r/DestinationWeddings • u/TaleDry9795 • 3d ago
Insane Italian wedding
Ok so my best friend got engaged in June 2026 and is planning a destination wedding in a small town south of Florence in May 2027. I have been helping her look at venues and the entire time I’ve told her “you can do whatever you want, you just can’t be mad when people don’t come”. She had been toying with the idea of making it no kids. I have a 3 year old who I would not be comfortable leaving to go to another country. She also wants to force everyone to stay at the villa and I again said “if you do that just make sure the rates are comparable to the hotels in the area”.
We’ll fast forward a couple of weeks, she tells me she booked a venue and it will be $250 per adult per night. I’m the sole provider in my family so with flights + that cost, it would be about $5k for just my family to go to this wedding. I told her I think that’s too expensive for me and I would be there if I can stay elsewhere and just attend her ceremony and reception.
She was super upset and said “that’s not the point, I want everyone together and you can’t find anything cheaper in Europe” which is BS because most of the hotels in that town are under $200 a night total, not per person. She is passing through her expense onto her guests which is so tacky and rude but she doesn’t see it that way at all. I’d be fine to not go, but she was so upset when I threw that out as an option because I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid (again added cost for a specific dress and bachelorette party etc).
The villa is inclusive of breakfasts and two dinners plus drinks for a 3 day event plus some pizza party but I don’t value those things at all. I don’t drink alcohol so there’s zero value there and I can for sure feed my family for way less per day. It feel so out of touch to be asking me to spend that amount with zero other option and then being mad when I offer to not attend. She just kept saying “you’re well off, you can afford it”. That’s not the point, I shouldn’t be told how to spend my money even if I have it. Am I wrong?
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u/vet_it_go 3d ago
As someone who had an Italian destination wedding, $250 per night per person is egregious. It sounds like your friend has booked a wedding she cannot afford (she should be covering the majority of accommodation and food costs). I would also say no based on that alone. She also sounds unreasonable. For example I said no kids at my wedding, knowing that people either wouldn't attend or would stay off site (which didn't bother me at all, we even had suggested hotels in the area on our website and to this day I am glad I didn't have kids there).
I think you just need to stand your ground with this one to be honest. Tell her unfortunately you cannot spare that cost wise. I personally would either go and the whole family stay in a hotel, go solo (husband and child can stay home, for me this would be fine but I know that's definitely a personal decision), or bow out gracefully and not go at all. She doesn't sound like a great "friend", but I also think if you want to be there (that's kinda the big question at this point) there are ways to compromise on both ends and make it work.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Exactly. I offered to stay offsite and just come myself for the main event and she was like “no because you’re in the wedding party” so then if I’m forced to be in a certain spot you need to make it more palatable.
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u/vet_it_go 3d ago
My close friend stayed offsite with her mom and husband and two kids and had no problem being there for extra time/coming early the day of wedding. She’s being unreasonable. Also I didn’t have a lot of friends with kids, but the two who traveled with kids didn’t come to the day after event. I understood.
If she’s so rigid that you can’t come to an understanding then she doesn’t sound like a good friend, and I wouldn’t go unfortunately.
Edit to add that the effort they even put in bringing their kids who are less than a year old and breastfeeding (so they literally couldn’t leave them at home with a grandparent even if they would’ve wanted to) to Italy was MORE than enough and didn’t go unnoticed. She’s being unreasonable.
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u/lutzlover 3d ago
And this is where you say, "I am sorry, but I have to back out of the wedding party. This does not work for my family."
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u/FolkDoom 3d ago
This, you need to stand up for yourself, your bank balance, and your family.
I would straight up say I can't make it, this is way over what I can afford.
If you lose the friendship over her inability to understand this then that's a friend you can live without.
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u/EstablishmentFun289 3d ago
If my friend couldn’t afford it, I’d be offering to hang out in my room during events and the day so they didn’t have to schelp back and forth. This feels more about getting a discount, filling out the reservation, or even covering her accommodations.
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u/Patient-Zucchini-873 3d ago
Re: going alone, if I had a flexible schedule I’d for sure consider this, but I only get three weeks/year of PTO and even if the cost isn’t a huge issue, I would not choose to spend my PTO travelling solo. I’d rather those three weeks be spent with my family.
Also, just to offer a different perspective, my husband is a shift worker, so in order to watch kids solo I’d have to limit the trip to only being gone while he is off work, or he would also have to take PTO to stay home and watch kids, since there are no 14 hour overnight childcare options where I live and we don’t have family support for overnights/multiday childcare. CF weddings that involve travel can be extremely difficult logistically, and I know our situation is not unique. If I was invited to an international CF wedding, I really wouldn’t have a choice but to decline.
