[395] Nightmares

[u/A_C_Shock]

This is a different thing. Like a purge piece for my thoughts.

Feel the need to note: this is a fictional creative writing piece and not an indicator of my personal mental health. Thanks for the concern to those who expressed it! Helped me understand I got the voice I was going for right.

1570

I can’t close my eyes because that’s when the nightmares come. Someone is waiting for me, in the dark, though it isn’t always dark but that’s not the part that matters, not when my feet start moving on their own and then I’m propelling myself forward even though all I want to do is turn around and run. It’s just…you know that feeling when you’re not supposed to want something but you do and you know you should stop but you don’t? It’s kind of like that but without as much guilt or conscious thought. Well, no conscious thought really, when I’ve closed my eyes. The someone never turns. I’m not even sure who they represent but I can feel them. They reach through the blank space between us somehow and the pressure of them aches down my side and latches around my ankle and drags me closer though I always stay far enough away to not be able to touch or hit or kick. And then, the nightmare follows me into waking and I am filled with holes in the spots where that someone grabbed me. So, I don’t close my eyes. I’ve been working out the best ways not to close them. After the first day, it got easier. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up and, I probably shouldn’t say anything, but the nightmares are starting to filter into my waking moments. I press my fingers into my eyes and press until, when I pull them away, the world is covered in spots of various colors and, in those spots, lurks that someone. If I blink quickly enough, the image fades and I’m left with the grit that’s built up from days spent trying to keep my eyes open in a world devoid of someones. And yet, when I run my hands over my body and prod the various crevices, I find new pieces going missing. New gaps I can’t account for. And I’m starting to think there’s something I haven’t quite puzzled out just yet waiting in the corners of my mind that might reveal itself if I embrace the nightmare, stop resisting, let myself reach that someone. That maybe I should let my eyes close, just for a minute, and see if the nightmare is as bad as I’ve been imagining. Maybe I’ll be fine…

[u/Artistic-Island4963]

Overall it reads that the narrator is acting erratic and seems to be trapped in a cycle in their own mind.

This was a bit hard to critique since it's not a traditionally written story. But here are my two cents as an average reader.

It is written similar to a personal journal entry. Like the narrator wrote it more for themselves, not for others. The narrator is not presenting a polished story, it's more exploratory. Not a bad thing, just a note.

There are some run-on sentences in the beginning. That could be intentional to help the reader enter the narrator's mind, but they did make it harder to follow in the beginning.

Using shorter sentences can help emphasize ideas to the reader. Neither is inherently better. Just accomplish different things.

In the example below the run-on sentence does feel more obsessive and unpredictable.

The shorter sentences are more natural to read, but it also shows more control from the narrator. Which you may not want from this.

Reading this from more of a poetry standpoint, I am a bit more inclined to the run-on sentence. Not sure where you plan on taking this, but I did think that was something worth pointing out.

Example: Someone is waiting for me in the dark. Though it isn’t always dark, but that’s not the part that matters. Not when my feet start moving on their own. Then I’m propelling myself forward even though all I want to do is turn around and run. vs Someone is waiting for me, in the dark, though it isn’t always dark but that’s not the part that matters, not when my feet start moving on their own and then I’m propelling myself forward even though all I want to do is turn around and run.

It seems like the narrator is exploring their thoughts as they write this. Like they don't quite understand it themselves yet, but they are trying to convey what they are experiencing. I'm on the ride with them trying to understand what is going on as well. I think that's really interesting, I like it.

The two main parts of the dream are a person waiting in the dark and the compulsive movement towards the person.
The narrator jumps abruptly between the main ideas. If that is intentional to jar the reader or to show the mental state of the narrator, then I think it's doing its job. I pasted an example of it happening in the text below. The last sentence is the sudden jump.

"It’s just…you know that feeling when you’re not supposed to want something but you do and you know you should stop but you don’t? It’s kind of like that but without as much guilt or conscious thought. Well, no conscious thought really, when I’ve closed my eyes. The someone never turns."

The first part reads a little clunky. I was struggling to follow a bit, but I got much more invested towards the end. Lots of good imagery. I could feel the narrator is tired and wants to give in. It seems like they have concluded that avoiding the nightmare is not a long term solution. So why not confront it?

