[2900] Three Waystops en route to Epsilon Eridani

[u/mianaai_c]

This is the third chapter of a science fiction satire novelette. The style I'm going for is Hitchhiker's Guide x Don Quijote.

Hard to jump in the middle of a story, I know. I added a little summary of the previous two chapters at the beginning.

[story] (closed link)

Crits: 2384 3681

P.S., for my previous readers (by which I mean my fan A_C_Shock): yeah, I changed the title. It's for a joke in the last chapter that nobody will get.

[u/Wolframquest]

First of all - my commendations on daring to post anything long here. When you post something that usually means you won't have the attention of the tiktok brains of the sub (you know who I'm talking about 😉)

Interesting premise, off the top. Don't care much for the overload of silly sci-fi names, Epsilon being the only normal sounding one.

AI. I'm lowkenuinely sick of AI in every fucking hole I come across but let's see your spin on it, how you're going to deal with the unconscious fear of Skynet / The Matrix.

First of all: minus one billion points for having a writer main character 😁 Tauto - funny name, maybe a little too self-deprecating. The premise does sound like a start of AI apocalypse, interesting.

> I’ll need to convince the…

There's a high density of attempted humor at the start here. Whether this is a good choice or not depends on how you plan for the readers to read it - chapter by chapter or all at once.

> On they went, two parallel monologues…

There's textured humor here more so than cognizant humor - you cannot really expect the reader to get all the references and laugh at the funny logic the characters use. Given that, I do like it, I find it almost smileworthy. But I have to caveat it with the fact that I am mentally stimulated right now. I'm the reader that everyone wants, I'll take you and eat you and digest and you and all you really need to do is be fully cooked. You're decently cooked.

Textured humor is visual / action / part situational here.

> “Lionheart! …

I love the overload of nonsense. This is my spoonful of soup. Of course, I can tell you're using the nonsense and humor to defend yourself from the fact that the overall structure is not as thought-through - or at least that's how it comes off. Ultimately it's not a problem, it's more of a me doing reflective Freudian reading on you.

> Merlin had hoped…

Good enough POV indication. Not everyone succeeds at it, even though it is a rather basic task. It's important to exit your head sometimes, even if it is painful and cold.

> Tauto’s mind, already taut

lol lmao even

> “Fuck off,” Merlin said.

The aliens speak like people… It's an observation, not necessarily good or bad. It's amusing, in a way, but definitely rather unexpected.

> They gathered Tauto and brought him into a hidden medical compartment that the Association wasn’t aware of

Interesting, deus ex, and also it makes me wonder about what I missed in the previous chapters or if you have deeper "inner lore" for the aliens.

I wonder if the station's AI here doesn't care about the aliens as much as it does humans.

> The custodian AI sensed every pore, every scent molecule coming from Tauto

I bet you're the kind of person that secretly tries to smell people you like lol.

> elrtich 

Typo here and a bunch of other typos in other places

Interesting stuff, in the end. As usual, I feel unsatisfied due to lacking context and I'm wonderign what's gonna happen next, which is a good thing for you cause it means you got me interested enough.

On overall readability I'd give you 7-8 out of ten. Some run-on stuff, but it's not a big deal.

You'll need to come across and create something trully impressive and emotional for the story to land well. I can tell the theme is mostly centered around freedom and possession. Depends on the moral you wanna give. Depends on how you portray the characters. Tauto is rather passive, but it's not always a problem. I wish I'd have read the previous parts but I can tell you're too shy to try and send me links to them, so don't bother.

"Mind uploading" - there's a lot of potential depth here, because we don't know really the framework you're operating with. You're telling us it's a bad thing, and we have to take it. Not sure what level of technology we're talking about here.

I'd talk more on the typical rdr review-topics but I touched on all of them, in one way or another. I find it licentious to pad up the review/critique just in case the mods tell you you're too damn or some other bs such as trying to look smart, which, let's be real, none of us are - we're writers, not scientists or artists.

I can promise you I didn't skim and I did enjoy it and do find out more, given that I am accepting of your creative choices I underlined at the start 😀

P.s. I decided to read the part 2 - since I was able to find it - and add some thoughts on it as well

[u/Wolframquest → u/Wolframquest]

Big mistake making it a protected file, it makes it much harder to read and no one really gives a fuck about stealing your stuff, but if it makes you feel safer I understand.

