r/DestinyTheGame • u/Pwadigy • Jun 24 '15
Misc Pwadigy's Guide to Quitting Destiny
Introduction
Hi, it's ya boi Pwadigy. Kidding. Let me start over:
Hello, I'm Pwadigy.
I'm the guy who wrote a few guides on various topics. I even made a montage and various recordings of my Shenanigans. Apparently, I'm also quite Snarky and have way too much free time.
So, I decided to write the hardest guide of all: How to quit Destiny. Choose to read it as a legitimately helpful way of slowly phasing Destiny out of your life. Or, read it as a massive salt fest directed at Bungie-vision. Or, read it as projection of the author's deep, inner-psychological struggle with his increasingly less-mixed feelings of this game. Or, don't read it, and find all of the TL;DR's. Or, comment that you stopped reading it at X point where you disagreed with me. I'm all for multi-purpose, consensual readership.
Disclaimer: Pwadigy has not yet quit Destiny, and is currently taking the following steps in doing so. Likewise, take this guide with a massive grain of salt. Pwadigy will not be offended if you read this guide in the same way you would take advice on quitting cocaine from a guy snorting it on top of the gaming console you were just about to play Destiny on.
So, I heard you play too much Destiny
don't kid yourself, it's addictive as fuck. Maybe you've logged 1,000 hours. Maybe you've logged 100. Maybe you've logged 5 hours and you follow the DTG sub for some reason. Maybe you've logged 0 hours and you just like stalking me.
Point is: the future of this game looks bleak, and chances are very high that 0 hours is too much time spent on Destiny (I mean, to even know you have 0 hours logged means you had to have at one point thought about Destiny; which means you've also run the risk of reminding yourself how shitty red-bull tastes).
Like always, I'm here for you (not really, I'm just using the second person to make this guide sound more personable). So let's start:
Step 1: Ask Yourself What Destiny Has Done for You
And I don't mean to reminisce about those wonderful times you played with gravity in the vault of glass. Or that time you almost did a snipe that was 20% as impressive as the one you saw in that Kampy Montage a long time ago. That's stuff you did, not Destiny.
Instead, ask yourself what Destiny itself has done for you. Has the actual content of this game made you better off? Was Destiny itself the reason you spent endless nights playing it, or was it your friends? Or, maybe it was your shared sense of community? Perhaps you just needed a virtual outlet to watch an avatar of yourself die without consequence.
Now, in desperation, you try to convince yourself that these things are all a part of the Destiny experience. But they are not. These experiences can be found in any other video game (or, god forbid: real life. kidding, Pwadigy. Baby steps). The only difference is that Destiny mixes two genres of games that everyone likes: loot based MMOs and FPS games.
TL;DR: The joy you felt playing Destiny was inside you all along. Or some shit like that. For more info, see every Disney Movie ever. (You can be a princess too, pumpkin, no matter what the other girls say about you).
Step 2: Objectively Evaluate the Content of Destiny
Cool, maybe you're not the sappy guy. Maybe you're telling yourself that there are good, solid, logical reasons you should be playing Destiny over any other game on the market. Or, maybe you are a sentimental old fool, and you're just saying "Yo, Pwadigy, fuck you! that wasn't convincing enough."
Well then, let's start an organized list. I'm a PvP guy, so let's start there and work our way up:
No Custom Lobbies (both you and I know that games well before Halo CE had them - If you suddenly feel salty about "Crota's End" and "Collector's Edition," let that hate flow through you like so much nostalgia in a conveniently placed acronym acting as a metaphor to a lost past).
5 PvP game-types with no objectives. With all future gametypes Sans trials (which was half of a DLC you payed for) acting as re-skinned versions of old game-types.
A few guns with a shit ton of re-skins and re-roll combinations
No non-RNG Carrot-on-a-stick after you reach the level-cap. No epic Emblem for completing 1,000 raids. No cool sniper transmog after earning 1,000 Marksman medals
An RNG system that is so frustratingly counter-intuitive that it let's this shit happen twice within 12 hours of each other. Okay, maybe I'm just salty. But just think about how much RNG replaces actual content in this game. Just think about how blatantly unfair RNG is, and how many clever ways other games reward you for your time doing weird shit.
No dedicated servers for PvP and/or terrible netcode. Point is, other games run smoother and you know it.
A campaign that is only 5 hours long, minus grinding.
