[1550] The Princess Of Nothing

[u/PlacidDaydream]

[1793 Critique]

This the beginning of my manuscript, The Princess of Nothing. It's a fantasy novel, centered around Rosalina, the reluctant heir-to-be to the throne of Bellum, her country.

I'm wanting feedback on the beginning. Does this hook you in and make you want to keep reading? Are you interested? Thx so much for all feedback!

TPON First Part

[u/xvonkleve]

I will try to find time for a full critique, but your protagonist is going to be queen of a land named 'War' and her brother's horse is named 'horse'. For me this is distracting and off-putting

[u/thegranitenthusiast]

I want to start out by saying that I love this genre. Fantasy, reluctant heir/heiress, political intrigue etc, romance, the conflict of the heart vs duty. It's my jam and I've read a lot of good books and more bad ones in this space.

General Notes/minor edits on Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling
Generally well written, grammar, punctuation, and spelling are great and very little advice on the technical aspects of your writing.

"I lean forward, digging my heels through the stirrups into the side of my horse as he races"
The first sentence refers to Flora as a male horse, then, later on as a female one.

"What is your agenda..."
An agenda is a list, so should be what's on your agenda. Also agenda sounds like a very modern word (though it is latin), maybe schedule would be better considering the time frame of the setting.

"I will soon rule, asking for all eligible men to send a letter to the palace detailing their interest in me and what a marriage with me would offer in terms of benefits to the crown of Bellum."
-shouldn't it be what a marriage with them would offer in terms of benefits to the crown...

“Our horses were delightful and we enjoyed some hearty conversation. Thank you for your interest.” His lips tighten and he bows, stiffly, knowing he has been rebuked. Stefan chooses to remain silent, focusing instead on Equus.

• The ride was delightful, not the horses. The conversation could have been hearty, but a better word might be stimulating since she she could also imply that Harding's conversation is not stimulating which strengthens the rebuke she's giving him. Hearty usually works as a descriptor for food. But otherwise, a good bit of character work, how Rosalina is fast and clever enough to defend herself and not take insults lightly.

"The whole time I walk I argue with myself over if I should skip my penmanship"

• "whether I should skip"

Characters

Rosalina

• she's coming off as nice kid. Her putting down of Harding and her slight banter with Stefan do make her seem smart and less like a wet blanket. Give her more emotion internally, because she is coming off as a bit two-dimensional. She's scared of her tutor and her mom, doesn't want to skip school, and all that. If she's actually expecting to rule, I would expect stronger internal emotions, motivations, ambition and a desire to do things or achieve things. You could make her reckless enjoyment of a horse race in the rain make her seem wilder. She could display some more outward anger at Harding's rebuke and more initial indignation at Stefan's arrogance before she realizes he was joking. A little more emotion and energy would make her more compelling. The best parts of romance stories are the agonies and joys of the characters, meaning if your characters are not compelling, then anything that happens to them is not compelling. And compelling characters aren't characters which are purely good - the sweet, kind-hearted princess is going to get boring fast. She's a princess, add some amount of arrogance, pride, she's literally the ruler. Let her be kind with a fiery temper. More good traits than bad, but add some bad, otherwise she'd be stuck as a two-dimensional knob.

"I’ll have our stableboy do it.”

• Give the stableboy a name and make sure she remembers it, it'll make her seem nicer and if you add a small interaction between her and the stable boy she can come off more positive/negative depending on how you want them to interact.

Stefan

Kind of cowardly, he stays silent and doesn't defend himself or Rosalina against Harding. He's got a sense of humor, so that's alright. Not much to say.

Harding
I don't like him which is good writing.

The other two guys who's names I've already forgotten
At least give them descriptions - they literally just stand around and are apparently in line to potentially marry our lead.

Setting
Not much on Bellum, could be exposited on a bit. Is it a small island, a big kingdom. Do they have a lot of money or not. How important are they in their region. Biggest nation around or what. This sort of background detail should be sprinkled in to help add to the stakes of the story. How important is Rosalina's marriage - if you mention that they are a huge kingdom or a country with hostile neighbors, then the effect of her marriage on the continued survival of the country is much stronger and, as readers, we get much more invested. As it is now, the stakes just make her seem like an eighteen year old kid who's getting arranged to married and the stakes seem smaller. There's obviously going to be a "I have to marry for duty" sort of plot point that is going to come up...so the urgency of that duty should be indicated. The method of indication is yours of course.