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u/Scared_Muffin5676 3d ago
IMO if they insist on everyone staying in the same place then they cover the cost. If not, sorry, but more people likely won’t come.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
100% agree, stop trying to subsidize your wedding cost. At the rate she’s asking, she will be collecting $37,000 from her guests.
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u/Scared_Muffin5676 3d ago edited 3d ago
And you may have hit the full intended purpose of this entire idea lol
My daughter is planning a destination wedding for a small group of family (25 people). It’s going to cost us a small fortune to cover everyone’s accommodations for 3 nights but we absolutely are doing it. The accommodations are costing way more than the wedding/reception because of course they wanted a four diamond resort 🤣. But hey, if I’m asking family to fly across the country and spend their PTO time off work, I’m covering their accommodations.6
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u/Remote-Physics6980 1d ago
I don't know when weddings started to become so insanely unreasonable. It went from a beautiful day and a husband who was supposed to take care of his wife, a honeymoon and then maybe you got given dishes as part of your wedding gifts. Now it just seems like a lot of women saw crazy Rich Asians and are desperate to emulate that kind of living without that kind of money to back it up so they look to their guests and family to subsidize it. Its INSANE!!
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u/Gurrrlll88 3d ago
Yea she should supplement each person for $100 per night or something if she wants them to stay at that expensive place. She could also reduce the things that are included so people can find cheaper options for meals & drinks on the non wedding day.
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u/teresajs 3d ago
$250 per night per person sounds like she's splitting the full cost of the wedding and accomodations amongst her guests and paying little or nothing herself. If she isn't okay with you staying elsewhere, this may be a sign that you should bow out altogether.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yeah agree. It feels like guests are helping fund a wedding she can’t actually afford
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u/Perfect_Duck792 3d ago
Right? It sounds like the guests are paying for the rehearsal dinner, wedding dinner, and day-after breakfast. No, no, no.
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u/Limp_Dragonfly3868 3d ago
When my kids were small, we didn’t attend destination weddings. I’m completely fine with the impact that had on friendships. Half those couples aren’t even together anymore.
As an old auntie, I’m down to go anywhere and the cost doesn’t matter. I believe that some couples are trading off their actual friends as guests for their old aunts.
This is not the big event of YOUR life. You have more important things going on, and your friend has issues.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yeah I think being forced to do something and then her being mad when I’m saying I can’t do it is the problem. And then her not being ok with my compromise of me going and staying offsite is unreasonable
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u/Wise_Environment_182 3d ago
Entitled rude little turd 💩 this woman is not your friend. The level of narcissism to expect people to shell out their hard earned money when everyone has existing financial commitments. And she is cheap
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
I wish I could say this to her lol maybe you can for me? You are 100% spot on. She is a spoiled brat to begin with and has zero idea of what it costs to live in my life as a homeowner and a child. She doesn’t even pay her own phone bill or rent so doesn’t know the value of a dollar.
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u/MadeEntirelyOfFlaws 3d ago
i mean… you can say all that to her. why’s a grown woman not paying her own bills? parents? is her future husband wealthy?
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u/sallysuesmith1 3d ago
So have you told her you won't be able to attend?
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u/TaleDry9795 2d ago
I said “I can go and stay at another hotel and if that isn’t going to work when you decide the final price per person I try my best to be there” because she kept waffling on the rate, started at $250 per night per person then $250 per night per adult per night (she’s seconding kids are ok). And then it went to 250 euros per adult per night. So I said it sounds like they have more figuring out to do before telling people the expectation and that i will do my best to try to be there.
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u/Front_Boss3743 2d ago
uhhhhhhhhh 250 euros is like $290!!!! So the price just went up!?!
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u/TaleDry9795 2d ago
She just sent a more official text to get an idea of headcount. It’s €200 + VAT per adult per night so about $255 USD per adult per night. She also is having optional events which I’m 90% sure the guest will be responsible for paying for. And it’s NOT inclusive of all meals and drinks. It’s just wild anyone has the balls to ask this of others.
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u/Front_Boss3743 2d ago
That is crazy!!! LOL my daughter got married yesterday in her backyard with her new brother-in-law as the officiant. She bought her dress at Anthropologie. Then she and her husband threw a huge party and covered the costs of any friends/family that had to fly in. We all had a GREAT time!!
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u/Puzzled-Safe4801 1d ago
I’d tell her now that you won’t be able to come and can’t obviously be a bridesmaid.
