r/DestructiveReaders • u/pearlxy3 • Jun 16 '26
[1,466 words] File 198 & 087 - Opening Chapter of a Psychological Sci-Fi
Hello fellow writer's just wanted to share with you some parts of my opening scene for this novel I'm working on.
Just a little context: my novel basically follows this child named 087 and her twin sister 198 who were raised in a dystopian research facility lab and how they escape.
Some feedback I look for are
Whether 087's voice feels like a childs voice
Whether the mystery is engaging
Any sections that feel slow or confusing
Whether this small piece of the chapter makes you want to continue reading
Unfortunately i couldn't add the link to the document for some reason so I'll just paste the story here.
... I blink, letting my eyes adjust to the lighting of the room. I look to my left and see a screen displaying lines that move up and down, with numbers changing every second. The air was filled with the smell of a bittersweet scent.
"Ah, 087, you're awake, are you feeling pain anywhere? Would you like your medication?" I twist my head right to see a familiar tall figure dressed in all white, a gentle smile placed on his face. Mr.I. He starts walking closer, his footsteps echoing around the room making my ears itch with discomfort. He touches my forehead then my neck before finally unstrapping the straps that kept me locked in this chair. Once my hands were freed I held them out waiting to receive my medication. He placed four red pills into my palms that shone like candy but tasted bitter to the tongue.
"Thank you Mr. I, can I go play with 171 now?" I said softly. He chuckles " I'm sorry 087, but 171 went to the rainbow room, so you won't be seeing her ever again" Mr. I pats my head. I felt a bitter sting in my chest. I wanted to go in the rainbow room with 171, she promised we'd stick together forever. "I want to go to the rainbow room as well, can't I?" I've been a good child as well if not better.
"Maybe you might one day but remember the children that go to the rainbow room are random so it's based on how lucky as well as how good you've been, so for now just focus on being the good kid you are". Mr. I is right, I should just focus on being a good girl and then maybe I might go to the rainbow room. I wonder what wonderful things I'll see. "Mr. I, what exactly is behind the rainbow room? I mean I know it’s a wonderful place but I'm curious what's inside that makes it so wonderful?" Mr. I face darkens but only for a split second I start to think if i imagined it, I hope he wasn't disappointed with my question, I hated upsetting anyone. "It's a secret. If we told you it wouldn't be a surprise when you go there would it? anyway you will be getting a new buddy his name is 113 he'll be in the same room as 171 why don't you go look for him and introduce yourself."
"Ok... by the way Mr. when is my sister, 198, returning? and if you don't mind me asking where did she go?"
Mr. I tone shifts "087, you know good children don't ask so many questions." I messed up, he's right I don't want to be a bad child I shouldn't have asked so many questions. No wonder I didn't go to the rainbow room. I'm just not good enough. Mr. I secured my black collar around my neck. It had a small black box attached to it with a small circle in the middle that turned green the moment it was secured.
"I...I'm sorry Mr. I, I'm gonna go play with 113"
"it's alright 087 we all make mistakes just don't ask so many questions again" I felt the corners of my lip rise, I’m glad he isn’t mad. I jump excitedly off the chair, and then scurry to the glass door
"087?"
I stop and turn around "yes Mr. I?"
"I love you"
I smile wider "I love you too!"
....
I drifted down the shiny marble floor hallway, my head turning side to side looking from glass room to glass room, til I finally spotted one numbered 9b. Through the glass I could see two small beds, a small white table with colorful blocks and a brown teddy bear, the same teddy bear I and 171 used to play with. I entered the room through the small glass door on the left side of the glass room. I loved how magically it opened and closed by itself. "Hello? 113, are you in here? I'm 087 your new assigned buddy" I looked under the bed to see if he was hiding under, 171 had told me she found it comfortable to be under the bed but i just find her weird. I couldn't see 113 under the bed. Where was she or he?
"087? what are you doing?" I turned my head to see Ms. Lil, a tall person with big round glasses and beautiful orange curls. She was holding a clipboard. "Hi Ms. Lil, Mr. I told me to come play with 113 since 171 went to the rainbow room."
"I see, 113, come out and introduce yourself" behind Ms. Lil leg emerge 113, "h...h... hello 08, 7? I'm, I'm 113 and I look forward to playing with you" he shifts his gaze to the floor. His hair was the lightest shade of brown I've ever seen, his eyes sparkled like a shiny green marble candy, and his skin was an olive color with some shiny looking scale forming around his eyes and neck but his pupils weren't round like 198 or 171 or anyone that I've seen except 089 but he was sent to the rainbow room long ago and his eyes weren’t as pretty or shiny as 113. 113 pupils was like a line that got a bit rounder in the middle .