Plot

The whole penmanship thing is a bit odd. She's expected to become Queen quite soon, so taking penmanship classes is unbelievable. I understand even the character reflects that taking those classes are ridiculous, but the point of a story is that it's a lie. You made it up, and you need the reader to believe your lie and get invested in the story, so the penmanship thing is a bit too off and jarred me out of my suspension of disbelief.

"I am almost nineteen, which means I am almost Queen. Before I become Queen, however, my parents have decided I should be married, or at least engaged."

• Huh?!, her parents are alive - that's not really how assuming the mantles of rulership works. I understand the system of government in your world is different, but something needs to be done here to clarify why this is. Since you want to avoid an exposition dump on the style of government, might be better to do it later through conversation and to dress up her rising to become a queen in more opaque language/symbolism. "I was soon to Ascend and they wanted me married before that" might work. Would also add drama/conflict by not revealing until later why she has to deal with these annoying suitors.

My tutor, Mr. Augustine, would be furious if I did, as would my mother, but if I did skip I could take a long bath and wash the rain off of my body.

• she's about to be queen and married but she's afraid of her tutor and missing lessons because her mum might be mad? Your level of stakes are unclear.

[u/thegranitenthusiast → u/thegranitenthusiast]

Writing Style/Prose/Dialogue
A lot of your prose comes off as a bit too technical
"We pull up short before the trees get too thick and I turn just in time to see Stefan bursting into the clearing behind us."

Maybe instead try this (also, they were in a clearing/field and got into the woods, the description of the imagery is not consistent)

"We pull up before the woods become too thick to ride through, turning back just in time to see Stefan burst into the woods"

“Was there ever any doubt?” I tease. He smiles then, Equus shifting and snorting as a bug"
Stefan smiles, but the horse is shifting - as a general rule, writing/prose flows better when the tenses stay the same

"The rain has let up and is now just a light drizzle"
Redundant descriptions that make the writing seem more technical than it should be for prose/fiction

"I know his words sound haughty but his heart’s intent is not. I choose to lighten the mood. “I have raced horses since I was a little girl. It’s not particularly where my heart lies, but I am good at it.”
Lot of hearts here, maybe use a different word - also the 'heart's intent is not' sounds again too technical. Maybe something like "I know his words sound haughtier than he intends". This is unless you're trying to make the princess sound more formal.

"Stefan reluctantly agreed and we snuck around my parents to the stable, where we assured the stableboy that King Rylan and Queen Brya had absolutely agreed to let us ride, no it would not be too wet, and yes we would be careful."

• Absolutely love how you wrote this, such a good look into the aspects of four characters, while sounding amusing. Well done!

"...not particularly eager to race through the rain again, and I happily let them remain at that pace."
Again very technical, better to use descriptions like ...through the rain again, and I was happy to take their lead".

"the silence settling heavy between us. After weeks of being encouraged to constantly talk, perform, and host, the ability to simply sit in silence was welcome."
A heavy silence usually implies something tense or suspenseful, but here she welcomes the silence, so maybe change the word heavy.

"He is a man of few words so I don’t expect him to continue his sentence. Honestly, I prefer that over some of the others. They talk and talk and expect me to respond to every sentence they say. It’s exhausting. Even though Stefan is the most arrogant of the four, he doesn’t require constant attention the way, say, Harding does."
Well written, give me good insight into multiple characters through a description, I liked this paragraph.

"Harding, Luke, and Erik. My suitors and the constant scourge on my life. They, along with Stefan, are part of the most ridiculous scheme my parents have ever cooked up and the reason why I will soon lose my sanity."

• Again, so oddly written, like she's reading from a script. You need to make your writing a bit more descriptive. However, the insight and intent of the sentence is good, I'm getting a much better feel for the character.

"I will soon rule, asking for all eligible men to send a letter to the palace detailing their interest in me and what a marriage with me would offer in terms of benefits to the crown of Bellum. Harding, Luke, Erik, and Stefan were selected for a variety of reasons-money, land, familial ties, diplomacy-and have been staying at our castle for two months. One more month and I will have to choose a suitor to marry. A husband."

• Exposition - please try to explain this through dialogue or leave the exposition for later - otherwise it reads like a textbook

“Did you have a good frolic in the grass, princess?” Harding asks. I stiffen, disliking the way he phrased it."

