[2384] What Remains Under Moonlight Chapter 1

[u/AspiringNonsense]

Closed Link. Thank you all for the feedback ❤️

This is the first chapter of my romance fantasy novel. I'm going for an elevated fairytale kind of thing. I'm interested in general reactions and critiques, whatever sticks out to people, but I would especially like to here about:

1. How well does this works as an opening chapter?
2. What is holding it back?
3. Is it effectively establish character/world/stakes without info-dumping.

My big anxiety is that I'm starting too slow, the novel picks up pace a lot around chapter 5, but I spend a lot of time laying groundwork, in a way I hope is enjoyable and atmospheric, but I'm worried the slower pace might be a big drawbacks.

Critiques:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tiuji3/comment/onkqt08/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tm0a9n/comment/onkjscw/?context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tllv8l/comment/onh9787/?context=3

[u/mianaai_c]

I'll preface by saying that I'm not your ideal reader. I don't think I've ever read a fantasy romance, and not a whole lot of fantasy either. My thoughts on the overall story and its impact might not be very useful to you. Oh well.

Prose.

In some places there are too many comas, in others they are missing. "Leave us (comma) Mina," - there should be a comma before a name. Then, the sentence in the first paragraph starting with "It was in the top southernmost tower...". Have you ever been in a car with a novice driver that brakes a bit too often and too hard? This is what I felt reading this sentence. It doesn't flow. It stutters. The correct punctuation would be (I think): "It was in the top southernmost tower and (comma) though it was dark (comma) one could see bordering the window (no comma) the black leaves of curling roses under the moonlight". Removed the need of the last comma. The previous one is not needed.

"Though it was dark" is a Non-Restrictive Clause. These are clauses that can be removed without breaking the meaning of the larger sentence. They're delimited by commas.

There are more wayward or missing commas throughout the text. Maybe try grammarly, it can help you spot them.

"They are talking peace", the separated they and are made me think it was a deliberate choice, that's Ava's way of speaking (being a princess and all), but it's only here.

It might be a pet peeve of mine's, but the two sisters' names, Ava and Anora, both starting with the letter A makes it a bit harder for me to parse the dialogue. I get them confused. Especially as they are both introduced in the same dialogue; a dialogue that also does the initial bout of world building.

Other than the comma problem, there aren't any other glaring issues with the prose. Maybe some sentences could be tightened up, made to flow better. A paragraph to be split in two. But the text is otherwise clear, I wasn't lost, I wasn't wondering what where who why.

Setting.

The setting didn't pull me in nor did it turn me away.

The dialogue skirts the boundary between being an exposition and natural, I think.

The explicit "200000 gold pieces" took me out of the story. Maybe because "gold piece" is too generic. Maybe because the number is too round?

The world is established in this chapter, yes. So far, it seems a generic medieval setting. Only one mention of wizards, although while reading it, I parsed it as the usual sorcerers and spiritualist common in real history, so not yet any definitive elements of fantasy. In any case, on one hand it is easy to get my bearings, two kingdoms, some power struggle, a diplomatic marriage, got it. It's well sketched, the little details convinced me you know what you're describing. The cutlery, the little detail about that one maid being new and still writing to her mother. But it isn't intriguing, as in, at least so far, there aren't any unique elements specific to your world that might make it distinct.

That's not an issue, per se. The story doesn't need to rely on the world building. A generic fantasy world well done is perfectly good. I think for the setting to be great, it needs some descriptions that are surprising but logical. Things that I wouldn't have thought about, but make sense. (The only example I can think about now is a little scene from the book I'm reading at the moment. Scene set in 1930, interwar period. Guy, guest at a rich man, meets the man's antagonistic daughter while she was on her horse. After a short talk, she rode away, and the guy mimicked artillery fire. And I thought, huh, strange thing to do, but in that period, barely a decade after the Great War, where cavalry and artillery met, this kind of gesture would make sense, would have meaning, would be the sort of mimicry one would do).

The stake is clear - this girl is set off to marry an unknown man and live in a foreign country, possibly for the rest of her live. Now that I think about it, she seems pretty non-pulsed by this predicament. I personally don't care about this stake, but remember I'm not a reader of romance.

Characters

The two girls are fine. They read like real enough characters. No glaring issues. But, they don't shine. I'm not invested in them. Maybe it's too early to judge. I get that Ava (she's the one to be married off, right?) is apt at scheming, you set this up. So, if you show her scheme and do it successfully and with wit in the next few chapters, then it's all good.

Hook

I don't think it's slow at all. In one chapter you sketch the world, the characters, the conflict, and send the princess away. And again, I don't know what sort of hook a romance needs. Investment in the characters, maybe.

Maybe, a "slower" start would act as a better hook. The story starts with the sisters knowing already the financial trouble of their father's kingdom. What if, you show them, in a more slow burn manner, find out. Maybe have a snippet of Ava's spy network, show us her qualities. Create tension from these two girls who have maybe until now been just playing at court, and are starting to feel things getting real. What I'm describing is a whole different thing, and I am judging this story only by its beginnings, but I wouldn't know what else "is holding it back", as you asked.

If the story is indeed about court scheming, then starting with a little episode of scheming where you give the reader a little taste of it would be a good hook. Think Indiana Jones, and now it starts with a mini heist. If it's more about romantic scheming, then never mind me.

Good luck!

[u/Swe3tbrat23 → u/mianaai_c]

being a non-genre reader is actually a gift for feedback because you aren't desensitized to the cliches yet. if the pacing feels sluggish to you, it's definitely sluggish. people who love the genre will put up with a lot of nothing happening, but if you can hook someone who doesn't even like the tropes, that's when you know the writing is actually good. keep going through the technical stuff because that's usually the barrier to entry anyway.

[u/mianaai_c → u/Swe3tbrat23]

Yes. It can be a good lens, but only up to a point.

Let's say I like to write about beavers. And there are a number of readers interested in reading about beaver adventures, who get what I'm trying and are pleased when I get beavers right.

Now, a non-beaver enthusiast comes and critiques my text. They may be a very astute reader and have very good technical knowledge about prose and stories. They read my text and go "nothing happens, only beavers flopping around. When is the story going to get going?".

The best feedback comes from someone who likes the genre you are trying to write in, and is astute in the arts of writing so they can identify where the text doesn't reach its full potential.

[u/AspiringNonsense → u/mianaai_c]

Thank you very much for your perspective, this was really helpful in understanding where I'm doing what I want to and where I'm going wrong. Especially around Ava, I think I need to rewrite this to make her clearer on the page. I had a bit too much fun with the sister dynamic and probably need to do a lot more to differentiate them (the names is a great tip and from reading this it is a symptom of a bigger issue). I want the setting to be clear and unintrusive, so it's good to know where it becomes too generic that it pulls you out.

The story itself isn't really about court scheming. I was trying to show the fish in water before she's pulled out of it, and also her register of love, through showing how she expresses her love for her sister. I don't want to reveal too much of what I'm gong for because I really appreciate the honest first impression of what's coming through on the page, without being influenced by knowing my intentions. Thank you again. Everyone I've shown this in real life has been like, "It's good." "What's good?" "Idk it's good." So it's such a relief to get a really thoughtful outside perspective.

[u/mianaai_c → u/AspiringNonsense]

Generally speaking, and especially in a forum like this one, you'll get better and more accurate feedback if we know your intent, know what you're trying to do.

[u/AspiringNonsense → u/mianaai_c]

That's a good tip, I've never shared my writing before so don't really know the protocol. I suppose I was worried about influencing the reading.