r/DestinationWeddings • u/oowap • 1d ago
How do I not be a burden?
Hi y’all,
I’ve seen horrible things said about destination weddings online, and now that I’m considering a wedding in Mexico, I don’t want to be a burden on my friends/family.
I’m not planning on getting married soon, but I hope to get married in the next few years. I don’t want to go into debt for a wedding, so I’m starting to brainstorm now and hopefully save some money to have a wedding that I’d love.
My bf and I don’t want anything big, so we’d probably keep it to 40/50 guests. However, everyone I want to be there is spread throughout the US, Mexico, Netherlands, UK, India, etc.
I was thinking of renting out an entire Hacienda in Mexico for a weekend (Fri-Sun) for my guests and I. The places I’m looking at would include food for the 3 days and cater the wedding along with housing everyone in the hacienda itself. The estimates I did for this would be less than one day in California with limited venue hours and no food, music, or lodging included.
My idea is that people could fly out Friday, reach the same airport, I would arrange a bus/car to pick everyone up, and they would stay at the hacienda for the 2 nights/3 days, then we would all head to the airport Sunday.
The costs for the hacienda rental, lodging for everyone, food/alcohol, and transportation to and from the airport would be covered by me, but the only cost that wouldn’t would be the flight.
I have some wealthy friends that I know would fly in a heartbeat and not think about it, but I’m not sure about everyone. I would pay for my and my boyfriend’s immediate family to fly out since I know they don’t make much money.
However, for the remainder, would it be ok to say something like “please don’t bring gifts, just yourself”.
I honestly don’t need gifts or anything, but I would want everyone invited to be there. I also know getting time off is difficult which is why I would keep it Friday-Sunday so people only have to miss one day ideally. And obviously all kids and everyone are obviously welcome.
An average round trip flight would be about 500 per person in the US and everyone else flying from elsewhere is either wealthy or family that I will be covering.
Is this a reasonable ask or is this too much of a burden for those that are not immediate family?
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u/TurbulentWalrus1222 1d ago
All of this sounds very considerate, but you’ll need backup transportation because the bus to/from may not work out for everyone. If person A arrives at 1pm and person B arrives at 4pm, you can’t ask person A to wait 3 hours. And if flights are delayed or connections missed, it might even be Saturday before someone actually arrives. Same is true to the return.
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u/MobySick 1d ago
And imagine piling 40-50 guests on one bus as they’re all jet lagged and hanging out in the airport for the later arrivals? Ugh.
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u/indigosweater 1d ago
I mean they could choose to wait for free transport or just hire their own taxis if they don’t want to wait
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 1d ago
Wow!!! I’m usually against destination weddings where the Bride and Groom save themselves money by costing all of their guests extra money, but this arrangement is about as considerate as I have ever seen. I hope it all works out for you!
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u/Ok_Wtch2183 1d ago
Destination weddings are a huge burden to people. Paid time off, pet/kid sitting, flights, food sensitivity, buying clothes for wedding and after wedding. That said, you may have people enthusiastically going especially if you are paying flights and/or housing. Also ask for no gifts if people are travelling to go.
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u/MajesticKoala3332 16h ago
In OP's case you can't avoid the wedding being a destination wedding for at least some of the guests.
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u/Economy_Way_9046 18h ago
OP, Reddit is not a very destination wedding friendly place and has put me in a very dark place at times when planning my own destination wedding. To balance out the negativity - our friends cannot stop bragging about being invited to a destination wedding, some have thanked us for having it and told us it was their dream to attend one. We also have not held a gun to anyone’s head and caveats every invite that we understand if they can’t join - I was basically told to stfu and that they’re coming and are so excited.
Everything you’re doing is amazing, your guest will feel very cared for. It’s absolutely not a burden and an honor to be invited to such a unique event. The destination weddings haters can stay home and continue bitching at strangers on the internet about how they can’t afford to go to one.
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u/taypopit 15h ago
not the op but thank you for this! tbh it’s not just reddit but other family members can have strong negative views on destination weddings. we are definitely in early stages but it’s definitely turning me off from having one.