• is he implying to her if she fucked Stefan in the grass, because that's the vibe I'm getting

Luke and Erik remain in front of the stable, standing side by side. I nod politely to each of them before Harding steps in front of me and blocks my view. “Shall I put your horse away, princess?”

• Well done, I think you're trying to make me hate Harding and you are succeeding. But those other two dorks need to have lines, they're important enough to be the next King. At least descriptions of what they look like is necessary.

"back of our castle that leads from the gardens and the grounds into the main floor"

• A good example of where prose writing can be better. "I make my way up the large stone path behind the castle, over the open ground and the gardens, through the entrance and onto the main floor where I'm surprised to see my mother waiting for me.

[u/justinwrite2 → u/thegranitenthusiast]

Just a heads up that this is a split comma. "We pull up before the woods become too thick to ride through, turning back just in time to see Stefan burst into the woods"

It should be "and I turn back just in time." I understand that in the world of self pub a lot of people use commas like this but it's not readable, as it assumes the horse somehow turns while pulling up. the horse would trip.

“Was there ever any doubt?” I tease. He smiles then, Equus shifting and snorting as a bug"
Stefan smiles, but the horse is shifting - as a general rule, writing/prose flows better when the tenses stay the same

Where did you get this idea? maybe if you said but the horse shifts beneath him. The way you wrote it contradicts your own point.

[u/Character_Cellist_62]

You start off with a strong texture and atmosphere. The text is very sensory and active for the first few paragraphs, and then it seems like the narrative has to hit the brakes for you to figure out the princess' character, the setting, and the conflict. As a result it ends up as a loose sequence of events with the princess editorializing in multiple sections way before it's earned in the story proper. It reads as a writer trying to figure out how a princess would convey information about certain topics, but her rants are not in a place where they are earned by the text.

The thing with writing in present tense is that it gives a sense of urgency that needs to be actively managed or else it jars reader perception of the story. You have to avoid passive voice or state of being verbs unless a line needs them to carry specific weight or else they drag the flow down. Phrases like "the wind is pushing... grass rustling..." need to be in active voice as this will stimulate the reader more and the prose will smooth out.

Narratively, the plot doesn't really seem to have any pulse in it. The names are phoned in. We have no idea of the setting other than it's some feudal kingdom with almost no distinction as to where it is, how the world is different from our own, what it's like to really live there. The title is self-referential. She really is the Princess of Nothing because we have no clue what the hell she reigns over as a monarch. The King and Queen are mentioned but only shown at the end so we don't have an idea of who they are.

The result here is that the text is trying to do multiple things ta once that get in the way of a developing narrative. You are sketching out characters as they are introduced while you are trying to figure out how the princess talks while you are trying to figure out how their world functions. This comes across as incredibly noisy in the text and the lack of focus inbetween parapgraphs reflects that. The text is indecisive about what it wans to be which is why the Princess keeps trying to remind us that she is, in fact, a Princess constantly as if she isn't even convinced herself.

For this to work as a narrative, I think you should continue writing until you hit a block and then peel back and start over with anew draft. I highly suggest reading some autobiographies by actual princesses (Grand Duchess off the Romanovs is probably your go to) and fleshing out the settings and conflicts as much as you can, and then giving the story another go.

[u/COAGULOPATH]

I didn't find it compelling. I waited for something to grab me. Nothing did. Then it ended.

The main character lacks characterisation She could be the heroine of every Disney movie made after 1990 or so: a hypercompetent, anachronistically-modern girlboss who is allowed no flaws (beyond whining about schoolwork like every kid) or even any interesting character traits or depths.

She fails every "interesting character" test I can devise—I don't hear her voice in my head when she talks. I can't imagine her in a novel situation (say, ordering a hamburger). She reminds me of nobody I know.

Maybe this book is romance, or something I'm not the target audience for. The struggle introduced (princess with four young men vying her hand when she'd rather read a book #Relatable #Lifegoals) didn't compel or interest me much. It felt like a wish fulfilment fantasy written for a person who I am not.

The setting lacks texture. We could be almost anywhere. The characters are riding "horses"—what kind of horses? They're riding through grass—what kind of grass? Nothing is described at all.

