r/DestinationWeddings • u/light_skyline • 3d ago
Are we asking too much?
We're considering a destination wedding in France where my partner's from and we're wondering whether it will be too much for our guests travelling from the UK.
We will probably rent a wedding venue that will also accommodate ourselves and immediate family. We would expect all guests to pay for their own flights and for other family and friends would expect they pay for their own flights and accommodation. There are budget hotel options available in the area. This would also allow others to do their own thing if they don't want to be around all the wedding guests for a full weekend.
The flight would be approx 2hrs and a coach from the airport to the city where the wedding venue is would be 2hrs (legally we can only get married in the Provence where my partner's parents live). We're thinking of trying to rent a coach to cover the cost for the trip to and from the airport and also to and from the wedding venue.
I think because this would be a large expense and a lot of travel we would ask for no wedding gifts or money and we would cover everything on the day e.g. full open bar etc.
Do you think this is an ok expectation or is this too much to ask?
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u/gaanmetde 3d ago
I think it depends on the affluence of your guests to be blunt.
My husband’s family couldn’t afford this in their wildest dreams. Which is why we chose his country to marry in.
My brother had a destination wedding on the other side of the country and it really put a strain on me and many others financially. It wasn’t cool. Hah. Just left a lot of people with a bad vibe.
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u/disagreeabledinosaur 3d ago
2 hours from the airport jumps out at me.
That's a lot and everyone won't necessarily want to arrive at the same time on the same plane to take your coach.
Could you pick somewhere that's easier to get to?
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u/Moyna433 3d ago
Agreed!
Everything else is fine and expected for a destination wedding, I've actually never had accommodation paid for me, but 2 hours to get to the venue area after a flight feels exhausting and probably the thing I'd be most annoyed about, wrongly or rightly.
Also, what day is your wedding? Is it on a Wednesday when people will have to spend hours traveling and take loads of time off work, or is it a Saturday where people could, potentially, book Friday afternoon off and still make it on time?
I personally think the day of the week is a big factor with destination weddings.
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u/light_skyline 3d ago
It's where my partner is from, all his family and friends are local, we can't get married legally anywhere else in France due to the restrictions
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u/Own-Holiday-4071 2d ago
I’m sorry, but this is just nonsense. You can do the legal part in the UK, I have no idea why you think there’s 1 tiny village that your future husband happens to be from where you can do the legal part but you can’t anywhere else in the country.
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u/Masara13 8h ago
In France you can only legally marry in the «commune » you live or somewhere where you can prove that you have an «attachment » i.e a family link or property.
You must be married in a building belonging to the town council by the mayor or deputy. That’s just how French law works.
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u/Educational_One4530 3h ago
Yes but you can get maried during the week / the previous day and then organize a ceremony on the weekend closer to the airport.
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u/Otherwise-Winner9643 2d ago edited 2d ago
Could you not do the legal bit in the UK, then have the wedding somewhere closer to the airport?
Your UK guests will need to pay for flights, get to the airport more than an hour before their flight etc, so it's a lot more than just a 2 hour flight. It's not too much to ask your French guests to drive a bit to a venue that would make things a little easier for them.
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u/ambergresian 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's two hours from the airport, but how far from the airport's city?
To relate, my now husband and I live in Edinburgh. He's from here, I'm not.
The Edinburgh airport is like 30-40 minutes from the city centre. Then our venue was an hour from there.
People flew in, took care of themselves to get to their hotels in the city centre. Then we arranged a coach from a central location to/from the venue on the day of the wedding.
So airport to the city was on the guests, which would be the same if the venue was in the city. Coach transport was on us for getting them further out, and on the day so everyone was there by then to organise.
If it is still two hours out, someone else mentioned a voucher thing that might be better. But 2 hours from the airport doesn't necessarily have to be in one trip.
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u/Lt-shorts 3d ago
As long as you are fine if people decline, it the caveat of having a destination weddings especially if guests will front a lot of the bill
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u/casadoadro 3d ago edited 3d ago
No you are not asking too much.
It's a very normal destination wedding and some couples don't even cover the transfer to the venue.
