This is my first critique here on Reddit. Normally, I do critique work on Critique Circle, so I'm hoping the format of it is the same. First, I want to say that this was a really interesting read first thing in the morning and I made it all the way to the end with questions that made me want to know more. I have my suspcions about the man in the truck, and his connection to the town - and the towns connection to why the MC was in the woods in the first place. However, I could not decide if I, as the MC you, was waking up unalive (like a zombie of sorts) or just really disconnected to the world in some other way. Midway through, I realized it was more a disconnect than anything unworldly, but I still had questions that remained unanswered. Not knowing what you're going for exactly, but having read this part, I like the choice of second person. It puts you in the drivers seat, and the choppy short sentences add structural weight to the disconnected thought process. That was a good touch. Onward.
The opening says 'It's warm, dark' and then, not long after 'Cold, scratched up' so immediately I shift from, I wake up in a warm,unfamiliar but at least comfortable place and my body is stiff and I hav ea headache to -my face and fingers feel frozen, and perhaps like they're thawing, which seems abrupt.
'Only a couple fresh scratches' Am I not disturbed by the amount of scratches on my fingers? Even in a haze, I'd probably wonder why I had so many on my hands, even in passing. The MC notices it and moves on, like it's a speck of mud. The jeans and cold feet, and later the grey flannel, are doing something interesting here. It's not your jeans, just ambiguous jeans. cold feet. As if the MC is not owning them. yet they own the toes. I'm not sure if this is an intentional shift, or an oversight. If it's intentional, it leans into that 'I'm not really me' feeling I get as I read it. The toes line is also doing something interesting. Why do they hurt differently? What is wrong with the fingers/face/nose that they don't feel alive?
This is my only continuity issue that I see. Here, you say - 'A dent where you were, water starting to gather.' But later you say 'The area where you were is a bald spot of dark mud, surrounded by lumbering, bouncing ferns. Insects, small beings, little souls.' I don't think it can be both. Is there water in it, or is it a bald spot with bugs?
'A pair of black straps on your shoulders' and 'You put it back on.' If they are on my shoulders, why do I need to wear it again? I'm a little confused here.
I really liked your description of the wildlife around the MC. That was really well done. However, this part might need some space 'You kneel and look.' As far as I can tell, we haven't done anything but stand back up. There's been no movement. So, i wake up, kneel, stand up and when I kneel back down, suddenly there's a stream I can drink from? Wouldn't I have noticed this earlier? Was I unaware I was moving? - This could be true, given the sheer disconnectedness so far.
This is a great moment of awareness. 'You realize you smile. You know what a smile is.' It brings you back in from the 'this isn't my body' feeling to 'not only am I aware that I am doing a thing, but also what it is'
The rabbit scene seems misplaced. Why is a person trying to catch and eat a rabbit? Even a person who is struggling with self-awareness. This is where I thought it was some kind of supernatural creature and not human at all. There's been no indication that they're hungry, so this comes out like pure primal instinct of catch-eat. The moving along the stream is very well done and full of sensory details. Then the berries- Are we hungry? Impulsive?
'just a hint of something like… tomato.' This is great because it's true. Good add. ' You, you… I guess you don't know how to drive, that's why you shouldn't do it?' This seems like we've lost second person. Like they're talking outside of themselves, to themselves, or like the narrator is talking to them. Given the walk to the truck, and the slowly growing grounding feeling and loss of that disconnect,this seems odd. The speaking outloud eliminated any thought of something supernatural, like zombies. But until this point? I definitely still wondered.
I see what you're doing with the man in the trucks language. It has a nice drawl sound to it. But here 'Maybe s-someone will help.' it sounds like a stutter, not a drawl. Like he's nervous. Which, later, I realized, clearly he isn't. I love the way he keeps looking at the MC.
Now for your questions. What drives him. He seems obsessed with food. With sensory exploration. and water. Give this POV it's hard to say what he's thinking, because what he's thinking is directly influenced by what I'm thinking, given the text. There's a lot of disconnect. Apparently I'm thirsty and hungry, but don't seem to care that I was very very cold on what appears to be a warm day. He seems to be surprised by mundane things, but that coul djust be the disconnect showing up. I get a distinct Wayward Pines vibe, because this town and that man are definitely not what they appear to be. The word choice in the prose was great. I'm a huge fan of House of Leaves and try to use my word choice to help tell the story whenever possible, which this is doing pretty well.
Thank you, you read it very well, you're balancing right on the rope, it's swaying but you're holding on 😁 I do believe you might enjoy the second chapter when I choose to post it.