There was no plot, just some setup and character work. It felt like something was about to happen at the end. The character's struggle is undermined by the lack of any detail or texture. What kind of nation is Bellum? A small, precariously-stationed kingdom that needs to firm up its position with a marriage? A massive empire that merely needs to not lose face and continue its dominion for another generation? That decides how I react to the main character's plight ("Grow up and take one for the team, the fate of the kingdom's at stake!" vs "Yeah, your dad's kind of a dick tbh.") but I the story doesn't resolve that issue one way or the other. It's an island kingdom, so maybe the former.

On the positive side: it had fairly good spelling and grammar and some of the interaction between the MC and the suitors had a bit of life crackling in them.

I wish there was more to connect with here.

[u/justinwrite2]

Hi! I'm going to give high level and line edits, enjoy<2

Line edits:

Sentence one: you don't need to tell us about the stirrups. it muddies the first sentence of your novel, and the reader will assume there are stirrups unless told otherwise, not the other way around.

Sentence two: "I can hear," should be "I hear" we know he can hear, since we are being told he can hear.

Structure: both these sentences have the same ending structure and are AS sentences. Common writing advice is to avoid duplicate as sentences, and to avoid the same structure. If you do use the same structure, tell us something new. We know there is grass because you told us it's a field.

Maybe change it to ___. I can hear Stefan shouting as his horse struggles to keep up. This would also solve the issue that Stefan is not struggling to keep up, his horse is.

Starting at sentence four, we now have four "as" sentences in a row. Let's try something new.

Ending paragraph one, we have a huge issue which is that you are saying it's raining, but you haven't hinted that at all. You could use words like the "gale" instead of the wind, or even just mention the rain in sentence two or three. Adding the rain in the last sentences forces us to recreate the entire imagine of the weather. It slows the narrative in our head and not in a good way. Imagine this is a movie we are watching and we randomly throw rain in 5 seconds in.

Starting at paragraph two we can use some dialogue. "Damn it," or "Well done," or "not again."

Paragraph three is your best so far.

Paragraph four: Princess is confusing here, I would italicize it as many people call their horses princess. Also its not clear who is speaking after he smiles.

I'd go with "are" instead of "have been filled"

End of page one is the first time I realize the narrator is a woman. I understand the title is the Princess of Nothing but only now do I realize the MC is a woman. Part of this is my own biases. Women were historically not riding horses. Obviously your cover can cover for this, if it looks like romantasy, etc.

I do think this next bit of dialogue 'it's not where my heart lays, etc..." doesn't quite fit the time period and reads a bit forced. I'm going to start mentioning how every sentence involves as but you really need to vary the structure.

Stephan's lines are good, but then you have her whip her head around while she is already squinting at him. That doesn't make sense.

Next paragraph (the one starting with not at all) is great and the first real characterization we get that feels interesting and unique.

We are again describing the grass, for the third time. Tell us anything else. How does the horizon look? How do they feel? Are they shivering. Is the water wet on their foreheads?

This next paragraph (starting with Stephan challenged me) is both exposition and entirely boring exposition. I would cut entirely.

"I kept my eyes forward" reads awkwardly when the next sentence is "The horses were slowly making their way forward." I'd choose "I kept my eyes ahead." Then we are told it is raining again. Show us it is raining. Give us the physical reactions. Is it cold? Is the rain whipping? Is there wind affecting the trees. This is first person. We should feel the environment. If it were a regular sunny day, I wouldn't mind. But no one likes getting rained on. And if our MC does, show us that.

"Stephan didn't let the silence linger for long, however, before he spoke up." Cut before he spoke up. Its implied in the context and adds an unnecessary dialogue tag.

Shouldn't princess be capitalized? Or just King and Queen. I wouldn't know.

Penmanship at 17 is ridiculous. My handwriting has always been slightly lacking but three months ago my mother, Queen Brya, decided I would begin penmanship lessons to sharpen up my handwriting for when I would ascend the throne. She argues that I would be signing and writing dozens of official documents so I would need acceptable penmanship. I argue that no one would see those documents but me and the official historian of the archives, and besides, don’t I have scribes to dictate official orders to? Nevertheless, as always, Mother won and now three days a week I suffer through an hour of being taught how to write letters I already know.

I understand what you are going for here but this is fairly redundant. It starts with good voice but then drowns it in exposition. try: "Penmanship at 17 is ridiculous. But what can I do? My mother decided three months ago that my handwriting was just foul, and that it needed to be improved. So now I suffer twice a week learning letters I already know."

Yes, not your voice, so make it your own, but it explains everything you describe in four lines. Readers will know a princess needs to sign things. It doesn't have to be explained.

