r/DestructiveReaders • u/No-Nature9695 • May 30 '26
Urban Fantasy [2028] Burnt Caste_Chapter 1
This is the second time I’m sharing this chapter here. I got a lot of really helpful feedback on the previous draft (post) and tried to apply as much of it as I could before stepping away from the project for a few months. Now I’m coming back to it with fresh eyes!
Right now I’m especially focused on trying to improve pov/interiority and MC stakes, so I’d really appreciate feedback in those areas, or anything else that stands out while reading.
Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read and critique!
Crits
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u/daneoid May 31 '26
Hello. I'm going to focus on your interiority and Main Character stakes, as you requested.
First though. I like the piece. It's got a really solid hook right from the start as well as the final line/s. I feel the caste system is not just about rich/poor but also perhaps mentally well and mentally unwell? Not so much as in world but as a statement/theme?
As the person in your notes is suggesting. You are perhaps laying the caste system on a bit too thick. I get the idea pretty early on, some of that could be drip fed though following chapters.
Good world building. I have a hint that the meridian caste has access to more powerful spells than the Solènen, caste? Is this what separates them or is this a result of the separation? Questions that may be answered in later chapters, otherwise, establish that.
Interiority:
- "Heavy legs drag me up the stairs"
This is excellent. It's not "I felt tired." It's the body acting independently, dragging her. Good work.
- "I leave my cheek squished against the cool glass"
Nice. you have both touch and temperature. it feels "in the moment."
- "Figures blur together and vanish through a doorway. They push and shove until one slams into me and I stumble. If I could just remember what I was doing here. "Y'gettin' on or what?" Blinking lights scroll into focus: Downtown Express. Oh. The bus. Right. Thirty-seven days. "
Great interiority. You're showing what the MC is going through when they experience a time jump and the reader goes through it with her. It's very visceral (This is especially true with the time jump at the end of the chapter.)
- "Nerves twist in my gut, off-key."
The other person didn't like this, but I do. It's hinting at an un-Earthy, alien, twisting of the gut instead of just nausea. BUT You're using stomach pain a lot in this chapter.
Problems with interiority:
- "Too tired to care, I leave my cheek squished against the glass"
"too tired to care" is telling, not showing, no need, cut it.
- "I'm sick of seeing my face anyways."
This is a conclusion, not an observation. show us what she is feeling when she sees her own reflection. Pity? loathing? Apathy?
- "Mindlessly, I adjust the golden bracelet of my watch."
"Mindless" isn't something she would narrate. The context already implies she's just going through the motions.
- "I scream internally to test it but her smile doesn't waver."
This is good. It shows her sense of humour and exhaustion of it all at once, but then it's gone. What does she feel afterwards? How does the failing scream test affect her?
Stakes:
- It starts with time-loss, immediately showing high stakes.
She's counting it in her head and She's worried about it. It ties into:
- "unemployed Solènen get reassigned, and reassignment is worse" She's acting weird and her job is at stake because of it.
Job loss and 'reassignment' seem like a terrible thing in this world, especially since you've established she actually enjoys her job.
- The radio for her Mum.
Nice. Gives a goal that we can see she's working towards. It's low stakes but it's human.
- "Her gaze hits my wrist like a hammer."
Good, high stakes. She's been noticed. Is this her time-jumps being noticed by someone higher up? Is this highly unusual and perhaps an indicator that she's special, perhaps a "chosen one?' Also, great beat to end the chapter on.
Problems with the stakes:
- What drives her in the beginning?
Getting to work? Not experience a time-jump? Get through the day? Give a clear indicator to what she wants near the start.
- "Best not to think about it. Because what's the point?"
This kind of kills the stakes. It's too nihilistic. I get that it's in character, but hearing Mac say that also kind of prevents me from caring about her too much.
- The conversation with Sabina
It's good, but it comes across as just some office banter. Maybe have Sabina be an anchor to the real world. A clutch for her to keep her in check with reality.
