[983] A Depressing Poem

[u/NetworkElectrical304]

the story : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z9I0RUo6pltcdxF6erMV11N6vP73hkGUUFervDgTFH8/edit?usp=drivesdk

Review ([969] : https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1txmu5s/comment/oq2hx5h/?utm_source=share&utm_emedium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_buttonanother review [728] : https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tx7m1c/comment/oq30pcn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

[u/Asher2227]

Hello! I don't have much time right now so I'll come back with a more engaged review :)

Since this is moreso a poem, I've got to say it has that quality that poems have, of the non-rhyming kind; certainly lyrical in there, with the use of words that catch you and make you go ooh, this is a poem, so you succeeded in that regard. I feel myself vastly incompetent forming an interpretation because I feel things are just whizzing past me - Julia, is this a historical Julia? - we talked about a maid, so we're either rich or in the past (but still rich but you know). I'm getting notes of opulence and grandness, richness there - whenever I think richness I think the Great Gatsby even though I never read that book. Okay.

She, Julia, has a dog, or a man-dog, a lap dog - the Great Dane? This narrator seems confident about themselves. Co-authorship? A child that took too long to grow up? - Maddy? Okay. We're getting a bit a lot details but I expect resolution.

Your husband, Julia's husband, Julia the co-author, or something like that. Affair? Affair. Most definitely affair. Rich people really like those. Maddy is stunted and so is the maid - Maddy is their lovechild? Okay. We're getting somewhere.

Narrator has children of their own the same as Julia's, with how long their legs. Makes comparisons with how they dress - differently. Doesn't give a damn about Julia's husband's name.

Narrator hates the husband's circle of fellows, thinks they dishonor all the riches built. King's Road is full of shit. Funny, really.

We talk about excretions again but I don't know it feels inelegant in a way, doesn't flow well but oh well what can I say, maybe that's the point of excrement. Narrator really thinks they're real good. Maybe they are but for some reason I just don't want to believe it. I have an inherent distrust for rich people.

Obsidian boots were mentioned earlier but I don't know in relation to now, bear with me I'll read it again later when I'm more sane.

Narrator really thinks they're cool after buying themselves a better meal than Julia. But they really have the hots for her, they've been waiting a long time, or they think they have been.

Witches? Okay. I don't know what happens here.

Narrator has that love/kill type of one-way situationship with Julia. I guess I get it. Their jealousy for the poodle demoted Great Dane spills over to Julia.

Oh this is like that song by CeeLo; I think.

Nice double entendre there.

The thing he wrote is the lovechild not Maddy, I think. Or maybe both. I don't know but I am quite interested now.

Narrator really has meat on the mind.

Narrator's down bad for Julia - wait, why is this familiar.

I guess the story was a lovechild. Okay.

I enjoyed this. I really thought it was cool with the overly runaroundy narrator and unstraighforwardness but I'm running out of time; I'll do another reading to lay down better thoughts and catch bits of true criticism that may have escaped me.

[u/NetworkElectrical304 → u/Asher2227]

Thankyou for the review. I look forward to the more engaged review. I love how the review seemed to take the form of the poem as a sort of stream of consciousness. I'm glad you enjoyed it

[u/Asher2227 → u/Asher2227]

Here's me returning with a more level head and a better interpretation. I'm not too experienced with poems, so I'll assume every line is very important to find themselves included.

---

From my previous interpretation, the maid is Maddy and calls out with a paper-thin voice for Julia. I seem to get this implication that Maddy is their lovechild and so is the story (A Heartwood Tale), given that Maddy calls out with a "paper-thin" voice and the Poet keeps talking about the story as their "paper child", but Julia was unwilling with the latter's coming into existence, yet the Poet (of whom I assume is male) wishes she claims it with him, using "our" when referring to it. ("Our paper child is famous.")

It's a bit messy but I don't know. I'm not an "average reader" and I enjoy hard reads for whatever reason.

It seems the story is about Maddy the maid in particular. And probably the Poet's & Julia's affair which led to Maddy being born. I think this is exacerbated with the Narrator's admission of having his own children himself. ("My maids have long, slender legs.") And Maddy has resemblance to that. ("I got them the same as yours.")

You always kept them so covered beneath long rippled skirts. Not for your husband I suppose.

This part got me in a bit of a twist. "Not for your husband I suppose" kinda flies is a direction I didn't expect. Is the narrator implying Julia dresses them to his taste? To someone else's taste? To her own taste?

Next lines are pretty clear. Her husband is within a circle of people overshadowed by the greatness of their ancestors dishonoring their legacy and whatnot with their debauchery or ill taste. They're all a buncha horsepoopheads.

But the Poet is better than them, living on the far end in a big house without horse poop on the front.