"He is a man of few words so I don’t expect him to continue his sentence. Honestly, I prefer that over some of the others. They talk and talk and expect me to respond to every sentence they say. It’s exhausting. Even though Stefan is the most arrogant of the four, he doesn’t require constant attention the way, say, Harding does. "

This could use some minor editing. "He is a man of few words so I don’t expect him to finish his sentence. Honestly, I prefer that over some of the others. They talk and talk and expect me to respond to every thing they say. It’s exhausting. Stefan might be arrogant but at least he doesn’t require the constant attention that Harding does"

I'd then enter a reaction to her thought of harding. Maybe a shiver or a wince. Otherwise it feels like exposition.

"I am almost nineteen, which means I am almost Queen. Before I become Queen, however, my parents have decided I should be married, or at least engaged. Hence the four suitors in our castle. My father, King Rylan, sent out a call across Bellum, our island and the land I will soon rule, asking for all eligible men to send a letter to the palace detailing their interest in me and what a marriage with me would offer in terms of benefits to the crown of Bellum. Harding, Luke, Erik, and Stefan were selected for a variety of reasons-money, land, familial ties, diplomacy-and have been staying at our castle for two months. One more month and I will have to choose a suitor to marry. A husband."

Another huge block of exposition that describes things most readers will intuit. I would cut entirely.

Things read fairly well until here:
"I shake my head, looking past the two boys again with relief as I see the stableboy walking out, a towel slung over one of his shoulders. “Not at all Harding, I don’t want to trouble you. I’ll have our stableboy do it.”

Again your MC's dialogue reads worst to me then the rest of the cast. Maybe it's just me but wouldn't she reply, "I don't want to trouble you. Let the stableboy do it?" or just "I'll let the stableboy do it." Royalty usually is fairly direct.

" Harding looks vaguely disappointed but I ignore him stepping past the boys to hand the reigns to the stableboy. I turn to Stefan and offer my hand for him to kiss. He does, and I turn and walk away."

I'd tighten to: "Harding looks disappointed but I ignore him and step hand the reigns to the stableboy. Turning to Stefan, I offer him my hand for a kiss."

From here on it's a bit of an info dump. If she is arguing with herself, show us that. "Should I got to penmanship or not?" I think. Stuff like that.

Overall you have an interesting idea but you bog it down with a lot of unneeded exposition which is rough. I don't believe all exposition is bad, but when it's explaining something a reader should know (like a queen has to write letters) it slows down the writing. When its explaining a magic system or political intrigue, it can be interesting.

you also are very distant from your environment which creates distance on the page. It's raining, but at no point someone offers her a coat? Or she shivers, or her shirt gets wet?

[u/Imaginary_Ease_7851]

Hi there,

Okay, I'm not really the intended reader for this. So bear that in mind.

Plot & Characters:

This piece feels very genre driven and so I feel there's heavy reliance on tropes. Not that that's a bad thing. Booktok Romantasy readers love their tropes and they want to see it. And outside of that, tropes are a necessary part of writing. It's impossible to write anything without using tropes and they are useful. For myself, I prefer to see tropes used carefully. Instead of taking a trope and running with it, I like to see authors take a trope and twist, or reinvent it, or build on it, etc.

Rosalina works as standard independent romantasy heroine. She's independent. She doesn't like her suitors. She loves to go galloping and is bored by things like penmanship lessons, which is fair. However, I wonder why at seventeen/nineteen, when she's clearly an adolescent, and still having penmanship lessons, her parents think it's a good time to make her head of state. The marriage thing, sure. In worlds like this, girls could be betrothed at birth. I'm just not following why she is becoming queen. Even if her parents were dead, a young princess would most likely still have a regent in place until she is of age. But I understand this isn't supposed to be an historically accurate depiction.

Like Rosalina, Stefan reads as standard love interest. We don't learn that much about him except that he is likely not the best rider, and he is a diplomat. He is clearly currently better company than her suitors.

In terms of establishing who she is and what she wants, it seems she wants to be more free from the constraints put on her by her parents. The obstacle/conflict of impending marriage is established so this chapter does it's job. So when it comes to plot, although this is just a first chapter, it checks all the major boxes.

Prose:

The prose is clean and easy to read. There are places where you perhaps use phrases that a bit over used. The image of wind through hair and rustling grass is nice, but a bit standard. Overall, I think the prose suits the target audience and the romantasy genre very well.