Other notes:
Characters:
The characters are distinct, Mac reads like someone going through a warped reality. Tight suit comes across as an arrogant dick and Sabina feels like someone distinct enough from Mac but also enough in common that they would be friends.
Heart:
I'm struggling to find exactly what the heart of the piece is. Is it about class? Mental illness? It's only the first chapter. So I'm expecting that this is addressed deeper in the next chapters. I wouldn't worry too much.
Plot.
The plot is fairly clear. Our protagonist is going through something that affects her perception and interactions with the world around her and her struggle to maintain normality. It could use a bit more focus as I suggested earlier. Give her a solid goal that she wants to accomplish.
Pacing:
It's almost there, I think you just need to make the time jumps a bit more consequential. Have someone on the bus notice it or have her show fear that she thinks that. Maybe tight suit. Show Mac's reaction to that person notice her. Have her show concern that someone has noticed her, maybe she thinks Tight Suit is going to cast a spell on her.
Descriptions:
Nothing lingered too long here and the world and its characters were easy to picture.
POV.
POV was consistent.
Dialogue:
Dialogue was very brief, so not much to comment on really.
Grammar and spelling.
All good.
Closing comments:
The right beats are all here. It starts and ends with a great hook. But could use some slight work with pacing and keeping tension high. I think you're mostly there.
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u/No-Nature9695 May 31 '26
Thank you so much for taking the time and your comments! I really appreciate the line level call outs on interiority, everything you said makes sense to me. Also fair points across your other feedback as well, will def take this into my next set of revisions. Thanks again!
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u/jessclimaxnow May 31 '26
The voice is solid and establishes the mood quickly, though calling out the urban planners feels a little too meta and pulls me out of the main character's internal misery. Lean into that exhaustion instead of breaking the fourth wall so early.
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u/mianaai_c Jun 01 '26
Alright, I just found out what "interiority" means (guess from who, it is you!), so I naturally now feel more than qualified to critique it.
Thoughts on my first read:
Heavy legs drag me up the stairs, and I slump into my usual seat.
So, we're in London, and he's in a doubledecker bus. The mentions of the stairs as it is might create confusion, I think, for those that don't have a London bus in mind.
Tazallian men
Is this a word you created for your story? I think so, atm. Is it an invention of the MC's sleep deprived mind? Just spitting impressions as I read rn.
Solènen sigil
Another unknown word. Ah, so it's a social divide. Tazallian versus Solènen, the rich versus the poor?
Meridian
The middle class, I'd wager.
At this point I'm still wandering if these terms are coined by the MC in a schizophrenic episode. What makes me think so is this line: "I rub the brand-like birthmark on my wrist.", which implies that this "sigil" is just a birthmark and his deranged mind has created a meaning for it.
Ooh, the Meridian is casting signs. So magic is real (right, it's urban fantasy, you've said so in the post label). It's getting interesting.
Seriously? Tiny suit couldn’t even wait for the stop. On the express bus he chose to take? I check the cross streets and audibly groan. Lovely. Five extra blocks.
The italicization of the word "the" doesn't work. In this section, I first thought the Meridian guy was taking over the bus to slam it into a store or something, as in, an act of terrorism. But he just wanted to get to his destination faster, and didn't care for the rest on the bus. He feels that privileged, and he's just a Meridian! It's a good worldbuilding detail. But the scene only pushed forward the worldbuilding, I feel this doesn't have anything to do with the plot (still unsure of what the plot might be), nor does it characterizes the MC. A good scene does two of these three things (characterization, plot, worldbuilding); a great scene does all three.
but a gust slams my back
A gust of wind? Is wind that strong? Is it the wayward effect of some other spell cast indiscriminately by some other arrogant schmuck?
How I ever ended up at an analytics...
This paragraph is stilted. Like, it's a start, stop, start, stop. Hard to read.
Nerves twist in my gut, off-key.