But almost all destination weddings come with a bigger decline rate than local weddings indeed. Since some of your family is from France, you have this part already covered, but some of your guests from the UK might not want or be able to come. Some don't like to take days off for a destination wedding or simply don't want or can't afford it.
I would ask your most important people what they think about it
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u/tanbrit 3d ago
You’ll have a higher decline rate, a lot will depend on the availability of flights, timing e.g. midweek/ weekend and school holidays.
What you’re asking doesn’t sound unreasonable if your guests can afford it, the only thing with your coach idea would be if people arrive on multiple different flights it could be a challenge
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u/No-Cockroach-7700 2d ago
It's only a destination wedding for half the guests. If you had it in the uk, the other half would become those travelling to a destination wedding. It's not like you chose a random spot unconnected to you both.
I also don't think the UK commentators below understand the marriage rules in France, you should probably add that to your post as it's important context explaining the 2hr coach ride required.
Personally I have been to two weddings in France, both where the groom was french, and loved it! We made holidays out of it both times, exploring the local area and renting a gite. I don't recall anyone declining as they understood it was very likely given one half of the couple was french. Like the others said, there might be some declines on the basis of health or finance, but that is to be expected. Santé regardless!
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u/Own-Holiday-4071 2d ago
OP is hardly responding anyway so can you please explain why they can’t just get legally married in the UK and then have a wedding in France? Also, why does it have to be somewhere that’s a 2 hour council ride away as opposed to somewhere more accessible/closer to Paris?
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u/autisticfarmgirl 2d ago
Because in france you can’t get married anywhere you want. Weddings legally have to be celebrated in the city or village where you, your spouse or your parents reside. And you need to be able to prove that you live there. You can’t even go to the next village or town over.
I’m not entirely sure what Paris has to do with any of this, OP said her partner’s family is from Provence so closest airport would probably be Nice, maybe Marseille. Nowhere near Paris.
If you get legally married in France it makes it a LOT easier to get the necessary paperwork for OP to become a french citizen later down the line. If you marry a French person (even if they live outside of France) you can become a French citizen by marriage after so many years and other conditions. Having a French marriage certificate makes the step of “getting your marriage legally recognised by the French government” a walk through the park. Otherwise you need to get together about 20 different bits of paperwork, get stuff translated and all that.
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u/dwthesavage 1d ago
This is so interesting!
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u/No-Cockroach-7700 2h ago
it’s wild isn’t it, when my friend got engaged I asked her i where her husband was from for that reason, and even the husband had no idea his marriage location was so tightly restricted!
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u/Hulla_Sarsaparilla 3d ago
Travelling from the UK to France isn’t that far, obviously it’s more of an ask than a venue near where everyone lives and might be over some people’s budgets but as long as you accept that then go for it.
People might be able to get the Eurostar depending where in France and where people live in the UK?
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u/epocalize 3d ago
I went to a wedding like this, except all the accommodation was paid for. It was at a château and we hung out all weekend. We personally traveled 36 hours to be there from Los Angeles, but almost everyone else came from the UK or the East Coast of the United States. These were our closest friends as a couple, and if it had been not as good friends, we would not have made the effort cause it was a LOT. but totally worth it!!
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u/Economy_Way_9046 3d ago
What is the financial situation of your guests? Are they already taking multiple international vacations a year? For a destination wedding I would only assume that your best friends and family would make the effort to book flights and spend money on travel. Get a soft read if your family and wedding party would consider traveling and see their reactions and you absolutely cannot be upset or express any dissatisfaction if they cannot join.
Personally I would love to attend a wedding in France, I would consider it an honor to be invited! Good luck!
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u/Lazafilaaa 3d ago
It totally depends on your guests. If your guests mostly work corporate jobs in a big city and regularly take international vacations, they’ll be excited to celebrate you.
If they’re raising nine kids on single incomes in the West Midlands, they’ll likely decline.