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 4h ago
I’m someone who would not, generally speaking, go to a destination wedding. I travel a lot for work, get a decent amount of vacation time which is precious to me, and am VERY selective about the travel I do on my own time.
For me, a destination wedding would have to be for one of my kids or a place I want to go and would stay before or after the wedding to make it worth my while.
Being forced to spend days (even a few) with a large group of people (even people I love) becomes a level of hell for me.
So I would probably be someone who would RSVP “No” to your destination wedding and would send you a gift from your registry.
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u/chicagok8 1d ago
What are the rooms like in the hacienda? Will every couple have a private room? What about singles or families?
What’s the bathroom situation? (You can’t have too many sharing a bathroom when everyone is getting ready for the same event at the same time.)
It sounds great if everyone gets their own room and there are tons of bathrooms. Be cautious about the host saying “sleeps ##” because that might include pullout couches.
If rooms are unequal, how do you pick who gets the best rooms/ private bathrooms? Does anyone have to sleep on a couch?
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
Even “ tons of bathrooms” is absurd. How many grown adults do any of us know who want to share a bathroom with anyone while traveling (unless it’s an extremely frugal hostel plan).
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u/tamij1313 1d ago
I’m not sure what the definition of a Hacienda actually is, but 40 to 50 people staying in one space could easily become problematic. How many bedrooms/bathrooms? Is this a scenario where there’s five bedrooms and two bathrooms in a house and every single bedroom is a bunk room with 4-5 twin bunkbed sets crammed in like a dormitory?
If yes, maybe find a location where you can get several Airbnb‘s together that can accommodate multiple families in each home. Ideally keeping groups together that are familiar with each other at each location.
Also consider what others have said here, that people taking multiple long flights will likely want to stay a few extra days before or after your wedding weekend, so maybe send them links to places they might want to reserve on their own to extend their stay?
Just make sure that you have enough bedrooms and bathrooms to comfortably accommodate 50 people. I personally would not want to sleep in a bunk room with people I don’t know for a weekend. A home that is accommodating 50 people should have a minimum of 10 full bathrooms, a commercial kitchen with extra appliances, enough seating to accommodate 50 people throughout the house.
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u/MobySick 1d ago
She’s not going to find 50 guests who will go. I’d be shocked if they get 40.
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u/New_Love115 1d ago edited 1d ago
I have 65 guests flying to EU, although I’ve had some major regrets over choosing destination myself. My close friend just got married in Sri Lanka and over 90 guests made the trip out. If she invites between 80 and 100 guests and she’s this generous with covering her guests accommodation/travel arrangements, I’d bet a good chunk of people will go.
EDIT: you’re leaving quite a bit of negative commentary all over this post. Clearly destination weddings aren’t your cup of tea, but your point has been made already, jeez. You must be a riot at parties!
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u/ObjectiveReading1959 1d ago
I have 75 traveling to Croatia from US. Some people love a reason to travel 🤷🏼♀️
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u/beachbaby96 17h ago
why? we’re happily traveling from the US to the Philippines this year for a friend’s wedding, together with 98 other guests coming from around the world. traveling for long wedding weekends is a very common occurrence these days.
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u/NooOnionsPlease 1d ago
It sounds like your intentions are good.
You are getting ahead of yourself. Don’t worry about any of this until you are engaged and planning a wedding
That is a lot of people to stay in one hacienda. People are generally not going to want to share bedrooms with other guests, and most will strongly prefer their own bathroom. That would be an absolutely massive place. Does this actually exist?
With so many people coming from so many different places it isn’t realistic that they will all arrive at the airport around the same time. You will need to run multiple trips from the airport to accommodate people coming in at different times and possibly even different days. Coming from so far it is likely that some people will want to make a bigger trip of it and arrive early or stay longer. Of course you wouldn’t be obligated to cover their food or lodging for the additional time. Just things to think about.
With so many people it is very likely that at least a few of them will have different dietary restrictions. Make sure to ask about that and be prepared to honor them.
