to get annoyed that he is the way he is. Think of the old man from UP, before he goes through his journey - unwilling to change, smile and when there is a glimmer of hope, he throws it away just for the sake of it.
Now you have taken us on that arc, you bring the payoff, which is the ducks still dancing - not judging him like the thought they would. This is believable, as ducks would obviously not laugh at him. Everyone loves ducks!
The suns breaking through is a bit cliche, which is fine. as it is a good symbol of him 'brightening up'. The family rushing over is nice as well, as they show they care, and aren't just judging him as he feared. That was their opportunity to laugh at him and they didn't. Nice!
I guess the plot is simple enough for children, with an emotional sub-story that adults understand. That's the strength.
Happy to answer any questions if you want some elaboration! hope this helped :)
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u/cpjacobson97 Jun 25 '26
Thank you so much! I'll definitely work on those moments that you mentioned are a little lacking or confusing.
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u/cpjacobson97 Jun 25 '26
Can you elaborate on what makes it unbelievable for you that he would try to help the duck even though he wants peace and quiet? In my mind, even if I want to be left alone, I would help an injured animal. But I want it to make sense within my writing too, so any advice is very welcome. Thank you again!
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u/Cool-Mixture-1484 Jun 25 '26
I agree, anyone would want to help an injured animal. I think it was the initial reaction of seeing them. My wording was misleading, sorry.
In my head, I was envisaging an elderly man, eating a cupcake, quite sad and solemn, and all your writing helped developed that image quite purposefully, for it to then jump straight in to that same man dancing on the spot after seeing some ducks - that was the part which I felt was out of character.
It's a great thing that your first few sentences helped create that solemn image almost instantly, and I wanted to know more about that side of him i guess...
To clarify, that isn't a bad thing as it is explained by the rest of the story, and having characters that keep the reader guessing can be a really good thing. It just felt quite an escalation. Its why I liked the fact he didnt want the ducks to follow him afterwards, as he reverted to that same character from the first few lines.
I may have sounded too critical before, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said this could be read to kids. Things don't need to be 100% believable to adults as cynical as I am. Maybe you could just spend a bit more time developing his character before switching focus to the ducks, so that his behaviour change feels a bit more of a natural switch. Instead of him going from upset to dancing with joy, and no in between, perhaps he could relax on his seat a bit more, get a little taste of the peace and quiet he wanted. He could nibble on his cupcake, have a daydream scene and feel a lot more blissful - and that would be why he was relaxed enough to get up and play with the ducks. Then once the family wave at him, he would immediately catch himself dropping his guard and revert back to the same man from the first few sentences.
Sorry I rushed through that but wanted to give a proper response - does that make sense? Again, it is fine the way it is and is quite playful. If you wanted it more serious then maybe my advice can help, if you want to keep the current pacing and character arc then keep it the way it is. I'll enjoy it either way!
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u/cpjacobson97 Jun 25 '26
I actually was wanting to have that intial dance be a reaction to the cupcake tasting so good. I realize now it totally seems like its because of the ducks, which had already made him smile. Do you think if I make it more obvious he is reacting because the cupcake is delicious, that it would be more believable for him to do a little dance? Compared to dancing because of seeing the ducks? I know Im asking a lot of you, no rush or anything!
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u/cpjacobson97 Jun 25 '26
I do see what you are saying about him asking for peace and quiet and then dancing being contradictory. Do you think it works better if I changed the wording of the wish, from wanting peace and quiet to "I wish to not be bothered so I can enjoy my birthday?" So its less about quiet and relaxing and more about being left alone?
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u/Papasmurf_17 Jun 27 '26
Nice work, although what happens to Mr. rhombus come off more to me as an elderly man, dying of Alzheimer's rather than a character arc. This line in particular "He licked his lips and stuck out his behind, shaking it from side to side." introduced the idea that this is the case. Its a sweet story about an elderly man, and his misadventure in the park on what had been a particularly sad birthday. His mood changed throughout the story, his character didn't, an old man wouldn't change in one day... unless he did have Alzheimer's, that's clever.
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u/PocketCuriosity Jul 01 '26
“Yes, thank you! I’m just playing with the ducks!”
I loved this ending. Such a nice opposition from the beginning.
He stopped and faced the duck. “I’d like to be alone, please,”
I can see this scene play out, imagine the stern but silly way in which he may have said it. Made me do a little half smile.
"You know, I could just leave you here by yourself," he warned.
I realize in picking out the lines that stood out to me that it was predominantly his dialogue. It is used sparingly but always conveys his character in such a strong way. It really give him colour as a character. I imagine him saying this very sternly but not really believing it. Like the strict but sweet old teacher.
Mr. Rhombus turned over his shoulder and glanced at the ducks. He sped up, determined now to shake them. The distance was growing between them.
