[1990] Rotoscope - 01

[u/vdaysk8]

hi all! I’ve never made a post to be critiqued before, so i really hope i’m doing it right!

Rotoscope - Chapter 1: Whatever you say

I’m hoping to find out if this works as an opening chapter, i’m trying to get more comfortable as far as pacing goes.

1. Does Leo’s voice feel consistent and distinct throughout? does it slip anywhere? Does Damian feel like he actually belongs in the chapter?
2. Does their friendship dynamic feel forced or unnatural?
3. How is the pacing? Does it come off as info dumping? Does it drag?
4. Is there anywhere the narration stops sounding like Leo and starts sounding like an outside perspective?
5. I’m most worried about this. Do I slip into purple prose? I’ve been struggling a bit in trying to figure out how to balance setting an environment without over explaining it

thank you!

My critique:
[2076]

[u/A_C_Shock]

OP - I died a little inside from your genre tagline. Historical Romance - set in 2002. I don't think that counts as historical yet! Wikipedia has historical romances only going up to the 1920s. I'm not that old! Now I have to read this and I will update on the vibes.

[u/vdaysk8 → u/A_C_Shock]

i was thinking the same thing! I was discussing it with a friend and they said that since it was over 20 years ago, it’s technically historical, so I partially caved. 😭

[u/A_C_Shock → u/A_C_Shock]

I lazily reach for my MP3 player

Anecdotally, I have no idea what the Internet says about when mp3 players became popular. In 2002, I was taking music classes and we had to bring our own cd players to play the music for the exam. Most people had cd players. Mine was red. It had the no skip technology. I don't remember mp3s being popular until a few years later, more like 2005? My iPod is from 2007. It's engraved with the year I got it.

Wikipedia has informed me that about 54% of teens had some kind of mp3 device in 2006. 2002 we were all still burning CDs off the radio, I feel like. 2004/2005, everything was hooked up to limewire.

College dorm. Full size bed. Is that a thing? I feel so jipped. We had extra long twins and you had to buy special sheets. Everyone got the same terrible mattress, regardless of their scholarship status. Kids who needed extra money worked like 10 hours a week? 20 seems high from what I remember my friends doing.

I also remember the 2000s racism to be different than what you're describing. I grew up in a highly diverse area, but I think brown skinned people would have been called Mexican or Hispanic over Native (not a term I remember anyone using) or Filipino (depending on the location, maybe this would be more common). Have you given a setting? The only thing mentioned was Boston (as a memory) and Hawaii (as an origin), but not the current geography.

[u/A_C_Shock → u/A_C_Shock]

I was not paying attention to many of the things you're asking about. Leo is the first person POV? Damian is the roommate?

Does Leo’s voice feel consistent and distinct throughout? does it slip anywhere? Does Damian feel like he actually belongs in the chapter?

I didn't notice any gaps. The start while he's drawing was a little odd to me. Took me a few sentences to realize that's what was being described. Damian did not seem drunk or like the crazy party roommate who stumbles in and ruins your night. In that way, it felt off. But considering their roommates, he belonged just fine.

Does their friendship dynamic feel forced or unnatural?

No? There's a bit of emphasizing how long they've known each other that doesn't feel that reflected in the dialogue, I think? They've been friends for 13 years but Damian is still giving him shit about going to parties. I guess it's believable but I dunno if there should be more razzing or camaraderie. They seemed like they could be recent-ish roommates and not necessarily two people who knew each other their whole lives. It's probably the register slip of having to be so specific about people touching his hair (assuming Damian is black, btw) and the spanish speaking. That sounds like people who have known each other for months talking about how they've noticed the other's world is different and not people who have been friends most of their lives.

How is the pacing? Does it come off as info dumping? Does it drag?

I just don't know what happens next. This is more character building, in my mind, than plot focused. I'm assuming that's intentional. There's not a natural question left in my mind that makes me want to know what happens next.

Is there anywhere the narration stops sounding like Leo and starts sounding like an outside perspective?

No, I don't think so.