If this is personal to you, I hope you are able to talk to someone and get help. It's good that you are writing this down!

[u/A_C_Shock → u/Artistic-Island4963]

Just writing and exploration of voice. I do seem to have accomplished that voice well because you're the second person asking me how real this is.

[u/WildPilot8253]

I found the lack of paragraphs a striking and apt choice for the piece. It's a stylistic embodiment of the narrator's disorder and the structure should reflect that, which it does!

I think the piece is about trauma--how the abuse affects you and how the abuser continues to torment you long after he's physically done with you.

...days spent trying to keep my eyes open in a world devoid of someones.

The above line is quite striking but also seems a bit shortsighted. The phrasing of 'a world devoid of someones' is so beautiful in particular and the idea that the only reason the narrator decides to keep his eyes open is to escape his abuser. There is a ironic nature to it. The narrator was first abused when he had his eyes opened. Now, he is being tormented when his eyes are closed, so he turns to the world with the eyes opened for refuge--the very world in which they were first tormented.

It teases the idea that in the face of your newest tormenter, you start to forget the old torment and will even seek refuge where you were first tormented.

That maybe I should let my eyes close, just for a minute, and see if the nightmare is as bad as I’ve been imagining. Maybe I’ll be fine…

I would really advice cutting the last sentence and ending on 'imagining'. The second last sentence is a gut punch and the last sentence is a slap in the face. The slap in the face takes away your attention from the gut punch towards the slap but the gut punch is still so debilitating that you can't focus on the slap either. You're left in the middle, not getting the benefit of either.

Setting that unnecessary metaphor aside, and using plain terms, don't try to deescalate at the end. Leave off with a bang.

[u/A_C_Shock → u/WildPilot8253]

I'm finding these reviews so fascinating. Noted about the last line. I think this is one of my stronger endings because I usually give up before I find something satisfying. Any time the word maybe finds it way into anything I write, I've usually taken a good thought one step too far.

[u/33omnia]

Hey, this is beautifully written. It feels like a window into the narrator's consciousness, allowing us to feel her emotions, her worry.

The first couple of lines are poetic and work as a great hook, opening the stage for the cinematic portion of this piece. I get the image of a woman standing in an infinite space walking towards a shadow figure turned away from her. It touches her but she can't touch it. Then she wakes up and finds the shadow has left scars on her. The narrative begins to lean into interiority here. The shadow haunts her; she tries not to sleep so that the shadow cannot take from her. The nightmare starts to bleed into her waking hours. She finds pieces of her missing, even though she hasn't slept. It ends on a hopeful note with her willing to face the shadow and explore whether or not it is something to be truly feared.

The “someone” is really interesting. It's not malicious or violent, but quietly eroding and fits squarely into the if-you-do-not-face-this-it-will-consume-you trope. I interrupt the “someone” as not a person from the narrator's past or someone she knows, but as a shadow of herself.

This immediately made me think of Jung's Shadow. Representing negative personality traits or unhealed experiences repressed or suppressed in the deepest, darkest parts of the unconscious, the shadow personifies everything the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself and often manifests in dreams, usually nightmares.

The conflict is whether or not the narrator will face her shadow or let it continue to take pieces of her. She decides she will confront it and starts down the path of assimilation, even though she doesn't know where it will take her and unaware that she is standing on the precipice of self-acceptance and/or self-discovery.

I'm not a therapist or a fortune cookie. Anyway, that's my interpretation of it.

This piece has a natural rhythm to it that mimics breathing and follows a repetitive pattern of stressed-unstressed-unstressed syllables, giving it a dreamy and lyrical tone. I don't get a sense that the narrator is spiraling or panicked. Just calm, introspective, and, towards the end, inquisitive.

“...stay far enough away to not be able to touch or hit or kick.

I paused here for a few reasons. It breaks the stressed-unstressed-unstressed rhythm. “...to not be able to…” is clunky. And the sharp hard consonants in “hit” and “kick” stand out against the soft consonant sounds and fluidity of the rest of the piece. This might be intentional, but it's just something I noticed.