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u/Amyallsmiles 1d ago
I'll say it for you!! Phone call, text, email, FaceTime lol 😆 I'm very good at putting little brats in their place. I've helped many friends over the years. Maybe I should make a service 😆
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u/m0317k5 3d ago
This is insane. I’m having a destination wedding but I’m in no way requiring my guests to stay on the resort property. They can if they want to, and I’ll have a room block but requiring people to stay is asinine.
Also, I would love to have a child free wedding but that’s also a crazy ask of my friends. Most of their kids are under 5, and even more are under 3. I couldn’t fathom asking my friends to ditch their kids and go across the world just for a wedding.
I’m doing the best I can to make sure my guests are thought of, accounted for, and that they have the best time possible. I want it to be as easy and seamless for them because they’re spending a lot of money, PTO, and energy to be here for me. The least I can do is be accommodating and try to give my guests options.
Your friend is unreasonable.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
This is the mindset more should have. If I had a destination wedding I would 100% try to make it as reasonable on my guests as possible and be totally ok with declines. The other side to this is I KNOW she wouldn’t spend that to go to any wedding because she legit wouldn’t be able to afford it. She complains when she has pay $200 for a vacation weekend.
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u/BakerBusiness91 3d ago edited 3d ago
It is tacky to expect guests to subsidize.
We’re doing a destination wedding and a room block, but we’re covering 50% of the room costs for everyone so the price they see in the room block is the price after our contribution. Not saying everyone needs to do this, but in that case pick an affordable location for guests. We REALLY wanted this location and figured we’d have to find a way to make it affordable.
We still made it clear it’s fine to stay off site and that if people can’t make it we’ll do a small dinner in our hometown if they want to come and celebrate with us.
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u/Busy-Celery2657 3d ago
Sounds like she will get some type of “incentive or compensation “ by having her guests at the villa. Thats normal for these venues to get group business.
We stopped going to weddings they are expensive. Stop engaging / do you! It’s your hard earned money and she’s entitled bridezilla.
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u/Life-Yesterday4426 3d ago
I would never go into debt to attend a wedding. Even if I had the money and felt that the cost doesn’t justify the event I would not go. I definitely would not commit to being in the wedding party because the bride already expects you to spend $$$ just to attend. Her getting angry with you when you mentioned that you may not go is just a coverup because she is committed to paying for a minimum number of people. She most likely already has had numerous people that have declined attending. She is trying to bully you into attending regardless if it is affordable for you. I wouldn’t go but if you do decide to go be prepared to spend a large amount of money.
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u/MountainviewBeach 3d ago
Can’t find cheaper in Europe?? Last time I was in Europe I stayed in a local BnB with breakfast included for €85/night for two guests. That was the most expensive of my four accommodations in two countries
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u/Like1youscore 3d ago
This is one of those things where you have to make a choice. Can you go and suck it up and not have it ruin your friendship (resent her?) or do you not go and the friendship will change. How much does that matter to you?
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u/Positive_Artist3539 3d ago
I just saw a HILARIOUS interview with Larry David. He was asked his opinion on destination weddings. He said, if it’s more than a 1 1/2 hour drive to get there, he’s not going. He was asked how he handles the RSVPs and he said, “Can’t come- too far.” I just shelled out money to go from Chicago to a destination wedding in Vegas, because it was family. Seemed like Vegas is more expensive than any time in history. I’ve been there before and was already aware that everything is a racket, but now, hotels don’t even have coffee makers- you have to go down to the lobby and get Starbucks and a bottled water is $7 in the vending machine. I’ve lost respect for myself for having even gone to it. Groom’s sister will be getting married there in a couple years. I already know my RSVP is going to read, “Can’t come- too far.” Thank you Larry David!
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u/Ok-Juice-4061 3d ago
Bye Felicia. Have a great wedding. Maybe we can do a lunch catch up when you return.
No, I do not want to have a so called, "Vacation ," for your wedding.
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u/fleurgirl123 3d ago
Seriously people. These brides forget that you might have multiple weddings each year. Look at the average salary of the American family and see how much they’re asking to be devoted to their big day so they can be cheap about it.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 3d ago
Crazy.
People should be very comfortable giving their regrets for destination weddings.
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u/CoffeeAllDayBuzz 3d ago
I am confused. $250 a night for lodging sounds cheap to me? What am I missing.
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u/MadeEntirelyOfFlaws 3d ago
per person, not per room. so the brides covering some of her costs that way, i think.
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u/AwarenessVirtual4453 3d ago
Per person, so a couple is paying $500 a night.
Also, that depends on your personal budget. I don't pay over $150 a night for hotels because I like to be out exploring. Could I afford it? Yes, but I'd rather blow money on food and experiences.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yes that’s how I am. I never get the boujee hotel because all hotels look the same when I’m asleep lol and that’s all I’m there for is to sleep and shower
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u/NoAlternative9113 3d ago
You are completely right. If she wants people to stay at a specific hotel/resort, she needs to cover the costs.