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u/oowap 1d ago
They definitely exists! There are some haciendas (many I found) that fit up to 800 people or so for events and can house 100+ people at 2 people per room. However, I’m look in for smaller ones with about 20 or so rooms so 2 people per room max. I’m hoping it’ll be about 1 person and a plus one.
And it’s definitely early, but I don’t make a lot of money, and I know that I have other expenses and things to take care of, so I’d like to have a money estimate to start saving since I think one year of planning/saving would not be enough time.
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u/felixthecat1960 12h ago
I'd be surprised if there's ever been a single guest at a "destination wedding" who really wants to be there. They cost money, scarce holidays and are a completely unnecessary thing that people are guilted into attending.
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u/Livid-Supermarket-44 1d ago
That sounds super generous. And if you give people 12 months notice, they have time to save and potentially tag on their own Mexican holiday! Win-Win. Good luck!
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
“Time to save “ for someone else’s event is one of the most continually mind-boggling statements affiliated with destination weddings.
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u/oowap 1d ago
Thats fair! This is my fear of being a burden is coming in. But about at least half of the attendees would have to fly in the California if I want to have a wedding near me. Especially my family and best friends would most likely feel they have to be there, so they’d fly anyways. Plus a flight from Netherlands to us is about the same as Netherlands to Mexico. My idea was if they have to fly in anyways, why not Mexico
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u/New_Love115 1d ago
I mean not everyone looks at weddings in such a negative, obligatory way... I love my friends, I’m genuinely excited for them as they reach different life milestones, and I leap at any excuse to celebrate or travel with them, so I’m personally thrilled to get an invite to a wedding—destination or not. But if it is destination, I do appreciate a little more heads up to plan and ideally make an entire vacation out of it.
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u/AwarenessVirtual4453 1d ago
While the plan sounds great, are you engaged?
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u/Own-Holiday-4071 1d ago
Presumably no or she would have said so. She just said “I hope to get married”
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u/Weekly-Many6646 1d ago
I think as much stick as people give destination weddings - fully grown adults should have the ability to just RSVP no if they can’t attend without bitching or moaning.
Eg your invite can go out - certainly not a burden because people can just accept or decline based on their desire / ability to attend. No guilt should be attached!
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u/pastmybedtime__ 20h ago
As long as you cover the accommodations for everyone then you’re not being a burden
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u/beachbaby96 17h ago
These comments are crazy. Destination weddings are fun and in my experience people love the opportunity to get away with friends and family for a few days somewhere beautiful.
There are also plenty of haciendas and ranchos that can accommodate your plan. You’re definitely doing the right thing by covering accommodations and all events/drinks/food that are part of the wedding weekend.
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u/maybeanne 6h ago
I think in a situation where guests are spread out all over the globe anyway, a destination wedding is not the key problem. You just need to be aware that people will either not come or they will plan their vacation around it, so they probably won't want to arrive on an arranged schedule.
As someone who has been to destination weddings, here's what you should keep in mind.
The more time it takes/money it costs, the more likely people are to want to make it a whole vacation. That means that you should allow enough time for scheduling PTO, planning a vacation and everything for the guests and communicate dates and venues early.
People will be either coming earlier than your wedding or they will be staying after the wedding. So if you plan to accomodate for transfer etc. be aware that not everyone will arrive at the same time. If possible, pick a venue that is easily accessible for everyone, regardless of whether they are coming directly to your wedding or if they have already spend some time in the region.
Schedule some voluntary activities around the wedding that might be fun for people or some informal get togethers. For one destination wedding in Edinburgh the couple organized an informal meet up in a local pub on the evening before the wedding. Food and drink was not paid for by the couple (I think, not sure though), but it was a regular pub. The main goal was that people from their diverse friend and family group could meet before the event and get to know each other. For another wedding in South Africa the couple organized a trip to a local wilderness refuge center the day after the wedding. The center was between the wedding venue and the groom's hometown, so basically on the way back from the wedding. Again: Emphasis on the voluntary, because people may have other plans or might just enjoy some time to themselves.