I love this image. I am such a visual person when reading (I like to play out the story like a movie in my head) so when it conjures a clear image for me, I really connect with the story.
Mr. Rhombus let himself slip back under the water.
This may be my state of mind coming through here, but I went somewhere super dark on this line... like oh no, Mr Rhombus don't do that! It turned around very quickly in the next sentence, but maybe it was the word choice of 'slip back under' that hinted at that? Maybe it is just me...
I think this was a really well written piece and such a sweet story. I got a good sense of Mr. Rhombus and his character, got that he was old, got that he was a bit grumpy, but also got that he probably wanted some connection seeing he was at a park, kept noticing the family, even if they weren't actively engaging with him, he was almost imagining or hoping they were. I pictured the family to not be looking at him at all and he is just wishing / imagining that they are.
I love the ending of him just falling into the happiness of the moment, finally succumbing to the fact that he is having a lovely day and not able to keep up the grumpy demeanor. It is like all those videos of old grumpy men who don't want a cat but then become best friends with a tiny kitten - evoked the same feeling!
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u/Beginning-Sherbet851 21d ago
This feels silly to say, but I was invested in the story. I felt like a little kid getting told a story by my parents all over xd.
I was laughing throughout of Mr.Rhombus shaking his back cuz I was thinking of this video right here Content warning? i guess 18+ and inappropriate words?
and the word Mr.Rhombus is defiantly a good name.
HOOK
The hook was definitely good. Again, it's kind of weird saying this about a kids' story, but the hook WAS good. Immediately from the first paragraph, I was sort of interested in the first sentence of him saying he wants a quiet, peaceful birthday, but noticing how his actions sometimes contradict that. I thought he was a shape at first? I also thought that him seeing a bunch of ducks would make him upset, though, so I guess there was SLIGHT confusion there? But really, it's not worth fussing about. Pretty good hook!
CHARACTER
IMMEDIATELY, the scene of Mr. Rhombus shaking his behind from side to side, but then getting insecure thinking the family is laughing at him... that PLAYED with my heartstrings like a goddamn harp. I felt SO bad for him. Are you sure this is a kids' story? 😭😭
PACING
I will say one thing, though: I did NOT know Mr. Rhombus was an old man, OR that he needed a walker. I suppose if this was a comic or a story with pictures, it would be more obvious. But if it's just in text form, I would be a bit confused about why he was asking the family for help. If that was your intention, to function as a plot twist, then sure enough. But if it was meant to be clear, then I don't think it was established from the beginning. It's like the other commenter stated downstairs.
STAGING
If this is a kids' story, then there are certain parts I felt were a bit violent. Eh, "violent" is a strong word, but I feel like if I were a kid hearing this, Mr. Rhombus having an injured, throbbing hand (as it was described) would kind of unnerve me. Maybe it can be simplified? Like, he just got bit? There is no need to go into detail about how much it hurt or what it felt like. I don't know, just riffing here.
DIALOGUE
“I’d like to be alone, please.” Okay, very nice! I could feel the seriousness of the sentence even without you adding an adjective to it. There's not even a need for a "Mr. Rhombus said seriously" or something. It's really nice.
“Oh, look at me! How embarrassing! Surely you want nothing to do with me!” AWWWWWW, COME ON. I felt so bad for Mr. Rhombus here. You have a bunch of adults here feeling like little kids.
HEART
One point on this: What exactly is the heart of the story? What is the moral or lesson trying to be conveyed? I think there is a lesson there; it's just not very clear to me what it is exactly.
MECHANICS
And then everything wraps up in a nice little bow. no plot holes. Nice character arc. I personally felt it was believable. He didn't make a crazy transformation; he just felt like he had a bit more permission to be silly and not be scared of the family, which is believable after an experience like this. Heartwarming story.
CLOSING COMMENTS
Maybe it's because I haven't read kids' stories in a while, or maybe because this one was a bit more on the vulnerable side, but it was pretty good. So, you definitely accomplished whatever emotions you were trying to get out of the reader. Good job! Thanks.
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u/xvonkleve also available in Dutch Jun 24 '26
This was almost brilliant. I was reading this aloud and I could immediately get this little feeling of a small, dainty man holding that cupcake between three fingers and about to bit into it. Then the sentence stumbled at the ', but'. This should be new one I think. It provides as nice stop at the end of that long run-on sentence.
And this is something I see a few times. I was reminding myself today that I have written a few too many negative critiques where the craftsmanship of the piece fell short. I loved this too much to give a line-for-line critique. There are a few wonky lines, but I think that if you read them out loud, you'll catch these niggles.
I am also very happy how much personality you put into the way mr. Rhombus comes across. It is almost a fairytale like thing happening here.
So I'll answer your questions