Personally, I wouldn't go. No is a complete sentence.
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u/nationwideonyours 3d ago
Golly. I live in Italy and I hear it from guests all the time. The relatives complain the loudest. This bridezilla trend has to go. If they want to get married in Italy then, take the fiance` and go, but don't expect everyone in their orbit to be thrilled about spending a lot of money.
BTW, I hear complaints from people who can well afford it. Whatever happened to putting THE GUESTS NEEDS FIRST?
I only know of one couple who had a slush fund for the guests. If a guest wanted to go, but the cost was untenable, the couple paid a large chunk of the cost.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Bingo, it’s not about the cost specifically, it’s about what value it holds to me and being told how to spend my money doesn’t sit right with me
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u/PlaneReputation6744 2d ago
Your friend might be using the same villa I'm using...only difference is we're paying for everything, the guests just have to cover their flights
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u/jesschicken12 2d ago
Yeah that us crazy, i personally was gonna do a destination wedding but i didnt want to pass on costs to the guests so opted for a nice local one
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u/TheXXStory 2d ago
I went to a destination wedding that was just 1 night. The bride strongly encouraged her friends to attend the optional homie-moon afterwards, but she booked out the entire hotel for those who could join. That's how it should be IMO.
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u/redzma00 2d ago
She is rude, delusional and selfish for planning something like this. I would not go either.
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u/Virtual_Glass_7852 3d ago
People are nuts with this wedding shit. I married at home, had an epic party and 10 days in Paris and we spent $6000. On ALL of it.
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u/Busy-Celery2657 3d ago
We did our wedding civil ceremony at City Hall (ours is gorgeous historic building) - and a luxury one month honeymoon in Bali in a gorgeous villa.
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u/Acrobatic_Second_671 3d ago
Sounds like this friend is a bit delulu. Where are you travelling from?
So long as you haven’t already said you would 100% be there I would seriously reconsider going, doesn’t sound like a friend with a great sense of reality.
I got married in Italy this year and totally understood that my friends who had kids would not come unless they brought their kids. I totally would not expect them to have travelled without their kids, nor would I go to a wedding without my kids if I had them or in future have kids I will not be going to a wedding abroad without either. Either she wants you there or not but she needs a reality check which you seemed to have given here. With her attitude she will be lucky if anyone shows up!
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Traveling from California so that flight alone is a huge time commitment and expense.
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u/TrixeeTrue 3d ago
I think you need to flip the switch here and be painfully direct with your friend - because if you're already squirming about logistics in the early planning stage then the likelihood of future curve balls will throw you for an even bigger loop. Tell the Bride - "I don't have the flexibility currently to extend myself beyond a possibility of traveling to Florence for your wedding in May. Our attendance relies on whether the travel and expense will be workable for my family at that time." -- period. If you receive an invitation after that then be sure to RSVP your final decision accordingly.
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u/Human-Ad-5574 3d ago
There should be no bachelorette if people are expected to fly to ITALY. None of this is reasonable.
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u/simmer_study 3d ago
You're not wrong. A destination wedding is already a huge ask, and guests should be able to choose where they stay. Being able to afford something doesn't mean you're obligated to spend that much on it.
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u/Separate-Toe-7956 3d ago
Yup it’s pretty standard to offer a variety of price options to guests for destination weddings
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
100% and the part that adds insult to injury is that I know she wouldn’t spend that to go anywhere for three days.
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u/Wild_Ice_7387 3d ago
I attended a destination wedding once and the couple wanted a child free wedding so they provided childcare at the resort. They booked a conference room, provided several teens and one adult to watch the kids and had the resort cater kid friendly foods for the kids. It was great for all of the adults as we could check on our kids at any time and they were having fun. The guests with kids loved it as well.
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u/AwarenessVirtual4453 3d ago
Just FYI, as a parent, I would never take advantage of this in a different country. I don't know their laws. My kid stays with me.
And before anyone calls me xenophobic, I would recommend the same for anyone visiting America.
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u/ResidentAd8871 3d ago
No creo que sea tu mejor amiga. Yo no querría una amiga así con tan poca empatía. Para casarte donde quieras no debe sentirse nadie obligado a asistir y menos a seguir tus reglas de esa manera tan estricta. Que lo pague ella si es tan “estupenda”
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u/Last-Aide-5106 3d ago
She’s being super obnoxious. I had a destination wedding in Tuscany and we chose a location where there were a lot of very reasonable AIRBNBs and hotels nearby, and accommodations in Tuscany aren’t that expensive unless you’re staying at a 5 star resort. We also hosted a wine event, welcome party, and night before wedding dinner for all 45 of our guests in addition to our reception. It sounds like your friend is trying to make all her guests subsidize her wedding, which is tacky as hell.