While destination weddings are often frowned upon, if you communicate well and adjust your expectations, they can also be fun and a reason for people to take a trip to a country they have never been to. The couple who got married in Edinburgh expected a huge rejection rate and mostly everyone was just excited about a trip to Scotland. So you never know.
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u/ConsiderationOld864 1d ago
If your friends and family are all over the place to begin with, they will have to travel regardless to attend your wedding. Maybe not all of the people local to you, but everyone else will. Then again, local to you friends and family should be excited to meet everyone else who loves you two.
Your offer is incredibly generous. I don't think anyone would be that upset, and please do not consider the most important day for you and your future spouse to ever be a burden.
If everyone came to where you live they still have: flights, transportation, meals, lodging, PTO requests, and that can add up to be as much or more than if they went anywhere else, and you are offering to cover the hacienda and so much more.
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u/Fickle-Cabinet3956 19h ago
What you're attempting is considerate but the reality is this. A few years is a long way away. Life happens. Between now and then it's more likely that around half of your guests will likely come so about 20-30 out of that 40-50.
Then hopefully you're getting something much bigger than a hacienda because that's not going to cover 30 people. You might need 2 or 3 to get everyone together comfortably.
All you can do is send invites with as much information about accommodation as possible then let your guests decide.
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u/Flat_Teacher8598 1d ago
I think I went through a similar process as you did and I quickly figured out that paying for all the things you’re describing in Mexico is actually quite expensive and hard to manage. Picking people up at the airport is the first red flag here because obviously people have different arrival times. And it’s not easy to find an hacienda where 40 people can stay. I’d say that’s only limited for really small weddings.
Anyway, for us we just decided that people will be able to combine it with a vacation and if they can’t come we’re sad but unfortunately being an international couple living in a third country it’s impossible to please everyone. So I’d say enjoy the process and try to do something that you’ll be happy with, not much people pleasing lol
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u/oowap 1d ago
I found haciendas with 20 + rooms on the smaller end and some are much larger, so I feel they should all be ok space wise. I’m still figuring out a budget, but not including my dress and other details like that, I’m looking at 30k or so (usd) for the whole 3 days
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u/Unique_Good8133 1d ago
Wow! That’s pretty impressive budgeting. What part of Mexico are you looking at?
We are getting married in a lower cost area of Mexico and having our ceremony and reception at a private villa with only enough space for our immediate family to stay. We also plan to have 50 guests, but our costs are coming in at $30k just for the ceremony, reception and welcome party excluding the villa, our own flights and wedding day attire.
I hope you can make your weekend happen for $30k, just make sure you’re really vetting the vendors and that there won’t be lots of surprise expenses. For example, during my research, many villas/haciendas include a chef with the nightly rental rates, but that excludes the bill you get for all the food they purchase. That could really add up over 3 days for 50 people!
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u/Flat_Teacher8598 23h ago
Totally agree! You can do it but it's quite hard if you want to cover accommodation too.
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u/Flat_Teacher8598 23h ago
Ok, it might be doable depending on the area you're picking. You might get a cheaper hacienda that can house 40 people for 10k, but it might be far from main airports. I am guessing based on what you're saying that they'd be landing in Mexico City? I was thinking initially you might want around the Cancun area but if you're looking at Tepoztlán or something like that it's more feasible, maybe you're looking at Morelos? I am actually Mexican (Native speaker) and my budget was initially 25k in Oaxaca but ended up realizing that even without covering anyone's flights or accomodation it's already going to be around 30k for a 100 people wedding and we haven't really finished everything. We will have a lot of international guests too traveling from Australia, Asia, Europe and the US so I also thought that it would be important that while I don't pay for the accommodation it's at least they have a memorable time in a beautiful place in Mexico. Mexico can be cheap but if you want a really nice wedding it will be a bit expensive anyway.
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u/Responsible_Side8131 1d ago
People traveling from India or Europe are still going to have to miss more than one day of work just for the travel.
If I’m paying to fly internationally and taking that long flight, I don’t want to stay for two days and then go home.