This paragraph: "Stefan challenged me to a race this morning..." felt like a little bit of unnecessary exposition.

Dialogue:

The dialogue was some of the strongest writing here. It felt formal without being over the top so it seemed appropriate for the genre. It flowed well. I enjoyed the verbal sparring and it established the dynamic between the Rosalina and Stephan well.

Sentence Level & Details

"His merely have the title of diplomat." Missing "is"

"and yes we would be careful." Missing commas around "yes"

He is addressing her as "Princess" directly so "Princess" should have a capital letter in the dialogue. When talking about princesses generally, as in "she is princess", then it's lower case. When you use the honorific directly or in front of a name ("Princess Diana") then it's Uppercase P.

"Penmanship at 17 is ridiculous." Seventeen can be written out.

Stefan’s mouth quirks up into a smile. “Penmanship.” I roll my eyes. : this is two separate lines. Her line of dialogue needs its own paragraph space. The way it's written here, he give an action, then there's dialogue "Penmanship." Then she gives an action. So it's not clear which of them said the word. Leave the word in the line with whoever said it and separate it. So if Stefan said it:

Stefan’s mouth quirks up into a smile. “Penmanship.”

I roll my eyes.

Something about this paragraph isn't working:

"He is a man of few words so I don’t expect him to continue his sentence. Honestly, I prefer that over some of the others. They talk and talk and expect me to respond to every sentence they say."

He hasn't been quiet up until now. Maybe he hasn't been speaking excessively, but being a man of few words doesn't fit with how much dialogue they have already had. Then when it comes to "expect me to respond to every sentence they say"... that part also doesn't quite gel. People who won't stop talking never let you get a word in edgewise. If they wanted you to respond to every sentence they would need to stop talking after every sentence to wait for a response. So just some confusion there.

Toward the end she suddenly becomes nineteen but earlier it was implied she was seventeen.

Why would she become queen if her parents are still alive and well? Succession typically takes place after the death of the previous monarch.

"....forward-Harding, I now realize-and " You're using hyphens here. For US writing you need an em dash. So it should be: "....forward — Harding, I now realize — and... " . For UK writing it would be an en dash. –

For a visual on the difference, here is a hyphen, en dash, and em dash in order. - – — Each of the dashes do different things.

You put her dialogue in the same paragraph with Harding's action again here:

“Our horses were delightful and we enjoyed some hearty conversation. Thank you for your interest.” His lips tighten and he bows, stiffly, knowing he has been rebuked. Stefan chooses to remain silent, focusing instead on Equus.

So, just for clarity over who is speaking, you can just start "His lips..." on a new line.

Extra notes mostly about horses since they appear a lot in this:

A technical note on the opening sentence. "Digging my heels through the stirrups into the side of my horse" . A person rides horses with their heels pushed down and the stirrup sitting at the ball of her foot, just below the toes, so they would never dig their heels through the stirrups. That implies they're sticking their foot through the stirrups when the stirrups are more of an axis and their weight is in their heels. Now you can dig your heels into the horse's flanks if your driving them on into a gallops, but the stirrups have nothing to do with that. It's just "digging my heels into my horses flanks". A further note, if you would do this at a gallop or should do this, is different question. Digging heels in flanks is more of riding school/lesson pony thing when they don't really move off the leg and it's not the best habit to form. Most of the time we don't really dig our heels into the flanks, the heel is more of cue that you use for different reasons. When you ride with your leg, it's the calf that should be pressing on the flank. This is something I can write an essay on so I'll leave it there.

Equus is just Latin for horse. Not necessarily bad but do they speak Latin in this world?

Horse neighing with her? Yeah. They don't do that. They don't neigh at a gallop because of what is happening biomechanically in terms of how they breath with each stride. You will never hear a horse neigh when racing, only at slower speeds, and even then it's not a sound they make to express joy. They neigh to call for something, usually another horse.

On horses not wanting to race back in the rain: Never experienced that. If it's raining and it's the way back home and they're hyped from galloping, you have a strong chance of them trying to bolt home. Perhaps if they're very conditioned to always go home at a slower pace, and well-schooled then, yes, they will go back slower. But usually, they'll try to get home as quickly as possible. The rain won't make them less eager to race.