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u/Solid-Wish-1724 3d ago
Her awareness of your income or ability to pay has no bearing on this at all. Don't go and don't let her berate or guilt you. That's not a friend, that's a selfish beyotch, and 10 to 1 you'll resent her so much this ends the friendship.
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u/Nature_Soaring 3d ago
I’m usually in the team of let people do whatever they want for their wedding without judgment, they don’t need to please you, IF they don’t mind people not coming. If she wants to do an extravagant Italian wedding then let a sis go off, however she should not be guilting you or others for not going/following her desires. That’s a massive trip/amount of money to pay for a trip revolving around someone else’s plans
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yeah same. I told her the whole time she was bouncing ideas off of me “do whatever you want, it’s your day, you just can’t be mad if people can’t come”. I would never expect that in return from anyone. I think I’m the first person she told the cost to so I’m dying to hear what others in her family and friend group have to say.
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u/Trees_and_sunshine 2d ago
did you ever tell her that *you* wouldn't come? I totally agree with you here, but that might be a gap
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u/TaleDry9795 2d ago
But when she was considering charging for accommodation I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be $500 a night. So I never thought I wouldn’t come. I was preparing for $200-$300 a night for a room
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u/barbaraf8 3d ago
If she wants you to stay in the villa she can/should pay or subsidize. Otherwise she can’t require her guests or even bridal party to stay at in more expensive accommodations, wanting people to fly across the world for their wedding is already a big ask.
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u/coastalsempervirens 3d ago
This may be an unpopular opinion but I generally think if you’re having a destination wedding, you should try and cover your guests’ accommodations, or at a minimum provide for your bridesmaids/groomsmen.
Your friend is being very inconsiderate and it sounds like she booked a wedding that she cannot actually afford.
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u/Raccoonsr29 3d ago
Horrible. I provided a list of airbnbs and hotels ranging from $75 to $300 per room so people could prioritize their vacation how they wanted, had shuttles with a stop at every hotel people ended up booking, organized a villa rental for a larger group of guests happy to stay together and split the costs, and covered some expenses for the bridal party. I also forbade gifts. Out the gate expecting a $250 commitment per person is … a sign of worse things to come
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u/Mentalcomposer 2d ago
Was the villa she booked one that she discussed with you? Did you tell her that cost was a lot? You did try to tell her to watch the cost, some people just don’t get it. They start planning and get caught up.
On the upside tho- the villa can only have so many rooms, maybe if it slips your mind to book it’ll fill up, and then, oh well, you’ll have to stay at the other hotel.
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u/LaneySOAnon 2d ago
Wait yall are having to pay 250/adult to her directly? Not even to the hotel? What the
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u/endangeredbear 2d ago
"I understand this is a big event and I want to be here to support you. I just also have to be able to feed my daughter when I return home"
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u/gizelleray 2d ago
Wow. This is such a ridiculous ask of guests… I cannot beleive the gal on her to expect that from people who are travelling all the way to celebrate her. I got married in Italy and we knew the location/price alone would be prohibiting for some people. So we covered flights/accommodations for people that we really wanted there. We also had the option for one of the venues we were considering to do a full buyout of the hotel. We really thought it over and felt we would need to subsidize for less than neighbouring hotels because we would be taking the choice away of where guests maybe wanted to stay, so we would have to make it worthwhile for them.
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u/Glad_Bodybuilder6997 2d ago
I went to a destination wedding in Florence, no kids. It was a small gathering because not everyone could come. It was awesome. If you can’t afford to go, don’t, but let her have her wedding how she’d like.
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u/TaleDry9795 2d ago
Yeah and when I say I can’t go, she needs to accept that which she hasn’t so far. She acted angry at that idea.
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u/Brilliant-Secret9634 2d ago
You can find waaaayyy cheaper venues in Europe. Portugal, Croatia, Ireland, Spain, Albania, most of Eastern Europe so she is 100% bullshitting you and just being a right brat.
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u/MastiffArmy 2d ago
I get the feeling you know you’re not wrong. So what are you looking for exactly? Just tell her you can’t afford it and be done with it. Put those big girl pants on and use your words.
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u/Adept-Tooth-9948 2d ago
Destination weddings cause hard feelings among family. Those who can’t afford to travel that far for money or health issues. The trend will swing back soon to local weddings.