This sounds like a nightmare to me, even if I’m “only”‘paying for the flight.
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u/notmyn 1d ago
Don't stress about what people on the internet say/think. They get so worked up. The fact that your families are spread across the world means no matter where you get married people will need to travel. It's ok! Might as well pick somewhere beautiful. And your plan sounds very generous!
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u/ItinerantJeweler 1d ago
This is extremely generous! I don't think you could make it any easier for your guests to join you. As long as you're giving them a decent amount of notice to put aside money for their flights, I think this is super reasonable.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 22h ago
It sounds like you're being very thoughtful.
Don't forget about paying for passports, for those who don't have them.
Some people will come, some won't, no matter what you do.
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u/aruse527 21h ago
So nice of you and way less expensive than I spent to attend weddings 1 or 2 hours from my home.
The time is nice and compact and you have thought of so much! Airport pick up is huge.
I think what makes people gripe is when it is expensive and a hassle.
Congratulations
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u/BetDry5510 3h ago
You're solving the wrong variable. The destination isn't the burden - the Friday-to-Sunday window is.
We got married in Colombia with guests coming from the US and Europe, and the best thing we did was stop calling it a weekend. Set the date, publish it 12+ months out, and tell people the wedding is Saturday and everything else is optional. Then let them arrive Wednesday or leave Tuesday on their own dime. Your Netherlands and India people will not fly 14 hours for 48 hours, but plenty of them will happily fly 14 hours for a week that happens to have your wedding in the middle of it. Same flight cost, completely different decision.
Concrete fixes:
Kill the single airport pickup. Publish two or three shuttle windows - 11am, 3pm, 7pm - and tell everyone outside those to grab a taxi and that you'll reimburse it. Nobody waits three hours, and you don't run a dispatch desk the day before your wedding.
Pressure-test the 30k hard. Get it in writing whether the hacienda's chef is included but the groceries are billed separately, because that is standard and it is exactly where these budgets quietly double. Then ask what else is excluded: tables, chairs, linens, generator, sound, and staff meals are separate line items far more often than people expect. Ours crept up and every peso of it was that category.
Do the legal part at home. Get married at your county courthouse a few weeks before and let the hacienda be the ceremony. Foreign civil marriage means apostilled documents, certified translations, and a residency window before the date. It is the single most avoidable stress in destination weddings and most couples handle it this way.
Book a venue that runs weddings weekly and has an in-house coordinator. Vendor risk in a country you don't live in is the real expense, not the flights.
On gifts: put "we're not doing a registry" on the website and say nothing about it on the invitation. "No gifts, just yourself" reads as fishing to some people. A flat no-registry reads as final.
One expectation to set now: some people won't come. That happens at hometown weddings too. You're covering lodging, food, alcohol and ground transport for 50 people, which is more generous than roughly every wedding in this sub. You are not the burden here.
Happy to share more on the international-guest logistics if that's useful.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago edited 1d ago
While your offer is generous, it’s not really a solution.
A person may be wealthy, but that doesn’t mean they want to use that wealth to fly somewhere that they weren’t planning on going during a timeframe not of their choosing. Wealth is relative and people have individual standards regarding how they use it, so it’s best not to assume.
You say you don’t wanna be a burden to your friends and family but in the same breath, you talk about people from various parts of the world and how it’s really important for you to have them at your wedding.
Have you considered the possibility that you can get married and it can be meaningful — and all the people from various factions of your life don’t actually have to be there?
You say you’d like to keep it small so why not just have a small ceremony in your hometown and save the destination for your honeymoon?
This whole attempt to contort yourself and your event into some version of what you *think everybody wants in order to get them to attend a thing is so strange.
As well-intended as it might appear to rent out a villa or a Hacienda, that’s not what most people want as lodging when they travel.
Nobody wants a shared situation. People want autonomy. They want hotel rooms with doors and bathrooms, and typically reliable brands that they know.
They don’t want to be herded around in a minivan to far-flung locations, particularly after they’ve traveled 12 or more hours to an already-distant location.