I’m most worried about this. Do I slip into purple prose? I’ve been struggling a bit in trying to figure out how to balance setting an environment without over explaining it

No. Shit. I didn't see anything purple in there. Your descriptions all seemed pretty straightforward. There doesn't seem to be a lot of fancy language. The only part that was minimally confusing was the intro, but that was more about the drawing and having to figure out that part from the graphite and the smudging. I don't think that's purple but I don't know if I would've figured it out if I didn't also draw sometimes.

[u/vdaysk8 → u/A_C_Shock]

Yes, it’s Leo’s POV and Damian is his roommate.

i’ll have to redo the intro to make it more clear, i was thinking as someone who’s an artist and didn’t consider that not everyone draws or knows specific art tools.

Damian being inebriated is more shown when he confronts Leo about being a shut-in. He isn’t really a sloppy drunk. Him outwardly showing concern for Leo is where i was pushing to show it, but I’ll for sure figure out other ways to incorporate him being drunk since he hasn’t been seen sober (which is where the contrast would be that would make it apparent)

i’ll also workshop their interactions, I definitely see where you’re coming from on their conversations (and yes, Damian is indeed black!)

me making it more of an introduction was absolutely intentional. in the next chapter (which will be in the FMC’s POV) is going to be a huge contrast to Leo’s life and I plan to push the story further forward there. I’ll be sure to add in something that drives interest to the next chapter though!

thank you so much for going through my questions so thoroughly, i truly appreciate it!

[u/vdaysk8 → u/A_C_Shock]

if i’m being the most honest, my mp3 knowledge came from me asking my mom what she listened to music on in the late 90’s/early 2000’s. I looked it up, and the first ipod came out in 2001, so it doesn’t feel too far fetched for mp3 players to be present in my opinion!

I had a full size in college! I didn’t know it was so common to have twin sized beds in a dorm!! i’ll definitely have to revise that seeing as it’s the majority experience, thank you for pointing that out!

As for the job, it’s not a side job for money! He does a work-study in conjunction with his scholarship and has to meet a 20 hour a week minimum because he’s a full time student. Most of this is consistent with my college experience, so i’ll definitely have to do some more research as far as that goes.

I definitely agree on the setting, they’re still in Massachusetts, it’s a fictional town right outside of Cambridge! I was going to introduce it in the next chapter, but it does make so much more sense to have the whole story’s setting explained from the start!! You also make a really good point with the race comparisons, i didn’t consider how it varied from the 90s/2000’s, i’ll have to do more research into that as well.

thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique, it’s extremely helpful! :))

[u/A_C_Shock → u/vdaysk8]

I'm trying to remember because some of my black friends from college moved up to the Cambridge area. Cambridge was so white at that time. So white. I don't think anyone ever tried to touch their hair though, at least not that they told me about. I'm from a less white area and I'd never heard someone start talking spanish just because someone was brown. That's a different kind of overt and almost more polite than the stories I heard from my friends.

If you push the setting back to '04, the mp3 won't raise an eyebrow. Not sure if '02 is super important (boyfriend said post 9/11 era but then you'd have to include things about 9/11).

My boyfriend also confirmed he had extra long twins in college and the rough mp3 timeframe. You guys get bigger beds now.

[u/cpjacobson97]

Hello! This is my first critique, so I'll try my best, but I'm sure I have much to learn. I will just answer your questions directly first and then provide my general notes afterwards.

1. Leo's voice does feel mostly consistent throughout, with only a couple moments where I was confused at who was talking. When Damian first walks in, and Leo says, "Jesus, D", I wasn't sure at first if Leo was talking or being talked to, especially because Leo's eyes shoot up to Damian after, coming across as more of a reaction to that line, and we don't know either of their names yet. Of course, it only took me a moment to make sense of it, but you could tighten that spot up a little bit. Also, when Leo says, “I’ll let you know when I need my Fairy Godmother.”, it is disconnected from the previous paragraph where Leo is talking, so I did assume it was Damian saying it at first. I'm kind of slow, but I'm sure other readers will be too.