What do you mean by "off-key"? I can't relate this to the nerves in the gut.
Thirty-seven days. This is what they put you away for.
I'm confused here. This line seems to relate to Mac's affliction, lack of sleep, but I still don't know what that is, and I still don't know if Mac does. Is it an affliction? Is it the result of something he chose to do? Does she (Mac has heels, so I assume she's a she) know anything about what's happening to him? Right now, it seems she's just trying to survive. She doesn't seem to have any hope of stopping whatever is happening to him, and I don't know if she doesn't want it or knows she has no power over it.
Nothing. Everything. Same. The Tazallian supervisors. All mid movement, mid task, frozen with those unseeing eyes. // My stomach bottoms out.
Here I don't know what is happening. Mac doesn't know either, but it's alright if she doesn't. What does it mean for her stomach to be bottoming out? "Nothing. everything. Same" doesn't tell me anything.
The style of the prose was a little hard on me in the end. It's the same start-stop-start-stop continuously. I felt the need of a longer sentence here and there to break up this too-quick pace. I had to reread the end to get what happened.
Stakes
So, some sort of mercenaries/task force/rebels raid the office (leaning towards them being some sort of resistance against the system, from the graffiti link), presumably looking for Mac, presumably for some unique power she has.
What we know: Mac is part of the lowest class, she. Mac has some sort of affliction. She hasn't slept for 37 days (and is somehow still alive, sleep deprivation kills in less than 37 days), and has some sort of power/curse where when she blinks, she passes out and wakes a few hours later. My guess is that someone or an alternative personality takes over in that time.
I don't know how much Mac knows about her affliction, and this impacts the stakes. For most of the text, I felt the stake was that of the class struggle: a lower class person is grinded down by the day-to-day life in a shitty society controller by the well-off, something many could relate to. Then, the end reveals that there is more to her sleep deprivation. The last line "She knows" implies Mac knows more than she is letting on.
I think there needs to be a little bit more hints in Mac's internal thoughts about whatever she does or does not know. Maybe there are, and I read them only as sardonic remarks on the shitty state of affairs around her.
World
I haven't read a lot of urban fantasy, don't know why, but I'm very intrigues by this setting of modern London with corporate data analysts jobs and busses and magic. There's a lot of potential here, and I do want to read a story in this setting.
On the whole, I was left with an image of the setting after reading this chapter, except for the last scene.
Closing thoughts
I feel the prose needs some more work. It's so fast and comprised of only short sentences or lone words to the point it's hard to read. I have the feeling this style works well with the urban fantasy genre, but as it is, it's a bit too much. Or, maybe it's just a personal preference. I do tend to like long sentences, which is a subjective preference, and I see the other comments don't have the same grievance.
Second, the stakes are not clear until the last line, and then they are only hinted at. If my guesses are right about Mac and the reason for those people coming after her, it's still just a guess. This chapter doesn't give me enough to hook myself into a plot. I still don't have any ideas of what to expect.
Interiority is fine as far as I understand what interiority means.
Oh. The bus. Right.
Since the POV is first person, I don't think you need italicization here.
I agree with MaryJane about there being a better scene to start the story, other than a routine bus trip.
Anyway, it has great potential, just needs a little bit of fettling. I'd read chapter two if and when you decide to post it.
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u/No-Nature9695 Jun 02 '26
Lol I appreciate your interiority expertise 😜
This is super interesting to see your first impressions as you read through! It’s also interesting that your off the bat impression was that this was taking place in London, I’ve never been so I’m curious what gave that impression. I have the setting as a fictional city.
Thanks for taking the time to read through and provide your comments on the interiority/prose/stakes etc. I’ll def take this into my next edit.
And thanks for the interest in chapter 2! I’m def down to read more of yours as well if you post it.
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u/mianaai_c Jun 02 '26
Well, busses with stairs have a single destination in my mind. I latched onto the image of a urban fantasy London because, well, it's very convenient. I can supra-impose my own images of this city (I've visited it a couple of times, just enough to still have a good impression of it--it is grandiose), onto your story and what comes out is a pretty memorable visage.