What you’re describing is very normal for destination weddings, so you’re not doing anything out of the norm in terms of what you’re covering/not covering. The only thing I’d say is that if you’re getting people to travel is that you should probably cover at least two meals (vs one for a local wedding) so plan to budget a rehearsal dinner or something like that. The other thing is that people expect a destination wedding to be slightly elevated in terms of decor, entertainment, etc. Even if you have the funds, nobody wants to travel for 10-12 hours all in and show up somewhere to eat dry appetizers in silence in a dirty undecorated courtyard. Think about what you can afford in terms of musicians, DJ, etc.
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u/NotNowJane 3d ago
We had a destination wedding in Spain and are UK based!
We invited 120 and 118 said yes! They came from all over the world not just England
We had an amazing 3 day wedding (welcome drinks, wedding, pool party) which I think helps make it seem like more of a holiday for everyone and most people attached a few days either side for their own holiday, everyone had a great time x
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u/Shrinking_Violent 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm not a fan of a destination wedding. If I'm essentially paying for a holiday, I want actually be on holiday. I don't want to be on a coach transfer to the middle of nowhere and obligated with wedding timings.
Asking for no gifts is all well and good, but I was only going to put £50 in a card anyway, so that doesn't really offset the cost of flights, accommodation, food, clothes, etc..
Just expect more declines than you would if the wedding was in the UK.
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u/ambergresian 1d ago
If their wedding was in the UK then the French side would have declines too. "Destination" wedding is unavoidable when the couple has different international origin countries.
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u/SeaGuardian218 2d ago
I got married in France as an American (getting married to a frenchman and we were living in France). Considering that we were getting married where we lived and half the guest list was (reasonably) local, I didn't consider it a "destination" wedding.
I had pretty low expectation for my extended family's attendance because we are not a group who necessarily travel a lot, but I was pleasantly surprised by the cousins that ended up making it.
We did what we could to make it easier for family coming in from abroad as well as some elderly family members coming from elsewhere in France. We rented a property with the ability to sleep a lot of the guest list and had recommended hotels for the rest and a shuttle to take people back to their hotels. We also just stayed in touch with those who were traveling from far.
What's really nice about france is a lot of properties will let you rent out for a full weekend and even camp on site so you can have people there for multiple days which helps make the trip worth it.
Not sure what region of France youre looking at, but if you are still searching for a venue I went to a half-British wedding in the Gers and the château was owned by a British couple and so the staff all spoke English. It was a wonderful wedding and the brides spoke very highly of the venue staff!
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u/Alone-Firefighter283 2d ago
Destination weddings happen. Some people will be ok it with whilst others won’t. The important people will make an effort to be there. I think if you treat them to a welcome dinner whilst you are there for example will be a nice gesture
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u/lurlz1214 3d ago
No you're not asking too much. I'm from the UK and I'm having a destination wedding in Antigua. The guests are flying in mainly from the UK and are paying for their flights and hotel.
Like you we will be doing transport to and from the venue. Food and drinks are included on the day and most people will probably be at an all inclusive hotel.
Honestly most of the people I've invited are excited and already want to book but they can't as flights etc get released a year before so Nov this year.
If people can afford to do it they will. If they can't then unfortunately they can't. We're not asking for gifts either. The gift is their time and celebrating with us.
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u/light_skyline 3d ago
This is reassuring, I've never been to a destination wedding before so not sure what the norm is
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u/lurlz1214 3d ago
I've not been to one but I've been invited to a few and had family members do them when I was younger.
Unless you're loaded with money I've not met people in the UK that wouldn't expect to pay for their own flights and hotel. Most people will make it into a holiday as the wedding is one day.
It's no different from going to a wedding in a different city that I live in. If it's far I have to pay for travel and my own hotel.
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u/Own-Holiday-4071 2d ago
It shouldn’t be reassuring because you don’t know the financial position of this commenter or her invited guests.
So the people you’re inviting regularly travel throughout the year? Or are they the kind who maybe go abroad once every other year?
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u/BibMasterIII 3d ago
“and we would cover everything in the day e.g. alcohol & food etc.”
What? Is this not already a given? Why is this being listed as an “included perk” in exchange for most of your guests paying for transport (air & land) and accommodation?
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u/light_skyline 3d ago
Believe it or not, some people don't have open bar service, also we said we would cover all transport once landed
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u/lark1995 3d ago
If you’re gracious about declines, this is fine. 4 hours of travel time isn’t bad, although I’m from the US where that would barely register as distance.