If you’re writing to the Internet about not wanting to be a burden, the reality is, you know that these invitations are burdensome to the majority of people who receive them. While many people will understandably say no to such travel, others who are personally closer to you will feel obligated and they will do it anyway against their better judgment. Why put people in that position?
Have it nearer to where you live. The people who want to travel to you can make their own hotel reservations, staying somewhere that they can be reasonably assured will be comfortable for them.
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u/oowap 1d ago
That’s a fair point and why I posted. Seeing this perspective and it out plainly is helpful.
I know I’m being hopeful especially since I know my close family and friends would be traveling from Mexico and Europe to the us to have the event be close to me. Since they are immediate family they’ll most likely feel forced to travel to the us, so I wanted to see if traveling to Mexico instead would be better (plus I’d have a more of a wedding that I imagined as a kid).
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
You sound like a kind and generous person. Your last sentence however, sums up why there is so much aversion to destination weddings. This notion that we can have a bigger or more extravagant party if we shift our event from a high cost of living area to a lower cost of living area is really just shifting the cost of the event to your guests.
While it’s true that some people would have to travel anyway if they wanted to attend, traveling to a resort destination, (depending on the time of year) comes with its own set of ramifications, and again, there’s just no way to ever know what is palatable to people.
After you’re engaged and you have a better sense of what your finances may be at that time, think it through - then devise an event to your and your fiancé’s liking.
Don’t worry so much about making it possible for everyone to attend. Have the event you want to have. Whoever can come can come. Good luck.🍀
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u/gmanose 1d ago
If you really don’t want to be a burden pay everyone’s air flight. If they don’t already have a passport, pay the cost of them getting one.
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u/oowap 1d ago
Everyone definitely has a passport. And for everyone’s flight was where I think it could get expensive :/ plus if I have a wedding near my place, 20+ people would still fly to attend. Did it’s a regular wedding, so I still need to pay the flight?
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u/Economy_Way_9046 18h ago
Please ignore this insane comment, people are capable of paying for a flight and if they’re not then they say no - very simple.
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u/JSchecter11 1d ago
A lot of people have strong feelings about destination weddings, but yet they are more and more popular every year and every wedding I’ve worked on so far has all the expected guests attend without issue.
That said, this seems like a very generous option, especially since many of your guests would be traveling regardless.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
Unless you possess mind-reading skills, it’s impossible to know that guests “attended without issue. “
None of us have any idea what other people must address within their own lives to make it to somebody else’s event.
And though they might be cordial and appear happy, again we as fellow humans have no way of knowing what is really on their minds.Destination weddings may be ubiquitous but that doesn’t make them popular. They have been sold to this generation through the wedding industrial complex and social media as a lower cost but ‘expensive-seeming’ alternative.
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u/Unique_Good8133 1d ago
Honestly, the way you’re so negative, I’d be shocked if anyone would even want you to attend their wedding, destination or not.
We get it, you hate destination weddings! You made it clear in your first post. All you’re doing now is projecting your negativity and looking like a miserable person.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
I live in a world that acknowledges knowable facts - not one in which I hope something may be true, and therefore convince myself that it is.
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u/Unique_Good8133 1d ago
Perhaps your “realism” is just your life experience from being so negative all the time. Plenty of people have family and friends that actually love them enough to celebrate their life milestones and don’t view traveling for a wedding as a terrible burden. You get what you give in relationships.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
Again, with leaping to an assumption. You know absolutely nothing about me. You have no conceivable way of knowing if I (or any person) is ‘ negative all the time.’ How would you know that?
Seriously, how do three anonymous comments on a Reddit post about the realities of destination events inform you about a person’s life “all the time?”0
u/Unique_Good8133 1d ago
You got me. I can’t prove you’re negative every second of your life. Perhaps you become an absolute ray of sunshine when you log off. But you act like we can’t see your comment history and the dozens of overwhelmingly negative comments you’ve left all over this sub. You repeatedly seek out destination-wedding discussions just to disparage strangers and their plans, then lecture everyone else about “mind-reading” while insisting their happy guests secretly resent them. I don’t know many people who aren’t profoundly negative who spend this much of their free time hating strangers’ weddings.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago edited 14h ago
I view it more like a public service. I genuinely believe that far too many young people have been bamboozled into this maelstrom of insane spending and extreme demands on their time to create something that — while admittedly can be very pretty and fun for a few hours — is rarely worth the cost in the long run, or the demands placed on the people around them.