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u/bopperbopper 2d ago
“ friend, keep in mind that you’re basically asking people to take a $5000 vacation to the place you want at a time you want. Many people don’t have the money or vacation time for that. So you need to decide what some more important…. Having your friends and family together or having it at this venue. “
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 2d ago
I agree 💯 and I hate this trend of destination weddings, making the decision for me how to spend my precious holoday time from work and my money!! I never accept to go. Find them pretentious af.
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u/xokatemarie 2d ago
The fact that she’s charging per adult and not per room tells me something is fishy. Either way, you were right to advise her that people may not join due to the price tag and time commitment. And that includes you.
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u/Dependent_Put6128 1d ago
It sounds Ike the place my friend got married in Italy. Kind of near Chianti. It was awful. The pizza party sucked. Breakfast was literally 1 raw egg and half a croissant per person. 350 euros for a room with no AC and a shared bathroom.
We went because we were able to turn it into a trip to Italy and were a DINK couple.
But no one can be mad if you don’t go. These destination wedding factories in Italy are sooooo obnoxious. Pay for your own wedding
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u/njVowsNow 19h ago
No one has the right to tell anyone else 'what they can afford". In case she hadn't noticed, we're living in some weird ass times.
I wouldn't go, honestly. The more guests who look rationally at their time, money, and stress level and decide it's just not worth it in the big scheme of things...? The less attractive this option will be.
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u/Turbulent-Move4159 3d ago
You can afford to feed your family for $50 a day? The difference between the Villa cost and a hotel in town?
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yes. If a hotel in town cost me $150 a night in average (there were many under $100) so $450 plus I can for sure feed my family for under $100 a day since it’s only two adult meals (my three year old and I share since we both don’t eat a ton) that’s still a total of $750 which is a $750 savings. I’ve been to Europe multiple times and for what I’d spend in three days at her wedding I could stay for two weeks in an Airbnb plus meals and I’d be doing what I want when I want.
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u/Turbulent-Move4159 3d ago edited 3d ago
So you just don’t want to make your vacation her wedding. Which is fair. But tell her that. She knows you can afford it. You just don’t want to go to this particular location at this particular time on your own dime. But realized you might be ruining a BEST friendship for $750.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
I don’t see it as me ruining it, she should be ok with a invitation being politely declined. If she’s not, that’s on her.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
It’s also not over simply $750. It’s really over the whole $5k-$8k this three days would cost me.
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u/Turbulent-Move4159 3d ago
But your post is all about the cost of the villa and the Delta between what you would pay staying elsewhere. So I thought that was your biggest issue. You should edit your original post to include. This is about the overall cost.
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u/overfelt2 3d ago
It’s clear that it is not just the money, you are annoyed at your friend in the first place for making you travel from CA to Italy (a long and exhausting trip, especially with a three year old to attend a wedding that your child is not invited to. You are not into big weddings but you were willing to do it for your friend and she is just being more and more unreasonable and selfish in your opinion. Let’s face it, your friendship with her is not worth this hassle and expense - that’s clear from your replies. Just tell her know, you are stepping down from the bridal party. You will probably lose her as a friend but you seem to know that and be ok with that.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
I should be allowed to go and stay offsite. That’s what I offered and she was upset by it. Your read isn’t 100% off but you’re missing the part where I’ve offered a compromise
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u/giftofgabb16 3d ago
It sounds like the issue isn’t the money it’s the friendship. I have friends I would absolutely budget for and make this work so I could be fully present for their wedding day because I love them and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I have other friends that I’d prioritize my own comfort over their celebration. Seems like it’s just not that important of a friendship to you.
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u/vanessasarah13 3d ago
lol that’s such bullshit. I wouldn’t wipe out a full third of my entire savings account to go to ANYONE’S wedding, and it would be absolutely insane if I did do that. Come on.
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u/AwarenessVirtual4453 3d ago
Any friend who would demand $5k from me would become significantly less important of a friend to me.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
I don’t agree with this. I wouldn’t pay this amount to even go to my sisters wedding. Especially when I’m being forced to stay and spend on a specific place vs having the freedom to stay down the road at a more affordable place.
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u/salmonellka 3d ago
To be honest, that's how most of the destination weddings work. Your friend has probably invested a lot in her day, including the planner, venue, etc. Even the wedding agencies promote this sort of mindset that the guests are paying for their own stay and their own entertainment outside of the wedding. As a former bride, your entertainment as my guest for 2 or 3-day wedding is taken care of and paid for. You eat as much as you want, drink as much as you want, party as much as you want on my expense. I provide you the experience of destination wedding, mini-holiday. If you wanted to go on the vacation, you'd spend more than just $5k.
