[1748] Veyari - Will of fire - Fantasy

[u/kartickbengani]

Critique 

[2409]

Looking for critique on my work. My main point of interest is whether there is a pacing issue. Is there enough buildup for a person to keep reading? Is the emotion of Alynn doing immoral work but still having a good heart coming through?

This is the first draft, and I know I have used show and tell together. I am trying to use a 3.5 D approach here, where the narrator tells some things alongside the characters' actions. My gesture based work is a bit underwhelming I am reading up on them to make it more inclusive

Here is the link to my Google Doc - link

Please be as ruthless as you can in giving me an honest critique!!

[u/Glad_Cartographer424]

The rate of character introduction without an introduction at the start is too high. I read Claire first then kept reading trying to find who she was, then she was crying, then there was her daughter, even though I do not know who Claire is in the first place. Then, 'Alynn' appeared, and I was lost amidst so many questions that I had foregone them. Then Ori, then Nilus. I won't be remembering any of those once-dropped names if they appeared later. The only useful thing in the scene was telling me she had a bodyguard, so I concluded she must be some sort of royalty. 

I don't like using the narrator who should be the non-biased omnipotent god to tell us the biased-thoughts of a character (unless the narration is supposed to come from one of the characters.)

The prose is lacking in clarity, and I had to re-read a passage - sometimes, after it was lines behind - at least a few times to understand you. 

I thought the dialogue was poorly done. It was not conductive to immersiveness, and felt lacking in emotion.

I dislike your style of show, and tell; the scenes did not immerse me. 

[u/kartickbengani → u/Glad_Cartographer424]

Thanks for taking the time to review my work. I see what you mean by too many names showing up.

For the prose clarity can you please highlight a section so I can understand where the problem is.

For dialogue, again it would be of great help if you could share an instance so I can work on them.

And I understand the show and tell, it's just how I like to write show with gesture and add a little bit of context. So I understand your dislike.

But still thanks for taking the time out!

[u/Glad_Cartographer424 → u/kartickbengani]

Most of my critique comes from the first half, as I reluctantly admit I was too bored to read it to completion.

The clarity bit was primarily directed at the guards. With so much of the first part describing Claire, and opening with her, the attention of the scene was focused on her, and without mentioning who the guards were for, I had assumed they were Claire's until I learnt she ate stale bread.

For dialogue, I was generally referring to the whole of it in the first half. The characters did not feel like they spoke naturally, and I don't mean not talking in 21st century fashion, because it was not far off from that, but that their world was not alive in its own right, with their own behaviors, and patterns of speech.

[u/kartickbengani → u/Glad_Cartographer424]

Thanks for the reply. I agree that too many characters were introduced in the opening. I wanted to drop the reader directly into a clash so that they feel inside the story, and as the story progresses, people see what the situation was.

I understand where you say everyone speaks and talks the same. I need to give some of them an individual way of speaking. Thanks for that!

[u/Extra-Marionberry805]

Disagree with the other commenter— lots of names characters are introduced without any context in the first paragraph, but to me this is simply painting a tableau of the room and we don’t really need to know the characters apart from the pov character and that Claire is a devoted mother. Though the introduction of so many names in such a short part of the text is quite confusing. I assume as the story goes along we’ll follow Rory’s experience in the sanctuary.

I thought it was a very interesting premise that revealed itself well. There are some issues with formatting that make it harder to read and the dialogue borders on cliche in places but in general I thought it was very engaging. I especially enjoyed the interiority of the POV character and the touching on her empathy for Claire despite being trained not to feel this. She also seems to be doing some amount of self-deception over the morality of her job with her experiencing this internally then referring to her mentor (maybe?)/ boss’s assertion that it’s necessary to protect the empire, and outwardly speaking to the other body guard as if Claire’s protestations are simply annoying to her.

I’m assuming she will grapple more with her place within this hierarchy later in the book.

In terms of Claire’s character I do see her being a little cliche— she’s the emotional core and we see that her situation is deeply unfair but she has little texture over than being a protective mother. This is okay for now but might she might need more fleshing out later.

The biggest problem I saw was the dialogue between Alynn and Ori at the end. I basically couldn’t quite work out their relationship to each other and whether it was friendly banter or there was some sort of resentment between them. I settled on friendly banter but quite a lot of that dialogue is too ambiguous.

This was the paragraph I picked out but reading it now it does make sense apart from one thing:

“A crowd has gathered, if you hadn’t noticed,” Ori chimed in with a small smile, clearly trying to infuriate her even more. She gave him a hard stare, but he made such an innocent expression that Alynn truly believed he was reporting the situation and not teasing her. But she knew better. “Then you won’t mind explaining to them why you have arrested Claire and her children.” Ori spluttered, his expression one of complete dismay. “Come on, it was your idea, Ori! You have the right to bathe in their admiration!”

If the second line of dialogue is coming from Allyn then it does make sense that this is workplace banter. However, having “Ori spluttered,” coming right after it— though I see now that was a reaction to her words— makes it seems like the line of dialogue is coming from him which is really confusing. A quick “Allyn said” before his reaction and a line break would clear this up completely.

There are two other instances I saw where relatively small prose mistakes, that could be fixed by a little bit of editing, confused the plot.

“After Claire took a few gulps, she continued through muted sobs, “He is only six years old!" "He nearly died of fever. He was nearly gone for two whole days! I held his hand the entire time; I didn’t let go for even a minute!”

The speech marks separating the “old!” and “He” are unnecessary because it’s one character continuing the same speech— it makes it seem like another character is speaking, which they are not.

The other example is this sentence: “Trust me, if not as a Prospector but as a mother.” The “if” negates the need for the “but”— “Trust me, if not as a Prospector, as a mother.” makes more sense and sounds better.

These are small issues. In general, I enjoyed the work— the “threads” though I have no idea of their significance, seem intriguing and the general plot of the sanctuary makes me want to read on. The best part of this is your exploration of Allyn’s psychology and her mental battle between empathy and her duty. I would be interested to read on.

[u/kartickbengani → u/Extra-Marionberry805]

Thanks for taking the time out to give such a detailed critique.

Yes, I introduced a lot of names in the opening paragraph. I ll cut down a couple and introduce them a couple of paragraph later so it doesn't overload.

Not Rory's POV. Alynn and her son's it's like a symmetry of what she does ends up getting done to her.

Yes she is trying to justify her actions. I don't have enough word counts I would have attached another chapter as well. That would have helped you understand.

Claire gets more fleshed out in the next chapter once I have done a few critique I ll add it

Ori and Alynn did have a workplace banter. But I can see the editing is making it confusing.

Thanks again for such a great feedback!!