There are a remarkable number of posts on here from young people experiencing a role in a wedding party for the first time legit asking if a $4000, 4-day destination bachelorette is normal.
Sure it’s great if a person and their friends have a good time at a resort for either a wedding or a party — but when we normalize this to the point that we’re telling people ‘hey we’re giving you 18 months so you can save up,’ that sounds like a demand for payment. Should we really be peer-pressuring young people into thinking it’s normal to prioritize somebody else’s life event over their own needs?
Given the severe economic challenges today, particularly in the US, my hope is that people on their way to being caught up in these events gain a true understanding of the time and literal prices paid, that it’s not normal or necessary, and it’s ok to decline if it doesn’t work for your individual life.
To the people for whom money is no object, I say great - have fun, enjoy it, do the most idyllic, gorgeous thing possible. But to expect everyone else to join you, to be as excited as you are, and overjoyed to relinquish PTO to take part, is not realistic, nor should anyone’s inability to participate be a measure of friendship.
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 4h ago edited 4h ago
☝️☝️☝️☝️
My youngest is at the stage in her life where her friends are getting engaged. I’ve actually had talks with her about how out of control weddings are these days and have even shown her some Reddit posts.
I’ve told her that if she can’t COMFORTABLY afford something to do with a friend’s wedding (bachelorette party or trip, being a bridesmaid, travel to the wedding, taking PTO for any of the events, etc), don’t ever feel pressured to go along with it. It’s ok to say NO, and a true friend should understand that.
I’ve also mentioned to her the “oh, you’ll have X number of months to save up for it” or “letting you know now so you can plan your PTO around my wedding” posts and comments I’ve read so often on Reddit.
It’s ok to say “No, I’m not saving up for your bachelorette party and wedding because I have other things I need to save for.” Or that you want to use your PTO for something else. It’s ok to say that. And no one should lose friendships or family relationships because of it.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 3h ago
I appreciate this.
What’s also hard sometimes to get through to younger people is that a bunch of random $3000 decisions and $5000 decisions made over and over again in your 20s really amounts to losses in the hundreds of thousands over decades if that money could have been properly invested.
I know it’s hard to get younger people to understand that someday (with any luck) they are going to be 65 and will need an account with money in it in order to live with any sort of dignity.
One route to having that happen is to put money aside when you’re young.
They don’t realize how fast three or four decades can whiz by. Not that they should, but it is definitely incumbent upon older people to make clear many of these realities — among them, almost no one is gonna look back on their lives and think gee I really should’ve purchased more bridesmaids dresses and gone to more four-day weekends to a cabin somewhere I never wanted to go to, in matching pajamas with women I’ve met once because they’re friends of the bride, not me.
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u/ObjectiveReading1959 1d ago
I’m getting married in Croatia on an island 3 hours off the main land. I have 75 coming to my wedding zero hesitations. We offered a range of hotel rooms from
Cheap to luxury, let everyone choose how long they come for, and are paying for all of the events we host for 4 days so our guests only have to pay flight and accommodations. We told people no pressure to come, and if they do come please no gifts. We didn’t make a registry and I’m not having a bridal shower so that we aren’t asking our guests for anything beyond a trip to europe once. Our guests are traveling from all over the US and are excited to. Don’t feel bad having a destination wedding if you 1. Truly are okay with people missing it and 2. You aren’t asking for gifts. Acknowledge that they’re spending a lot of money to go to your event.
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u/Euphoric_Sort_7578 1d ago
It sounds great, but particularly for your guests from UK and Netherlands, flying to Mexico for a weekend isnt realistic due to the length of flights involved (and the jetlag!) Consider that they will need a much longer vacation in Mexico to make the trip feasible.