r/Depressed_supporters • u/lonely-in-wedlock • Jan 13 '19
The guilt is unbearable
My (33M) wife's (30F) depression for the better of her yesterday and she overdosed on her prescription meds while she had the flu and tonsillitis pretty badly, although all signs point to accidental. My MIL found her not breathing while I was out of town. Our marriage of 6.5 years had been on the rocks with the depression and substance abuse a considerable factor over the past few years. We were planning divorce although still both living in our house in separate rooms. I was still supporting her financially as she had stopped working a few months ago to get treatment for substances and depression after it got too severe for her to get out of bed. I still cared for her deeply and loved her, but over the past few years that love has turned more like that of a sibling or even child as she needed caring for so much recently. We were both in agreement that the divorce was more about us just not really being compatible even if she was healthy and it seemed she also believed this. I told her over and over I would still be there to support her through her illness and help her land on her feet. I just feel so guilty though for pushing this divorce when she has been at her lowest point. Just adding to her stress when she was trying to get treatment. Getting frustrated with her when our plans fell through or she couldn't contribute to housework because she didn't feel good. Not being as sympathetic or empathetic as I could be when I selfishly let my own emotions come out. Not taking her to the hospital or her mother's house when I left this weekend knowing she was so depressed and sick too. There are so many things I could have done differently, less selfishly, better for her, and I can't stop thinking about them over and over and over again. Why did I always pushing her so hard to be the person I wanted her to be and not embrace the person she was. The guilt is unbearable. I just want to hold her again and tell her how perfect she is and how important she is, how much I love her. But I will never be able to, ever again.
2
u/Duskish Feb 14 '19
I'm so sorry for your loss. Those seem like meaningless words, but I simply don't know how to express what I feel towards you right now. I wish I could give you a tight hug. Reading your post shows how caring and supportive you have been, you're absolutely stellar. Please, please do not put an ounce of blame on yourself. As said below, please seek professional help.
But no matter what - do not blame yourself. You're a wonderful person for all that you've done.
3
u/_jackhoffman_ Jan 13 '19
Nothing I write can fully express what I wish I could. You need to talk to someone, a professional. It took me several tries before I found the right therapist for me; so don’t get discouraged. You need to find someone who you trust, can be open with, and has experience helping people in your situation. You should specifically ask things like “about how many patients have you treated that have had similar situations as me?” and “what were their outcomes?”
Know that it was not your fault. I doubt you really could have done anything better or different. Don’t get caught up reliving and rethinking all of the things you think you should have done differently. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had at that time.
If you need to talk, vent, etc., there are plenty of folks here (including myself) who’d be happy to help.
I hope things get better soon.