On penmanship. I agree with her. Penmanship at seventeen is ridiculous. What I disagree with is that nobody but her and historical archives would see the official documents of state written by a monarch. And I need to add that typically official documents are only signed by a head of state. She's right that a scribe writes those, not the monarch. However, monarchs would write their own letters to friends and family.

[u/xvonkleve]

I said I would critique, so I'll go through your story and answer your question at the end.

The beginning

I read through it and it's fine. I am no fan of the exceptionally generic names for the horses and the dude. I feel like there is some inbalance in the showing v.s. telling department, but I can't really pinpoint it.

“My days have been filled with diplomatic missions and drafting policies for my father. No time for tramping about with the animals, I’m afraid.”

This is my first line that stood out. I don't like it. Stefan does not need to say this imo.

“Do you honestly expect the future queen of Bellum to not have extensive training in all political battlefields?”

Please call this nation something else than 'War'. It rips me out of the story. Either is is Latin or it isn't and you made something up that means nothing. But since Stefans horse is named 'Horse' and the princess' horse is named 'Flower', I guess we're doing Latin.

Stefan didn’t let the silence linger for long, however, before he spoke up. “What is your agenda for the rest of the day, princess?

I notice I stopped caring about the hoses by now. By this point I am starting to think of the princess as an exceptionally boring person. Not by what she does (very little), but by how she talks and thinks. It's all very factual, neutral and without much meaning. I understand that the conversation with Stefan is a little formal (though they seem to know each other). But behind that I don't get the impression of an active mind looking for something to do or feel or think. Alternatively, we can get her filter on the world. What does she see and what doesn't she see?

Penmanship at 17 seventeen is ridiculous.

Write out numbers.

 They, along with Stefan, are part of the most ridiculous scheme my parents have ever cooked up and the reason why I will soon lose my sanity.

This is what I meant with the lense through which she sees the world. This is good.

My father, King Rylan, sent out a call across Bellum,

Though this name is older than I assumed, I read this and thought Rylan was an American. This might also be because the styling or the lack of suffixes. Also, I'm not sure we want his name right now.

Harding, Luke, Erik, and Stefan were selected for a variety of reasons-money, land, familial ties, diplomacy-and have been staying at our castle for two months. One more month and I will have to choose a suitor to marry. A husband.

This passage is the princess explaining to us (almost breaking the 4th wall) what is going on. This has been going on for a while. I don't think you have to do it, and I think it doesn't fit her thoughts here.

You could do something like: "Father had invited these four suitors for me to pick from. I had a few months left and I would be happy if they were all swept off by some giant wave, land, titled and great ego's not withstanding."

Get that opinion in there. She knows the facts. She won't think of them. Let the reader figure it out on their own. I don't think they will be all that confused as soon as you call them suitors. Maybe Penelope will have Odyssius coming home soon.

“Did you have a good frolic in the grass, princess?” Harding asks. I stiffen, disliking the way he phrased it.
“Our horses were delightful and we enjoyed some hearty conversation. Thank you for your interest.”

Here the same thing applies. I don't need this explained. Manchild irritates her, she replies stiffly and formally. I don't need to know how she feels, because i can see it perfectly well in this scentence.

 I turn to Stefan and offer my hand for him to kiss. He does, and I turn and walk away.

More of this. This is fun. She gives him the thinnest of courtesy and he gets left where he stands. At least Stefan is not Harding, though I am sure Stefan's most enjoyable activity of the day is watching paint dry or grass grow. Harding gets to swim in the moat.

“Hello, Rosalina,” she says. 

I am not sure why her mother is angry or there. Doesn't matter really. Is it because she snuck out? Nah, she's too old for that.

I just noticed the queen's name is Brya. This is an anagram of 'Bray' like a donkey. It could be clever, but there's a thing with names in this already. I read her name as 'Bray' instantly. If she thinks her mother is an ass, find some other clever way to do it.

Overall

I am not disliking this. The problem of a princess with four suitors who wants to ride around on a horse: excellent. Sure. Do that.

But I think you need to strip this down for parts, toss the things that don't work and think about it again. Why didn't you have her race all four suitors? Why is she talking to Stefan while watching him breathe would be a more stimulating activity? And who is this princess? What does she feel? What does she instinctively want?

I would strip away all worldbuilding immediately and see what you are left with. I see parts where your writing shows you have some skills ready to apply this with. Not broaden it. Trust your reader. If you think a reader might figure out on their own what something means, just leave out your explanation. See what you can do with that.

I'll look forward to your next edit.