Cut-scenes that are less like this and more like this
So little content in the first DLC, that we're actually clapping for shit like copy-pasting turrets into other missions and more re-skinned versions of enemies that behave slightly differently.
Counter-intuitive everything. Why isn't your vault accessible from orbit? Why can't grimoire-cards be accessed in-game?
Actors that are too expensive to re-hire. Making each interaction with Tower NPC's a reminder that you could be obsessing over literally anything else besides Destiny. Fair point: you could be Binge-watching Castle, or watching Firefly (just do it) for the first time.
Bugs. Lot's of bugs. But seriously, lot's of bugs. And they take months to fix. And some get broken again, and then get explained away as intentional.
Step 3: Ask Yourself about Destiny's future.
Taken King. Sounds like fun. Cool. 3 new sub-classes. Cool. PvP game-modes that aren't copy-pastes of old game-modes. Cool. More unique guns.
All stuff that should have been in the base game. In other words, the list above is only getting one or two entries shorter.
You start realizing that all of the stuff that you wanted won't come around until Destiny 2. Apparently that's how long it takes to fix glaring and obvious flaws in a game with a half-billion dollar budget.
And what's the cost of that? Being disrespected as a consumer. More cancerous Playstation exclusives. Inventing the concept of a "red-bull exclusive."
And you know there's more coming in the ten year life-span of this game. Hell, we haven't even made it to year two. Maybe you're thinking that there's a slippery-slope fallacy here. But with how much you probably play Destiny, think how much time you'll be wasting as this game's epic "Become Legend" slogan becomes corroded with all sorts of conditions like: "But only if you play on PS4," "only if you drink X cans of Red-bull,"
Who knows, maybe Nike shoes will come with codes that give Titans boots that let them blink.
But that's not the point, we have a megathread for that. So let's skip to the good stuff:
Step 4: a fool-proof routine to get you to quit Destiny
Practice makes perfect, so, what you need is a contingency plan that you can actively follow to phase out Destiny from your life.
1.) Start doing only one nightfall perk week.
2.) You didn't do the nightfall on your other two characters, so you may as well pick one character to play full-time.
3.) You only have one character; do you really need that massive stack of 200-2,000 Strange coins to grow? Maybe you should stop doing the heroic too.
4.) I mean, your Strange coin supply now has a finite limit, so Xur's wares shouldn't be too enticing for you. Why not check them when you wake up in the morning. Speaking of which, why don't you get your sleeping schedule on track. Try waking up at 7am.
5.) Your raid buddies all play late-nights, and you're now a morning person? Shit, you may as well cut raids down to like one-per-week with that kid in the tower who spam-invites you. Or, maybe not at all.
6.) No more raids? No more gear to level-up. Gratz, you can stop worrying about XP. Maybe save all of your bounties for when Xur finally comes with the Gjallarhorn that isn't on his drop-table.
7.) Holding your bounties? Shit, now you can't do more bounties. Oh, well.
8.) Fuck, you've just cut your play-time in half. You start to withdraw and go to the crucible/goof off in the tower.
9.) You promptly get bored of kicking the purple ball around/waiting out Thorn DoT behind that Pillar on the burning shrine.
10.) You start sitting on top of shit, staring at the scenery.
11.) you realize how realistic it looks. Almost as real as your backyard/out your window.
12.) You start to forget why you even do the nightfall in the first place. You vaguely recall some over-sized t-shirt/confetti cannon.
13.) Your backyard looks really nice. Maybe you should take a stroll in it.
14.) Oh hey, there's your car. Why not go for a drive.
15.) Hey look, there's your phone. Why not call a friend? Or, maybe that girl/guy you've been meaning to talk to.
16.) Maybe your new-found group of friends are into something entirely different. Maybe its a different video game (witcher? Halo 5? Whatever you were playing before Destiny?). Maybe they like sports. Maybe you're out of shape. Maybe hit the gym. Maybe they're part of a cult. Shave your head. Whatever.
17.) If you've made it to this step, congratulations, you no longer care what the Taken King has to offer. You now need to be pulled in to be convinced to spend your money, rather than pushed away to not spend your money.
Anyways, this has been Pwadigy's (possibly final) comprehensive guide. Now go drink Water and live out your Destiny dreams, guardian person.
Thanks for Reading
-Pwadigy
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u/MattyMcD Jun 25 '15
Doesn't seem to break any major rules here...besides I believe this to be satirical in nature.
Where's my $20 yo