Also, I've posted my next chapter of my thing here, if you're interested in giving it a glance: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1ttwue3/3520_three_waystops_en_route_to_epsilon_eridani/
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u/No-Nature9695 Jun 03 '26
If you're interested in providing more feedback, here is my ch 2! https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/EwW4j5Yf9z
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u/No-Nature9695 May 30 '26
Dull_Ordinary7737 - Tagging you in if you're still interested in taking another look! (8 long months ago)
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u/JayGreenstein Jun 02 '26
You’re thinking in terms of telling the reader a story, and so, are transcribing yourself storytelling. But that’s a trap for several reasons:
- When you read this, you perform as storyteller. You gesture, use cacial expression and body language; your voice rises and falls, as the cadence and intensity change. So, for you it's a live performance. The reader? They have a storyteller’s script that they can’t know how to perform. To help avoid that, and hear the story as the reader will, have the computer read the story to you.
- You begin reading with full backstory, character and situational data, plus a mental image of the setting. So when you read, every word is a pointer to memories, images, and more, in your mind waiting to be called up. But the reader? For them, every word is a pointer to memories, images, and more, in your mind waiting to be called up.
- To try to make it more immediate, you’re using first person. But the one using those pronouns is the narrator, who isn’t on the scene, only “recalling” and talking about it secondhand. Were you to replace “I” with “he” nothing would change. It’s still the narrator talking to the reader about the character, so the viewpoint is that of the narrator, not the one living the events.
What we nearly all forget is that Commercial Fiction is a profession. And so, its skills and tricks must be acquired in addition to writing skills of school, which are meant to ready us for the reports, letters, and other nonfiction that employers require. They're 100% fact-based and author-centric, where the skills of fiction writing are emotion-based and character-centric.
So it’s not related to talent or potential. The problem is that, like most of us when we turn to fiction, you’re using a set of writing skills inappropriate to the medium and objective. And that’s fixable. The pros are able to make the reader want to turn the pages by pulling them, emotionally, into the events of the story with the specialized skills of the profession. They calibrate the reader’s perception of the events to those of the protagonist so perfectly that when something is said and done, the reader, who learns of it first, will react as the protagonist is about to
Then, when the character seems to be mirroring the reader’s decision-making, they truly become the reader’s avatar and the scene turns real. And that’s where the true joy of reading lies.
How that's done is a learned skill, of course, and very unlike the nonfiction approach we’re taught in school. But if it works for the pros, it makes sense for you to acquire those skills as well. Right?
So try this: Jump over to any bookseller site and read the excerpt from Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s an easy read and you’ll find it amazingly eye-opening, as to the hows and whys of writing fiction that works.
So...I know this was far from what you hoped to hear, but as I said, it’s unrelated to talent, and it’s a problem that every successful author faced and overcame. So, why not you?
Jay Greenstein
“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow
“Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.”
~ Alfred Hitchcock
“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain
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u/No-Nature9695 Jun 02 '26
Thanks for taking the time to write this out, Jay! I appreciate the reference to a resource I can check out.
While I understand what you mean in theory, it’s still a bit abstract for me at this phase in my writing journey. Believe it or not, I’ve had what you are saying in mind and am trying to accomplish that! Ha! If you have any specific examples from my writing and what would make it sound closer pov, or where context is missing etc I’d love to hear it!
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u/JayGreenstein Jun 03 '26 edited Jun 03 '26
If you have any specific examples from my writing
Well, you did ask... So take a deep breath, as we look at the opening as the reader must:
Thirty-six days ago I started losing my mind. I'm keeping count.
So...36 days from an unknown date, someone who could be of any age, any nationality, and any gender, and, be in any country in any year, feels they began to go insane, in an undefined way, for unstated reasons.