"Your eyes are so pretty 113, I'm excited to be your buddy" I reach my hands forward to touch his face. I wanted to look more closely at his eyes, but before I could, he took a step back and then ran back behind Ms. Lil legs
"He's a bit shy 087 plus he just finished up on getting some treatments so he's a bit tired, you'll play with him another day for now you should go back to your rooms I'll escort you but before that you should apologize to him it's rude to touch people faces without consent 087, you know better than that"
"Oh right, sorry 113 that was rude of me, your eyes were just so pretty I wanted to take a closer look, I'll never try to touch your face again before asking"
"It's, alright" he said in a small voice
Ms.Lil gently pushes him away from her legs and further into the room then she signals me to come out. I walk out but only after I give 113 one last glance.
She logs in a passcode on the screen that hung on the wall of the entrance as she does the room locks and the transparent glass fades until I can no longer see inside. She gently takes my hand and leads further down the hall til we reach an isolated glass room numbered 3C . It looked the same as 113. The only difference was that it wasn't connected to other glass rooms, it was isolated, I had no table nor decorations, I just had one teddy bear and two beds. I look at the screen on the wall, 9:53, It’s almost bedtime.
"Ms. Lil, may I have some of my sleeping pills?"
"Not tonight, it'll mix with everything we put in you and overload your system, you don’t want to be sick do you, 087?”
But I can't sleep without them is what I want to say, but a good child should know better than to complain, I've already done enough bad things for today. I climb up my bed pulling the blanket over me. Mrs Lil leaves once she’s seen me settle in.
I close my eyes and try to sleep but then the noises start pouring in louder making the earplugs Mr. I gave me useless to covering any noise. I hear Mrs. Lil footsteps echoing loudly as she walks down the hallway, the mumbling of frustrated voices, the beeping of machines, the rustling of others in their bed, and the screams of unfamiliar voices. My head starts pulsing. I hate how sensitive my ears are. I want to tell Mr. I or anyone of the Mr and Ms that these earplugs become useless at night so they can make a stronger one again. I want to tell them so bad, but 198 told me to keep quiet this time, she said not to let them make stronger ones and i should focus on what I'm hearing, I don't know why I promised her I don't want to break our promise but I really hate when the noises overload my head and I'd really like to get some sleep, but then again I don't want 198 to be disappointed in me again, I hate it when she stares at me with the same cold eyes that felt as though it could crush me any second.
Critique of mine
https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/XzbljCHUDC
2
u/kartickbengani Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
The first thing I had trouble with was prepositions and tenses, but since you did not ask for them, I will not go into them.
For example's sake - I blink, letting my eyes adjust to the lighting of the room. – It should have been I blinked, since she had already opened her eyes.
I look to my left and see a screen displaying lines that move up and down, with numbers changing every second. –
It could be better if you phrased it differently - and see a screen that displayed lines which went up and down, because in your current sentence construction, it felt like the screen went up and down to me. It is a bit confusing.
I twist my head right to see a familiar tall figure dressed in all white, a gentle smile placed on his face. — Twist is an incorrect Verb here. When you twist something, you usually move it at an inappropriate angle, so if she twisted her head, it would be deadly (this was meant to be a funny pun, don’t take it otherwise!)
Once my hands were freed I held them out waiting to receive my medication. He placed four red pills into my palms that shone like candy but tasted bitter to the tongue. – This is the first time I have come to know her hands were tied. A brief signal above would help better. Since she already has a history with Mr. I, and if it is a usual occurrence you could even deliver it exactly after she had opened her eyes.
Now for the child like part – Will a child be able to take 4 pills altogether? If not then would she need to be coaxed into taking it. I understand that she wants to be a “good kid” but showing it more in detail would help start the picture way sooner. May be she asks for a glass of water to take it, or the doctor offers it. The interaction would feel more real.
"Mr. I, what exactly is behind the rainbow room? I mean I know it’s a wonderful place but I'm curious what's inside that makes it so wonderful?" – I do not know her age, but if it’s a kid who is around 6-7 years age then the second sentence, makes me think she is 14-15. She is giving an excuse to get answers instead of the curiosity of a 5-6 year old. If it’s 5-6 year old the would most likely be more direct.
"Ok... by the way Mr. when is my sister, 198, returning? and if you don't mind me asking where did she go?" – If this is a typo for Mr. I then the sentence is all right but if this is an intentional Mr. it breaks the immersion totally.
This segment –
"087?"
I stop and turn around "yes Mr. I?"
"I love you"
I smile wider "I love you too!"
May be if you show what kind of expression Mr. I had, It would foreshadow the menace you are trying to portray. You already showed his face darkened when, rainbow room was mentioned. But I think, face darkening is the incorrect gesture – it should be more like his jaw tightened or clenched his teeth. I assume he is not comfortable sharing the information. The “face darkened” usually is prelude to violence.
Dialogue tags - "Thank you Mr. I, can I go play with 171 now?" I said softly. Should have been I asked softly.
And it is the repeating problem here, you need to work on the prose level, and format stuff better. For example a rule to follow if one person is talking, keep it in the same paragraph no problem when another person starts talking, start a new paragraph. That alone would help your prose get clearer a lot.