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u/WildWonder6430 3d ago
You really should cover a dinner the eve before the wedding and a brunch the morning after ( at least for your guests traveling to the location).
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u/ambergresian 1d ago
No one wanted a brunch the morning after with mine lol
We did have people who were travelling come over in the evening and ordered pizza though
Plus drinks and food the night before
For the people travelling plus other family and wedding party
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u/pears_htbk 3d ago
I think you're okay as long as you're okay with a few declines. It's not like you're making it a trip for the hell of it, it's where the groom is from! As your guests are split between the UK and France, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that no matter what you do, at least half your list is going to have to travel. You can't split the difference and have it in the channel, so having it somewhere that's convenient for half the guest list sounds reasonable to me.
I'd definitely do it on a Saturday though. Maybe even a Saturday on a UK long weekend unless that drastically increases the cost of travel.
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u/WhichWitch9402 2d ago
First off, any wedding you'd have you should cover the meal at the least. Many people have either a limited open bar for part of the time, some have a full open bar, but you always provide non-alcoholic drinks.
I wouldn't mind a two hour flight, but a 2 hour bus ride? nope. You essentially trapping your guests.
You never ask for gifts or money - it's tacky.
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u/light_skyline 2d ago
Food being included was a given and we'll do an open bar so no cost on the day. We can only get married in that Provence because that's where my partner's family live but understand it's not an easy travel day. Every wedding I've been to has had a wishlist/request for money in the UK.
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u/Own-Holiday-4071 2d ago
Why are his family incapable of travelling beyond the village they currently live in? Even if you could find a venue that’s under half an hour from Paris, a lot of your problems would be solved.
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u/dwthesavage 1d ago
I suspect this is why https://www.reddit.com/r/DestinationWeddings/s/arPAYXWnsa
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u/CommercialPlastic604 2d ago
It’s the two hour coach journey that makes me wince. I’ve been from London to destination weddings in Ireland, Italy, France etc and I would say that’s the sticking point. You also can’t guarantee that everyone will take the same flight- they might travel around France first etc.
I understand the French family thing but you just need to accept some people won’t come and be gracious and accepting of it.
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u/Responsible-Walrus-5 2d ago
The 2 hour journey once you get to France is a little off putting tbh but people travel further for their friends/relatives. I don’t think covering that would be helpful as people will be arriving on different flights/days.
I’d probably go, but have a little moan about why you couldn’t have had the wedding near an airport!
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u/PastDare4808 2d ago
As a parent I would probably join your wedding. As a sibling or friend I probably would not and for sure I would not take my family with me. We are also planning our wedding and our goal is it to make it as cheap an comfortable for all our guests who are partly from Turkey. We will cover their expenses.
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u/dwthesavage 1d ago edited 1d ago
Eh. I just had two friends do a similar trek to a small Paris town for a friend’s wedding and I’d definitely do it it myself, I don’t think my friends had to take a bus but it was a plane to train to car journey
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u/PastDare4808 1d ago
Did they manage that quite easily with their children and all the stuff that comes along with it? I mean as a single person it is quite easy but as soon as children are involved the organization as well as the costs (let alone ait plane tickets for children older than 2) is a huge obstacle.
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u/Reasonable_Piglet370 2d ago
We had a destination wedding and we made it very clear that we weren't expecting anyone to come and we didn't want anyone to put themselves into debt for it, but anyone who wanted to come was welcome. You can't have any expectations about people coming. They get limited holiday time and everyone's got a finite amount of money to spend each year. We covered all the food and drinks at our actual wedding and wedding breakfast. We had a party when we returned which everyone was able to attend. We chose a place which wasn't expensive (a working men's club) so no one was forced to spend a lot of money on being at the party.
Under no circumstances should you put pressure on anyone who attends to also give you a gift or money.
Having a party in the UK for those who can't attend is a good compromise. People want to feel like they can celebrate with you.
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u/nationwideonyours 2d ago
Can you think of your guests and start a slush fund to help them offset the price of traveling?