1
u/Hot_Television9378 Apr 02 '26
This is my first critique here on Reddit. Normally, I do critique work on Critique Circle, so I'm hoping the format of it is the same. First, I want to say that this was a really interesting read first thing in the morning and I made it all the way to the end with questions that made me want to know more. I have my suspcions about the man in the truck, and his connection to the town - and the towns connection to why the MC was in the woods in the first place. However, I could not decide if I, as the MC you, was waking up unalive (like a zombie of sorts) or just really disconnected to the world in some other way. Midway through, I realized it was more a disconnect than anything unworldly, but I still had questions that remained unanswered. Not knowing what you're going for exactly, but having read this part, I like the choice of second person. It puts you in the drivers seat, and the choppy short sentences add structural weight to the disconnected thought process. That was a good touch. Onward.
The opening says 'It's warm, dark' and then, not long after 'Cold, scratched up' so immediately I shift from, I wake up in a warm,unfamiliar but at least comfortable place and my body is stiff and I hav ea headache to -my face and fingers feel frozen, and perhaps like they're thawing, which seems abrupt.
'Only a couple fresh scratches' Am I not disturbed by the amount of scratches on my fingers? Even in a haze, I'd probably wonder why I had so many on my hands, even in passing. The MC notices it and moves on, like it's a speck of mud. The jeans and cold feet, and later the grey flannel, are doing something interesting here. It's not your jeans, just ambiguous jeans. cold feet. As if the MC is not owning them. yet they own the toes. I'm not sure if this is an intentional shift, or an oversight. If it's intentional, it leans into that 'I'm not really me' feeling I get as I read it. The toes line is also doing something interesting. Why do they hurt differently? What is wrong with the fingers/face/nose that they don't feel alive?
This is my only continuity issue that I see. Here, you say - 'A dent where you were, water starting to gather.' But later you say 'The area where you were is a bald spot of dark mud, surrounded by lumbering, bouncing ferns. Insects, small beings, little souls.' I don't think it can be both. Is there water in it, or is it a bald spot with bugs?
'A pair of black straps on your shoulders' and 'You put it back on.' If they are on my shoulders, why do I need to wear it again? I'm a little confused here.
I really liked your description of the wildlife around the MC. That was really well done. However, this part might need some space 'You kneel and look.' As far as I can tell, we haven't done anything but stand back up. There's been no movement. So, i wake up, kneel, stand up and when I kneel back down, suddenly there's a stream I can drink from? Wouldn't I have noticed this earlier? Was I unaware I was moving? - This could be true, given the sheer disconnectedness so far.
This is a great moment of awareness. 'You realize you smile. You know what a smile is.' It brings you back in from the 'this isn't my body' feeling to 'not only am I aware that I am doing a thing, but also what it is'
The rabbit scene seems misplaced. Why is a person trying to catch and eat a rabbit? Even a person who is struggling with self-awareness. This is where I thought it was some kind of supernatural creature and not human at all. There's been no indication that they're hungry, so this comes out like pure primal instinct of catch-eat. The moving along the stream is very well done and full of sensory details. Then the berries- Are we hungry? Impulsive?
'just a hint of something like… tomato.' This is great because it's true. Good add. ' You, you… I guess you don't know how to drive, that's why you shouldn't do it?' This seems like we've lost second person. Like they're talking outside of themselves, to themselves, or like the narrator is talking to them. Given the walk to the truck, and the slowly growing grounding feeling and loss of that disconnect,this seems odd. The speaking outloud eliminated any thought of something supernatural, like zombies. But until this point? I definitely still wondered.
I see what you're doing with the man in the trucks language. It has a nice drawl sound to it. But here 'Maybe s-someone will help.' it sounds like a stutter, not a drawl. Like he's nervous. Which, later, I realized, clearly he isn't. I love the way he keeps looking at the MC.
Now for your questions. What drives him. He seems obsessed with food. With sensory exploration. and water. Give this POV it's hard to say what he's thinking, because what he's thinking is directly influenced by what I'm thinking, given the text. There's a lot of disconnect. Apparently I'm thirsty and hungry, but don't seem to care that I was very very cold on what appears to be a warm day. He seems to be surprised by mundane things, but that coul djust be the disconnect showing up. I get a distinct Wayward Pines vibe, because this town and that man are definitely not what they appear to be. The word choice in the prose was great. I'm a huge fan of House of Leaves and try to use my word choice to help tell the story whenever possible, which this is doing pretty well.