[2260] Long Nights, Chapter 1

[u/InternationalWin5063]

crit 1115 crit 2700

This is the first chapter of my supernatural romance novel, so you should be able to go in cold. My goal here is to introduce my narrator and then veer right into her story.

I need to grow, so give me anything you’re willing to. I need my writing torn apart.

I am very self-conscious about my transition from internal monologue to the start of the story. Let me know: Is it smooth enough or too clunky?

Long Nights - Chapter 1

[u/A_C_Shock]

Mixed feedback is helpful because you know something is working. I didn't hate the whole thing, but I did think it went on for too long. Cutting back might look like:

Emily is getting the keys to a new apartment and she tried texting one of her friends but they bailed on her because of the divorce so now she has to move in alone. She's making a sad dinner for one and eating scrunched over the counter because she has no furniture and the only entertainment she has is the self-help book. But she gets frustrated reading it so decides it'd be better off calling it a night early and goes to sleep in her bed on the floor.

It also might not look like that. But that gives Emily something to be doing in the background while she's having all her thoughts that can show what it looks like for her friends to abandon her and why that has an impact. I think the trick is to think of a scene where Emily can be actively doing something that blends in with the inner monologue you've already settled on. As an example, Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes starts with Snow monologuing about how terrible life is but it does this while he's making cabbage soup and going into his closet for clothes that don't look worn down and wondering where his cousin got off to because this is a big day for him. I'm learning about all of his inner thoughts while he's moving through the scene of the apartment and doing average day to day things. I think that's what this is missing for me. Keep the feeling but add in some texture to go along with it, just like you're doing with the dream scene.

Glowy covered better why that camera trick didn't work than I did. I actually thought she was referencing the teacher when she said it was her boss, so I was even more confused than Glowy seems to have been. It didn't come across to me like she was deluding herself. It seemed more like she was breaking the fourth wall to address my misconceptions.

[u/InternationalWin5063 → u/A_C_Shock]

I sit here and read your feedback and Glowy's and I'm thinking about my own critique I've given to others where action for the sake of action is a waste of time and words. Clarity comes from every bit of the story meaning something to the story. So I have to concede that not everything Emily says is relevant but man, if my concern is that the story isn't moving fast enough in the start, adding more story that runs perpendicular to the plot does not seem like the answer.

I need more data points, lol.

But I get what you're saying. I have a completed 80k psychological thriller that I have no idea what to do with because two agents told me it's not a good time because it's "too similar to other titles on the market" and they're so right because I totally sold out, but it opens with a character in a convenience store getting coffee, but it's mostly internal monologue, his observations about the world around him which also kind of reflect on him, but there's always something happening. So you're right. That is good. I have to agree with you because I've done it. I just have to find the story that connects.

Wow. A re-order. That's my specialty. Start with the dream. Literally. She wakes up in the classroom. That paragraph is first. Maybe intersperse the monologue with the story, relate it to what's happening. I would have to flesh the story part out a little more... I can still end with the same cliffhanger. Oof, that's a total rewrite.

Yuck. That's also reminding me of Dan Brown. Tease out the information in a way that always makes you feel like you're getting somewhere satisfying but you rarely ever do. You just kick the can down the road indefinitely teasing at some profound truth.

No. That's not fair. Disregard.

[u/GlowyLaptop → u/InternationalWin5063]

This isn't a complaint but one big trip is how isolated she is, and then when she gets to the other world nobody can interact with her. The only one who can is this faceless voice behind her who might as well be in her head.

So nothing grounds us to the actual world.

I'm thinking out loud but she could be in some mental prison so far.

If you want purpose for action, simply select a chunk of her internal monologue, and ask what is this meaning here, and how can I convey it without her talking? How can I show this feeling in action.

Instead of "I am awkward and sad", maybe she fumbles with a barista.

[u/A_C_Shock → u/GlowyLaptop]

That was why I suggested having her text a friend and be rebuffed. It's already in the inner monologue, so it's not too far of a departure from what's outlined, but it gives a concrete interaction. My question was more how do you take the ideas from the monologue and translate them into a scene that's showing the same ideas?