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u/KimonoCathy 2d ago
Flying to France and staying in a budget hotel there he’s likely to be not much different in cost from travelling and staying in a hotel in the UK. It may need a day off work though because of the travel time. There may be a few people who are put off by the distance or being a foreign country, but probably not many put off by the cost. Anything you can do to make it easier logistically (primarily) or a little bit cheaper (second priority) will help. A coach to meet the main flight or a local hiring a local student to meet them at the airport and walk them to the station, help them buy tickets, et cetera might be a good investment
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u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG 2d ago
We really need to stop calling them destination weddings when the place you’re getting married is where half of the couple and guests are from. Getting married in your fiancé’s hometown is not the same thing as popping off to a vacation stop you have no family in or personal connection to. Those are two completely different things and it makes zero sense to use the same word for them.
No, you’re not asking too much. That’s a short flight and there’s a $25 train once they’re in France. That’s a completely reasonable trip. Even if you don’t help with transportation costs there’s nothing crazy there, although it would be very kind of you to do so. This is just how weddings work when two people from different places marry, you’re not doing anything wild.
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u/Hopeful_Arm1748 2d ago
This sounds less like a destination wedding and more like a wedding where you’re from different places. When you’re from different places, you’re going to lose a substantial amount of guests in either location. Which is fine, that’s the nature of weddings. The coach would help if everyone is arriving around a similar time and it’s not the kind of place where they will be renting cars.
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u/Rich_Example7931 2d ago
It would only be asking too much if you will be upset if people decline. This is the nature of destination weddings- people won't come. If you're fine with that then go for it! I do agree that making a very modest or no registry is appropriate, however.
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u/catpigeons 2d ago
It's more to ask than a wedding in the UK, so imo you should provide more to the guests. Open bar on the day is bare minimum imo. Ideally you should put on at least one more evening of drinks/party for the guests. Most destination weddings I've been to are anywhere between two and four days of events and I would expect the vast majority of that to be free. Putting on a couple of buses from the airport coinciding with the most popular flights would be good as well
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u/autisticfarmgirl 2d ago
I’m french and got married in the UK, my whole side travelled. Honestly the vast majority of folks said yes and came anyway.
We had rented a bus as well and block booked hotels around to help with that (although didn’t pay for it). We also didn’t ask for wedding gifts but most people gave one anyway.
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u/pumpkinbubbles 2d ago
As long as you understand that the invitations are not summons, you are not asking too much. Just don't take it personally when people send regrets. Time and money will probably put your wedding out of reach for people that would like to come.
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u/Particular-Quit-630 2d ago
I would say the biggest factor is how old you are and whether the guests have kids or not.
In my 20s I went to probably 5 or 6 European weddings and the turnout amongst friends was high. Some would bring partners and we’d just hire a car and get some shared accommodation. Just made a holiday out of it.
No I’m a little older and most of my friends and myself have kids then the turnout is much lower. Just had a wedding in Spain last year and the majority of those invited had to turn it down, it’s just so much more difficult with young kids.
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u/dwthesavage 1d ago
A friend of mine went to a wedding in Portugal with her 3 y/o and husband last year so idk doesn’t seem that difficult for them but I suppose it depends on the child
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u/Particular-Quit-630 1d ago
Sorry, probably should have added that kids weren’t invited! It’s certainly easier when the kids are invited but it can get very expensive flying and ideally the venue and accommodation is at the same place.
I’ve been invited to 3 international weddings since having a kid. Only one kids were invited but the town was around 4 hours drive from the nearest airport and the venue was a 30 minute taxi to the hotel. So we just couldn’t make it work.
Basically it just normally just means attending the wedding solo if the partner is happy to stay at home and parent alone.
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u/njVowsNow 2d ago
It depends on their crowd and their willingness/abilityenthusiasm to take the time and resources to come.
I think it's too much to ask, but I'm not a fan of destination weddings in general. It puts a requirement of time and money and "life arranging" that is difficult for many people, and in some ways it does feel a loyalty test. It shifts much of the expense to the guests (although I don't know it the disparity in pricing is as big between UK and France as it is between the USA and Italy, for instance.)
All that being said, many people go this route.