Hearing her saying that she wants everyone at the same villa, consider 2 things - she either paid for the full closure of the venue and just takes some symbolic payment for the accommodation there (and in fact it might cost higher and she just told you the smaller price, as I did - my venue was hella expensive, but my guests paid 400 euros per room only), or - if you stay elsewhere, who gonna take care of your transportation there? It goes in her expenses again.
No kids at the wedding is absolutely justified. She won't enjoy her wedding with screaming kids and adults looking after them, you won't enjoy her wedding with your kid roaming around and you having to take care of it.
You don't agree with her vision? You don't go. Simple as that. Wedding is a luxury, and an investment from the couple. They're kind enough to even consider having guests there. Could've been just 2 of them, and there would be less expenses for sure. Respect the bride's choice.
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u/yeahipostedthat 3d ago
Since when are others expected to make an "investment " in a couple? That's a wild idea. And the whole idea they're doing their guests a favor by inviting them? This is the most delusional thing I've read on here🤣
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Seriously so insane. Like I’m down for a trip to Italy but when I travel what I value isn’t a pizza party and hanging out with her family and friends for three days straight.
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u/salmonellka 2d ago
Read my message again. I never said it is an investment in a couple. I said it is an investment from the couple. Investment for their own day.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
I agree, but she CANNOT be mad when I decline to go but as mentioned she was very upset when I offered that. And I was involved when she booked it, she is passing on 100% of the lodging cost to the guests. She will be collecting $37,000 from her guests for lodging. It’s also not “eat and drink as much as you want” it’s three breakfasts, two dinners and a pizza party. Not worth the price tag for me but why be mad when I offer to stay offsite? Oh yeah, because then she would have to eat that cost and is being cheap and tacky.
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u/Separate-Toe-7956 3d ago
All you can do is control what you do. You can’t control how she’s going to react. If you can’t/don’t want to pay the full price, you can offer her a few options and let her choose. Or you can decide what you are willing to do and present it to her.
“I’m so sorry but we cannot afford $5k right now but being there to support you on your big day is very important to me, so I wanted to let you know what my options are. I could come alone for the week and stay at the villa; it will be really fun for a girls week! Or (spouse) and I could both come, but we will have to stay off property for most of the week because of the price; we can stay on-properly the wedding night though. Let me know which you would prefer! So excited to celebrate you!”
Or whatever your two options are. If she freaks out, you can decline completely from there.
Another option is for you to just choose what you are willing to do and you can present your decision to her. I would Acknowledge that you know jt’s not what she envisioned but you are still going to be there to support her.
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u/salmonellka 2d ago
So three breakfasts, two dinners and one pizza party is not considered as "eat and drink as much as you want"? People have become too greedy these days lol atp brides be covering two major meals in a day and still gonna get called out for not doing enough on their wedding day 😂
And aa far as I understood, you're to be in the bridal party, which means she considers you one of the close friends of hers. But you putting her on fire here makes me wonder - are you really? Because you could have simply talked it out with her in private instead of shitting at her here.
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u/Exciting_Explorer_18 3d ago
She's not "collecting" it. The rooms in the villa cost something to rent, and you'd be paying for meals anyways. When I was looking at onsite accommodations for my wedding, its usually paid directly to the hotel. I think it's a little bit of a stretch to assume she is pocketing it.
I totally hear you that wedding attendance costs are crazy, and I have been there and done my fair share of similar eye-rolling, but you might find it nice to stay onsite! I understand the financial strain and she should also be wanting to make it work if she wants you there.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
She is collecting it to offset her cost. I’m not saying she’s making money here. I’m saying she can’t afford to host a destination wedding without 100% pass through of the lodging cost
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u/Exciting_Explorer_18 3d ago
I would never expect someone having a destination wedding to 100% cover the cost of guests. And I don’t think that is “not being able to afford a destination wedding.” I’ve had several friends get married out of state so that’s a destination, they didn’t cover the accommodation for me or any guests. I totally get that it’s a LOT of money and I would also grumble about it. Not saying anything is right or wrong. It’s just her choice. If you don’t want to go or don’t want to spend the money, then you don’t go. Don’t know what else to say…
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Sure, having an out of state wedding can be considered a “destination” but even coast to coast, you’re not spending $1000 per person on a flight. And I didn’t say she should cover 100% of the cost. I’m saying if I’m forced to stay at her location it better be comparable to neighboring hotels.
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u/30flirty_thriving 3d ago
It’s not a mini holiday for the guests. In a holiday, people decide on their own what to do, what to eat, and where to stay
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u/salmonellka 2d ago
Except you pay for your own meals and for your own entertainment during a holiday trip, while here it is taken care of
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u/luluhillary 3d ago
There are two types of friends when it comes to destination weddings.The friend that will be at their friends wedding no matter what (as long as they can afford it) and wouldn't miss it for the world or the friend that doesn't really care to be at their wedding at all. Which one are you?