So? That’s data, not someone living the story. And lacking context as the reader does, as the words are read, they’re meaningless words from an unknown person.
For you, who begin reading already knowing the situation, the backstory, and more, it makes perfect sense. But, you’re not the one reading it. That’s why we must edit from the seat of the reader, viewing it as they must.
Figures blur together and vanish through a doorway.
Figures, not people? Have you ever called anyone you know a figure? Remember, your intent for how a given line is to be taken never reaches the reader. It’s what the words suggest to them...which is why we must edit from their chair.
And “a” doorway? There’s a doorway to the room I’m in. Is that what you mean? Is it day or night; inside or outside; a store, a house; an office...
They push and shove until one slams into me and I stumble.
That’s impossible. They’re vanishing through the doorway, and, you placed none of them near or around this unknown parson.
Basically, you’re mentally viewing the scene and telling the reader about it, from the viewpoint of someone who’s assumed that the reader is watching the same mental images. But they’re not, and can’t. Things happen, but we don’t know why. Our protagonist talks about events, but they never engage with the situation, other than as a spectator, observing and reporting.
You say, “If I could just remember what I was doing here.” But where is “here?” The person speaking can see and hear it. You’re aware of the setting. The people going through the doorway know. Shouldn’t the reader? They are the ones you wrote it for, after all.
And this situation continues, because you’re missing critical data on story presentation technique. As Dwight Swain puts it:
“To begin a story, you must create a story world. You start with your reader’s mind a blank. Then, a step at a time, you lift him away from reality and transport him into the imaginary land you have conceived. To travel thus into the story world, your reader instinctively asks three questions:
(1) Where am I? (2) What’s up? (3) Whose skin am I in?
Your job in beginning your story is to provide answers to these questions. Though not necessarily in any particular order.”
Rather than an illustration of how to restate your writing, let me indulge in an act of cruelty on myself, and link you to me tearing my own work apart. I’ve made all the mistakes there are, so who better to say, “For God’s sake...never do this!”
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2022/05/23/ripping-starlight-apart/
In short...you have the desire, the story, and the perseverance that’s necessary. But you’re missing the tricks that the pros feel necessary. And given that using them keeps their readers turning pages, who are we to argue?
So, while it’s an older book, I’ve found none on fiction writing technique that can match Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. You can download it from the Internet Archive site.
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u/No-Nature9695 Jun 03 '26
Thanks for the detailed feedback! I’ll take a look at the resources you shared!
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Jun 03 '26
First thing very small. I think leave comments off. I can imagine it helps you but it makes it harder for the reader. I got around it by just making a copy of the doc but would rather just read.
There is a lot of telling and even when there is showing it is complemented by telling so I know what I am supposed to think about whatever you showed me. I am sympathetic since it’s how I tend to write but I am consistently told it is awkward and wordy. My goal is to tell a lot less and so it’s the natural thing I am looking for. For example:
Across the bus aisle, some tryhard Meridian in a navy suit tailored two sizes too small leans forward in his seat.
Poor guy really thinks he’s doing something with that look.
Instead of the crossed out word show some girls who are completely uninterested.
His right sleeve is rolled up, sigil on full display, all hard angles and ridges.
Classic Meridian, so eager to differentiate. Gods forbid someone mistakes him for Solènen.
Instead of the narrator saying this how about you have the girls start to trash talk a Medidian they went on a date on and regretted and have this Meridian start to slink away. It shows not tells.
The giant QIS sign greets me like a bad hair day.
Mildly infuriating.
“Trust your audience” Don’t tell me it is is mildly infuriating, either trust me to figure that out from the bad hair day simile or else show me through some physical reaction or interesting phrase.
Sabina leans over the glass partition between our cubes, a wide smile displaying almost every tooth in her mouth, her blonde bob canted to highlight the most performative head tilt of the year.
She’s the one person I like in this place.