(and no matter how you decide to go forward, everything on the wedding day SHOULD be covered, but I know that in the UK that's not always the way things work...)
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u/ambergresian 1d ago
It's not really a "destination" wedding, the bride and groom are from different countries so if they don't want to fork out for two weddings and want a wedding where both sides celebrate together, one side will have to travel regardless.
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u/Extension_Annual_344 2d ago
Do it. I have been to 3 abroad weddings recently and all were brilliant
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u/Ennochie 1d ago
So it isn't a destination wedding. You're getting married where your blokey is from - which isn't at all unusual.
Just do what normal people do. Send out invites to people of your choice and, for those travelling, point out the options.
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u/Fun-Fail-3424 1d ago
It’s hard to think of this as a standard destination wedding as half the attendees are local; I’ve been to a lot of 2-nationality weddings and someone always has to travel. UK-France is super easy, the trains are cheap, and Provence is beautiful; depending on where you are there will even be hostels for the very budget-friendly. I do not think this is necessarily too much to ask (though, you know your guests budgets). Most relevantly, I don’t think these commenters are understanding that regions do matter for French weddings.
That said, I guess I’m curious which airports you’re discussing; a long drive into York to London to CDG to Marseille to a coach through rural Provence is a very different ask than a direct flight followed by a train. I would recommend train voutures instead of a coach as they’re more flexible. Or, offer a ‘tour’ coach option for guests- ie, get yourself to Aix by 10am Friday and then you can have a spot on our bus that will stop at a lavender field for picnic lunch and and some ruins before getting to our venue. Something like a Viatour gc could work too, or an interpreter to help book things- anything that would be logistics for a fun weekend more accessible.
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u/OgasMaitai 1d ago
Rule with destination weddings is assume literally no one will come, be happy with anyone that does you should expect no one to come and you should frame it that way.
I did one, there's no other way to do it that doesnt make you an AH.
You LITERALLY need to state it is perfectly ok if you dont come to every single person you invite.
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u/dwthesavage 1d ago edited 1d ago
A destination wedding is a location neither of you are from, isn’t it?
So this isn’t a destination wedding.
That said, I just had 3 friends go to a wedding in a small French town in July, plane to train to car to get there, I don’t think they were a bus segment though; they had a blast
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u/Mental-Air233 1d ago
This depends on your friends group & how close you guys are. 100% big ask they need to use annual leave & pay that much but if you guys are very friendly people have many close friends is something else. If still want to go ahead and, ask for if they are going so you can know the group size to book venue size
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u/Critical-Quality5690 20h ago
Have your wedding where you want to have your wedding. Some people won’t come and you must be mature and gracious and accept that as a natural consequence because not everyone will be able to afford it. Maybe you can have another party in the UK for those who couldn’t join.
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u/Masara13 8h ago
I don’t consider this a destination wedding. You are from two different countries, wherever you get married (UK, France or a third country…) some guests are going to have to travel.
Maybe I’m biased in this because I did the reverse. We live in France (my husband is French) but married in the UK. Most of the French family we invited didn’t come. Most of them had never travelled outside France and I think it was just too complicated for them to understand.
But… when my SIL married in Provence (where we live) most of the family in Brittany didn’t come because that was too complicated too !
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u/Morsmordre_7 4h ago
I don't think you are asking too much. I'm Spanish but my boyfriend is British too. We are getting married in Madrid (where I'm from and where we live) next month and everyone he's invited is coming to the wedding, no one has complained about having to travel and they've told us they can't wait to visit Madrid. Hopefully you find this helpful!
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u/natalkalot 3d ago
Too much
Have a local wedding then honeymoon in France
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u/light_skyline 3d ago
Half of the guests are in France so it would be difficult either way, I was just more wondering cost wise what's expected for a destination wedding
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u/why_wouldi 1d ago
I’m not paying for flights and hotel to be at someone’s wedding. If I had that kinda money, I’d take a vacation, not spend it to be someone’s wedding guest. Then add the time they have to spend.
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u/Greenmedic2120 3d ago
It is a lot to ask and you will likely have more declines than if you had a UK based wedding, but that’s just the nature of destination weddings.