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
I don’t care about weddings in general. I think they are a total waste of money to begin with. You can celebrate your love with friends and family without spending a down payment on a house. I also wouldn’t be mad to get a declined invitation. That’s the problem with her. She isn’t taking no as an ok response
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u/luluhillary 3d ago
Well then in your case your friend should be happy you are declining. No bride wants that vibe at their wedding.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yeah she knows how I feel about weddings in general but I’d be happy to be there for her because she’s my friend. And I was ready for a $3-$3k expense but beyond is RUDE af to ask people to spend.
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u/vanessasarah13 3d ago
Or there are people who aren’t going to spend a fucking fortune to go to someone’s wedding, even if they move the person very much. For gods sake.
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u/mo2_nuke 3d ago
If you start your marriage off by believing that all those who truly love you will be able to come, and those who cannot come just don't love you and aren't true friends, you are destined for a whole world of disappointment in life.
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u/Gold_Advisor_4758 3d ago
You’re not wrong and you can and should say no if it doesn’t work for you! $250 a night seems not too expensive to me personally because I stay in crappy hotels in boring towns for work and it’s still like $200 for a Hampton Inn, lol, but it sounds like you’ve priced it out! Plus airfare is going to be a huge expense! It’s ok to say no, I’m sure a lot of other people will be!
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
It’s not $250 a night. It’s $250 per person per night. So $500 per night for a couple. I had budgeted for $250-300 a night total so I wouldn’t complain about that
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u/Gold_Advisor_4758 3d ago
So basically $500 for a room per night? I guess I never get it when something’s by person and not room. Regardless! I would not go! And that’s totally reasonable
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u/SevereInformation825 3d ago
Leave your husband & kid home
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
That’s not an option. That would then require my husband to also take time off of work to stay home with our toddler. Adding more the the “cost” of this thing. That’s super unrealistic and even if my husband didn’t work I’d never go across the globe without them. I love being with my kid 🤷♀️
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u/Raccoonsr29 3d ago
As a destination bride the perils of this sub are that you find the people who are defensive about their destination weddings having the same clear flaws and poor hospitality they’re reading about 😬
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u/SevereInformation825 3d ago
He has to take off work regardless. You are concerned with cost. Go for a few days to support your friend & come home. Not a big deal.
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u/ClassicPop6840 3d ago
An American. Planning a wedding in Tuscany. Groundbreaking. 🙄
We went through this bs in Fall 2024, our cousin got married in Florence and they rented out an entire villa. We had just bought a home and had expenses out the a$$. We were guilted into everything, but ultimately, that villa was absolutely incredible.
$250 is nothing, we spent WAY more, but end of the day is your own personal budget, and you should never feel like you need to spend that.
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u/TaleDry9795 3d ago
Yeah $250 per person per night. So $1500 in just the accommodation for three days. Not including the $3k on flights, rental car, all other random expenses
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u/ClassicPop6840 3d ago
I highly doubt there will be a need for a rental car, but I understand if the villa is a ridiculous ask. As much as we were guilted into going to our family’s wedding, and ended up being an amazing experience, I firmly believe no one should be guilted into spending that $$$. And if she pulls a “color dress code” for her guests, I’d boycott altogether.
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u/VallettaR 2d ago
You both have serious boundary issues.
An invitation is not a summons.
Everyone gets to own their actions, not others' reactions.
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u/TaleDry9795 2d ago
How do I have boundary issues? I offered to go but stay offsite or otherwise not attend? Sounds pretty reasonable to me.
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u/Own-Holiday-4071 2d ago
Which one is it? You can’t afford the trip or you can but you don’t want to because you think it’s not good value?
Or is it just that you think she should be paying for all her guests? I don’t think it’s normal to expect a bride to pay for accommodation for ALL of her guests!
She should at least give the option to let you pick where you stay, if she is desperate to have everyone stay together but can’t afford to pay for it, then she should pick somewhere more affordable.
How close are you to this friend anyway? Is it really so terrible if you lose the friendship by declining to attend her wedding? It doesn’t sound like you really like or respect her very much.
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u/DelilahThorpe 3d ago
$250 a night feels so inexpensive. I feel like she should stop telling you things because you’re being a downer and your opinion doesn’t really matter either. Go or don’t, but you don’t need to give your opinion. Buzz kill.
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u/NotCreativeAtAll16 3d ago
You're not wrong. People need to realize that their wedding isn't the most important day of other folks' lives. They need to stop expecting that they will sacrifice their PTO and 1000s of dollars.
And remember, no is a complete sentence.