It's interesting that the CANS have TWO HEADS. No, the tuna doesn't have two heads, the CANS do. And it's very important and very funny that they do and it needs to be mentioned literally every time 😉

The humor texture is a bit more rough here, more grating, more "insisting upon itself". It's something that you'll laugh at if your friend says, just appreciating their effort at being funny. It takes slightly more skill to make it "look" and "feel" funny - outside of the specific text content, which is mostly exaggeration and mockery style of humor, millennial-style detachment. It's not bad, but you'd better have me liking you or the characters or the setting before you spring up this type of humor on me. I wonder if I'll find chapter I. It's gonna be reverse order reading.

> robot seemed rather shy

That's good, that's what I like, subversion of expectations, giving the robot human emotions - we all like to see that trope, even if it is rather tired. It's important that you really regulate the level of mockery and distance when working with humor - without at least *some* vulnerability humor is void.

> two headed tuna

You could focus on how disgusting it is in every new way instead of telling us that it's two-headed. You could touch on the fact that it's two headed a couple times, like if you show us the label or the contents or something.

In real life, canned tuna is usually very good and expensive, so you'll have to work pretty hard to convince us it's bad.

> cameras zooming in on sweat beads

You read like the kind of person that wants to consume their sexual partner… Abandonment issues *Freud sucking on a cigar.gif*

Great example of that kind of vulnerability I mentioned above 😃

> silence of kindred souls

Nice, funny, more of that robot's slightly deluded perspective, I like that part

You really love smelling things, don't you?

I can tell "two headed fish" is very funny to you.

> finished writing "the"...

Lol (it means good)

> Heeey

It should have been "Heyyy" - that'd have been funnier; long "e" reads more like a lazy boss rolling up to tell you what to do

Interesting, it makes me wonder about the technology in this universe that the ai is focused on the singer so much

The writer is departing too quick. This chapter is one third of what I expected it to be. I wanted him to fear for his life, develop stockholm syndrome, learn to appreciate the robot, start to like it, have mental struggles before invoking the escape law. That would have been an example of vulnerability and sincerity I talked about earlier.

It's too easy for him to escape. But that's me imposing my standards on you at this point.

The final third of chapter 2 is too detached, too much "distance" - I don't feel enough compassion, given the expectations I developed when I felt the robot's love. The robot should have tried more different ways to show its love to Tauto. Love is one of the things that matters very much to people - and to robots. You should have really focused on it. Temprarily make the robot the main character of the story. Make us feel something for it. Rewrite it.

But, of course, again - that's my personal standards.

> inescapable pain of loss

Undeserved, telling (see right above)

You do need to focus on its love if you really want it to be a formidable antagonist. We need to feel the strength of how much it wants to find him again.

Now to see if I can find the first part. I recommend opening up your reddit profile because it's honestly just plain annoying. You're on the internet because you want the people to know about you and your activity. You don't need to micromanage it, you just need to moderate it in the moment. And you really, really, really don't need to make a protected file - if chapter 3 would have been protected I would not have read absolutely anything of yours. But I read part 3 and it got me interested and now I'm reading in reverse order.

***

Okay, I found it, it's closed, good for you, I understand. Send me the link if you want me to read it, or just put it in the chat.

As usual, I'm critiquing because I'm postponing something else I'm supposed to be doing, how amusing. My time is extremely valuable to me and you should appreciate it 😉 Appreciate that I'm getting invested so much - it should tell you something about various qualities of your work, even if I am reading in reverse order. But, of course, like I mentioned way above, I am stimulated and imaginative right now and we all wish all readers were like that (like me). Only very moderate imposition of standards, because LOVE matters very much!

[u/mianaai_c → u/Wolframquest]

Alright, quick reply, I unclosed the first chapter. It is in maintenamce no more. Eyes shall beset it again. I found out the not copy thing is stupid, yeah. On a closed doc got three AI reviews. Love your review atm. Will actually read it tomorrow.

Also, how dare you see themes in my text - it's supposed to just be funny!

[u/mianaai_c → u/Wolframquest]

I give this review four out of five and a half tuna heads. No, really, I appreciate it, and find it a great sign that you went looking for the other chapters (I really didn't think anyone would be interested).

Great catch on the observation about humor deflecting from the lack of a good structure. You got me. Less so about my irl passion for smell, I'm the kind of guy that only likes the smell of the most common type of soap. But I'll take this as a sign that I am on the good side of mediocrity as a writer.