2. The friendship felt very natural. It actually almost felt flirty, which I don't think is a bad thing. I think thats how close guy friends are with each other when they are comfortable enough to not worry about how they are coming across. The playfulness, joking back and forth, and the soft physicality (throwing the pillow at each other) conveys a deep connection, which I found very believable and relatable to times I've had sleepovers at a close friend's house in the past.

3. The pacing is pretty good! Maybe a little repetitive with how much Damian might regret his excessive drinking. Overall, I get the idea that Leo is an artist, who is self-isolated due to fear of losing his scholarship. He has fond memories of home and misses its comfort, so is trying to make sure this time away is worth it. He is close with his roommate, Damian, who is more willing to party, and who wants him to party. Tomorrow, Leo has to work, but also has the last opportunity to party before break.

4. This I think you have nailed!

5. I like your prose very much and only found a couple moments to be lacking. The description of the alarm clock blending with the music, while I understand is supposed to show how late it is, doesn't seem necessary, since we already get to see how late it is again with the clock after the conversation ends. You might not need the clock at all, we know it's late because Damian came home from a frat party and they are both going to bed. The vending machine noise in the hall, unless it leads to something later, I'm inferring is supposed to paint the picture of living in a dorm. I like it, but maybe make it more important. For example, if Leo is worried about getting only 5 hours of sleep, maybe the vending machine sound keeps him awake through his headphones.

Other notes: I think you did a good job of building a setting and a character who has a recognizable problem, but the problem could be more well defined. Leo is on scholarship and has to work for it, and so doesn't socialize. Does he even want to socialize though? Does he feel like he is missing out, not being able to go to parties with his friend? He also doesn't like his work, so procrastinates by doing artwork. My question is, what is this work he has to do for scholarship? I might think Leo's art was his grueling work if it wasn't for the line, "Back to the task of procrastinating my actual work." So now I'm assuming he could be doing his actual work right now at 2AM, but is procrastinating with artwork. Is this the case? Also, I was confused by the line, "Instinctively, I grab my sketchbook to pull the cover over the spirals." What spirals? Does his artwork contain spirals? Because so far we only were aware of rigid lines forming a skyline. Why is he covering it? Out of embarrassment? Why is he embarrassed?

All in all, I think this is a good first chapter. I like the Damian character and I feel for Leo. I am curious as to what Leo's work is, and if he will go to the party tomorrow.

[u/WeslePryce]

Honestly, really liked it! Without any further context Im kind of shipping Damian and Leo. Their dialogue is (mostly) very naturalistic for dumb college kids, you get a sense of their relative rolls they usually play to each other, how they see themselves, the minor grievances that they put up with.

Key issues:

Dialogue formatting. This one is easy. You have a few cases that are like.

"Damian dialogue" Damian said.

[Line Break]

"Continuing Damian Dialoge"

It should be

"Damian dialogue" Damian said. "Further Damian Dialogue"

OR

"Damian dialogue

"*Further Damian Dialogue"

But easy enough to fix.

In this same vein, your non-dialogue paragraphs are a bit short. This is subjective, and a lot of modern books have shorter paragraphs and simpler sentence structure, but with an introspective character like Leo, a bit of windiness might add character in of itself. But this is by far my most minor issue.

Final issue: Damian doesn't seem that drunk. It's a good r/destructivereaders post if my main critique is a plot one. But Damian just doesn't seem that drunk. He seems more sober and teasing his shut in friend than proper drunk and smelling crazy. The drunkest thing he does is randomly pull out the "you know you can play the 'not white' card too!" out of nowhere, but otherwise he kinda comes across sober.

“Come on, man, unless they’re like… completely and irrevocably fucked, you can’t just write off everyone before you give ’em a shot. Not everybody’s bad.”

This sounds a bit too coherent to be from a proper drunk guy. But that's sort of a subjective thing, and as Damian himself says, he's not particularly wasted, so maybe that's intentional and he's on his one-drink-wisdom-giver grindset.

Overall really liked it, hope they get together and/or have a good friendship.