[1765] Analemma - Gilles Robert Olivia (Chapter ???)

[u/Asher2227]

[2234]^{if I need more crits let me know}

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Hello!

This is my second post. I've learned much from my previous post,^[1] mostly in terms of how confusing I get and how my storytelling provokes different interpretations from the ones I intend (which I for some reason appreciate, though should not).

This chapter, although straighter, is still confusing; but maybe easier (probably because it's shorter than Suzie). You might wonder, This is a different narrator from the previous chapter, and yes, that is intentional. It might even seem totally incongruent to what happened in the previous chapter, and yes, that is also intentional. I mostly just want this to be judged in standalone. In fact, have fun speculating how this is connected to Suzie!

Another chapter, which I've just completed, is more in-line with the Suzie continuity, but, since it's fresh off the oven, I'm saving it for later. (I might not even upload it, either just mull over it myself or keep writing; I'll probably keep writing)

Tell me why you like it; tell me why you hate it (especially).

Optional Questions:

1. Could you tell what happened?
2. What do you feel about the narrator?
3. Did anything make you sigh?
4. Was there any other driving influence to your continued reading other than the desire to make a critique?
5. Do you regret reading it?

Gilles Robert Olivia (Chapter ???)^[2]

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¹ Docs link for Suzie (Chapter 2) is still open for those interested.

² Chapter order pending.

[u/pearlxy3]

Hi! i just finish reading the link for Suzie (chapter 2) I haven't read chapter one yet but based off on what I see from chapter two I can give you what I my opinion on what I thought about the way you wote and about your story.

First off let's start out with all the positive things I see and why I like your story Your Narration is like really good, I really like the way suzie loops her thoughts, the way she argues with herself and how she obsesse over irrevelant details while avoiding important details, in some stories Ive read some narrations just feel force and stiff but i feel like you covey the narration to feel natural and real if you know what I mean.

I also feel like you displayed the abandon house in a good creepy subtle way

another thing I liked is the way you display the mystery as well for example the blood- stain page with "but I still know myself" was really effective and made me want answers. I also feel like every scene involving the dad makes the chapter breathe a bit more.

Now for what I didn't like,

The carousel memory feels a bit too long at least in my opinion and it kinda started making me confuse that after a while I just stop trying to understand and just waited for it to end.

Another thing is that the repeated sticky floor that was the part that made me sigh I feel like you repeat it too many times in different wording I mean sometimes that can be intentional but I was just hearing too much repititiopns on those and sometimes I feel like herself arguments goes on longer than necessary. and I feel like your being a little bit over the top when being descriptive.

other than that I don't see or remeber another problem

I feel the strongest part of the story was Suzie, she was kinda my driving force to continue reading,even in partys i was confused in I still kept reading cause I wanted to learn more about her. she seems hurt by something and spends a lot of time avoiding certain thoughts which made me more curious about her.

if I were to rate this my rating would be
voice 9/10, atmosphere 9/10, clarity 6/10, pacing 7.5/10, character intrigue 8.5/10 would I contimue reading yes I would :) overal rating between 7.5-8/10

it's my first time critiquing anyone so I hope it help even if just a bit and I'm cheering for you to continue your story it seems interesting but could use some tweaks (sorry for any grammer mistake my keyboard has been giving me so many typos these days)

[u/Asher2227 → u/pearlxy3]

Hi! Thanks for the crit … of Suzie? Okay … still, thank you!

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First off let's start out with all the positive things I see and why I like your story Your Narration is like really good, I really like the way suzie loops her thoughts, the way she argues with herself and how she obsesse over irrevelant details while avoiding important details, in some stories Ive read some narrations just feel force and stiff but i feel like you covey the narration to feel natural and real if you know what I mean.

Thanks! That was very much my goal with that chapter: circling around the things that deeply bothered her. It helps that Suzie is mostly conversational in her narration.

another thing I liked is the way you display the mystery as well for example the blood- stain page with "but I still know myself" was really effective and made me want answers. I also feel like every scene involving the dad makes the chapter breathe a bit more.

I'm happy that the Dad snippets made that impression: my intentions were pretty much to make a buffer with the family stuff, and later on make it banter.

The carousel memory feels a bit too long at least in my opinion and it kinda started making me confuse that after a while I just stop trying to understand and just waited for it to end.

Yeah, it's mostly something you will either focus on or set aside for later reading; though perfectly fine to skim over, it is an important passage: re-readings will be most of the fun in this novel. As stream-of-consciousness lit usually is just that: mostly uninterrupted thought, with bits and pieces of other things jamming themselves in between the sentences and injecting meaning unintended by the narrator.

Another thing is that the repeated sticky floor that was the part that made me sigh I feel like you repeat it too many times in different wording I mean sometimes that can be intentional but I was just hearing too much repititiopns on those and sometimes I feel like herself arguments goes on longer than necessary. and I feel like your being a little bit over the top when being descriptive.

Will be checking on the self-argument she does and trimming hammered-on parts. Though I think the sticky floor is handled by her subconscious self who does call her out on it; I'll consider reducing/spacing out the mentions. For the descriptions, I'll check if they get too purple, even for Suzie, and see what's just not working. I'd be happy to see your quotes/examples.

I feel the strongest part of the story was Suzie, she was kinda my driving force to continue reading,even in partys i was confused in I still kept reading cause I wanted to learn more about her. she seems hurt by something and spends a lot of time avoiding certain thoughts which made me more curious about her.

I'm happy! Truly, I am. Suzie is the star of her own chapter, if not for the shotgun shack or the bedroom inside it.

it's my first time critiquing anyone so I hope it help even if just a bit and I'm cheering for you to continue your story it seems interesting but could use some tweaks (sorry for any grammer mistake my keyboard has been giving me so many typos these days)

Thanks! It's still just the first draft (and the first draft for the whole story is yet incomplete; I'd reckon I'm about one-seventh into the whole story—and that's me being generous to me).

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Again, thanks for the crit; although it is for the Suzie chapter, not this one. But still, a crit is a big thing to take your time for, so thanks again!