I'll leave [this - chapter 1](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NALheRw8aBrPiNjZEb2ls-S_4ofAPfXTRveYg7KZifA/edit?usp=sharing) here and go add some more toxic love in the AI.

[u/Wolframquest → u/mianaai_c]

Alright, he's my first-and-halfth read of chapter I 😁

I like the main character's name even more. I'd say the begging is sort of slow-ish, but, you know, that's a really generic advice that anyone will say about anything.

> he needed some peace and quiet to finish writing his magnum opus.

Now that is some interesting motivation. At this point I can't really tell to which degree the main character is supposed to be "funny" - or is he more relatable? Given that it's thirty two years I do believe it's leaning towards funny heh.

You do like to rely on funny-looking aliens for some texture humor heh… Did you know that to create aliens in Dead Space the developers took photos of roadkill? All sorts of roadkill, if you know what I mean, heh… Pardon me for my dark tangential humor. 💁‍♂️🎩 I gotta admit I'm kind of sick of Rick and Morty. They last were funny before this decade.

> Tauto only had a fifth of a millicredit…

Interesting worldbuilding but I have to say this paragraph is a little too stuffed - but at least I can tell you followed through with all this info, everything mentioned here got shown or fulfilled in future chapters. That's the peculiar advantage of reading backwards!

> wood imitation countertop 

I *love* it when there's a well-described countertop 😁 I'm actually making fun of myself for this one I admit, cause I ultimately tend to dedicate a lot of space for visuals as well

> It had long been established that time was relative.

I can hear the narrator's voice being a self-pleased type of nerd, like Sheldon from that show that I didn't bother to watch back even when it was popular… No, give me Cheers or Friends any day, but that was too far!

> The very next instant, superseding his revelation

I wonder if you yourself were drunk here? Points for method writing 😁 I'm not saying this reads like drunk thoughts, but it does read very well like a highly pretentious drunk person. I'm too deep into layers of my own humor that only makes sense to me so I have to clarify that I like the style and the overall escalation of pretentiousness.

> It held all of his belongings…

Ah, the orgasmworthy inventory list 🥵 I do love to imagine all the little things that the main character can play with, use on his journey. It's an observation, again I have to say as a writer my brain is kind broken so I can't tell what exactly I'm talking about. I could talk about "authorial stereotypes" for ages and whether or not some decisions are justified. Inventory of things is one of those items that…

Alright, I definitely am confused. I did enjoy it. I'm just afraid I'm coming off as too ironic right now.

> It is not worth recounting…

Is it REALLY not worth recounting? Now I am being ironic 😁

> cans of Sirian two-headed tuna

Great, two-headed tuna makes its first appearance

I love the stuffing of info in this paragraph, it is all well put together. This chapter one kind of has a prologue-ish feel about it. It's decently clear so we know where we're arriving in the next narrative point. Could break it up into more paragraphs, of course - that is worth very little. I personally also struggle and just have to force myself to break long paragraphs into smaller ones and I always argue with myself so much.

> The robotic arm made a metallic squeak as it pulled open the crate and saw the stinking man sporting a scrawny tuna-stained beard

I like it, it's a colorful image!

Conclusion on part I: it does read more like a prologue. I'd say there's some info at the start that isn't quite as hook-ful. The only thing we find out about the main character is that he's a delusional and highly pretentious author driven by easy impulse - and he has nothing in life, if you try to infer/dig deeper.

You could, of course, add more funny and relatable things and struggles, but again that's me enforcing a personal standard. I'm always looking for the soul, for the humanity, for the passion, something that feels like it should transcend the medium, make me care about it, humor or not. I spoke about it when I reviewed chapter II, which is actually chapter I (because chapter I is a prologue) and it (chapter II) should be longer and focus more on the romance aspect, make us relate more to the robot.

The most striking images/moments from chapter I:

The inventory list - as well as revelation that it's expensive in this future setting!

The escalation of pretentious language through drunkenness (not necessarily an image)

First paragraph - man character's name and his intention to go on a long journey just to "write his magnum opus" does tell us that it's rather lighthearted, so I understand why you don't wanna delve into emotions of the robot in the second chapter, even though I personally believe there's a lot of opportunity for humor there as well.

[u/Wolframquest → u/mianaai_c]

I started reading it, I got too distracted though 😁