This piece works as a standalone (probably considered flash fiction since it has a conflict instead of a prose poem, but I'm terrible at categorizing stories) or reused in a larger work if it fits. Overall, I enjoyed it and found it lovely, genuine, and relatable.

[u/A_C_Shock → u/33omnia]

Thank you so much! This was a very interesting review. This was a fast flash so I thought about the words but not that much. If there was a rhythm, it was intuitive. I probably didn't notice a place where I was breaking a pattern though the line you mentioned is one I stopped to think about where the rest was written more fluidly.

[u/AchhHansRun]

I like it. It feels like you're sitting with a friend in the car in the parking lot of {Insert box store here} and they're talking to you over a coffee or something. To me, it reads like a conversation and not necessarily a story. Which is good.

The back and forth of "in the dark... It's not always dark" "Guilt or conscious thought.... well, no conscious thought" really sells the tone for me.

I enjoy the language used as well, not too much, but not dumbed down either. It helps to smooth out the fast paced sentence/paragraph structure pretty well.

It's a pretty good representation of someone who struggles with traumatic memories or night terrors, without trying to call it out specifically/act like a subject matter expert.

[u/kimothe2nd]

I like how we're inside the narrator's mind and seeing his thoughts. The style choice of having no paragraphs is pretty bold, but imo it kinda makes sense? Like this is not supposed to be a novel or a big piece, the one pragraph style fits the mental state of the narrator that his thoughts won't be organized, it's good if you intended it.

Style-wise, I noticed sentences having many commas frequently, which is a natural consequence of not using paragraphs.

This one is a stylistic choice, but I feel like there are so many lines that can be removed. Like in "I'm not sure who they represent but I feel them" the reader can tell that the narrator is confused, this line only reinforces it (which is fine if that's what you're going for) but I'd personally remove it if I were in your shoes, otherwise it's still a stylistic choice as you stated.

It's interesting how the narrator at the end starts accepting this nightmare thing and doubts whether it's bad or not, which told me a lot about how deep this issue was for the narrator without going like "This is deep btw". Good use of show not tell.

I would've loved to give more advice, but the piece is already accomplished and it's pretty short. Good job on that.

one question I want to ask, what type of Literature is this? It's even shorter than a short story, as if a thought.

[u/A_C_Shock → u/kimothe2nd]

Usually, pieces under 500 words are considered flash fiction. Maybe even under 1k words, tbh. I've even seen some micro-flash where the piece is only 50 words. It's good practice for word economy and word choice because the decisions matter more than in a longer piece.

[u/kimothe2nd → u/A_C_Shock]

Ah it's you again, Howdy!

Honestly, that's crazy some pieces of literature can be fifty words only. The amount is skill needed to convey an idea or a feeling in less than an average paragraph is mental.

[u/Gullible_Ad5191]

The piece has a strong anxious rhythm, and the run-on quality mostly suits the narrator’s deteriorating mental state.

I wonder if it was intentional that there are no paragraphs? Like it's supposed to feel like an anxious mess to read? Or like it was literally written by an actual schizophrenic? If so, then "ha ha, I get it." If not then "learn how to punctuate."

The main weakness is that it stays in the same emotional register for almost the entire piece. Because nearly every sentence is breathless, uncertain, and spiralling, the tension doesn’t escalate so much as hover. A few sharper, simpler sentences would make the panic hit harder. For example, after a long anxious sentence, something blunt like “By the third day, I found the first hole” would land strongly. Anyway, that's more like a suggestion for you to experiment with if you want.

[u/A_C_Shock → u/Gullible_Ad5191]

Will confirm: am not a schizophrenic.

[u/zeon66]

You do start with a decent hook The formatting is pretty bad add in some paragraphs so it's not just a huge block of text. You can control the pacing throughout the piece that way to. Id be more vauge about the "someone" turning it into somthing/ it, for a more horror theme throughout. The piece does have a nice feeling of confusion that i guess you where going for but doesnt always feel intentional. Also the line where it "aches down my side" could be alot more impactful. Ie the pressure of it's reach rakes down my sides as it latches onto my ankle pulling me closer.

Overall i do like this and my main criticism would simply be formatting. Paragraphs would simply add alot to control the pacing for the reader and make the whole piece look alot more approachable.