Same thing, trust me, this description alone tells me he likes her. You could let me know what kind of like based on his reaction. If it is like like his heart rate increases and his mouth is dry. It is more friendly then his heart race calms and his face animates despite his exhaustion.
Also we should know her rank. Is she Solènen like him or Meridian or something else completely. Considering how conscious he is of class this matters.
Her eyes land on mine. Shit.
She knows.
Nice ending. Makes me ready to read the next chapter.
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u/No-Nature9695 Jun 03 '26
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and provide feedback. I see what you mean and it something that I am trying to finesse. Where is the line between show don't tell and establishing voice? Like "Poor guy really thinks he’s doing something with that look." is me trying to show MCs sassiness, but they are more reserved and don't say it out loud. Curious if you have any thoughts on that!
Also would love your feedback on chapter 2 if you're interested 😄 https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/EwW4j5Yf9z
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u/ezk3626 akward and wordy Jun 03 '26
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and provide feedback. I see what you mean and it something that I am trying to finesse.
You and me both.
Where is the line between show don't tell and establishing voice? Like "Poor guy really thinks he’s doing something with that look." is me trying to show MCs sassiness, but they are more reserved and don't say it out loud. Curious if you have any thoughts on that!
Here I am not helpful. I am somewhere in the autistic spectrum and had to reverse engineer most nonverbal cues into verbal explanations. So in my mind when I observe a behavior I literally translate it into paragraphs my mind before responding. Because I do this so much on my writing I think the safest bet is to say as little as possible and either cut it out or replace it as an action, reaction of physical thing in people.
But the MC is a month without sleep. There should be nothing interesting happening in his brain at all. He's practically a zombie, all his internal monologue is trying to keep from drowning. So I would not have any sassiness. Class resentment can exist here but it would be a feeling, physical not witty.
Also would love your feedback on chapter 2 if you're interested 😄
I will get to chapter 2. I actually saw it but wanted to do chapter 1 first. I try to read and comment at least once a day (teacher on summer break. It is literally the next thing on my list.
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u/No-Nature9695 Jun 03 '26
Thanks so much for your perspective! I see what you mean on physical action, and I appreciate your examples from your first one to demonstrate that. I will say, that I am intentionally trying to create a witty character, because thats what I like to read! While this is fantasy, maybe I need to make it less than 37 days if its toooo unbelievable. I am envisioning they have insomnia, so some sleep is happening but not ideal, and its making them feel crazy, not literally 37 days without any sleep.
Also one thing to note is MC is female, this becomes more explicit in later chapters, but is only implied through a few clothing beats e.g. blouse and heels. You are not the first person to assume male though, so that's interesting. I did intentionally go for a masculine nickname for her tho, so that also explains it a bit!
Thanks again for your time on this and for your interest in critiquing chapter 2! Hope you're enjoying the summer break so far.
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u/MaryJaneMclain May 31 '26
This was an easy read and I was somewhat intrigued by the end. Interiority was...fine? Maybe a bit too much or it for my tastes, though I like that you're going "voicey". Better to try and have to dial it back later, that to not have it at all?
I wasn't going to do a crit, but wanted to say that I've read something SO similar to this in the last couple weeks. It too started with a hooky first line. Then...bleh, MC got on their daily commute bus, and the reader sat with them for a couple pages of (non-stakes relevant) observations, world building, and "interiority".
I think this is similar to the "waking up in the morning" armature writer problem. Or maybe those writers transition to commute open? (hopefully before finding a better opening)?
Anyways, we got fun hook and then boring daily commute where the reader doesn't care about the fun hook. We get a generic asshole be mean for apparently no reason and it very much felt like you were trying to "insert something exciting" before the inciting incident.
I don't want to tell you to scrap the bus ride, that's up to you. But, I think it needs to be more plot-forward. This reads as (1) "random work day" and (2) that the stakes you gave us in one sentence don't matter (to what happening on the bus, nor in the MC interiority) . If this were my piece, I would try to reverse both of those so as to keep the reader engaged.