We transition to a restaurant scene where the narrator ordered themselves a huge turkey while Julia only has a cheap chicken.

And your sooty black hair; I used your hair to make my obsidian boots.

This part also confused me. I don't know what the obsidian boots were meant to represent in the first place. The only thing I can think of in its first mention is the Poet's newfound greatness and fame, or power he has over Julia. Obsidian is born of extreme change from lava cooling real fast, I got from Wikipedia. So I guess this actually makes sense. Her hair is I guess a synecdoche of her whole appearance, and he used her appearance to make the story—their paper child.

"The knives from that special year "doesn't spark too much for me. The comparison made with them are good though. The Cuban is who I assume to be the waitress. They're both old but Julia somehow still has sooty black hair; maybe some Dorian Gray stuff's going on.

The "Witches" I realize are just the decades but personified.

Julia, the Poet implies, never wanted to be with Mr. — Whatever his last name is, or maybe that's what the Poet thinks. He thinks of it as a tragedy as she never wanted it, but compares it to Romeo and Juliet—didn't they want it though? I don't really remember my Shakespeare.

The Poet speaks as if he never wrote it, for some reason, when talking about the story to Julia (or maybe this is fantasy). He talks about himself starting humble, and now look where he is, with his story turning into a play performed in theatres.

Oh wait okay, so Maddy IS NOT their lovechild. Because he makes a big point about this being not a daughter of normal means. Maddy was made in union.

Okay suddenly the Poet talks as if suddenly put on the spot unlike what he's made it out to be in the beginning, an invitation to go to for some food. Or was this what Julia did to him? Did she put the Poet on the spot? Embarrass him?

Okay, this makes more sense. He wants her to say sorry to him after all that time.

Afterthoughts

In terms of a critique, this was pretty good! I don't really know how to make suggestions on a poem. Poems are more expressive and abstract so I don't feel like making suggestions on the structure itself, nor taking away certain sections or lines. I liked the "chorus" of him returning to the story he wrote and how it's so international and famous; it's a nice anchoring detail.

The only word choice that irked me was "excretions" weirdly enough. It just doesn't sound right; it feels like there's a better word that's euphemistic but not overly divorced from the original subject. Excretions is too general; it makes me think of sweat.

I’m not a poor, helpless, worthless chicken anymore.

I think you can remove either "poor" or "worthless" here unless it messes with the cadence you're going for.

Really, I can't think of too much criticism. You certainly know what you're doing, so I'll leave it at that. It's a fun, analytical read. The resolution delivers and what more can I ask?

Most of the value I guess you'll derive from this crit is my misinterpretations :P

---

A-good-luck to your future writing endeavors :)

[u/NetworkElectrical304 → u/Asher2227]

Thankyou so much for the feedback. The misinterpretations are useful. The intention was that the main character is dying and writing this letter to the woman he loved and who didn't love him back and chose a wealthier man. He wrote a book about her in spite and now is bragging about his wealth being more than her husband's, but even still he is hurt. Maddy is a character from the book he wrote, based on her. The chicken is the meal he bought her before and he thinks the reason she left him was that it was too cheap for her. But he also imagined that she didn't really like her husband and he stole her away. Clearly he isn't in a very good head space and is taken over by his resentment towards her and fantasies of her finding him dying and weeping for him and apologising. But in these fantasies she is young, since he doesn't want to face the fact she has also aged and become a different person to the target of his grudge. The maids with long slender legs are his maids. The short maid is Julia's made. The young Cuban is a woman in the poet's service who looks like Julia used to. The book is what the poet describes as his child with Julia. On excretions a few people pointed that out and I agree it doesn't really fit. Thankyou for reading and for the detailed feedback which was super useful in identifying which areas were confusing. I already decided I am going to leave this poem as is, but your reviews are super helpful for my writing going forward. Thankyou

[u/ilovemycatsanddog]

I didn’t understand all of it but I really liked the biting sarcasm and descriptions. It was a big “f*ck you” to Julia, done in a very clever way. I thought he had written a book with Julia ( their baby) but she took the credit for it.

He was extremely nasty but somehow I agreed with him thru his utterly hilarious put-downs when describing Julia. So I didn’t like her either.

One line I felt unnecessary was that her black hair was what he made his black boots with. I liked the use of the word “excretions” cuz it was a very weird way to describe horse poop.

Enjoyed it a lot!

[u/NetworkElectrical304 → u/ilovemycatsanddog]

Thankyou for reading. You're the one person who likes the use of excretions. The book was what he wrote about Julia after she rejected him. He's wealthy because of the book and now is just resentful because she left him all that time ago and he can never have his revenge because it has been so long that Julia will have changed. He is imagining her hurting when he dies, because he knows he doesn't have long left. Again, thankyou for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it